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ces67 #2239735 04/22/12 01:17 AM
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Quote:
and if I ever play word with friends of FB.
My STBX keeps inviting me to WwF games too... though not on FB, on our phones. I've played a few with her (along with the 20 some other games I have going on at any given time). It's funny because Scrabble was something her and I used to do all the time when we first started dating.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
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It seems like an opportunity to interact in a simple and fun way. I will probably take get the game and start playing.

W e- mailed me this evening. It was honest, sad and maybe an opportunity. In shrt here is what she said:

Been thinking about us a lot lately
Has been reading a lot of marriage
Can't remember any good stuff about us
Doesn't know where to even start again
Asked me to make a list of good stuff about us
Said if she can start to remember good things she could find a place to start again
Said she has changed and was sorry and would understand if I did not want to try
Said we had two wonderful kids.

I responded with the following:
Agreed about our kids
Hesitant to make list as I did not want it to seem that I was trying to make her memories for her. But I will share my own thoughts and memories
Said she didn't need to apologize if she was happy with who she has become.
Said it would take me a few days to respond.

May be the slightest of open doors but it's the most I've seen in a long time.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2239791 04/22/12 05:04 AM
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I see a squirrel in future!


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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MAKE THE LIST!!

Help her out. She needs help and is asking you for help.

Validate. Validate Validate.


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

BklynMom #2239964 04/23/12 03:15 AM
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ces67 Offline OP
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Thanks 2 & BM. I will respond to her and am working on organizing my thoughts. Rather than list a bunch of memories I want to focus on feelings of connection between us. I also want to use this to express and acknowledge the impact of my tendency to withdraw.

More texts and calls from W today. My D10 has a phone we give her when we want her to have one. She has keptnitnwith her since W left on Thursday. W called me today saying our D10 had called and was sounding sad and wanted to do something since the entire week of school will be filled with state testing. We talked for a bit and agreed on what I could do. So I took the kids to the bookstore and let them both pick out a new book and we went for dinner. It was a nice night.

The talk with my W was so normal and it reminded me of times when she would work with me to take care of the kids. Her tone sounded so much like the woman I married. I thanked her for calling and telling me and for the ideas.

In an effort to keep a connection I txt "goodnight" to W. she responded and asked about the kids. Then she thanked me for taking care of them and that she knew it was a lot on top of working full time. I responded that they were no trouble and I loved the time with them. I tried to word it to show my enjoyment with the kids but not my approval of her leaving for 12 days.

Little tiny minuscule steps.....


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2239976 04/23/12 04:58 AM
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No expectations but don't make any sudden moves.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2239996 04/23/12 11:54 AM
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keep validating!!

no sudden moves. Any mother would be questioning her decision.

vh


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

ces67 #2240011 04/23/12 01:43 PM
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Quote:
not my approval of her leaving for 12 days.


Danger, danger Will Robinson, I see a crash landing on the planet of Resentment by way of Passive-Aggressive. And you know how I know, I've taken that same trip.

You requested she not go(as I recall there was no boundary-setting) she decided to go and now she seems to be softening. Maybe.

What is your disapproval going to get you?

It's water under the bridge.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2240023 04/23/12 02:03 PM
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ces67 Offline OP
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Thanks Bug, what I told her was "they are no trouble. I love the time with them". I made no reference to whether or not I agreed with her going. That was just in my mind.

I will keep a check on my resentment. I still see evidence that this job is just an excuse to go see her friends. It has no financial value to our family and is actually costing us money because she used up her cc to make the trip (and get her nails done). So rather than use the job to help with the debt her spending has brought on this family, she is using it to live a separate life, spend more money she doesn't have and then is forced to spend what money she has on her new debt rather than help her family.

And somehow, I have kept else feelings in check and encouraged interactions with her since she left. Always appreciate the mental check though. I have to deal with these things so they don't seep out in negative ways.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2240030 04/23/12 02:12 PM
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Originally Posted By: ces67
I made no reference to whether or not I agreed with her going. That was just in my mind.[quote]
The resentment is always 'just in my mind' but for me, it colored every interaction I had. And it will continue to grow until you deal with the issue that's causing you the anger...

this (imagine down arrow here)

[quote]I still see evidence that this job is just an excuse to go see her friends. It has no financial value to our family and is actually costing us money because she used up her cc to make the trip (and get her nails done). So rather than use the job to help with the debt her spending has brought on this family, she is using it to live a separate life, spend more money she doesn't have and then is forced to spend what money she has on her new debt rather than help her family.


Until you share this with her, she will never make the change because she thinks it's OK.

Because you always make it OK.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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