Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
We're supposed to be going to MC, but the ball's in her court on that one. The pastor we've been working with referred us to him and told us than he's the best counselor he's worked with in the 30 years or so that he's been a pastor. I'm not going to push it, but I'm sure the pastor will if too much time passes.

I'd love to get her to go to Retrouvaille, but I don't think that will fly. At least, not yet.

Her moving back in, I believe, was more a matter of convenience than a desire to reconcile, though MIL (who she was living with, 45 minutes away) was pushing her to do that. It's strange, man, it really is.


Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
No expectations-I have it tatooed on the inside of my eyelids.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 825
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 825
Bug, did that ^^^^^ hurt? And can I get your tattoo artist's number!

Ten, continue not to pressure her about MC. If there's pressure and she decides to go- she will most likely be resentful and bitter.... And no good will come of it.

I can only imagine how hard and confusing it must be to love with someone who *said* they wanted to work on things, but acts like a WAS still.

Retrouvaille would be great (so I've heard) if you could get her to agree. Maybe give yourself some benchmarks to track progress, and remember to look at the positives- even the small ones.


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
Bug - I keep telling myself that, but it seems to be an unconscious reactions.

Purg - she hasn't really said she wanted to work on things. She somewhat hinted at it when she moved back in, but there hasn't really been any more talk about that since. The roller coaster continues...

Journaling -

W seemed to be in a good mood when I got home. She talked to me for a bit about small stuff, I just agreed with her when there was an opportunity to, but I didn't feel much like staying engaged with her.

She mentioned she was going to clean the house today, something that doesn't happen very often. Normally it's up to me to get the place clean. I asked her if she wouldn't mind picking up the toys in my room, since that doubles as S's playroom during the day. She told me that she would, and that she'd meant to already have that done before I got home. I thanked her for that, said it was the thought that counts.

W loves "The Voice", so Monday night is about the only night that there's guaranteed to be some TV watching going on. We don't have cable, and the antenna in the living room doesn't get a good signal for the local NBC affiliate, but the one in the guest bedroom (my room) does. So for the last few weeks, she spends Monday night in my room. I usually lay on my bed with her, but not in a cuddly kind of way, just a relaxed, layed out, watching TV kind of way. S was being pretty wild, but I eventually got him to relax and fall asleep between W and I. I had my arm around him, and the back of my hand was touching W's leg. She usually pulls away when there's any contact, but didn't last night. When I noticed that she hadn't, I made an effort to readjust my hand so I wouldn't be touching her (or at least not as much, it's a full size bed). I was pretty tired, so for the most part I was actually laying down, but tried to stay in an upbeat mood anyway.

She made dinner and brought me a plate, something she doesn't really do anymore. I thanked her for it, she said "you're welcome." Normally the response to my thanks is "no problem." That drives me crazy, we're not teenagers/early 20-somethings anymore. The too cool for school stuff is old, you know?

She sent a few texts on her "dumb phone", at one point she got a number of msgs (I guess from BFF), and I asked her if everything was alright. There's been some drama between BFF and her H. She said that everything was fine, and I left it at that.

After the show was over (wound up watching Smash, too... about the most dramatic show I've ever seen), we went for a last cigarette before bed. She had some gas and it was pretty obvious. She apologized for the "low note" and I responded "brown note." She laughed pretty hard from that, almost doubled over laughing. I haven't seen her laugh like that in months. It felt pretty good. Wish I could make her laugh more often.

I carried S to her bed, and noticed a white padded envelope on the bed. I asked her about it, she said it was BFF's, and I let it go at that. I told her to sleep well, she told me to do the same. Usually that's just met with a goodnight. We did say goodnight, and I went to bed, hoping that she was just feeling better.

Still feeling pretty weak today, not sure why. It doesn't really make sense. I'm a fairly emotional person, but I haven't been able to keep it in check lately. May still be fallout from Saturday night. I'm not sure.


Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
I just remembered something else from Sunday. That morning, she made a comment about my hair, which I've been letting grow out. I had long hair when we met, had cut it, then let it grow again, then cut it another time a few years ago. I'd been keeping it short through most of our hard times leading up to the bomb.

She told me she thought it was long enough to pull into a ponytail, so I asked her if she had a ponytail holder. She went to her makeup bag and dug one out. Turns out my bangs and the sides aren't quite long enough, but she liked the way it looked. Went on to tell me that FIL was the only one who didn't like my hair long (hardly surprising, he's a stupidly successful business owner). So I've been keeping it up since then. Feels good in a way, especially knowing that she likes how it looks, and I like how it looks. Kinda reminds me of a colonialist hairstyle, especially when I put my peacoat on. lol

I also just remembered something from last night: S started screeching while we were watching TV, but I'd been playing with him. W popped him on the thigh, and he got upset. I told her it was my fault, and she seemed to relax a bit as far as S was concerned. I tried to comfort him a bit, and tried to keep him from bothering W. I had a thought in my head that it was turning into a "good guy, bad guy" routine, and I didn't want to make W feel that way. S climbed up on an end table, and W told him to get down. When he didn't, I got up and popped him (lightly) on the thigh then put him down. He got upset, but my only real goal was to show W I was on the same page as far as discipline was concerned and didn't want to undermine her.


Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
Really too bad that we can't edit posts, I hate to have to make a new one every time I think of something.

A few months ago, one of the women W works with was told by her H that he was divorcing her. W had a lot of rage towards men in general after that, and was upset in general because this coworker would have to move back to TX. But it hasn't come back up in a while, until the other night.

She'd spoken about how upset everyone at work was when they thought she was leaving, so I asked what had happened. She told me in a quiet sheepish kind of way that her H had changed her mind. I said that was good and I was happy for her. She went on to say that they were young, blah blah, generally negative stuff about it.


Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
Journaling -

There was a problem with our cell phone account yesterday, and it got suspended. I fixed that with the carrier, then sent W a text asking if she'd gotten a message about the account being suspended. She said she did. I told her it should be okay now.

A few minutes later, she asked (through text) what I wanted for dinner, grilled chicken or ma po dofu (spicy pork and tofu dish). I responded grilled children (auto correct on the phone is a lovely thing). It took a little while before W noticed what was sent. She made a reference to a funny video we'd watched a while back. It was pretty good interaction.

When I got home, she basically ignored me and was busy on her phone. I went to my room and found that it had been picked up and was (for the most part) clean. Found S behind my door. He'd just had a haircut. I thanked W for cleaning the room, then layed on the bed for a while (been really tired lately). She came in a little while later and apologized for being on her phone for so long. The "dumb phone" has a browser, but it's super slow, so apparently facebook was taking forever to load or do anything. I told her it wasn't a problem.

I noticed that the flowers I'd given her on Sat were finally in a vase (they weren't expensive flowers, just a little $5 decorative bouquet from the grocery store). They'd been sitting in the fridge since Sunday morning.

I cleaned the dishes in the kitchen since she hadn't had the chance to get to them. She thanked me for that.

She was pretty tired, too, and wanted to go meditate and relax. I told her to go and relax. She started some chicken thighs in the oven and asked me to pull them out after the timer went off. Also asked me to chop some vegetables and feed S. I did those things, then noticed that her sheets were in the washing machine and clothes from my room and the bathroom hamper were in the dryer. I pulled those out and folded them up, then got her sheets in the dryer.

W was upstairs for almost 2 hours. She'd fallen asleep. She came down saying she should have told me to come get her after the chicken was done. I'd already eaten a piece and mentioned that I was somewhat expecting her to not come back down. She did look incredibly tired, but went on to finish cooking dinner. She thanked me for getting her sheets in the dryer.

We ate and went to bed.

