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#2236335 - 04/08/12 10:59 AM Re: Never thought I'd be here.........part 13 [Re: labug]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7788
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I was agreeing with YC and busto.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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#2236336 - 04/08/12 11:13 AM Re: Never thought I'd be here.........part 13 [Re: bustorama]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1128
Thanks, Busto. I did my best to try to convey that to her last night but I just did a poor job.

"I'm sorry I hurt you like that, W. You did not deserve that. I can now see how hurt you were and still are by it. Is there anything you want me to do now to help you heal?"

I sincerely wish I would have said that last night. I am glad you all explained what she was trying to accomplish. I understand better now. I am still rather error-prone in this process. I just hope I didn't blow it even further.

Oddly enough - I am sure I will see her at church in an hour. *SIGH* Let the healing begin.

Crimson
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2236357 - 04/08/12 04:02 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here.........part 13 [Re: Crimson]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1128
What a weird weekend. Just so many "things" on so many levels over the last 48 hours.

So myself, w and SIL all planned on being at church today for Easter service. Strangely enough, w texts and asks if she can come to the house because the place that we were going to for brunch afterwards was kind of close by me. I said sure. She dropped in and we shared the ride to church. When she got in the house she said "I'm sorry about last night - I reamed you the whole way home. My emotions are still raw". I told her she had nothing to apologize for and that it is best that she gets those things out - that it is part of the healing process. Through the course of the morning/afternoon she probably apologized 1-2 more times.

The drive to church together was nice, as was the service. We went to a really nice place for brunch (compliments of her mother) and really enjoyed our time. We drove back to the house together and she went upstairs to put our S down for his nap. I could hear her reading to him from downstairs.

She came back down and said that sometimes it;s just hard for her to be in the house, and I could see her eyes welling up. She gave me a hug and thanked me "for all of the fun this weekend". I walked her to her car and told her I had a nice time and the she looked great last night and today. Nothing too "pursuey". I saw the tears start and she drove off.

Odd weekend. But it seemed...well....necessary. Necessary and overall positive. When I told her not to apologize for last night (after the 3rd time) she said "I feel horrible....who wants to be talked to like that?".

Oh well.....happy Easter, folks.

Crimson
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2236432 - 04/08/12 11:40 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here.........part 13 [Re: Crimson]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Just a nit pick Crimson...

She apologized...

You said she had nothing to apologize for...

I get your intentions were good...

but then she apologized a couple more times...

Why?

Because maybe... she didn't feel that you accepted her apology...

Rather than saying, thank you for apologizing... you said she didn't have to, even though you followed it by saying that it was good for her to get it out...

Validate... you don't have to agree... just validate...

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#2236452 - 04/09/12 01:13 AM Re: Never thought I'd be here.........part 13 [Re: Crimson]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 9920
Loc: west coast
Crimson,

Just saw this now. And I don't have time to read the rest of this thread and there re several pages. In fact you probably started a new one.

In case you have not, let me say ONE thing.

SO WHAT?

She out and out told you that she's not ready to UN-do the proceedings BUT IF YOU ARE SINCERE ABOUT THE CHANGES AND IMPROVEMENTS


SHE'D BE OPEN...well, are you? Was this all to get her back

or to get YOU back?

Why not continue on as if things are fine, with or without a divorce paper

BUT ALSO add some mystery. You are entitled to "date" or at least let her wonder if

WHILE ALSO being the great man you were meant to be.

I'm wondering why it's all or nothing with you.

If she won't guarantee piecing, you won't keep working on the R with the mother of your child?

Don't get me wrong buddy. I KNOW this hurts and I feel for you. I DO...

I'm just wondering if there isn't something more in you that you didn't know you have.

I think there is.

((((( )))))
Originally Posted By: Crimson
E-Mail from wife today

"As Much as I have loved all the compliments, flowers, kind words, and hearing about your transformation, my heart still is closed off. I wish I could force it open to you, but I am not able to. I am proceeding forward [b]but I always stay open that if feelings could come back or maybe someday we could be on the same page. I'm guessing once divorced, you will not want to work on relationship anymore, and I understand that too."[/b]

THIS^^^^IS A TEST...it's up to you if you want to meet it but otherwise, imo, she's saying she won't feel safe or secure enough to let herself go with you.


Well, I guess I don't have to keep speculating anymore, huh? We have a hearing on 5/3 and it's a wrap 5/8. My heart it broken, but I am still not ready to give up. I just don't know what to do right now. She seems to want me to keep working on R still - and I will, just will be hard.

Hard, but not impossible. Hate repeating myself here but remember I do have 2 family members who divorced, only to remarry years later. At least you'd have a headstart.


It felt like we were making good progress.
Just don't know where to go from here. I am not wailing out loud at all, but I can't stop the tears from falling right now.

