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#2229640 03/11/12 07:58 PM
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I read an article this weekend on the 12 girls from upstate NY that developed ticks. Environmentalist have come to the area to examine the soil for toxins and parents are afraid to send their kids to the school. The psyhcological explaination has been viewed by many in the media as having a gender bias. The girls felt the pshycological explaination meant they were faking it and their ticks weren't real.

I have no idea whether these ticks developed from a toxic chemical in the environment or these girls developed a pshyological disease. This article made me realize that if the cause is all in their head it doesnt mean that the results are not the same. That they are still suffering from a very real disease.

On to my update. Again H and I had a lovely morning in the park with the girls though H feels nothing for me and is distant. It is still so nice pretending we are a family. On the way home, H asks if my father/lawyer thought the preliminary agreement was fair. I say yes expect he has different idea of custody agreement. I say my father doesnt like how the current arrangement is not formally set and we just go job by job and month to month sometimes even week to week.

I could tell my H did not like this answer. He wants me to agree to this fly by the seat of our pants custody agreement. He says that because we both work freelance jobs we cant commit to a traditional schedule. I tell him my father thinks a traditional schedule is better for the kids.

H leaves 15 minutes later with the girls and calls me from the car when he is with them. He is upset but very calm (as usual) Says he thinks that I am going to try to keep the girls from him. My father says that our decision to separate has consequences and this is one of them. I said I dont know if I agree with my father but its hard for me not to trust his judgement since he has been the one taking care of me. We agree to go to the family therapist next weekend to figure it out. He also through in something like, I cant wait another month to move forward with this process its just too long for me.

So now the freight train is back on the track.

While I was writing this a mutual male friend "J" called. He told me that he suspects my H is having a affair with the other woman but does not have any solid proof. J said when he was at my H new apartment in december he was giving himself a tour and thought the apartment was really nice. He was about to open a closet in my daughters room, on his self guided tour, and my H stopped him and said dont open that. I WISH I JUST KNEW FOR SURE!!! OGH!!

J also said at the same gathering OW was saying things like "oh H turned me on to this band" or "I started doing this workout cause H suggested it".

I have the afternoon to myself and I had planned to be super busy but right now its just better to be slightly busy and go easy on myself. This is really hard.

Almost forgot on the phone my H said "You know I would do anything for the girls" and I said "That is really hard for me to hear" I was very proud of my response. I thought it was calm but I also held my ground.


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M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

BklynMom #2229644 03/11/12 08:30 PM
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(((BM))))

Not sure which is worse; the reality of an EA/PA or the suspicion of one that can lead our imaginations to dark places. Hope you can keep your mind to what is proven vs. what is potential. Not sure why our brains tend to take us to the worst places, but it seems to be a common challenge.

I think the family therapist is a good idea. Hopefully they can provide some clear options on what will be best for your girls (outside of a restored marriage, of course).

Good for you for standing your ground, keep it up. Hope you can find a good balance of GAL activities to focus on good things for you.

I've got the week to myself because W took kids back to our former home for spring break. My mental challenge is to focus on my life and not dwell on my sitch. Saw a post from someone over in the past day or so that said if they could change anything, they would have stopped giving so much their energy to the sitch and focus more on their own life. I'm trying to take that advice. Hope you can too. (Oh, and they did bust the divorce...)


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2229655 03/11/12 09:35 PM
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Hey BK Babe!! We both started a new thread today, bittersweet right? This is and will continue to be a long road. I am so proud of your growth and courage for yourself and your girls.

I think its best to stay firm w/ your values and boundaries no matter how upset your H gets.

Sorry about the info your friend gave you and I'm not quite sure why he would bring this to you with no confirmation. Are you planning on doing anything w/ this or just let it play its course?

That post your referring to ces was from 25.

Be well BK!!


Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley
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Brklyn Babe - as crappy as it is, I'm not sure if anyone who suspects their S of an affair, and has a shitload of evidence, but no smoking gun, finds out that it was all a mistake and a comedy of errors.

I'm not trying to bum you out, just saying that we rationalize our way to death's door trying to believe it cant be true. The only thing you can do, albeit hard under the circumstances, is to remember what an amazing Brklyn Babe you are, and an amazing Brkly Mom.

I seem to be on a LOTR kick today. I am thinking that like in that movie, these things happening to us are a purposeful spiritual test of our inner strength. We talk our way out of living based on our strengths and that we deserve happiness, that its our obligation to make that happen. Like LOTR we keep our M rings on and, just like the movie, the ring poison our minds. We rationalize the shitt out of their bad behavior.

25 and Ces are right. The time we spent being miserable, although perfectly understandable, was mostly a waste.

(((BB)))

rickb89 #2229797 03/12/12 03:50 PM
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Thanks everyone. I am doing good today. I have been working the past 3 weeks and it is so much easier on my mind then being at home. For all the sahm moms just know it is much harder to be at home especially when you are going through this crap.

Little time at work to feel sorry for myself. I get to hug my girls and that is the biggest blessing. They are such perfect angels. I will not become a bitter divorcee for them.

Thinking about how to handle this session with the family consulour this weekend. H wants a Lucy goosey custody arrangement and I want to nail down a plan. I feel like I am making it too easy for him.


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

BklynMom #2229800 03/12/12 04:00 PM
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Originally Posted By: BklynMom
Thinking about how to handle this session with the family consulour this weekend. H wants a Lucy goosey custody arrangement and I want to nail down a plan. I feel like I am making it too easy for him.


Why do you feel like this? Do you want to make it harder on him to punish him or for you and the girls?

I would suggest you make your decisions based on love and acceptance as much as possible as opposed to anger/resentment and possibly wanting to be punitive. What would the result of that be?

Obviously easier said than done!


Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley
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BM- I think you're responses to him were great. You didn't let him bully you into the custody agreement- YOU have the girls' best interest at heart. I hope that you can figure out an arrangement with the C.... and I tend to agree with your dad, that a consistent schedule for the girls' is better for their sense of security.

As far as the OW, I understand how maddening it is to not know for sure. I still get sick to my stomach thinking about the possibility of H and OW- I really have to squash the urge to slash her tires!

I hear (read) you becoming stronger with each post smile


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
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Sias, thanks for your honest feedback. I have very little anger towards my H these days, I see him as truly diseased. I do however have anti-DB thoughts and strategies of how to cure him of his disease. Right now I think I need to push him over the cliff. This honky dory separated world we are living in is not reality.

He uses our car all the time like its his. He stays longer when he comes over to drop the girls off. One day I will remarry or have a boyfriend and we will not want to hang out with H.

My father/lawyer is starting to get into a C agreement with his lawyer (I am crying writing these words) and my father wants to be the bad guy. I am just gonna say that my father wants to make sure me & the girls are protected, we can continue with this easy going custody arrangement for now but if something goes wrong then we have this formal document as a safety plan. Also who knows how our lives will change if our future significant others will have kids and then we have to negotiate that whole mess.

I just love these boards. It saves me during the day when I start feeling lonely cause I cant call my H to share the events of the day, that I have you guys:)


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

BklynMom #2230038 03/13/12 03:15 AM
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Ohh Bklyn, sorry that you are feeling sad. If your girls are asleep go peek at their angel faces.

Let your Dad be the Enforcer, that's his job and I'm sure he's happy to do it.

(((b)))


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2230119 03/13/12 12:43 PM
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(((BM)))

Reality [censored] sometimes. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Very glad your dad is there to walk with you through this.

I hope you see how strong you are becoming through this. I see it. Not that this is easy at all or gets much easier for a while, but you are dealing with it with grace and dignity. That's strength, and its it you.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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