Hoping 4

[Autumn Leaves]

Adinva - I think you are actually a very open and brave person. You constantly show a willingness to listen and to change and improve.
You are an inspiration for me. :-)

And to me :-)

[adinva]

You two are both amazing. I learn so much in this forum. Thanks Autumn.

[adinva]

Just journaling today. Want to get my weekend on record and deal with some negative thoughts that are keeping me down.

This weekend H was not around much. I watched the third movie in the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series Friday night while H was out to see his friend. (Same friend I always talk about. H basically has only one local friend he hangs out with, a friend since high school, the one with the 27yo girlfriend.) H returned home before the end of it but I was drifting in and out of sleep at that point.

Saturday I took a long morning walk and then took S11 to climbing team practice till noon. H had been talking about wanting to go to Glory Days so I texted him would it be lunch or supper but got no response. Since S11 was hungry I called H to get an answer and he said it would be for supper, so I took S11 to get a sub.

S11 and S14 had been asking for months to go to the animal shelter to see about getting a second dog, so I wanted to be available to do that with them this weekend. I had told them we needed to discuss it with H and we did a couple of different times. He said it was all right, and no puppies. He and S14 would like to run with a dog, and ours is getting too old to go more than about half their run. We talked about dog qualities to look for, housebroken, smart, no puppy, etc. H seems to be on board.

I thought about asking him about how he's see the new dog fitting in with our divorce, but I decided not to (pursue, temperature check) because it really doesn't matter to me. I'd love to keep a second dog, and I'd be ok if H really wanted to take second dog, and I'd be open to most other reasonable options, so no purpose in bringing it up.

Saturday the boys weren't into it - S14 wanted to go sock shopping with dad, S11 had a headache. So I took the dog on a huge long walk all around the neighborhood trails for some exercise, GAL, and to enjoy a beautiful day. Happy pup, happy mom.

Also got in an hour on the stepper at the gym - I'm struggling to get back to the shape I was in last summer. Yeah 500 calories burned!

Saturday evening I took S11 to a birthday party. Our friends from Pittsburgh arrived at 7, driving a car up from Florida and meeting us for dinner. We all and S14 went to Glory Days. I got the middle seat in the back of the car squished next to H. Amazingly, he didn't spontaneously combust. He seemed relaxed.

We had a very nice time out - H talked cars and property taxes with the husband of the couple and I talked Yellowstone and wine with the wife. They are an extremely happy affectionate couple about 10 years older than us, both on their second marriage - I think they re-met at their high school reunion. Both went to high school with H's older brother.

I think they must know about our sitch, because they always send cards for our anniversary and this year they did not. But they haven't said anything.

The wife's dad recently passed away, and so when we were apart from the others I told her I wanted to say in person how sorry I was for her loss, and gave her a hug. It was an intentional 180 for me, usually I'm uncomfortable with death and emotion and afraid to say the wrong thing, better to avoid the topic... I don't want to be like that anymore.

When we got home, H announced he was going to see friend and left. I had season 1 of Arrested Development so I watched about 4 or 5 episodes and started falling asleep. I don't think I was awake when H got home.

Sunday, I asked H what his plans were for the day. S14's lacrosse tournament had originally been blocked off for 1-7pm but the final schedule had him on from 3:15. He wanted to go early to see some of the other games, and I wanted to take them to the animal shelter. S14 said he'd skip it today and S11 really really wanted to go, so I set up a ride to lacrosse for S14. H had said in the morning "I've got a job for S14, putting a bike together for Kathy. If he doesn't want the job I'll do it." Who's Kathy? Apparently I've met her? She's from his work, and she was at some fundraiser H's friend coordinated. I thought I remembered who she was. Someone H was trying to help get back into the social scene following her divorce, so he recommended her to go to this fundraiser martini event thing. I'm not sure I remember her exactly but I think I do. Anyway, whatever. She's had this bike unassembled for a year, and H told her he'd come over and do it for her.

I reminded H of the lacrosse. H said it would take about an hour to do the bike, minimimum, so we agreed S14 couldn't do it. H took off to do it. (I'm thinking this is another helpless kitten rescue for H. Can a grown woman put together her own bike or take it to a pro? I'm a bit resentful that he takes away from a family weekend to do a chore for a damsel in distress. By the way, it has been suggested to me on this forum that I should try being needy like that so he can feel manly helping me...but in all of our marriage I have noticed that he likes to help helpless others but he is not attracted to neediness in me - he is annoyed that I need help with car maintenance, if I have a technical issue he has been impatient or condescending about it. I'm strong and independent generally, and he doesn't respond well if I appear needy. (Or didn't anyway...I don't generally find myself in such situations with him anymore.)

So H seems to have forgotten about the lacrosse tournament. I called him when it was time to go, because I had run a little close with S11 at the animal shelter and thought maybe he left without me to be on time. No answer on the cell phone. So I went on ahead and got to the lax. About halfway through the first game H calls - "did you call me?" and I said yeah was checking to see if we were going together to lax still, but since I didn't reach you I went ahead to the field. H said "I was going to go to Friend's but maybe I'll stop by for some of the tournament."