She seemed somewhat agitated yesterday, despite the good interaction. I let it be, figuring a lot of it was exhaustion from keeping up with S and trying to clean all day. It was even easier to let it be when I considered how tired I was and was content to spend the remainder of her time upstairs laying on my bed with S, who passed out pretty quickly after his chicken and dumplings. Felt nice. I was prepared to let him sleep with me if W hadn't come back down.

Wish I always had such control as I did last night. Pacing is one of my biggest habits, has been since I was a child. A good 180 would be to stop that, but that's probably the hardest thing to do of everything else I've made a 180 on so far. Last night, I just layed down. Maybe the trick is to never get quite 6 hours of sleep at night.


Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,711
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,711
Sounds like a good set of positive interactions to me. II know it is hard but try not to attribute crappy moods or agitation to anything other than just what they are. For all you know, your W stubbed her toe or is maybe PMS'ng. So chill and be content.

I really like the vibe/mood you described in your house.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 825
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 825
Sounds like a great night... Very relaxed. I think it was great that you did those chores and she acknowledged it. I'm guilty to of tryingto figure out where crappy moods come from- usually it makes him more mad when I ask. I've learned that if there is something involving me that he's upset with, he'll talk to me. Think about this: you said she told you about the H coming back to the friend in the office (and she was sheepish when she told you)... It has to make her question her choice. Up until that day, she had probably felt comfortable with her choice b/c she knew of another person that was doing the same thing. But now, as far as she's concerned, she's the only WAS that she knows... And it never feels good to be alone. She can't say: "well I know I'm leaving, but so-and-so is doing it too." Her 'bad mood' could just be her way of pulling inwards and thinking/questioning her actions.

My H has always been a 'pacer' can't seem to sit still for very long. It used to drive nuts that he would wander around the house while talking on the phone.When he comes over now, all he wants to do is sit around: watching TV or playing vidoe games with S6. Not sure of this is a positive- in the sense that he sees our home as a place for relaxation, not anxiety anymore. Or if it's a negative b/c he feels like a guest here and doesn't see the need to get involved in anything.

It was nice of you to let her have some time to meditate, it must have been very relaxing if she fell asleep afterwards.


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
Thanks guys, I'm doing my best to keep things copacetic around the house. Not always successful, but I try.

W took S to MIL's last night. I got some more less-than-great news about my dad, and wasn't looking forward to S being away for the weekend (despite the fact that I'm working), so I was a bit weepy. I did my best to not show it in front of W, but as I was putting S in the car to leave, I got weak. I tried not to show my face, but did make brief eye contact. I went back inside as fast as I could.

Went to run some errand for my mom and went to see my dad while she was gone.

She called on her way back and asked me what I wanted for dinner. Was mildly surprised by that, thought she'd already made up her mind.

She got home with the food and joined me in my room. She asked me what was wrong, that I'd looked sad when she left. Told her I had a lot on my mind, about my behaviors, my dad, etc... and that her taking S to MILs and the thought that I wouldn't really see anyone this weekend was tough to deal with.

She kind of acted like a fixer, actually told me something along the lines of needing to detach and let things I can't control go. Of course, I agreed. She wasn't being mean or condescending, and actually apologized several times for the terse mood she'd had with me before leaving with S.

She asked me if I wanted to go get some dinner for my birthday (coming up Monday), and I told her I already had plans to eat with my mom. She said we could do it another night. Told her I'd like that. Felt nice to be asked a question like that, though "no expectations" is the rule.

I also spoke with my pastor yesterday. He didn't seem surprised by any of the developments in my sitch, reminding me that I didn't get into this problem overnight, and wouldn't get back out overnight. He asked me if she'd be willing to talk to him. I told him I believed so. She's told me before that she respects and trusts him, so I really believe this is a possibility. He spent more time reminding me about the importance of taking the blame for the things that I've done, and not trying to put it off on anyone or anything else, even alcohol. Glad to have someone to talk to.

I've been busy today and am about to leave work, so I'm not sure if I'm leaving anything out. I'll be back if so! lol


Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard