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#2223538 - 02/20/12 01:27 PM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
tenbusrider Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 156
[quote=Grmpy_Mnky]
Were you ever in the military? I ask because I went off to basic the month after HS. I hated it at first. How dare these dumb -a$$es yell at me etc...
[quote]

Funny you mention this - I went off to basic the month after graduating, myself. This was when President Clinton was CIC, and I actually wound up getting discharged before my first permanent party duty assignment. It was because I couldn't do enough push-ups to satisfy the APFT. Sad state of affairs, really. I could do hundreds of push-ups a day, but on test day, they really busted my chops on not being able to maintain a rigid form.

But thanks for chiming in, I really do feel like I have the help of some of the board's best, and the gratitude I feel for all of you guys is nothing small. I may go a few days in between postings, but it doesn't mean I'm not around... just means I don't have the patience to type out long responses from my phone! lol

You're right, though: I have been treating her like a possession, though at the time I didn't think that was the case. I've certainly taken her and a lot of things about our marriage for granted. Work on detaching is an ongoing process, but as everyone knows, it's H-A-R-D.

Journaling - Saturday was a relatively quiet day. W worked, I did some cleaning around the house in an ongoing project to erase the damage caused by my apathy over the last couple of months. After W got home, I left to go see my dad in the hospital, who's finally awake after over a week of sedation. He had a tracheotomy, which will hopefully allow him to actually begin recovering instead of hanging in medical limbo due to the sedation. After I got home, W left to go to a party, and so it was just S and I. We played around for a while until he passed out. I stayed up for a while longer playing a game, then went to sleep myself.

W wound up staying the night over at her friend's house. She texted me when she was on her way home. I had coffee and cinnamon rolls ready for her when she got there. We ate then went to church.

It wasn't long after church that we had to meet with the pastor. It was a pretty long meeting. Without going into details, I listened without defending, and tried my hardest to speak without offending. I think for the most part, I did pretty well. The pastor gave me a few assignments, one of them being to not drink for a year, something W had asked for. He also advised apologizing for some of the things that I've done over the years, suggesting how to seem and actually be sincere. I haven't done these things yet, but I will. It just seemed somewhat insincere to do it immediately after leaving a meeting where I'd been told to do just that.

After the meeting, we went and bought a movie, got some KFC (W's favorite), and had a pretty decent evening together at home. In all, I think it was a good start. She mentioned in the meeting that she wasn't going to make a decision yet, indicating heavily that I might just be able to do something to turn this around. The pastor said he was hopeful and encouraged by our meetings with him that we could work it out. It's nice to have that kind of support in a time of so much uncertainty.

The last thing the pastor left me with to think about is something that's been said to me dozens of times and is oft-repeated here on the board - take it one day at a time. Easier said than done, but I'm working on it.
_________________________
Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?

Top
#2223559 - 02/20/12 02:59 PM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: tenbusrider]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3735
Originally Posted By: tenbusrider
Without going into details, I listened without defending, and tried my hardest to speak without offending. I think for the most part, I did pretty well.



That is a great theory to stick to.

: )



Originally Posted By: 10

The last thing the pastor left me with to think about is something that's been said to me dozens of times and is oft-repeated here on the board - take it one day at a time. Easier said than done, but I'm working on it.


Sometimes it is hour by hour...

And the rough days, are minute by minute.

I'm glad to hear your Father is doing better.

As far as the apology, I would recommend that you take some time. And really reflect what you think your role is.

Take some time sober, to really see how things are different before you can assume how they could be different.

Feel the emotions of that, and let them become part of you, instead of just words coming out of your mouth.

???

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#2223560 - 02/20/12 03:15 PM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: Mach1]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Speaking from my experience, a sincere apology can really start to heal wounds if the it comes from the place of you really understanding the hurt that your W felt. But then it must be followed with positive actions.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2224933 - 02/25/12 06:07 PM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: labug]
tenbusrider Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 156
Journaling-

Not going to do a day-by-day this time around. This week has been strangely pleasant as far as the sitch is concerned. W seems to have softened a bit. I've noticed a number of small things, from not trying to actively physically distance herself from me in times when we'd be standing close together, to mild flirting. I don't believe I'm imagining any of this, because these were things she definitely was NOT doing prior to our meeting with the pastor.

