It would help if you would stop measuring EVERYTHING against whether it does or doesn't cause a reconciliation.
Live in the moment. If it's a good interaction with your W, why are you negating it because you don't think her motivation was the one you wanted?
Each positive interaction you have with your W is a good thing, whether you stay married, get divorced, whatever. Appreciate what you have to appreciate.
If you could completely let go of the idea that you're going to reconcile, I think you'd be doing yourself and your situation a favor.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
OMG Crimson are you are asking for a 2 x 4? Okay here comes....!!
Originally Posted By: Crimson
I think I have a natural tendency to tamp down any enthusiasm to keep from getting crushed through disappointment. Why on earth do you think having a crappy attitude in life and "tamping down" on joy--
HELPS YOU in any way? Can't you see that You bring about the things you nost fear!!
Plus you are much less happy WHILE you wait for the other shoe to drop...which might not ever. And how does waiting for it, expecting it and possibly bringing it about, make it less painful IF it does happen?
Your beliefs about negative projecting somehow being a protection for you-
are false!
Just being honest.
For example - in my mind when I have custody of my son my W asks to do things so she can see HIM - not me. In a manner of speaking, I see myself as the "poison pill" she has to swallow just to see him on the days she doesn't have him.
wow that ^^^ sounds super attractive. I know I LOVE spending time with men who think I secretly recoil at their presence....sends out a sexy vibe...
Confidence in a man IS sexy. Not a cocky jerk but a man who knows he's being his best self and knows what he brings to the table is damn good.
That has to be YOU. So
believe it so you can radiate it...and she'll gravitate to it.
In my HEART I want to think that it because she wants to be around the both of us and enjoy the feeling of being a family. But then I think "well, she could have that any time she wanted and chooses not to, so clearly that's not it". Please do not think I am labeling this as "healthy" or "OK" - I know it's not.
well I think I've said enough. I hope this shakes you up in a good way b/c though I am teasing you - I'm making a real point too.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Crimson so many times on your thread I hear people give you wise feedback and you come back with "yes but..." and explain that that's just how you are and blah blah blah. This time please listen with an open mind!
You have shown through this an incredible capacity to be brave, patient, understanding, to take a harsh look at yourself and make changes...to get your wife back. But the bottom line is you were able to do these things. Now try doing them...just because you can. You know you can, and you don't need getting your wife back as an excuse anymore.
If she's gone forever, do you want to be a cowering wimpy negative-ist, tearing your hopes and dreams down pre-emptively so you won't be hurt when life tears them down? Or do you want to take the things you've learned so far and just be them because that's who you are now.
(I understand. I've done a lot of protecting myself by shooting myself in the foot. If you don't try you can't fail. If you push people away they can't reject you. Etc. Just because it's understandable doesn't make it ok. You can do better, you've shown that.)
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Been spending the weekend laying low and not really posting anything. Went back and re-read a bunch of posts (mine and others) and tried to chew on all of the good advice and perspective they all contained.
It's been a fairly emotional weekend, being lost in thought and all. Was hoping that I would have a chance to see my son, but that didn't pan out. Haven't been able to give him a squeeze since Tuesday - I'll tell you, those 5-day stretches are HARSH.
I DID manage to make it out with friends on Friday and Saturday night. Just meeting up for cocktails and good conversation. Went to a blues bar last night for some great live music - was really a lot of fun.
More importantly, and this probably means bupkis to many others, but I went out both Friday and Saturday night and left my phone at home.....on purpose. That is a big deal for me on a bunch of fronts. It's a big 180 for me as w always thought I was too plugged in...I have really done my best the last few months to correct that. Additionally, it keeps me in the moment and prevents me from checking to see if my w texted or called. Kind of nice, actually, to be separated from it.
I'm really sorry if I came across rather Eyore-like last week. Academically, I know that for all intents and purposes I'm ALREADY divorced. The paperwork is merely red tape at this point. I know that I will be OK - just trying to get focused emotionally. Had a minor breakdown today after church - whole message was about relationships, forgiveness and working things out. Sadly, w wasn't there this week. On the drive home I really started to get down on being a part-time parent. My son brings me so much joy and happiness - especially at a time when I need it the most. Not seeing him really gets to me, but I try to remember that my W needs him, too and I can't keep him to myself.
I didn't hear much from my W this weekend at all. She had a friend and her 11 year old son with her all of last week through yesterday. I figure she was tired - she had to share the room with our son and he doesn't sleep well for her a lot of the time.
