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She basically said that it is going to take her some time to believe that my actions are not merely a tool to keep her to stay.
This is not uncommon. But the fact that she is saying these thing means that 1, she is noticing and 2, she is interested in seeing more.
So you need to keep those changes and actions going. And they must become permanent otherwise if you R and you slip back into old habits or patterns you will find yourself back here again.
I just listened and then spent the rest of the night watching tv.
Next time in addition to listening, try validating. So when she says I don't trust your actions, you can respond by saying something along the lines of "W I can see why you may feel that way. I hope one day you'll see these as permanent changes" Or something like that.
I am glad that I found this site shortly after W dropped the bomb. I would have been a blithering idiot without out everyone's help.
Amen to that!!!!!
Me48 W50 S15 S11 M20 T23 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I'm going to change your name to Holding Steady in W. I hate that Sad part.
Yes!!! Where's the "standing ovation" emoticon??
M54 W 54; D27 D25 S21 S18 GD4 GD 2m BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07 Filed 4 D 7/07 Piecing 07-10 At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Had a decent weekend with kids and W. I have started to notice tht W is iniating contact more when I am not around or have the kids. Went to eat and the museum on Saturday since the weather was more March like than we have been having.
Finances came up and I told W that I really don't like having two separate accounts since I always have to cut a check for he bills. Made me feel like I was giving W an allowance. She then voiced her displeasure and I listened, listened and validated.
Saturday W and I watched TV together for the rest of the night, talked about present events and where we should go in the summer.
Sunday we had to run errands for the week and for our upcoming trip. This is a new development since W and I would not do this together.
Afternoon was nice so I showed S10 how to cut grass with me, he has wanted to do this. W went for walk and D6 and I used the riding mower to cut the grass.
Was in the middle of writing this when W comes down and tells me that we should cancel the trip to Disney because the kids are not falling asleep as quick as she would like, they both sleep with her and I sleep in another room. So I go upstairs to find out what is up S10 is crying because he is scared and D6 won.t go to sleep either. Both come to me crying, I get S10 situated again and D6 tucked in again. W gets mad and says "this is becoming easier for me to leave due to you kids, I will only have to do del with you half the time." I say nothing and W falls asleep minutes later, kids a little longer. W said today she was exhausted so I expected he to be short. Didn't ask why she fealt that way just focused on the kids.
W has flat out told me she is waiting for the other shoe to drop regarding my 180's. I usually walk away, but today I asked what if 6 months from now I am still helping with the kids/ house then what? W said then I won't be leaving. Like most stuff with us I do not put any hope in that.
Trying to keep myself upbeat the following has occurred since the bomb has dropped:
1. R between me and kids has improved ten fold, they are now relying on me and no longet solely counting on W,
2. With working out and hockey I have lost 30 pounds,
3. I am aware of the families finances and will talk about it wit W without blowing up,
4. W has initiated contact when we are apart,
5. W has started to talk again beyond small talk,
6. The things around the house that have bugged me are being done by me without bitching, and
7. W relying me on more with kids (picking up D6) without having to text.
These are small steps, but there is no physical contact with us, except for sex. I miss being able to give/get a hug or hold a hand.
From the great people here, my W's behavior is typical. I can't let myself get down. I will stay focused on my 180's.
W apologized to family this morning for being so crabby. I also forgot that yesterday was the test run for her to try Valium so she will be relaxed enough to fly to FA (W hates to fly/claustrophobic).
Even after she blew up on Sunday at the kids I slept very well. Really trying to not let her emotions affect how I am going to feel. This is a big step for me since I would have been on pins and needles if she was upset.
W then emailed me this morning and asked if I would go with her to the company's christmas party a few weeks from now (don't ask me why they hold it in April). Thought about it for a while and accepted the invitation.
W called this morning on her way to work asking if I could pick up D6 from day care so that she could go to kick boxing. The funny thing about this is that I have been picking her up everyday for the last two weeks, but she will ask me every afternoon if I will pick her up.
Another 180 that I am working on has to do with my snooping on W. W leaves her phone out and e-mail/FB account are left open on her computer. It is probably better for all involved if I leave it alone. I wish I was not so nosy.
W is also making a bunch of meals that I like this week. She made my favorite dessert on Monday Night while I was at hockey with S10. I asked her to make them and she was more than willing. Wish feelings could be moved like this