I haven't mentioned this previously, but the pastor wanted me to focus on and meditate about Ephesians 5:25-33. It really provides a lot of food for thought. He also wanted me to spend more time serving her, so I've been going a little above and beyond as far as my chores go. I haven't been washing her clothes for her, or anything, but I've been making sure cleaning isn't something she has to do. She seems to have noticed. "Thank you" gets said a lot more often lately. Of course, chores aren't the only thing I've been doing. In general, I've just tried to be more contextually responsive to a given situation, more agreeable at times when I would have tuned her out before.

One thing that does stick out in my mind was a discussion about the house that came up a couple of days ago. MIL really loves our house, and W was telling me about that. She went on to say that "if for some reason, we can't work it out" that one of us should keep the house. While I think that already went without saying, the change in her verbiage about the sitch was striking. Before, there wouldn't have been any real room for uncertainty.

Tonight, she and I are going to church and then to dinner (at the restaurant we both worked in early on in our R). I'm going to give her my apology. I've spent a lot of time reflecting on the things I've done wrong (the drinking and all that happened as a result, etc), and I've noted how things have been different for me, physically and mentally since I stopped. While 11 days sober isn't any large accomplishment considering how long I drank, the difference in my mental state has been profound so far. One thing I know for sure is that she didn't deserve to be treated the way I was treating her, and for that I'm both truly sorry and repentant. Now I just hope she'll forgive me. The pastor told me specifically to ask for that. We'll just see how it goes.

It might sound like I'm starting to deviate a bit from the DB path, but I don't think I am. I haven't been told to do anything that runs contradictory to any of the things I was already doing, or any of the advice provided so far - in fact, I would say it's complementing my efforts. I'm not about to rest on my laurels, however. I know that things can still blow back up with the slightest false move.

Could it be that confession in front of a third party did something to slow the train down?
_________________________
Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?

Top
#2224972 - 02/25/12 11:02 PM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: tenbusrider]
tenbusrider Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 156
So much for the date, S is sick. Can't take him to the nursery, but W wants to do it another time. I offered to help her cook whatever we decide to eat tonight, she said that sounds good. Now I have to figure out how to get break into the apology and not have it seemed forced. Maybe I'll have to just shelf that for now, but I really don't want to. Guess I'll play it by ear. Any thoughts?
_________________________
Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?

Top
#2226320 - 03/01/12 01:36 PM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: tenbusrider]
tenbusrider Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 156
Hey guys, sorry for being quiet for so long.

Things have been kinda rocky for the last couple of days. While nothing "bad" has happened, it seems like being back at square one. She talks about how stressed out she is, and I can only think of one reason why she'd be stressed out. On Tuesday she apologized in advance, telling me she was hormonal and not to take anything she said or did personally. It was easy enough to let it go at that, but then on Wednesday, more of the same, but no apologies, just more distance.

My GAL efforts have completely fallen apart with everything that's been going on - too broke to pay for my tai chi, so I don't even have that getting me out of the house every few days. I feel like a single parent, caring for and spending some great time with my son... just with an audience. I've been trying to give her her space, but she is pretty close by at all times due to the size of the house. I'll stop in the door of the office and speak to her for a moment, then move on. It's so hard not to, especially when I just want to give her a hug and tell her everything's gonna be alright. Maybe it's just me looking for that.

I'm still sober, and have been spending more time comparing my mental processes as they are now with what they were at pretty much any point while I was drinking. While I never got arrested for anything, I'm starting to see just how serious of a problem my nightly drinking was. I still haven't made the apology that the pastor asked me to make... I was going to do it this past Saturday, after we'd gone to church and while we were at dinner. That got scuttled at the last moment due to our son being sick, but I couldn't find a way to bring it up otherwise that evening. I wanted to make sure we were face-to-face when I did it. Sitting at home doesn't provide this opportunity, and I don't want my sincerity to be mistaken. I tried a couple of more times to get her to go to dinner over the last few days, both times fell through. We're going to try again this Saturday, hopefully it sticks this time. If not, I'll have to bite the bullet. This is a step in the healing process that has to happen. It's given me more time to think, but I wonder if the additional time is making her more upset at me.

We still haven't scheduled an appt with the MC the pastor referred us to - when I bring it up, W seems unsure if that's what she wants to do. She seemed real into it for a few days after our meeting with the pastor.

I really need to work on detaching some more. I've read a bunch of times that there are good days and bad, and I accept that. I just thought that there would be good mixed with bad, not a string of one then a string of the other. I THOUGHT I was doing pretty well, but I see now that it was because things were going well between us. I was somewhat encourage to feel this way by the pastor, he wanted me to focus on serving her... something I think I've done fairly well up to this point, given the sitch. She was responding pretty well, but I think I may be overdoing it a bit. So hard to tell.

