I went to my reunion on Sat night and had a great time meeting up with old friends.
H came over to watch S13 while I was out.
I wore a new sexy sheath dress that showed off my new LBS figure. H said "You look great" as I was on the way out.
I asked him whether he needed me to be home by any particular time and he said "Just text me when you're coming home".
So... at midnight I get a call on my phone. It's him sounding p'ed and saying "I have to get to work, when are you coming home?"
I said "It'll take me at least 30 mins to get home if I leave right now."
He said " I'll have to go now and leave S13 here on his own."
I left the party and was surprised when I drove home to see his car still in the driveway at 12.45pm. He came out and said that he couldn't find the house key to lock the door and so couldn't leave S13 asleep alone in the house.
He was still p'ed, but said "Hope you had a good time?" I answered with a vague confirmation.
Before I left I 'd asked him to take a look at the kids homework with them. But he said that he would come over the next day (Sunday) to help the kids with their homework (both kids have been struggling with maths since he left). He also told the kids this and so they left their homework till later.
He didn't show at all on Sunday.
D16 eventually rang him at 9pm after struggling with physics and maths assignments, but he wasn't much help over the phone. She begged him to come over and look at her papers, but he said he'd been working shifts back-to-back all day and could not.
I may no longer have expectations, but the kids still do. Sometimes it's hard to try to live our lives as if he's no longer a part of it.
D16 is acting out with oppositional behaviours and poor school performance.
Tonight she expressed disdain about having to attend her brother's football season launch tomorrow afternoon/evening (i.e. watching a game, having a sausage sizzle).
H, who was at home with us at the time, said "why can't she stay at home?"
I took him to another room and filled him in on some of the problem behaviours she's been exhibiting lately that have led to me not wanting to leave her alone at home. The main one being that if I say she is not allowed to go somewhere, she sometimes just says "You can't stop me" and walks out of the house.
H accused me of being too soft on her, and when I asked what he thought I should do, he replied that I should simply lock the doors after she leaves.
When I pointed out that I couldn't lock a 16-year-old out of the house overnight, he just said that she needed a dose of reality and should be made to suffer the consequences of her decisions.
He got very angry and talked a lot about her behaviour with boys, and stated that she should come and live with him, as I was clearly not coping well with her rudeness and poor school performance.
Now, my H rents a room from a single male friend who is in his 40s. This guy lists the single entry: 'women' under the category, 'Interests' on his Facebook page.
My D16 should occupy another rented room in this house that functions as a flop house for itinerant men from the mining industry????
Give me strength.
Surely this is not appropriate? And under the supervision of a father who thinks locking her out of the house at night is a good lesson in life skills.
Any opinions about what I can do? To me, he seems to have gone completely nuts.
I agree that your husband's living arrangement is inappropriate for a 16 year old girl. If I were you, I'd stop going to him for advice on how to handle the kids when they act out. You don't trust his judgment to make sound decisions right now, so why would you value his advice? If you aren't going to value his advice, why ask for it? Instead, I'd reach out to a counselor, a trusted clergy member or teacher/school administrator for advice. Also, if your husband is not dependable to help the kids out with homework, seek help from a tutor or teacher friend.
While it would be ideal that he be there to help you raise the kids in a loving, healthy, reasonable and responsible way, the reality is that he isn't right now. So once again, take him out of the equation and find a way to deal with these problems without his assistance. I KNOW you can do this! Reach out to your trusted friends for help when you need it. I have no doubt that you have many people who care dearly for you and your family and would love to help you in anyway they can.
I'm sorry the kids are struggling as a result of your husband's poor decisions. Just continue to be there for them best you can. While they may take out their anger and hurt on you now, I am confident that they will forever appreciate you being the rock they could depend on during this difficult time.
I sort of came to this conclusion overnight but it really helps to hear it from someone else.
I'm still trying to treat my H as if he is a normal, rational husband and father - the man I used to know.
He isn't, and as much as it hurts to take him out of the equation - even in regards to the children - that's what I have to do if I want my life to get better.
To be honest, I think that I have been trying to show him that there are severe consequences to his decision to move out on us.
His kids, particularly his D16, were one of the focus points of his life before this, and I guess I wanted him to see what terrible impact he was having.
I was also still trying to reach out to him as my spouse - in dealing with the sadness and confusion that's hit me in respect of D16's behaviour changes.
And I'm also just plain sick of him saying that the kids are fine and everything is better for everybody concerned now that he has moved out.
This is point-scoring, not compassion, and it's come back to bite me.
Had an 'interesting' interaction with H this morning.
In relation to D16's acting out, he announced that he'd found a used condom next to the rubbish bins in our driveway a few months ago.
He said it was either mine or hers, and demanded to know if it was mine.
Now, this sounds completely weird to me. And I know it's nothing to do with me, and I'd be VERY surprised if it had anything to do with my D (we do talk about this sort of stuff).
I said 'Hang on, when did you find it?'
