DBing while settling finances

[MrBond]

it's okay to not see her. In fact, I would arrange all of her things in one pile and in the places where her things were previously, have new things to replace it.

Show her that YOU've decided to move on and make yourself happy. Freshen up the home with flowers and fresh scents. Make it seem like you're perfectly fine right now.

Find something enjoyable to do for the period she was planning to come by.

You can do it.

[needgrace]

Thank you for the feedback.

Val, I truly don't know if I can. I think it is best for me if I stay away.

Mr. Bond, I like your idea of making the place look like I am happy and content and moving on with my life. I have bought a cool new piece of furniture that I will display proudly and some beautiful new chairs to replace some she is taking. I will set them up tonight and make everything look bright and happy. This will be a wonderful 180 as I had been not wanting to change things with her gone and she knew it.

Thank you so so much for helping me through this.

[needgrace]

So today was the big day. My W moved out of state. I just got home and it is strange and sad to see half the furniture gone, to feel the emptiness.

But my mind turns to things the vets on this board have said along the way: to give her space, that the old R is gone, that no matter what happens I can choose to learn and grow and be happy, that I have been given the gift of time.. and I realize that I am learning to detach and to GAL and that these things are truly helping me get through this. thank you.

I have not received any D papers and I guess the thing to do is not to ask, but to realize that they do not matter, that D papers or not the old R is gone, so I am not living in limbo, I am just living. I all grieve but I will survive. An old me is gone too, replaced by someone who is surviving what she thought she couldn't get through.

[Valeska19]

NG,
I'm glad you decided to stay away. Avoiding the emotional rollercoaster won't be possible for a little bit. Ride it as best you can.

But my mind turns to things the vets on this board have said along the way: to give her space, that the old R is gone, that no matter what happens I can choose to learn and grow and be happy, that I have been given the gift of time.. and I realize that I am learning to detach and to GAL and that these things are truly helping me get through this. thank you.

I have not received any D papers and I guess the thing to do is not to ask, but to realize that they do not matter, that D papers or not the old R is gone, so I am not living in limbo, I am just living. I all grieve but I will survive. An old me is gone too, replaced by someone who is surviving what she thought she couldn't get through.

This is a good perspective. Keep these thoughts in the forefront of your mind.

Make YOUR life YOUR own.. there is no better time than NOW.

((( )))

[Cadet]

I have not received any D papers and I guess the thing to do is not to ask, but to realize that they do not matter, that D papers or not the old R is gone,

This is part of the script, she is keeping her foot in the door and you are a backup plan in case things don't work out.
Stay dark and let her control the contact.
She must live her new life to see if it is what will bring her happiness.
My guess is no, but only TIME will tell.

Now use the TIME you have as wisely as possible.

[needgrace]

Thank you, Val and Cadet, for your support and advice.

Val, it is true that the roller coaster continues. I feel worse today. The reality is setting in... This is definitely a marathon, not a sprint. I think it is normal though, I am grieving the loss. I am blessed in so many ways and will get through this, but I am allowing myself to be sad now.

Cadet, I think you are right. The vague note she left said : "I will be in touch about things once I am settled." What in the world does that mean??? Why is it so hard for her to be clear and tell me what is going on with the D? or if she is already in another R? I don't understand and wonder too how I should feel about being a backup plan?

I am allowing myself to grieve tonight and tomorrow I will get up and GAL. I will continue to work on me and to work on detaching. A friend told me to stop waiting and hoping for W to change and come back. I don't really know how to do that, stop hoping... I am working on GALing but in the back of my mind, in my heart, I have not given up hope. I don't even know how to...

[LeafTurner]

Thank you for sharing. I am new here and I appreciate that you are sharing your story with us. Please know there are people like myself sending you positive energy. Have the strength to be happy.

[Valeska19]

The reality is hard. I spent my first 3 months just GALing the sh!t out of my life. Any thing I was invited to... I went to. I exercised a bunch.

I also created a bucket list. I gained so much confidence and empowerment just crossing stuff off that list.

In the beginning you are using GAL to fill a recent hole or to lessen the blow of your life turning upside down...

.... but it won't always serve this purpose.

As for hope.. well we all have it. Thus why we are here. They say that you can still have hope whilst accepting what is the now.

You can hope whist moving on.

I wasn't very good at that. It wasn't until I gave up hope that I was able to move on.

But I did that at my own time... in my own way.

You will figure out how to do these things as well. Don't bottle up what you feel.. but don't dwell in it either.

And it will get easier every day.

((( )))

[needgrace]

Thanks Val and LF.

Five days since my W moved out of state. Not a word from her. I have not contacted her either and was not really been tempted to all weekend (what a change from the first few months of this situation)

I GAL'd this weekend and enjoyed biking along the beach, cleaning out the garage for a fresh start and looking for new furniture. I did all of those with a friend and enjoyed myself. It is when I am home alone, just me and my cute dog, that I tend to obsess.... I have had some success turning my mind away from the obsessive thinking to a new project of forming a vision board of what I want in my life, where I want to go and who i want to be... I was feeling happy ad hopeful..

Then today came...uh oh..

I pulled myself off Facebook a few months ago to help detach. A friend asked me today if i wanted to know what W posted. i initially said no and then she said that it was good news and i mistakenly acquiesced. W posted on the day of her move that "it was finally sinking in" and a sad face. Honestly, I do not read anything into that about us, it seemed to be just about moving.

My friend then told me that W posted that she was moving back here in 6 months like it was definite. That sent me reeling...I started thinking that she was already talking about moving back because she had started a new R already (the girl she had told me she was interested in last month) and how difficult it will all be if she moves back to this small community and I just got so anxious and sad tonight.

Of course, I wanted to call her, wanted an answer about the D papers and if there is a new R to end this anxiety....but thankfully I didn't call or text her. (That is a big 180 for me to manage my anxiety!)

i have been reading a great deal on the boards about MLC and think that is what she is having, but also think that she is naturally a runner and may never stop running. i need to refocus tomorrow on me and my own growth and happiness.

it is so humbling, this journey, every time i think i have a handle on it, i get knocked down again. i wish i could detach easier....i was imagining how 25 would handle it today.... probably with the confidence to know that even if W started a new R, she would quickly realize that i am the type of woman that can not be easily replaced!!

[needgrace]

journal:

I have been thinking a great deal about why the very vague bits of news from yesterday put me in such a tailspin emotionally and has been hard to let go of..

I think that I fear rejection/replacement so much bc in the back of my mind, I believe that she is right, that I am all the things she said... and that I have always believed that I am not enough.

During the R, I would have nightmares sometimes that she was leaving me and wake up crying.

One of the things which made her so angry during out R...is that several times I asked her (she would say accused) if she was interested in someone else... I know that hurt her and made her feel like I did not trust her.

I tried to work on it...and did well for several years up to a few months before the ILBINILWY speech when she was paying a lot of attention to an ex, the ex had crossed some boundaries in talking about her unhappiness in her longterm relationship and I asked my W again..

I also tried to explain to her that it was not her that I did not trust but me... I did not trust that I was enough.

I know, terribly unattractive, wish I had known 25 back then.

I want to change this, believe in myself. i have had wonderful success in two careers, survived great loss, have great friends, but still can not seem to get past this inner inferiority...

there are so many pieces to it... i knew i was gay at a very early age, went to a Christian school and college and prayed/cried/felt incredible guilt for years to try and change my sexual orientation... my brother died from cancer when i was 4 creating so much sadness/guilt in my home.. and on and on

i know the pieces but still struggle

i am going to therapy but would appreciate any other guidance from you all.