A while later H turns up, sits a row below me on the bleachers, and we talk a little bit. The sun's in his eyes so he decides to go stand in the shade.

S14's team plays on the opposite field next game, so we switch around on the bleachers and H rejoins me and the other moms and chit chats with us all a little during the game. After the game I go say hi to S14 and suggest to H to take him since neither of them had dinner yet and I had a bratwurst at the field. On the way to the parking H goes hey that sure looks like Sonja. And I say "yeah, it is. Her son's on S14's team this season." And H is off. Sonja's really pretty - we met her when S14 and her son had soccer together at age 5 or 6, and again when they were on swim team together at age 7 or 8. She's kind of stand-offish - I've never really been able to connect with her. But men love her - she's got that attitude like she's too good to talk to you. And she's got an amazing body for a 30-something mom of 4 (one of the only ones who wears a bikini at the pool). Yesterday she had on skinny lo-rise white capris and a low scoop neck tight t-shirt.

So, as I've noticed is a trend, H does pay a lot more attention to the attractive women around, and he does like big boobs on a skinny woman. I guess what I'd tell someone else who's fixating on something like this and starting to feel inadequate is: get back in your own sandbox and take good care of yourself.

Back to the shelter. S11 and I got there, talked a while with the volunteers to get a feel for what was available and it came up that we had fostered "M" before and knew his owners had returned him last year due to divorce. Well, turns out "M" is still there so we take him out for a walk. He's a sweetheart. Almost exactly the same dog as ours and we had them both together when we fostered him so we know they liked each other and played well. M is not the dog H and S14 were talking about because he's not a whole lot younger than our dog, though he looks a lot younger now that ours is going gray. He can probably run faster right now, but he's 7. He's a shedaholic and furrier than our dog. Bottom line is we feel sorry for him, and we love our dog and this is almost a carbon copy. One exception: skittish around men, and fearful if you act angry at him or come at him quickly.

I texted H a photo and txted "M is still here! what do you think?" No answer then but later on the phone h said "isn't that the one who tore up our yard?" I don't know what to say to this so I don't argue or really say anything other than I don't know. I don't recall this dog, out of the many we fostered or had over for playdates or our own for that matter, tearing up the yard more than any of them. The yard's pretty torn up though.

This morning H said "I talked to S14 about M and he reminded me that M peed all over the house." Again, I don't remember this. I'm thinking we won't know if dog x or y that we choose instead will or won't tear up the yard or pee in the house, but I don't say, I just listen.

I think we need either to choose a different dog since H seems already on the negative about him, or have a family meeting where we figure out whether we should help M out or keep looking. I'd have taken M home yesterday if I could have, and I said last year when the bomb hit that when H moved out I'd strongly consider moving M in. But I see the potential for this to be more H's decision with and for the kids, if I back off more.

So, just feeling a little lousy, stressed from not getting enough work done, and unsuccessful in my weight loss efforts (tight clothing). Need to do something for me today.

Oh, this morning I took S11 in for his appointment to ask about asthma. He's going to get an inhaler to try but he also got a 2-week goal to not gain any weight and if so he gets a new videogame. I think the PA nailed it. Her goal is to see if he can go one year without gaining so his growth spurt can help him catch up to his weight.

[Accuray]

Ugh, sorry you're feeling badly. IMO, doing chores for a single woman your W doesn't know well is over the line.

WRT S11's weight, losing weight can be tough if you're not educated about nutrition, did the PA set up an appointment with a nutritionist or anything?

I think the on-line weightwatchers program is pretty good -- they assign points to foods based on their carbs, fiber, protein and fat mix. When you start to figure out the correlation between points and types of foods, you get educated about what you can eat lots of and what you should avoid like the plague. For instance, I always thought granola bars were healthy, but they're actually very fattening. Trying to lose weight on your own, either through willpower or exercise is really non-sustainable. WW has a good program of taking you down 2 lbs per week which avoids putting you in serious discomfort.

I know there are some free equivalent sites and iPhone apps out there too, but tracking what you eat and figuring out the "penalty" associated with different types of foods is key.

Good luck to S11, and I hope you get to feeling better. I understand your pain, I really do. I don't think I could hang in there for as long as you have.

Accuray

[adinva]

Hi Accuray! I've been on ww for about 3-4 years so I've talked a lot with my kids about smart food choices, and I cook WW recipes a lot, or we eat whole foods like plain roast chicken and plain mashed potatoes and plain green beans, skim milk, etc. I try to keep our kitchen stocked with good food choices like fruit, carrot sticks, yogurt, nuts, applesauce. This boy's hungry a lot, also eats emotionally, also snacks on 2-3-4 servings of applesauce or jello before I notice and cut him off. He'll even take something he knows he shouldn't and look at me sheepishly. I'm trying hard not to be food police to him but to help him reach his own goals.

Our PA actually is also a nutrition specialist so we lucked out getting her today. She zeroed in on school lunch and orange juice as a couple of things that are sabotaging him.