- because it occurred to me that what he had actually seen was a small white decomposable 'poo bag' that we've used since we got the dog.
These look like thin condom-type material when they get wet, and so it pretty much fits the bill.
Anyway, H got incensed when I said this and immediately walked out and got in his car, smirking and shaking his head to himself all the while.
A little later, on a call to arrange pick-ups for the kids, he said he wanted to speak to D16 about this condom.
I said, before he did that, could there be any possibility that what he'd seen in the driveway might have been one of these bags, or a fragment thereof.
He went ballistic, saying that I am trying to 'mess with his head'. (By asking what date he's seen the condom in order to work out if it'd been mine.)
He went on to say that the condom MUST have either been mine or hers. And that I wouldn't tell him if it was mine.
He was beside himself with anger and frustration.
I suppose he thinks that I entertain men at home with the kids in the house, whilst I am almost dying with grief over the ongoing disintegration of my marriage.
And then, I toss used condoms into the rubbish bin, so as to miss it and leave them lying on the ground in the driveway!!!!!!
I'm new and who knows when this post may show up as I'm still on moderation.
I've been dealing with an H with MLC for a bit now (although bomb drop was recent). He used to be an excellent father, husband, friend, etc, etc, etc. In the last several years, he is the one who has chosen to not co-parent with me any longer. So "luckily" for me, acting as a sole parent hasn't been as difficult for me. Once you get the hang of it, and only trust your instincts, you will be fine. It may seem unnatural at first, but in your head/heart you know what's best for your kids.
However, I know the temptation to show H how his actions are hurting the kids. He believes that getting a D is no big deal to our children and they will be better off because of it. I see 3 kids who have each been sick (2 of them fairly serious illnesses) since he chose to leave. As their mother, I see that their little bodies are so stressed by the situation, that they can't fight off any infections at this point. H doesn't agree, but then again, he is living in the world of a petulent and self-absorbed teenage boy - why would he care about the welfare of anyone that isn't him?
All you can do is your best and explain to your kids that he is in a fog on his own island. They unfortunately and fortunately know what's going on and the three of them have to work out (without you) how they are going to get along. You are no longer responsible for his relationship (or lack thereof) with them.
Good luck!
Me: 42 H: 44 M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2 S: 14 D: 10 D: 8 Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me) 1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12 2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12 Moved out: 2/12/12
Sorry to hear that your kids have been doing it hard - but it sure sounds like they hit the jackpot with their mom, though.
Your advice seems so spot-on - and your h sounds just like mine: "a petulant and self-absorbed teenager" indeed!
I took your advice about not being responsible for his relationship with our kids any more by not pressuring him about Easter.
He rang and asked me what the plans were, but I just said "Well, we're having our traditional hot X bun breakfast on Friday and egg hunt on Sun".
He said he'd be too busy working, so I left it at that. All nice and upbeat and no pressure (I've recently told him I'm moving on with my life).
The kids were very disappointed that he wasn't coming over, and it crossed my mind in a moment of weakness and sadness to get them to ring him on Friday morning to ask him to come for breakfast, but I realised this would be self-defeating.
So, just as we are about to sit down to our hot X buns, H rings and asks if he can come over.
He arrives and looks as if he's been crying all night (puffy, bloodshot eyes).
He's as nice as pie, accepts a coffee and a bun (usually won't eat or drink anything I offer), and hands over a big bag of easter eggs (each type in a multiple of 3, i.e. one of everything for me and the kids).
Now, unfortunately, they are from the most exclusive chocolate shop in town - and would have cost over $100 in total.
In the past, H and I have always given each other one of these 'special' eggs, but not the kids (they get standard choc eggs). Today, the kids and I got 5 of these eggs each.
In our current financial circumstance - where H says we can no longer pay the mortgage and I don't have money for school shoes for the kids, let alone their school fees, this seems like madness.
These WAH's are really a piece of work. Mine is complaining about how much money I have spent since he left. I don't know what he's talking about since I didn't leave the house the entire month of February due to bomb drop. March I bought the kids new shoes, a couple of pairs of pants (3) for me (since I'm on the LBS diet now) and groceries. Meanwhile his new apartment costs the same as my mortgage payment, he's buying all kinds of new furniture, tv's, blueray players, couches, etc, etc, etc, Oh, did I mention the gifts and cash he gives my kids each time he sees them? UGH!!
I'm glad your H decided to make an effort with you and the kids - that really is huge! Hoping the your 180's & DB efforts are really having an effect on him!
One last tidbit, I'm taking my kids to the movies tonight. D10 wants H to go, I told her she could feel free to invite him, but that he'd probably be busy. I didn't tell her no, but I did put it back in her hands & made her ask H. I try not to care if he comes with us or not, but I do know it's important for my kids, so that's where my struggle lies. I bet that's where we all struggle though.
Sending you loads of HUGS and better times ahead!! xo
Me: 42 H: 44 M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2 S: 14 D: 10 D: 8 Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me) 1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12 2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12 Moved out: 2/12/12
