Moving Right along Part 2

[Autumn Leaves]

I agree with you Starsky, he is a very wise, kind man. I know he cares because he doesn't need my chart in front of him to remember or ask. When I take the boys in, he is always asking how I am doing. It is nice.

So we talked to the boys last night. It was difficult but I think overall it went well. H asked me to start and wasn't jumping in, so I looked at him and he jumped in too.

He got very emotional and slightly dramatic, and I was worried it would make it harder on the boys. They don't have any patience for drama

After talking a bit, we asked them if they wanted to say anything or if they had questions. They didn't. They said that they aren't surprised because they have heard us. I explained "and that is exactly why we ALL need this break". They nodded.

H continued and I suggested that everything was said and it was now repeating, and we should let them process. He agreed.

I felt a huge sense of relief and went to relax. H came in and rubbed my shoulder and said "are you ok". I told him that I am fine. I think he wanted to talk about how he is feeling but I just didn't have it in me.

We are finalizing financial aid for S17 and taxes this week, he moves out tomorrow. I have the boys this weekend.

I am feeling incredibly good today. I have plans to do some spring cleaning and buying a new mattress and bedding this weekend. The mattress is old and sinks in the middle. It is just time. Really looking forward to the weekend.

[sayitaintso]

I am feeling incredibly good today. I have plans to do some spring cleaning and buying a new mattress and bedding this weekend. The mattress is old and sinks in the middle. It is just time. Really looking forward to the weekend.

Very happy for you Autumn considering the circumstances. Enjoy your weekend!

[mindfull]

Get really girly bedding!!!!!

[Autumn Leaves]

Thanks SIAS! I'm sure I will still have tough days so I am just trying to appreciate the good ones when they are here

[Starsky309]

Get really girly bedding!!!!!

AGREE!!!

[Autumn Leaves]

Good call and I am going to go tomorrow to get it. I work from my home office and plan to give him some space while he is moving out tomorrow, so it is the best time to get new bedding.

H told his sister this morning about the separation. He also told her that his drinking is directly affecting this decision and he thinks he has a problem. He was encouraging her to maintain her relationship with me and she told him that she loves me very much.

Ironically she also shared that she was in a very similar position with her H 2 years ago. We noticed that he quit drinking but never knew the backstory. It turns out that it was very similar to ours.

Last night he visited our friends next door who rent from us, to discuss this. He didn't want any awkwardness when he was here on his weekends. She told me that he used the word alcoholic, which I've never heard him say before.

I'm really glad he seems to be seeking support, at least from his sister.

[25yearsmlc]

So I had an appointment with my physician this morning. He was treating me with AD and knew a little about my sitch. My entire family has been going to him for a LONG time.

So this morning he asked how things are going and an update, so I told him that we were telling the boys tonight and separating on Friday.
---
When I explained the sitch and the deal breakers that were broken, he said that H was exhibiting signs of depression for sure and suspected bipolar which was surprising but I guess not totally out there.

He said it sounds like he is hitting rock bottom or at least close, and I said "I sure hope he doesn't go any lower than this" Self medicating with alcohol and substances is not ok. He said he doesn't want a dr tossing AD's at him but yet he is still self medicating, he can't see it.


I said that I am taking it day by day, working on me and the boys and not thinking that far. He said that sounds like a good plan and wants to see me again in a month.

I feel like he is one more extension to my support system.


I've never allowed myself to be open to support and I am so glad that I am over that now, It is not weak to need support. We all do from time to time

that lesson was among the 3 main, life changing lessons I got from the workshop.

It IS life changing and it also leads you to become a better supporter to others. IOW
I'm a much better listener b/c I felt listened to...

I think "taking it day by day" is a great approach with an over all goal of growth and working on you, in mind for the long run.

Autumn I don't know all the dealbreakers your h has but I will just attach the same signficance to them as I would to my own. I accept that they are bad news dealbreakers.

If I saw no signs or chance of change, I'd move forward AND

b/c I'm a DBer I'd be open to seeing if he does any of the work, or all of it, that he needs to do. THEN I'd check my heart and head and be as open as I could be...

We know He wasn't doing the work with you both IN the house. But bear in mind the doctor's point too.

What if, just what if, your h has a real medical problem

AND GOT HELP FOR IT? Think about it IF it happens.

I don't mean to get you off track.

But my late BIL acted out of character for several months and got really goofy and erratic with my sister. We wondered if he was on drugs or just became an a$$. She thought of leaving him b/c he would not go to counselling. She was at her wit's end.

One day he collapsed and had a seizure. Turns out He had a brain tumor.
(I learned that 20% of brain tumor patients present with psych issues...)

not saying that your h has a tumor!!!


I am just saying that I'm so glad my sister didn't leave him. IF he had not had the seizure, which lead to the CAT scan -and the treatments, I don't know what would have happened.

So He got accepted into a new protocol for tumors and he had brain surgery (five time, I swear) and got chemo and radiation, and lived 11 years, about 10 of those years - were good ones, once he had the surgery.

And last but not least, in sickness and in health...



I am not trying to guilt you and I think you have been through a lot already. And even if your h does have a medical problem, it doesn't mean you stick it out no matter what.

IF my BIL had a tumor that made him violent, my sister would have been right to leave. (Though I'd like to think she'd have kept him on her insurance)

If your h has a medical issue

AND he gets NO help for it,

all we really "know" is, you are allowed to be happy either way...


Plus I think your h is having a spiritual crisis too- and those are hardest to treat but then again, maybe the most amenable to miracles.

Look where you are today if you forgot that miracles do happen.

I am so glad you have the support system you have. BTW, 2 friends of mine from childhood are going to EE this month. And so it goes/grows.

((( )))

[Autumn Leaves]

Thanks 25! Yes I definitely learned that at EE as well. In fact I have my support group tonight

I absolutely get what you are saying. We both said that this separation is about each of us working on our own stuff. He knows what his stuff is and he knows the deal breakers. They are fairly big and dangerous for my children. He is fully aware of what needs to be done and the rest is on him

I've not ruled out a medical issue, and hope he gets to the doctor to check into that. For now he refuses any AD unless his IC suggests it at some point, and continues to self medicate ( a deal breaker)

One day at a time is a great way to take this, and life in general

I am so glad to hear that your friends are going. I've shared the next workshop with some friends and hope that they will go. I have my name on the list to be on team but it hasn't been selected yet. Under the circumstances I will probably have to wait until next time, since the boys may need me. I will go to the graduation dinner though

Thanks for your insight, it is always appreciated and you make some very good points.

[25yearsmlc]

fyi

Eric/Joanne have the contact info. Very glad you're going to the graduation. If it were not so far for me and this month, I'd be going too. Dang...maybe I can. It's a very dear friend. The other one is a DBer who I only know from here, like you.

Once you have a bit more time in the community, you'll get there on team. It's a great refresher even though you are there for the participants, you can't help it, you'll feel renewed.

[~ kd ~]

...continues to self medicate ( a deal breaker)

Funny, in going through this sitch for myself and looking forward at things that might be a deal breaker for me, I didn't even think about that one...

While I have no problem with the use of alcohol, yes... I am very sensitive to the abuse of alcohol in the many forms... yes, that IS (it has been in the past) and will continue to be a deal breaker for me...

I hope your H gets the help he needs...