WW is tremendous - they should teach those skills to everyone.

[adinva]

IMO, doing chores for a single woman your W doesn't know well is over the line.

Seems like it, which is why I feel resentful about it.

If you're separated is it still over the line?

I have no leverage to keep his attention here, so I'm giving him what he wants. The space to be who he needs to be.

Can I be mean a minute? I noticed as he was leaving to go to her place that he has his dog tags on the outside. Usually he wears them on the inside so it appeared intentional for this lady's benefit. He looked nice & fit too.

The dog tags he bought years ago on a running website - he was all excited about them and bought them also for me and the kids. The kids, being small, lost theirs or have them in a drawer somewhere. Mine I keep in my travel kit and wear if I go for a solo hike on a business trip. RoadID. He explained them as a safety issue since he goes on very long runs and bike rides, or did back then.

H wears them all the time, night and day, working and weekends. He wore them when ML until I finally had to ask him to please take them off then as they, well, hit me in the face. He is not in the army. I have never ever disrespected him about them or anything at all about his interest in seeming quasi military or police (ditto about the car he drives, and there was a time he was keeping his red and blue flashing bicycle light in the car).

Deep down I really think it's ridiculous. I think he wants to be a hero, but the play-acting was just silly to me. It was hard to feel respectful through it but I tried to understand and NEVER breathed a word of an opinion other than strictly practical matters. (I did ask him to please stop when he tried using the lights on a date, because while I was in the car I wasn't comfortable being caught impersonating an officer. I think he was behind someone who didn't use their turn signal or cut us off or something and he wanted to "freak them out")

It bothers me that I do feel resentful and condescending about this in H. H probably has a real mid-life need to be some kind of a god and as much as I look up to him and value him, it isn't enough because I know him well enough to know he isn't a god. Maybe that's why I just can't cut it for him anymore.

Some of this stuff, and the job, and the secrecy, I think is a middle aged man's desire to be something really special. Could be our D is part of that. But in most ways he doesn't act like a MLC. He's very rational, consistent, un-confused, purposeful.

It didn't feel good getting that off my chest, because I think it's mean to ridicule him. But maybe having thrown it out there someone will have ideas to help me.

[Dory]

H probably has a real mid-life need to be some kind of a god and as much as I look up to him and value him, it isn't enough because I know him well enough to know he isn't a god. Maybe that's why I just can't cut it for him anymore.

Wow adinva,

This right here gives me much to think about in my own sitch. Thank you for the food for thought.

Some of this stuff, and the job, and the secrecy, I think is a middle aged man's desire to be something really special. Could be our D is part of that. But in most ways he doesn't act like a MLC. He's very rational, consistent, un-confused, purposeful.

It didn't feel good getting that off my chest, because I think it's mean to ridicule him. But maybe having thrown it out there someone will have ideas to help me.

What your describing in your H sounds like behaviours meant to feed his ego, that he's trying to fulfil some fantasy of being controller of all. It's likely driven by insecurity about himself. Has you H always been like this? Or are the control issues something that he's developed more recently?

[adinva]

Hi Dory (just keep swimming?) - I feel like this has been growing in H for a while, maybe over a 10 year period since we had a mortgage and kids, and getting much more pronounced in the last few years.

When I first met him he spoke sometimes of joining the volunteer fire department, which I thought was admirable. That's the same kind of hero-type thinking.

[Accuray]

Weird, being with someone in their 40's who was pretending to be a military person or a police officer would freak me out. That's a little scary. Where do you think that need comes from? Also odd that it's been developing over 10 years versus having been there all along.

Is he obsessive about his appearance?

Is he an exercise fanatic?

Is there anything that he really excels at that he takes great pride in?

Is he super competitive?

Does he obsess over anything else?

Do people consider him likeable, or is he hard to warm up to for new acquaintances?

Accuray

[adinva]

The answer to all of your questions is yes, obsessive about appearance, exercise fanatic, excels at basically everything but mainly sports/coaching/triathlons, is the most competitive person I've ever met bar none, obsesses over property taxes and probably other things. He's a likeable fun guy in the work situations I've seen him in, used to have a bunch of guys he'd have lunch with. He's so funny and smart people are usually attracted to him. But when he offends people he either doesn't like or who are more sensitive than he is, he really doesn't care, sometimes will even go out of his way to offend them even more. I'd say most people who know him like him, and few people know him well.

And yeah, I found his personality change alarming but it happened over years and we adapted. I'm not the same person I was at 22 either. He went from opposed to guns to a concealed carry NRA member shooting team gun collector. That plus the other stuff and the secret job meant that when he first dropped the bomb I was scared. I thought I have no idea who he is anymore, how do I know what he won't resort to if he's under this much stress and misery. But as things have been very even and calm, he's shown no unpredictability or really unhinged behavior.

He does joke a lot and sometimes things he thinks are funny other people don't - I chalked the police light thing up to that. The other stuff like dog tags is not so scary.

What were you thinking when you asked those questions?