I was late getting up this morning and even later leaving for work. I heard W come downstairs and stuck my head out of the kitchen. She came around the corner and was startled pretty good to see me. She yelled at me a bit then walked off. I hurried to gather my things and leave. She apologized as I was leaving, I told her I was sorry for scaring her. I left the house feeling pretty awful, between the insufficient sleep and the way she's acted towards me. I know I shouldn't let her mood affect mine, but it's getting really hard. I've got nowhere to go and no friends to hang out with. On top of that, I'm broke. I just don't know what to do.
_________________________
Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?

Top
#2226333 - 03/01/12 02:01 PM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: tenbusrider]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3735
Originally Posted By: tenbusrider

Things have been kinda rocky for the last couple of days. While nothing "bad" has happened, it seems like being back at square one. She talks about how stressed out she is, and I can only think of one reason why she'd be stressed out. On Tuesday she apologized in advance, telling me she was hormonal and not to take anything she said or did personally. It was easy enough to let it go at that, but then on Wednesday, more of the same, but no apologies, just more distance.


You are letting yourself assume what is wrong. Maybe nothing is wrong, and you feel there needs to be something wrong.

So.....STOP


Originally Posted By: tenbusrider

My GAL efforts have completely fallen apart with everything that's been going on - too broke to pay for my tai chi, so I don't even have that getting me out of the house every few days. I feel like a single parent, caring for and spending some great time with my son... just with an audience. I've been trying to give her her space, but she is pretty close by at all times due to the size of the house. I'll stop in the door of the office and speak to her for a moment, then move on. It's so hard not to, especially when I just want to give her a hug and tell her everything's gonna be alright. Maybe it's just me looking for that.


Ya think it's you ?

So get out of the house...

Google "free things to do with kids in NY" and take him...




Originally Posted By: tenbusrider

I'm still sober, and have been spending more time comparing my mental processes as they are now with what they were at pretty much any point while I was drinking. While I never got arrested for anything, I'm starting to see just how serious of a problem my nightly drinking was. I still haven't made the apology that the pastor asked me to make... I was going to do it this past Saturday, after we'd gone to church and while we were at dinner. That got scuttled at the last moment due to our son being sick, but I couldn't find a way to bring it up otherwise that evening. I wanted to make sure we were face-to-face when I did it. Sitting at home doesn't provide this opportunity, and I don't want my sincerity to be mistaken. I tried a couple of more times to get her to go to dinner over the last few days, both times fell through. We're going to try again this Saturday, hopefully it sticks this time. If not, I'll have to bite the bullet. This is a step in the healing process that has to happen. It's given me more time to think, but I wonder if the additional time is making her more upset at me.


You want my thoughts ?

I think that you have changed the dynamic in this. And I think that if you can do it for yourself first, and then your son, that you will automatically change the dynamic within the house. And that would include her.

The apology ? I think that a tad bit later would do you more of a service than too soon will. Anything less than the perfect time, will REMAIN....just words from you.

I think that you should continue to LIVE the apology with your actions. And in time....THAT is what will lead you to the words....




Originally Posted By: tenbusrider

We still haven't scheduled an appt with the MC the pastor referred us to - when I bring it up, W seems unsure if that's what she wants to do. She seemed real into it for a few days after our meeting with the pastor.


So...stop bringin it up

Originally Posted By: tenbusrider

I really need to work on detaching some more. I've read a bunch of times that there are good days and bad, and I accept that. I just thought that there would be good mixed with bad, not a string of one then a string of the other. I THOUGHT I was doing pretty well, but I see now that it was because things were going well between us. I was somewhat encourage to feel this way by the pastor, he wanted me to focus on serving her... something I think I've done fairly well up to this point, given the sitch. She was responding pretty well, but I think I may be overdoing it a bit. So hard to tell.


The good days are what brings on the bad days....for you BOTH

The good days, spark what is left inside of her, and they spark the good memories inside of her. They spark the vision that she had of the way she wanted things to be...

the bad days are the result of her feeling too close again, and the bad days allow her to distance herself from that....

YOU need to take what you can from the good days, and let go of expectations. You allow the good days, to fuel yourself through the bad days.

Enjoy the moments in life. It really is about the ride, not just the destination....

Originally Posted By: tenbusrider

I was late getting up this morning and even later leaving for work. I heard W come downstairs and stuck my head out of the kitchen. She came around the corner and was startled pretty good to see me. She yelled at me a bit then walked off. I hurried to gather my things and leave. She apologized as I was leaving, I told her I was sorry for scaring her. I left the house feeling pretty awful, between the insufficient sleep and the way she's acted towards me. I know I shouldn't let her mood affect mine, but it's getting really hard. I've got nowhere to go and no friends to hang out with. On top of that, I'm broke. I just don't know what to do.