Crimson


I'm sad for you...I really am. You have done so much work. I wish I knew how many "laps" were left on this run but I can't tell you that.

BUT FOR SURE

You WERE making progress. She didn't want to be around you or let you get her anything

now she's inviting you to things, and her mom hugs you. Um, that IS progress.

You know what you can do to maybe make this work but no, there are no guarantees.

But Crimson, there never were any. At least now your eyes are wide open.

Hope this makes sense.
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2236453 - 04/09/12 01:40 AM Re: Never thought I'd be here.........part 13 [Re: Crimson]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 9920
Loc: west coast
Happy Easter to you too Crimson...


I'm assuming you are Christians b/c of the celebratory nature of your activities this weekend.

Remember what this holiday/ Holy Day/Sunday is all about in our faith?


Not just the suffering of the crucifixion but (for me anyhow), the main point was the

Resurrection.


Anything grab you about that?
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2236470 - 04/09/12 07:38 AM Re: Never thought I'd be here.........part 13 [Re: 25yearsmlc]
InAPickle Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/10
Posts: 678
Loc: Jacksonville, FL
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Happy Easter to you too Crimson...


I'm assuming you are Christians b/c of the celebratory nature of your activities this weekend.

Remember what this holiday/ Holy Day/Sunday is all about in our faith?


Not just the suffering of the crucifixion but (for me anyhow), the main point was the

Resurrection.


Anything grab you about that?


Without crucifiction there is no resurrection.

Likewise, sometimes you have to go through seperation and/or divorce to resurrect the relationship. Let the old one die and begin anew.

To correlate DB principles, if someting's not working let it go - that could end up being the whole old marriage.

But only God knows.
Play the hand you're dealt.

I've been through what you're going through Crimson.
Praying for ya.
Pic
_________________________
Me 53 XW 50
M 18 Years +2
S14 D19
Bomb 10-24-10
Served 1-27-11
Mediate 4-21-11
Civil D Final 6-2-11
No church anullment
"A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."

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#2236486 - 04/09/12 09:25 AM Re: Never thought I'd be here.........part 13 [Re: ~ kd ~]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
Just a nit pick Crimson...

She apologized...

You said she had nothing to apologize for...

I get your intentions were good...

but then she apologized a couple more times...

Why?

Because maybe... she didn't feel that you accepted her apology...

Rather than saying, thank you for apologizing... you said she didn't have to, even though you followed it by saying that it was good for her to get it out...

Validate... you don't have to agree... just validate...


I had this same thought. I can't remember if it was someone here or my W who said that when someone apologizes and you say, "No need to apologize", it kinda minimize their way of thinking .

But at least KD didn't give the "I told you so" like someone.
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

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#2236548 - 04/09/12 01:50 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here.........part 13 [Re: Harrier]
Crazyville Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/12
Posts: 1046
Quote:
You might as well shoot yourself in the foot, Crimson! She tells you a list of things that really hurt her. That were DEAL BREAKERS her for her (and that still hurt her when she thinks about them). And you tell her you don't even remember it? (and she hears it was that insignificant to you to hurt her like that that you don't remember).

This? /\ /\

VERY well said!

I have this with my H all the time. And he is always defensive. It will be a deal-breaker for us, too. If someone defends their actions, there is no reason to believe they will change their actions in the future. Not even being able to remember them is just icing on the cake. Part of it is heart, the other part is mouth. The mouth can be trained.

Sorry, C, for a few bad moments this weekend. Otherwise I think it was good. I still see so many open doors. I may have been wrong on the D not going through, but I still have little doubt to the R of the M. Those negative signs just aren't there.
_________________________
Me:49 WAW H:59
T:19.5 M:19
S:13

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#2236555 - 04/09/12 02:39 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here.........part 13 [Re: Crazyville]
InAPickle Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/10
Posts: 678
Loc: Jacksonville, FL
Ditto Crazyville.

I too did not recognize that my XW had some real greviences, which were (obviously) significant to her. By the time she was done it was too late.

When your WAS reaches a point where they've had enough, you have to understand, it's going to be a long road back.

She could forgive hurt and pain when she feels free of pressure and you can make it easy for her, by your attitude and changes. Forgiving is not as hard for the liberated.

The hard part is the forgetting. It takes a lot more time and patience and work to allow someone the growth to actually let go of the past. I too have greviences. Forgetting is hard for both partys; be prepared.

Understand then, that one spouse's choices may not make any sense to the other, but it makes perfectly good sense to them. Accept that and go forward from there.

Pic.
_________________________
Me 53 XW 50
M 18 Years +2
S14 D19
Bomb 10-24-10
Served 1-27-11
Mediate 4-21-11
Civil D Final 6-2-11
No church anullment
"A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."

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