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#2234263 - 03/29/12 09:15 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: Truegritter]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
TG - listen, boy do I listen. I think my ears have grown from the amount of use over the last year.

I agree with you. I don't think its a turning point. I'm just seeing a brutal inner struggle of hers burst at the seams, and I seem to be her go to person when that happens. It's really kind of ironic. I will listen to her for hours on end and I think she gets something out of it. I usually find it gives her just enough juice to run off and start doing her awful things again.

At this point the shitty irony of that doesn't really bum me out anymore. I have moved beyond it and just see it.

I am taking care of me and the kids, and actually her too while she's here. Somethings going to happen with her soon. I can smell it coming. I'll help her out and make sure she's safe and can find somewhere someway to rebuild her life. My life and kids life have moved beyond that world as best we can.

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#2234528 - 03/31/12 06:03 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
Truegritter Offline
Member

Registered: 02/27/10
Posts: 2686
you're there man.

Just be there for her.

I know it may sound strange but she will remember you for this.

And even if that is all there is isn't an expression of you?

And the upside?

If

If

She figures this sh!t out, you'll be the guy sticking to your values and your guns in face of this crazy thing.

So that is your peace. For you and your children.
_________________________
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am

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#2234548 - 03/31/12 12:50 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5248
Originally Posted By: rickb89
I just read for the first time, the six stages of a MLC. I do think she is in a MLC but add the childhood psyche issues into the mix and its a hornet's nest.

I think she's coming out of replay stage and entering the depression stage.


After giving you that advice on the alt. I have been trying to read through your thread. I only read this one(part 5) so I may still be missing some things but I get the general idea.

First childhood issues are part of the ingriedients of an MLC. So you are seeing her go back and verbalize some of these issues.

For the most part I think you are doing fine validating and listening to her. I am not sure there is that much more you can DO without totally letting GO. She is in the drivers seat right now and even while drunk, she is driving the car. You must let her. She may need to crash in order to figure out what she needs to do to move forward.
As painful as that is to watch, it is the part that you must play.

As far as your analysis that she is leaving replay for depression.
I do not think you are right about that, she is still in escape and avoid mode. Her replay antics may be changing and depression is part of the entire crisis. Sometimes they can hit what you think is rock bottom and bounce off of it and find more strength in some other way.

But what I see you describing still has elements of replay in it.
The drinking, the crazy friends, the desire to leave.

Anyways I just wanted to leave this message for you.
Keep on your path, she is on hers and as hard as it is to try to control you have learned that you can not.
Be careful enabling her too much.
It is like throwing gas on the fire.
You can do nothing to speed this along but you can do lots to slow it down.

And I know none of us what to slow down this process.

It is long enough as it is.
_________________________
Me-60, D28,S26

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#2234700 - 04/01/12 03:43 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: Cadet]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Thanks Cadet. That makes a lot of sense and it helps.

I hoping for her to find her answers, wishing her well, and have truly let go of the rope (after taking if off from around my neck).

Thanks!!!

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#2235099 - 04/03/12 02:36 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Nothing new to say. Enjoying my kids each and every moment, going to yoga, seeing friends, watching movies, reading, remodeling the house step by painful step. Life is full in that respect.

Seeing my W fall apart is not easy. Don't know what's in store for her. It's painful to see. I worry that she might not live through this.

Someone asked me to think about good memoroies from the past, just to break the constant mindset of bad news. I thought about a few cherished moments from the past. I hadn't realized how much that would hurt, incredible pain. It is the past for me but still, that hurt. Its harder knowing my kids are feeling that too. They will reminisce about some family memory, and then I see their faces go blank when the current sitch hits them.

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#2235224 - 04/03/12 10:26 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
Truegritter Offline
Member

Registered: 02/27/10
Posts: 2686
Rick

I am sorry you are hurting. There comes a day when you can remember those times and value them for what they were.

Right now they stand in stark contrast to what is reality.

Just know that what you are feeling is part of it all. It is necessary even though painful.
_________________________
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am

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#2235463 - 04/04/12 07:48 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: Truegritter]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Thanks TG!

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#2235911 - 04/06/12 01:16 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119


I got to buy a new car yesterday for W, picking it up tomorrow. It's odd doing this, this way. It's not "us" happily buying a new car together. It's me doing this knowing full well that that this is one step in the process of me setting her up for her own life, and me saying goodbye.

I'm also in a different phase of this sitch. I'm mourning the demise of our family, knowing a chapter in my life is truly done. So all the good memories are pouring in. For me, its a sad quiet saying goodbye, not the same feelings as when the bomb happened.

I truly cant stand to speak to her or be around her, and that is unfortunate because she's still in the house here and there. I have asked her to just text or email if we need to handle practical stuff. But, in her state she needs to talk and I'm the one she talks to. So I listen and listen again, and maybe offer a suggestion here and there hoping she can use something to help her climb out of her hole. The thing she doesn't get is that everything she is saying is from someone in a huge crisis, or something that I either morally don't agree with or its a philosophy that I can't stomach at all. I just keep getting quieter and quieter and if by phone she keeps asking if I'm still there. To get to whisper level with her is a struggle. I don't even take her calls anymore without letting them go to VM so I can see what she wants to talk about first.

I'm leading two lives, like Neo in The Matrix. One, is this life full of opportunity and I can, by being still and listening, feel it coming like a freight train. I totally unafraid of jumping this train and seeing where it goes. The other life is this ending chapter, and I hate it.

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#2235913 - 04/06/12 01:29 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
This morning I think W maybe hit her wall. I've been talking to my former roommates wife, and some people at UMass about what I can do. It doesn't look promising. Basically, the professionals are telling me she has to hit her wall on her own, and I should move on and let her go so someone can survive it and take care of the kids. That this might take years, and may never be the same again. You think DB'ing is counterintuitive, try letting your wife possibly lose it all, and then walking away. She crashed this morning...doesn't want to exist, doesn't want the responsibility of any of us, my beliefs are BS, etc. I can't decribe how bad it is. I hope she makes it. I decided I would take care of the practical stuff like the car and set her up so she can at least know where she stands financially and then off she goes. I dont know what else to do except keep following my gut feelings which are telling me its going to be allright for the kids and me. She is saying "f" her psyche doc too. Once she's out (soon) we can rebuild. Mario and Christina are moving back in so there will be me, and the five kids in all; a new family of sorts.

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#2235926 - 04/06/12 02:13 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Peace be with you, my friend....

Hate all this for you. I believe the future holds good things for you as foggy and as unclear as it may appear currently.

=@@=
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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