DB101.....GAL

Be your own person. Dam dude, you are just finding you again. You are crawling out from under a pile of Miller cans, and you have to figure out who you are. Find free things to do in the area. Let me know if you are having trouble, and I will find you some things....

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#2226353 - 03/01/12 03:15 PM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: Mach1]
Grmpy_Mnky Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 524
Loc: MS
The apology ? I think that a tad bit later would do you more of a service than too soon will. Anything less than the perfect time, will REMAIN....just words from you.

This is a good chunk of advice. I wrote a heartfelt letter to my wife. That letter was a real big deal to me. To her, more of the same; she did not want to hear it yet.

DB101.....GAL

Be your own person. Dam dude, you are just finding you again. You are crawling out from under a pile of Miller cans, and you have to figure out who you are. Find free things to do in the area. Let me know if you are having trouble, and I will find you some things....


YES!!
_________________________
Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.

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#2226389 - 03/01/12 04:22 PM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
tenbusrider Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 156
Originally Posted By: Mach1

You are letting yourself assume what is wrong. Maybe nothing is wrong, and you feel there needs to be something wrong.

So.....STOP


I was screaming this to myself internally all day yesterday.

Originally Posted By: Mach1


I think that you have changed the dynamic in this. And I think that if you can do it for yourself first, and then your son, that you will automatically change the dynamic within the house. And that would include her.

The apology ? I think that a tad bit later would do you more of a service than too soon will. Anything less than the perfect time, will REMAIN....just words from you.

I think that you should continue to LIVE the apology with your actions. And in time....THAT is what will lead you to the words....


I have to agree that taking time will help more than rushing. I caught myself trying to find a way to bring it up a couple of nights ago, but with her declaring herself as being hormonal, it seemed like a big red flag (no pun intended).

I was reflecting on what I would like to say in an apology, and it finally came to me last night... many of the times that I've disappointed her the most were somehow related to my wanting to drink or having been already drunk. Like when she was recovering from surgery - I was there when she was brought back to the room, I asked the nurse if she'd be awake tonight, they said they didn't think so... so I went home and drank. That was what I'd wanted to do. I should have stayed in the room with her, it wasn't like it was uncomfortable. This is just one example, but it really just hit me how many times in our R something like this happened. It really did something to me, in terms of feeling truly sorry AND knowing what it is I'm sorry for.

Originally Posted By: Mach1

The good days are what brings on the bad days....for you BOTH

The good days, spark what is left inside of her, and they spark the good memories inside of her. They spark the vision that she had of the way she wanted things to be...

the bad days are the result of her feeling too close again, and the bad days allow her to distance herself from that....

YOU need to take what you can from the good days, and let go of expectations. You allow the good days, to fuel yourself through the bad days.

Enjoy the moments in life. It really is about the ride, not just the destination....


I put this into practice a little bit yesterday - times when I felt the day was going badly, I remembered the good stuff that had happened over the previous few days. It helped through the slow times when I wasn't doing chores or keeping up with S.

I've got to get back to GALing. I know this. It's been a convenient excuse to say I'm too busy with house stuff to GAL, but I feel like that's a contributing factor to my current mindset.

Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky

This is a good chunk of advice. I wrote a heartfelt letter to my wife. That letter was a real big deal to me. To her, more of the same; she did not want to hear it yet.


When the pastor mentioned the need for me to apologize and to do so from a place of sincerity, W lit up, saying she'd accept that, but wouldn't forget... So my goal became creating the right environment - good message from church, good food in a restaurant we both have memories in... get her a little relaxed, and hope that the opportunity presents itself. This, too, was somewhat hinted at by the pastor. We'll see, I guess.
_________________________
Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?

Top
#2226457 - 03/01/12 07:39 PM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: tenbusrider]
tenbusrider Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 156
Originally Posted By: Mach1

The apology ? I think that a tad bit later would do you more of a service than too soon will. Anything less than the perfect time, will REMAIN....just words from you.


It's kind of hard to know when the perfect time will be. Clearly, it shouldn't be while she's angry, but I'm also not sure that I should wait for her to bring anything up, or necessarily wait until she's completely happy... For me, and I could easily be mistaken in this, it seems like the opportunity needs to be created. She's already agreed to get dinner with me after church on Saturday... seems like an opportune time. Thoughts?
_________________________
Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?

Top
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