I think what your co worker said about a weight being lifted for the WAS is so true. I can feel my H angst, even when I let go he makes up reasons that I am still preventing him from being himself. We are truly the ball and chains.
IMHO, do not have another kid with your W until you both are in a much much more stable place. The idea of having another kid and it making things better rather than twice as hard is fantasy thinking on both your parts.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
'non-linear progress' - I like that. I'm going to steal it.
I also like hearing of the guy in your office. It seems increasingly likely the divorce will happen in my case as well, so it's nice to hear about cases where things actually IMPROVED for two people's relationship with EACH OTHER afterwords. I mean, we hear stories, but it seems more heartening when it's 'real people' someone actually knows.
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
I understand decision making paralysis. Part of it is the vast universe of possible factors and scenarios, which you need to pare down to only the relevant ones. You need to weigh using this embryo against the most likely alternative scenario(s), not every possible scenario. If you discard this embryo, will that prevent W from having a baby? I doubt it, it'll just prevent her from having that baby.
Well, true, but It will make it far more difficult for Crimson to have another child, if I understand the physical situation correctly...and this embryo is related to his son. Just adding that in.
And don't engage in paralysis by analysis Crimson. You said it was lethal to your marriage.
Truth be told, 2 of our 3 children were sort of unplanned (as in, we had a few drinks, and whatever...etc)
Our first was definitely a surprise--but if we had calculated out when the right time for a child would be, when IDEALLY it would occur, I am not sure we'd have any...
Too complicated to figure out that way. I thank God he made the choice for us. Once we had our son we knew we wanted him to have a sibling and then we had our 3rd and despite the gap in ages, they are very close.
It's a big decision and I'm not saying which choice to make but the idea that you'll come up with the ideal solution with all bases covered, does not happen in real life, in my opinion.
Always Struggling to find that ideal, or to create a risk free course of action is an unproductive way to live...in short, it's a drag. And impossible.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
of course... you could always keep trying to have a baby the "natural" way...
Who really knows?
But like 25 says... there is no PERFECT time... even if we are completely oblivious to the fact that we could have a child... and tomorrow... that child could be dead... or one of the parents could be...
Nothing worth having in life is easy...
I don't care what anyone says...
Even if I knew that my W and I would D... and have a horrible R... I would still choose to bring my D9 into this world... because SHE IS WORTH IT...
Of all of the things that I regret, that is high on the list. Fear of failure or making a wrong decision that would negatively impact my or my wife's life kept me from really jumping out and enjoying the great unknowns in life. Including baby #2. THAT, through listenting to my wife, was a major deal breaker for her and something that I really think turned her heart against me. Knowing how badly I want a family now I wish I could go back in time and change things. I was such a fool.
Not a peep from w today. Not guessing that I will hear from her. I have to drop son off with her today. That never gets easy. I know he is in the best of hands, but it still chokes me up. I love that kid.
If someone is done with you....I mean D-O-N-E done, the notion of having a baby together seems so far off the table it is hard to fathom. I really don't understand her emotions and actions very well, but I am trying. To say on the phone that she is "mourning and grieving because our divorce is coming up" just feels so strange.
I don't know, but I would guess that by the time most couples get to this point there is a lot of animosity and ill-feelings. W and I don't fight, spend time together with son here and still laugh together. We GET ALONG. I don't know if it is because she *slightly* believes in the changes I am trying to make or what - but there is not a lot of negative energy flowing back and forth between us. Hell, we are able to sit next to each other in church. It just seems like D wouldn't be the final answer right now. If it comes, I am preparing. And, as my friend John said, I hope that it lifts a weight off of her and she is able to see things differently.
Hey GM - thanks for all of your insight. I appreciate it and do understand the point(s) that you are making.
I DO know that my divorce is coming and that it is "when" not "if" - spare some sort of miracle it is all but done. My previous post isn't a denial of that fact. Rather, I just kind of think out loud on why things are a certain way, or why certain things don't make sense to me. I have accepted it - I don't LIKE it, but I have accepted it.
And believe me when I say that I am thinking all angles of a post-divorce baby. Remember, OVER analyizing things is a default behavior of mine - hard to run from it. I have thought about dealing with step parents and other issues. I want to hear HER thoughts on the matter and not just shut her out like I have in the past. It is not a commitment to do anything but listen as far as I am concerned for the moment.
You said it best, after the D - what happens next is unknown.
Hey Crimson just curious. When you park your car do you try many times until it is perfectly parked? Have you noticed yourself doing that with other things? Do them repeatedly until you are satisfied that it is perfect and safe?
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Rick, I would love to say that the metaphor that you are using is not true at all. But yes, there are times when I have OCD tendencies like that. Have really worked on it these last several months. It is a life-limiting liability.
Actually not a metaphor someone with OCD may do that. Have you ever turned around on your way to the office to come home and make sure the stove is off and the front door was locked? Are you seeing a counselor just for u? Some Meds can help if u have OCD. Something to think about. Have a great night
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
That never gets easy. I know he is in the best of hands, but it still chokes me up. I love that kid.