25 - I found and read that post by thatgirl to Denver about why she, as a WAW, was in no big rush to buy into changes and take him back after a few months of change. I see a lot of my wife in that for sure. That night several weeks ago when we had that long convo on her front porch she said (rough estimate of her quote, here) "I do not want to go back to the way things were". Basically saying at all costs she would rather give up everything than drift back to what she felt she left. Based on everything I have read here that is pretty much textbook WAW.
Man, I feel so terrible for putting her through that much hurt. I literally was clueless and had no idea I was doing that much damage to someone I loved that much. Just clueless. Anyone that knows me well knows that I am not a cruel, deliberately hurtful person. Far from it, I would say. To know that my actions pushed my WIFE away from me and cost me so much time with my son is almost unbearable.
During that talk on her porch she said that she has forgiven me. She's said that a few times, now. Forgiven, but I don't think she has gotten over it. As many say, that will take time.
Adinva - I see your point about "If you could completely let go of the idea that you're going to reconcile, I think you'd be doing yourself and your situation a favor". It's hard for me to do that, because I equate that with giving up all hope. Is that a false correlation on my part? If so, I really don't understand. Perhaps I am hopelessly dense.
So, just gonna toss a question out there to the board to help get an opinion. I find myself in one of those circumstances where I am not sure if my initial reaction to something is "right". Strike that. I KNOW my initial reaction isn't right - I just don't know the best way TO react or respond.
So when I got to work this morning, W sent me an e-mail. The tone was very friendly but I think it was to sweeten something that she probably knew I wouldn't react well to. She booked a trip for her and s to go visit a friend in Berkley the first week of June. Bought the tickets, done deal. I cringe a little bit on the inside because typically in our circumstance if you are taking a child out of the state you have to ask permission of the other parent first. Furthermore, she booked the trip through part of my custody time. Returning on a Monday when I am supposed to get him Sunday by 5:00 PM. She said she got a great deal so she wanted to take it. Never contacted me, never let me know.
Lastly, and I know this is a minor thing and more about "me" than anything else - I told her awhile ago that I wanted to be there when he saw the ocean for the first time. Just felt that it would be a really special moment. I guess I can always try to book some time in front her trip - but I hate to feel rushed.
So - here is how OLD Crimson would have responded:
"I am fine with you taking him, but I am not OK with you taking one of my days without asking me first. I also thought that before you left the state you needed the permission of the other parent. I wish you would have at least talked to me about this first. It makes me feel like you have no respect or consideration for me as a parent."
Whereas I feel that the RIGHT thing to say right now is:
"That sounds like a great trip for you two - I am sure you are going to have a lot of fun him and your friends! It's a great opportunity for him to see that part of the country, and I know you've wanted to visit for awhile."
I see this as a chance to do a 180 beacause I feel as if she is sitting at her computer right now cringing as she waits for me to reply. But it that a 180 or being a door mat? In the BIG picture - losing one day with him isn't a big deal - neither is leaving the state....ditto on blowing the chance to see him see the ocean for the first time. Does she feel that comfortable that she doesn't see asking me as necessary? Or does she just not give a sh*t about me as a parent? Or is it something else?
I KNOW that I can't react the way that old Crimson would have - that is stupid and I know where that ends. I just don't know what to say. Should I even voice my unhappiness? Would that do more harm that good? Is remaining silent setting the tone for this to happen again?
Help me check my ego here.....I am still learning.
I'm not going to give advice on this one, because my H and I had YEARS of that with his EX, and I don't think I can offer untainted advice. It was miserable, and she was just a mean and vindictive thing (I won't insult the term "woman" by referring to her that way.) I just want to say that I COMPLETELY get your feelings on this. I felt that way many times, and the kids were just my steps. Yours is a very difficult sitch because you don't know if you will ever get back together, and you won't want to have to deal with her jacking around with the schedule all the time if you don't. That's why divorce decrees have a parenting plan. Blech!!!
I have to say that you are doing WONDERFUL even contemplating a very positive response to her. It's probably the right thing to do, but I'll defer to the others on this one.
Thanks for the replies, guys (and girls!). Still haven't responded yet.
KD - to answer your question, my w always takes short, formal replies from as as "cold" or potentially mean. That is based on how I typically speak or respond. E-mail not being the richest medium through which to communicate (no body language, tone, inflection, etc.) I try to be a bit more aware of what I type - not just with W, but everyone these days - based on some feedbeck from friends and co-workers.
Your other question - if I am not ok with her booking my time. The benefit there for me would be purely the 180 (as I see it). Not giving her what she EXPECTS from me in a negative reaction. Not starting an argument over something that I perceive she did "wrong".
Your suggestion of changing my frame is a wise one. Probably the best thing to do.
I don't think that any "negative" reaction would be a good thing right now. Sure, my heart hurts a little that they will be going without me - but I can handle it and I am not letting that color my reaction.
