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Starting a new thread before the old one gets locked.

Previous thread here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2214369#Post2214369

Journal to follow.


Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?
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Originally Posted By: tenbusrider
When I bring it up, she gets indignant and talks about how I never spend time with him. Even when I validate, she either keeps on attacking me or just leaves me to keep an eye on him.


I wonder what would happen.... if you DIDN'T bring it up.....

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Quote:
This is definitely for me, but I still hope it has an impact on my sitch. I know that that isn't detaching. I'm really struggling with that, particularly now that we seem to be exiting limbo and making a move in one direction or another.


That first sentence is what you have to lose. As long as you are thinking about how it will affect your W or R, you are not making the changes you need and it's all a show. You need to look ahead and create a clear picture of who you want to be and start moving toward that regardless of W.

Detaching is a process and doesn't happen overnight so don't wake up every morning and think-well, I'm not detached today so that didn't work-and then try something else.

Fill all that empty time you aren't drinking with going to meetings, calling others in the program, doing service.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Journaling -

It's been a complete roller coaster since my last entry.

W stayed over at a friend's house Sat. night. I'd been invited to come along, but since I had to work the next day, I decided it would be better to go to church (they'd just begun a Saturday night service at a time I could make it to after work). It was a great service. Was exactly what I needed to hear. Went home to an empty house. Ate dinner and watched some TV, then went to bed.

Didn't talk to W again until I got home the next night and we had to go pick up S. Something seemed different. She was even more distant than before. We barely spoke on the drive to get S, though there was SOME talk. We stayed at MIL's for about an hour, talking about entertainment news (mostly Whitney Houston). We made eye contact several times at certain points in the conversation. On the drive back, there was a little more talk, but mostly silence. S slept for most of the ride.

On Monday, W avoided me for most of the day, staying in her room and leaving me to deal with S, which was fine, but it felt more like she was doing it to punish me rather than just taking a chance to rest.

VD was more of the same. She stayed in her room, only coming out to go buy S a VD gift and to go to her aunt's grave (she died on VD several years ago). She was planning on going out and drinking with her friends that night. As she was getting ready to leave, I told her that the one of the friends (another mutual one) she was going to hang out with was going to go watch the game with my mom instead. He'd told me that via text. W got furious. I asked her what was wrong as she stormed away. She came back down a few minutes later, declaring that I was playing games with her and sabotaged her night out. I told her I had nothing to do with the friend's decision. She didn't believe me (of course) and proceeded to tell me how she could trust me, etc. I suggested that she talk to the friend herself, which she did, and found out that I was legit, but that did nothing to quell her anger.

She went on to quote a text message I'd sent my friend weeks ago when I was frustrated about her return and other things that were going on, only a part of what I said had been misinterpreted. They (friend and his W) told her that I told him I was driving her to work. I told her that wasn't true. She asked me if I was calling him a liar, and I said I was. Wrong way to go with that one. She told me that I must have been hallucinating since I'd been taking my anti-depressants and drinking when this text was sent. I went back through my text history and found what she was talking about. I'd said "didn't want to drive" meaning "didn't want to drive from MIL's to work everyday", but they apparently thought I meant she did not want to drive so I was driving her.

I'd received a phone call earlier in the day and went outside for privacy. I was talking to the pastor, but when she asked about it, I told her it was someone from work. Bad to lie, but didn't want her to think I was trying to get the pastor on my side ahead of her visit. She threw that in my face, saying I was talking to another woman. I denied that, and she asked who it was. I told her it was the pastor, and showed her my call history. It was on my work phone, and she asked what all the other numbers were. Told her they were work numbers, she could call 'em if she wanted.

She continued with her mood, told me she trusted my friend more than me, was still going out and was going to be herself. I told her to go have fun. This was also the conversation where the whole "if you love me, you'll divorce me" tripe came out.

