DBing while settling finances

[scaredsilly]

hi ng, i can only speak for myself but i've seen our sitch's described as rollercoaster rides so i feel pretty sure it's normal for the up and down action of our emotions.

i was in the gutter when he told me he wanted to divorce. that was in dec. '11. we then spent time together for 5 weeks. it was cold and distant. after i came back home, i went back down. i did not see him daily and my imagination went crazy. i was in panic mode.

then, back up in march until he, again, started talking about divorce. that was the beginning of april.

finally, i decided i would be able to make it without him. it took effort but i went out and GAL, read inspirational quotes every morning, got emails sent to me from religious sites and divorce support groups, etc. all this has helped me to get a positive mindset. now, he is interested in me again. i am NEVER angry with him or in a bad mood. i'm upbeat about my life and myself.

i may be down again but i don't believe it will be as bad if i am.

so, i guess what i'm trying to say is, what you're going through seems normal to me and if your course is anything like mine, you'll be back up but you will have to put some effort into it.

hope this helps.

[needgrace]

Thanks so much SS. Your post gave me hope. I am excited that your H is interested again and I admire your strength. I will check out your sitch tonight to learn from you.

I am trying to GAL but today has been tough and I sure don't feel like it. But I need to remember that I have had these days before and they don't last...tomorrow is a new day and I will feel better.

I am having a tougher time with the 180's. I have been able to not call or contact her which is positive.... but I have a struggle not responding to her contacts with me with anger and hurt. I need to stop that and I commit myself to that anew today.

I even tried tapping (EFT) therapy today, followed a video. It actually helped for few moments but I am not sure if it is the power of suggestion. Any one else use it?

[Cadet]

Yes what you are going through is normal.
Read this post on

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

you will find it is similar to the stages of grief.
Be gentle with yourself.
Go back and start the process again.
Breathe, eat, sleep, execrcise, GAL.

It will start to get better I promise.

[Truegritter]

NG

I found looking at the stages was helpful when I looked back on them.

You never are aware you are going through a stage when you are doing it.

Only when you have been through it can you see

AHA!

That was denial! That stage sVcked I can't deny.

I always paid very close attention to my pain.

Whatever was causing it I killed it.

Thoughts about W? Just stopped it.

What caused that? Talking to her. Learning about what she was doing...

Cure? Detachment. Didn't want to know what or where she was. Stopped snooping. Stopped wacthing FB I actually deleted my FB account.

Then came the pain of seeing a man in the mirror that I didn't like. A man I didn't respect.

I found what I didn't like and killed it.

I changed.

I changed because I recognized there was no one but me responsible for my pain.

I placed boundaries for my W so her choices would not make me feel pain or reflect on my own self worth.

So

What can you do to set yourself on that path?

[Valeska19]

Great post TG!

[needgrace]

Thank you, Truegritter and Cadet.

I am working on

1) thought stopping - my tendency to obsess now over the future (the horrible what ifs.......) and also what she is doing now (especially with OW in the picture now and her desire to move forward w/ D papers. I had been doing pretty well at giving her time/space before then.) I am having trouble with this one. My thoughts turn to her almost without a pre-thought. I am having some success at turning my mind to other things, but I need to GAL more so I have more to occupy my mindspace.

2) meditation and reading Buddhist philosophy to help me with my anxiety and w/ letting go.

3) i need to stop talking about her so much. at this point i think it just prolongs the obsession and pain.

4) i need to GAL more.... beyond my comfort zone and meet new people. i have a core group of friends but i have not gone beyond them much. Last night, I did, I went out with someone I know a little through work and her friend.

5) i am off of fb which is good for not trying to know what she is doing. but i also need to stop checking my email as much.

6) i have looked in the mirror but i realized after reading your note, TG, that i have not done much about the things i want to change. the top of the list is to be more confident socially and meet more people. i am putting that here so i feel more accountable, to make it harder to put off and off and off

7) i started a vision board of who i want to be and what i want in my life. i need to continue to add to it.

she sent me an email with some questions she needed answered for the D papers...questions about our property, etc. i assume that i answer them? i know. cadet, that you suggested that i don't help her with the D, but i am not sure what you meant by that. won't she just get angry if i don't provide what she needs?

thanks also for the stages information, i feel as if i bounce around between anger, denial and depression.... i know that i need to learn how to detach more to get to acceptance.

i imagine myself with 25mlc's confidence, saying that my W is a fool to leave me and to think that someone else can match up to me.. and even if she never realizes it, i know it.

[Cadet]

she sent me an email with some questions she needed answered for the D papers...questions about our property, etc. i assume that i answer them? i know. cadet, that you suggested that i don't help her with the D, but i am not sure what you meant by that. won't she just get angry if i don't provide what she needs?

YUP she might get angry.
What is she going to DO.
DIVORCE YOU?

Mirror work - why do you feel compelled to do whatever she asks?
Are you scared she will get ANGRY?
That she will divorce YOU?
That you will be abandoned?

In a controlling relationship it takes two.
The controller and the enabler.
Which one are you?

180's - start with not providing what she NEEDS.
She needs to grow up on her own.
Not you helping her to do it.

After your divorce are you going to provide her with any NEEDS?

Maybe you can run over to her house and cut her lawn, do her laundry, clean her house.

Do I make my point?

[labug]

Are these questions only you can answer or is it information that's readily available to her and it's just easier to ask you?

[needgrace]

Hi Cadet and labug, Thanks for the posts.

I am the only one who has access to the information she needs for the forms. I am not worried about making her angry, I made her plenty angry during the negotiation of the settlement.

I feel it looks as if I am desperate/clinging (which I have been many times during this process) and controlling (which she has said I was during the relationship.) I think if I am not cooperative, her anger will make filing easier for her emotionally.

I feel that being cooperative shows that I know I will be okay no matter what and that I am respecting her right to live her own life and make her own choices.

Your thoughts? I guess I am confused Cadet as to what I would be accomplishing by not being cooperative.

[hopeless in wa]

I think if I am not cooperative, her anger will make filing easier for her emotionally.

That's exactly where I'm at with my h.