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#2235843 - 04/06/12 04:05 AM Re: DBing while settling finances [Re: needgrace]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Val, that was great, just pasted into my db doc!

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#2236434 - 04/09/12 03:42 AM Re: DBing while settling finances [Re: hopeless in wa]
needgrace Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 1345
Dear veteran DBers:

I posted the following last week and would love some feedback about how i am handling this:

I got a note from my W saying that after her move on April 12th out of state, she will be spending time with her mom so that she can "take her time with making any concrete decisions." i don't know what that means and she did not explain any further.

i don't know if this is about a possible new relationship (the woman she admitted having some feelings for who i saw her with again last week) and/or if she is re-thinking filing the D papers.

I have decided not to ask. What does everyone think about this choice? I decided that I need to learn to be okay no matter what she does and thought that i should start now with this, not needing to know.... I figured if she wanted to say more to me, she would.

This is a 180 for me as well.

Thank you for the feedback.
_________________________
Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13

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#2236440 - 04/09/12 04:04 AM Re: DBing while settling finances [Re: needgrace]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9274
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Have no expectations would be my advice. Sounds simple but not so easy to put into practice. However if you can have no expectations about what she may or may not do, it will make your whole life better.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

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#2236462 - 04/09/12 09:15 AM Re: DBing while settling finances [Re: needgrace]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5439
Originally Posted By: needgrace
I have decided not to ask. What does everyone think about this choice? I decided that I need to learn to be okay no matter what she does and thought that i should start now with this, not needing to know.... I figured if she wanted to say more to me, she would.

Sounds like a good PLAN,
Trying to figure out what is in her head is just MINDREADING.
Unlikely to be able to figure it out.

You 180 sounds like good first steps down a path.
Stay on it.
_________________________
Me-60, D28,S27

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#2236636 - 04/09/12 11:56 PM Re: DBing while settling finances [Re: Cadet]
needgrace Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 1345
Thank you labug and Cadet. I so appreciate your support and good advice. I am working on staying focused on me and my life. I have family in town and they have been so wonderful. I was worried that I might not be able to enjoy them with everything going on right now, but it has turned out to be such a blessing to be so busy and I have had a lot of fun taking them all over southern california (wine tasting in Santa Barbara, boating through the canals in Long Beach, Rose Bowl flea market, Huntington Gardens and of course eating all the yummy LA food!)

Of course, there have been some sad moments. My W moves out of state on Thursday and I still miss her, especially during the fun times, I wish she were there to enjoy them too. I have not contacted her and am planning not to see her on Thursday. I think that is best for me.

I read an article today about how women can tend to lose themselves in their relationships and then divorce feels like freedom. I feel like this is what happened to the two of us, only I wish we could find ourselves as individuals while still married. But that is not where my W is at, so I can only work on finding me. I feel as if I have been doing that fairly well, and am beginning to enjoy activities more.

But I must admit that I am scared about getting through Thursday and the days after. I still feel as if I am in a bad dream and am waiting to wake up. Thank you for all your help DBers. What a wonderful community.
_________________________
Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13

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#2236639 - 04/10/12 12:24 AM Re: DBing while settling finances [Re: needgrace]
YankeeCandle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/26/12
Posts: 335
Originally Posted By: needgrace

I read an article today about how women can tend to lose themselves in their relationships and then divorce feels like freedom.


Yeah, you know, I think this is the case with many relationships. I'm still trying to figure out how to be in an R and still feel a sense of freedom, whilst being exclusive. crazy

My coach once said, "All couples form a symbiosis of some sort."

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#2236664 - 04/10/12 01:42 AM Re: DBing while settling finances [Re: YankeeCandle]
needgrace Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 1345
Yes, yankeecandle, I agree that it is difficult to feel a sense of freedom in a relationship.

I was reading Kahlil Gibran's writings on marriage and love this quote: “But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.”

Hoping I can learn how!
_________________________
Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13

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#2236690 - 04/10/12 02:46 AM Re: DBing while settling finances [Re: needgrace]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1700
Originally Posted By: needgrace
...I got a note from my W saying that after her move on April 12th out of state, she will be spending time with her mom so that she can "take her time with making any concrete decisions." i don't know what that means and she did not explain any further.

i don't know if this is about a possible new relationship (the woman she admitted having some feelings for who i saw her with again last week) and/or if she is re-thinking filing the D papers.

I have decided not to ask. What does everyone think about this choice? I decided that I need to learn to be okay no matter what she does and thought that i should start now with this, not needing to know.... I figured if she wanted to say more to me, she would.

This is a 180 for me as well.

Thank you for the feedback.


I think you answered your own question within the quote block above. You don't need to know and therefore don't need to expend any energy thinking about it. Keep your focus where it will do you the most good, namely on yourself!

Originally Posted By: needgrace
I have had a lot of fun taking them all over southern california (wine tasting in Santa Barbara, boating through the canals in Long Beach, Rose Bowl flea market, Huntington Gardens and of course eating all the yummy LA food!)


You are making me homesick! frown
_________________________
Me49 W52 S16 S12
M21 T24
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2237242 - 04/11/12 07:32 PM Re: DBing while settling finances [Re: 2thepoint]
needgrace Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 1345
Thank you, 2tp, for confirming my thought. Sorry for making you homesick!

Well, my family left today and tomorrow my W is moving out of state. I am feeling sad and a little numb. I guess that the numbness is my mind's way of protecting me right now. I am feeling unsure of myself, how I will get through this. I feel so much pain about her leaving, it feels so final.

I need some advice from you vets: I am planning on not seeing her tomorrow when she picks up stuff from the garage. I think the DB way would be to say goodbye and have a good interaction to let her know what she will be missing, but I don't know if I can do that. We have not been in contact much at all in recent weeks. What do you vets think? Should I summon all my strength and toughen up to say goodbye or is it okay to not see her?

Thank you.
_________________________
Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13

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#2237248 - 04/11/12 07:41 PM Re: DBing while settling finances [Re: needgrace]
Valeska19 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/11
Posts: 1241
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
Originally Posted By: needgrace
Should I summon all my strength and toughen up to say goodbye or is it okay to not see her?


The question ISN'T ... should you?

The question IS... can you?
_________________________
M(f): 31
XW: 33
M: 5
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.

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