Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
Its okay to care about yourself and to care about your situation. Its not being selfish, its loving and listening to yourself.

You are doing a tremendous job of soul searching and finding yourself. Your changes are evidence in your post. Be proud of that.

It is truly amazing that you have any sympathy for your H


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
(((BF)))

Sorry for the hurting. Don't worry about comparing your time in this sitch to others. I would guess regardless of how long any of us have dealt with our issues, its hurt almost all the way through in some way.

You're going through a crisis like the rest of us. That doesn't minimize your hurt at all. I understand the idea of not wanting to share. Withdraw is part of my own defense mechanism and I've even noticed I do it on the boards and limit my contributions when I've just had too much to deal with.

even in the midst of my pain, it kills me to watch H struggling and hurting my mind says.. he chose this.. this is the consequence.. and my heart says.. i don't want you to hurt anymore.

This is just a hard place to be. I go through this same conflict almost daily. For me, the hard part is knowing that my attempts to comfort or support are rejected and therefore, I am rejected. That's painful.

You can work through this pain. You've done it before and you can keep doing it. It suxx, but you know you have the strength. ((BF))


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 951
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 951
Sorry your hurting (((BF)))

I know you know that only you (lot of you's but makes sense right?)can decide when enough is enough. I've found myself on serveral occasions feeling exactly how you are right now but have chose to continue on the DB path for myself, my kids, and also my w.

Is this truly the point where you feel like you are done? If so their will be no judgements from me and I will support you to the fullest. I assume that is the cast for most if not all of us on here. We know what a great person you are and if you feel like your curent sitch can no longer work for you then you make that decision.

But what does that look like for you? What can be your next steps and what are some immediate short term goals?

Lately I have been feeling very saddened thinking of my w and the pain she is going through. Yes this was her choice but something inside of her heart and soul told her that this is what she needed to do at this time to try to find her happiness. It doesn't seem to be working out too well for her right now but its her path and hopefully it will lead her to find her happiness, w/ or w/o me.

It totally sux for us but I am extremely greatful that this has allowed me to find myself and learn a lot about who I am just as you stated above. Even if we D this lessen has been priceless.

Keep your head up B!


Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 951
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 951
Where's the spell check on here? lol


Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 803
B
BFloat Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 803
it's been a few days since i last posted and thought it was time for an update. it's amazing how things can change in a week.

the week after RV was really hard. after processing all that had happened.. and then by wednesday.. i was listening to the song gravity by sara bareilles which seems to describe how i felt so perfectly.. and i felt.. done. so done. i didn't want to continue putting effort in RV when H wasn't putting anything in.. and so i withdrew. later in the week, H wondered if i would like to stay at home while he was there with the kids for the weekend. i responded by saying i was ok if he wanted to catch up on RV dialogue or talk but if he just wanted to reiterate how determined he was to still leave.. i would rather not. anyway.. i did end up staying. but i kept myself busy! we had dinner together with the kids for the first time in months. we even went out saturday afternoon w/ the kids.

i had a nice weekend. and then we went to our 1st post session. i felt oddly detached. and when we were there.. we discussed how love is a choice. do not wait for your partner to initiate dialogue and then feel resentful when they do not.. love is choosing to show it when it feels difficult..

yesterday H txted me in the evening saying he was hungover. and i really wasn't angry. i did think.. what?? weird because the 12 years i've known him.. he has never been a big drinker. he wasn't even much of a social drinker. but i wasn't angry. and then i chose not to dialogue because i didn't want to do it when it was being forced. i invited H over for dinner for tonight and said we could catch up on dialogue then.

i half expected him to not show up but he did! and we had a nice dinner. he helped put the kids to bed. and then we sat down and had a cup of tea and did our RV work. we both made a point of staying on topic. and guess what?? score one for me!!! H said aside from being a great mom, he really appreciated the fact that i didn't judge him when he said he was hungover.

our next thing to discuss.. H picked. i assumed he would pick something safe but he picked "in what specific ways am i hopeful for our relationship". we'll see how that goes.

it's a weird space i'm in. i care very much about H. and i'm saddened to see his struggles. but i feel like he can only help himself. i don't know. is this what detachment feels like? D is sad to me. but i don't fear it anymore. i want to stand there and say.. pitch it at me.. and all i'm going to do is take a big swing and hit it out of the park. i don't intend on being taken out of he game.

and what do i have to look forward to? cut and colour my hair next week.. overnight in birch bay w/ my sister and her kids.. trip to vegas (friends better show up!!).. a culinary food fair that my gf has media passes for.. trip to toronto to visit my bff.. camping w/ my little ones.. hmmmmmm... to make things interesting.. i fully intend on being passionately kissed by the end of the summer. will this be possible?? certainly will be fun to see! lol.

i'm good. i'm fine. more than fine.


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 285
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 285
you are fine!

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,219
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,219
hi barely, i glad you're feeling strong and detached.
small 2x4's, from my point of view:

when you say, "i deserve", that may feel like a blaming statement to the person receiving it. it would to me because it would make me feel as if i were the one not giving that person what they deserve. it may be true but the idea presented that way seems inflammatory.

when he hears, "if you just want to do this, then i don't want to do it", that sounds like an ultimatum, which is defined as "umcompromising". could create a tension in the person who hears it.

just my thoughts.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
barely you sound good. Thanks for posting your thoughts and feelings post-RV. I'm thinking of going with my H similarly determined to d, so I'm grateful for the insight into your sitch. Love your goals!


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 951
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 951
Love your attitude BF!!!!

Funny how they notice some of those little things like you not saying anything about him being hungover. Ummm, what about the patience, space I've given you, and the sacrifices I've made since you left, hellllo?

Detachment has a lot of dynamics and I feel like you are in that next phase of detachment which is great.

Your upcoming GAL events sound amazing. Hope u don't find yourself walking the vegas strip by yourself but I'm quite confident you would still have a great time because of who you are.


Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
You are a busy girl!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard