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#2236248 - 04/07/12 06:37 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: Mach1]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Originally Posted By: rickb89
This morning I think W maybe hit her wall. I've been talking to my former roommates wife, and some people at UMass about what I can do. It doesn't look promising. Basically, the professionals are telling me she has to hit her wall on her own, and I should move on and let her go so someone can survive it and take care of the kids. That this might take years, and may never be the same again. You think DB'ing is counterintuitive, try letting your wife possibly lose it all, and then walking away. She crashed this morning...doesn't want to exist, doesn't want the responsibility of any of us, my beliefs are BS, etc. I can't decribe how bad it is. I hope she makes it. I decided I would take care of the practical stuff like the car and set her up so she can at least know where she stands financially and then off she goes. I dont know what else to do except keep following my gut feelings which are telling me its going to be allright for the kids and me. She is saying "f" her psyche doc too. Once she's out (soon) we can rebuild. Mario and Christina are moving back in so there will be me, and the five kids in all; a new family of sorts.


Hey Bro...

It's scary letting them walk in their own light. It's hard to do the "worse" , in "Better or worse"..

Yes, it is. I have found the "worse" part to be very different than what I thought. I always had it in my head that "for worse" meant we would be a team meeting hardships together. This was unexpected, but I did learn a lot from this.

Is that her bottom ? Maybe so, maybe not. Although it is her processing things on her time. It is her looking inside of herself for answers, or partially looking for answers.

You're right that I am defining her hitting her wall based on my definition of that. Anything could happen, much worse, much better.

In the grand scheme of the Universe, you aren't allowed to know what her bottom is. You may never know what it is, or what it was. That's why it is HER bottom. What you think it is, or should be, is -in reality- not what it ends up being.

So far that's 100% true.

I have talked to several people, and read from quite a few more about that "bottom" time in their life. Some people call it the "Threshing Floor", where one stands totally exposed, asking questions and looking for the answers. It is also the place where we question our Faith, and our existence. We question everything about what we know, we give, receive. The LBS gets to that point much earlier than the Life Crisis people do.

You know, it's terrifying to see her fall apart in all the ways it's happening. Lately, her phsyical complaints are not the kind of things I'm glad to hear. Kind of like RoRo's H, the way he just seems to be breaking down constantly.

They seem to vary, depending on the person. From as hard as having an accident victim die in their arms, to hearing a song on the radio. From staring at a pistol in their hands, to walking through the family room and realizing that they were they only thing missing from their "storybook" life. I read in the archives a few years back, of a woman who poured a cup of coffee one morning, went outside to sit with her OM, and had the casual thought of " Oh, I could be doing this with my Husband". Then got up and went home to work on things....

As hard as this is Rick, I can't think of a more loving thing to give to her. And I pray that one day, she can be healthy enough to give back to you and your family.

I'm hoping some day she can come to me and say that she made it and that she's happy, content and without fear. That works for me.

There isn't a lot of information written about the place you have reached here. Mostly because the LBS men don't usually last this long. I think it is pretty typical for the men to draw that line in the sand much sooner than our much smarter, superior sex, counterparts do. Mostly because us men have input from two sources. One which isn't that smart.... : o

Well Mach, it's been a long journey. These issues have gone back our entire life together, since her and I were kids. I'm pretty spent by the journey, yet at the same time I've never felt more optimistic. There's something good coming, that I know.


How you stand now, is a reflection of what you have overcome in your life, what you have overcome through this, and what you are capable of overcoming in the future. What you show those wonderful little (and not so little anymore) people that look toward you for guidance in life. How you act, and who you are, is what they will emulate in their life.

The seeds that you sow today, will provide a harvest for you....


You know where to find me if you need an ear my friend.....

Master Kahn....thank you again for the showing me that the paths to a better world were indeed out there.




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#2236249 - 04/07/12 06:40 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: BklynMom]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: BklynMom
Sometimes its hard to believe that its a disease. Its a cancer of their psyche. Like cancer some people have 1 round of chemo and are cured, others battle for years and never make it to the other side.

Your W has a disease, it is now in Gods hands.

Count your blessings and be grateful for your healthy children.