So she left, I was P!SSED, had just found out that not only didn't she trust me, but my best friend apparently couldn't be trusted to keep things not only confidential, but was telling her I was saying things I didn't say. With friends like these, who needs enemies? I had no one to talk to except S, didn't want to get my mom involved and add to her stress, and almost everyone else I knew was doing what W was doing and going out to have fun.

I'm not looking for a 2x4 here, but I got weak. I drank. I could have called someone from my AA groups, but they say (for the most part) to keep the talk to alcohol, and I needed someone to talk to about what was going on, but had no one. "Best friend" can't be trusted now, after all. Oh, and I was out of minutes on my normal phone, because W had used them all up talking to MIL on hers.

I really screwed up.

On Wednesday, her anger with me continued. For over an hour, she yelled at me about how manipulative I was. I sat there and validated. Nothing else to do. Then she started talking about my brother again, and told me that he'd tried to come out to me once, but I'd shut the door in his face. I didn't remember that, but it apparently one of his closest friends told this to W. I broke. I started sobbing almost uncontrollably. I'd wondered for years why he never tried to come out to any of his family, when we all knew that he was gay. I tried to excuse myself from her, but she followed me and kept on telling me what an emotionally unavailable person I was, but she began softening. Eventually she pulled me into a tight hug and "let" me cry, I guess. I began apologizing for being controlling, being negative and not being supportive, taking her for granted, etc.

She then left to go see the pastor. She was gone for almost 2 hours. When she came back, she seemed much more relaxed. We have a meeting with him as a couple on Sunday, where we'll be introduced to the counselor he wants us to see. He's taken a personal interest in us, and wants us to sign a release so he can discuss us with the counselor. We both agree this is a good idea. The pastor wants there to be church accountability, and is also aware that some christian counselors can be worse for marriages than secular ones, but that this particular counselor was the best he'd ever worked with in 30 years of service. W also told me that she really liked the pastor and felt like she could trust him. Seemed like the best news I could hear.

The pastor called me a little later, told me the situation was bad, but he thought he knew what we could do to turn things around. What he wants to do is something he's used before in sitches worse than my own, and not to worry about it for now. He told me not to drink anymore (agreed), not to pressure her (agreed), and to serve her as I could (agreed). He went on to tell me that this won't be fixed by focusing on the past, and that he'd want to get us through that part as soon as possible so we could focus on the present and future. I thanked him for his time and help, and got off the phone feeling better than I had in weeks.

I went and did the dishes, and for the first time, W thanked me for keeping the kitchen clean for her. I told her it was the least I could do.

I didn't go to AA Wed night (the night the group I like meets), but went and spent some time with my mom instead. She's been stressed out most of all with my dad's situation, and just needed some company. I didn't do any drinking with her. Her Christmas tree was still standing because no one's had the time or energy to get it down. I took care of that, and watched a basketball game with her. The mutual friend that bailed on W the previous night was there, too.

I skipped work yesterday because my mom asked me to due to a change in dad's condition, and a tracheotomy surgery he was going to go through.

When I got home, I started doing some cleaning that was way overdue. W got home, but didn't have S. I told her I'd go get him. She went and took a nap.

When she got up, she thanked me for letting her sleep, but then stayed away from me for a while. On one of our smoke breaks, she brought up the whole thing about the text message again, now telling me to be careful about talking to my friend about it. I told her I wasn't going to talk to him at all until this has changed. She kept getting more and more angry at me, and I told her I didn't want to talk anymore until we were with the pastor or a counselor. She agreed, and went back to avoiding me. A couple of hours later, she thanked me for the cleaning I'd done. I told her she was welcome, but didn't pursue anymore conversation. I carried S up to her room to sleep, told her goodnight, and went to bed.

Emotions ran high the last few days. I tried to control myself and failed in many ways, but I think I did the best I could, considering everything. Yeah, there's a LOT I could have done better, I see those things in hindsight. Like I told Mach in an earlier post, I haven't been on my game. Too many things have been changing too quickly, and the day-to-day conditions are extremely volatile right now. It's all I can do to just hold on.


Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?
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How do YOU see this working out? What are the problems that you own? What are you doing about them?

Just curious.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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I'm not sure how I see this working out. It's clear that in order for us to discuss anything that's happened in the past, we need a neutral third party around. She doesn't believe anything I say, and then she says things happened that I don't remember happening - like signing the separation agreement we had. She says she told me she didn't want to, but I just don't remember that, but I remember that I did I tell her to tell me what she wanted to change in it before we did anything. If she'd said she didn't want to sign it, I wouldn't have said anything more. She also says she did ask me before she moved back in, but this was at a point when we were only texting each other and not talking on the phone. I went back and checked through the history, and could find no question asked at any point, only that she was going to move back in.

I accept and own that I've been manipulative - both overtly and unconsciously. But what can I do about that? I've tried to be honest with her and transparent with her, but when she doesn't believe me, what can I do? For the sake of avoiding arguing and furthering that perception of me, I just don't talk to her unless it's about family things or something otherwise important. Other than that, I just try to keep the place clean.

I accept and own that I've been negative when I should have been supportive, but perception of negativity is subjective with her. If I'm not able to read her mind to know how she's going to react when I do or say something in response to her, anything I say can be turned on me in a second. Again, all I can do is validate, try to be positive and encouraging, but for the most part, just trying to avoid her when she's already in a funk. This is when it's the worst.

I know that most of the problems in our M are from a cycle of interaction. I know that if I change how I act and behave, the cycle HAS to change, but every attempt I make, despite my best efforts, are met with not only disbelief, but attempts on her part to drag me back into the cycle.

I told her last night, when her anger about that text came up again, that I didn't want to talk anymore without someone else around, that I wanted the cycle to end. She agreed, and that was the end of it. It's one of the few moments I've had in the last couple of weeks where I was able to actually change the flow of events.

I really feel that there's someone stirring the pot every time the drama dies down. I think I know who it is. But there's nothing I can do about that.


Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?
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Originally Posted By: Mach1

I wonder what would happen.... if you DIDN'T bring it up.....


Point taken, and I really try not to bring it up, but it's things like when I took S to the doctor last, W expected me to feed him when I got home, when I'd already accepted her request to take him to the doc for her, or not wanting to change a diaper as soon as I get home from a 12 hour day. It's at these points that she starts accusing me of being a bad father, when at these points, she's either been off all day, or has been off for the last few hours. I'm not opposed to feeding him or changing his diaper, but in both cases, I feel I'm entitled to having a moment to settle into the house JUST A BIT before I start chasing the little guy around.

But I know that in this situation, putting up any resistance will draw this kind of reaction. The incidents have actually been quite infrequent.


Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
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Originally Posted By: tenbusrider

Point taken, and I really try not to bring it up, but it's things like when I took S to the doctor last, W expected me to feed him when I got home, when I'd already accepted her request to take him to the doc for her, or not wanting to change a diaper as soon as I get home from a 12 hour day. It's at these points that she starts accusing me of being a bad father, when at these points, she's either been off all day, or has been off for the last few hours. I'm not opposed to feeding him or changing his diaper, but in both cases, I feel I'm entitled to having a moment to settle into the house JUST A BIT before I start chasing the little guy around.



While you are work for 12 hours....

Take a look at that....

When you walk in the door, after your 12 hours...

Who has been changing diapers, and chasing him around for that time ????


Where is her entitled break ?

I'm not saying it is right or wrong....

You said you wanted to stop being a victim.

Here is your turn

Could you do better ?? (circle one)

YES

NO

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YES

D@mmit, I keep forgetting to think about that (that she's had him the whole time). Like I said, though... I try not to put up any resistance about it. I slip up occasionally.


Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
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Me thinks, you need a filter between your thoughts and your actions......

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