You are so right Brkyln Babe! Maybe this will turn out better for you and family than here? I hope so for you, girls and yes, your H.

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#2236250 - 04/07/12 06:44 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: 2chiquitos]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: veroprado
you're doing yoga, that's really good. Trying to stay in the present during yoga is challenging. Try meditating, if you haven't already. It also relaxes me.

Take Care Rick


Thanks Vero! Its nice of you to care and share!

I didn't know it at the time that my entire journey through the Kung Fu world, and then the yoga world was preparing me for a battle of another nature entirely. But thank god I did all that. And yes, I do continue to meditate, but often in the oddest places, when I can find some quiet time.

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#2236304 - 04/08/12 03:37 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 754
(((( )))) very difficult transitional time for you. but in the end.. i know you will come out wiser and stronger.

more than anything, your kids will know you always loved them and that they are the best parts of your life. and the lovely thing.. although your W may be lost and your family feels smaller.. the reality is that your family is actually growing.. with the addition of 2 beautiful girls. and probably a 3rd when your youngest gets older (he seems slick that one. lol). isn't that a wonderful blessing?

step by step.. day by day.. you're getting closer to where you need to be. i really haven't a clue where that is.. but i'm sure you'll know when you get there.
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2236355 - 04/08/12 03:57 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: barely floating]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: barely floating
(((( )))) very difficult transitional time for you. but in the end.. i know you will come out wiser and stronger.

more than anything, your kids will know you always loved them and that they are the best parts of your life. and the lovely thing.. although your W may be lost and your family feels smaller.. the reality is that your family is actually growing.. with the addition of 2 beautiful girls. and probably a 3rd when your youngest gets older (he seems slick that one. lol). isn't that a wonderful blessing?

step by step.. day by day.. you're getting closer to where you need to be. i really haven't a clue where that is.. but i'm sure you'll know when you get there.


Thanks banana....you always put things in perspective...hugs!

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#2236368 - 04/08/12 05:36 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
If you follow the DB principles all the way through and you learn so much about yourself, get your life back, become a better person, keep it together for your kids, create a new and great life, yet your spouse never recovers and your M ends; was DB'ing a success, or an epic failure?

Easter was nice today. The kids had a blast hunting down the eggs, their gift bags were a great success, complete with Easter Monkeys.

W made a guest appearance and spoke to me non-stop for about two hours. The jist of it is in her words is that she has somehow lost the ability to connect with anyone and wants to be invisible. She says there is something in her that is erupting but she doesn't know what it is. She could only compare it to when she was in labor with our boys, that kind of a feeling. She talked about how she has felt this way as long as she can remember, and that she was able to mask it somewhat when our boys were younger and she had a huge distraction in them. She said she is faking every single human interaction she has.

I have never seen a more tortured soul.

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#2236369 - 04/08/12 05:58 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8542
Loc: Sonoran Desert
(((rick)))

The Easter Monkeys made me smile!
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2236387 - 04/08/12 07:34 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: rickb89
She said she is faking every single human interaction she has.

I have never seen a more tortured soul.


Wow, that is quite amazing that she has come to this conclusion. What a sad life to lead. Is your wife spiritual? Does she ever look for ways to serve others? I have not read your whole sitch so I may be way off in what I'm suggesting but maybe she is needing to find a meaningful way to connect with others?? A great way to do this is to find ways to help or serve others. It forces you to forget yourself and your problems and to focus on what you can do to make someone else feel better. This may not be something that you can tell her to do but you could possibly encourage a situation that would lead her to do this. IDK. Sometimes our best life lessons are learned when we look outside ourselves.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2236459 - 04/09/12 03:24 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: jks]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 754
La... Easter monkey???
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2236478 - 04/09/12 08:30 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: barely floating]
nhmom Offline
Member

Registered: 12/20/11
Posts: 345
Rick -

Glad you had a good Easter! You are so blessed to have your kids and they are blessed to have a great dad!

Your attitude towards life is so inspiring. I hope many people on the board can learn a thing or two from you.

You are so right that the best thing you can get out of of DB'ing is taking control of your own life, because that really is the only thing that we can control.

(((Rick))) You're a true inspiration...we'll be right here with you as you continue on your journey.
_________________________
Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11



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