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#2236259 - 04/08/12 01:07 AM Re: Moving Right along Part 2 [Re: ncl]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4823
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: ncl
There are many people here and in your personal life who care for you deeply, but the DB coaches and the moderators here are the professionals.
I wish you happiness and peace and the very best for you and your family. Take care, ncl



WHAT moderators? The last time this forum's moderator posted was February 26th, and the DB coaches don't help out on the threads either.

I don't see Autumn giving up on her marriage. I see Autumn saying that she's no longer willing to subject herself and her sons to her CURRENT marriage, in its current form.

And I think that's HEALTHY.


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2236270 - 04/08/12 02:00 AM Re: Moving Right along Part 2 [Re: Starsky309]
mindfull Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/08
Posts: 3975
Amen
_________________________
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13

After many years w/my head in the sand...
I FILED
Divorced 6/2011

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

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#2236274 - 04/08/12 02:17 AM Re: Moving Right along Part 2 [Re: Starsky309]
ncl Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 583
Starsky,

I absolutely agree....any of us who find ourselves here need to cast off the old marriage and take a stand for a new and improved union. That is the healthy and only way to go, which I learned the hard way by resisting for so long. It takes a lot of courage to do so...I know that first hand. I applaud Autumn and stand behind her 100% in saying she will not tolerate status quo any longer. She is certainly a woman of strength and integrity and is teaching her sons valuable lessons.

And it is unfortunate that the moderators aren't able to chime in on a regular basis. I don't know the reason for that, but I do imagine moderating the boards, particularly Newcomers, is a big task. I do think investing in a DB coach is a worthy investment.

I just wanted to throw in my 2 cents with Autumn, as I know what it's like to feel like one's spouse is in a hopeless situation and unable to change. No doubt the walkaway spouse has to want to change, and I'm grateful mine got to that point before it was too late (as we were well into the divorce process). I'm really grateful, too, that I found the courage and strength in large part from this board to focus on my own change and not try to rush a divorce. Also, in my case, separation was key (even though I fought it with my spouse in the beginning). I hate my kids had to go through that, but it taught both my husband and me a lot about what we were missing out on.

As with all the fine folks who make the effort to come to this site and post on it for themselves and others, I support Autumn in her decision and wish her the very best. She is obviously an intelligent, spiritual woman...a great wife, mother and lady in general. Again, I just wanted to share my story as one who has once felt helpless in my marriage and is now reconciling.

Have a blessed Easter, ncl
_________________________
aka lc4 : )

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#2236284 - 04/08/12 03:21 AM Re: Moving Right along Part 2 [Re: ncl]
mindfull Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/08
Posts: 3975
Ncl. I like you. Thank you for sharing. smile
_________________________
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13

After many years w/my head in the sand...
I FILED
Divorced 6/2011

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Top
#2236297 - 04/08/12 06:56 AM Re: Moving Right along Part 2 [Re: Starsky309]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Originally Posted By: ncl
There are many people here and in your personal life who care for you deeply, but the DB coaches and the moderators here are the professionals.
I wish you happiness and peace and the very best for you and your family. Take care, ncl



WHAT moderators? The last time this forum's moderator posted was February 26th, and the DB coaches don't help out on the threads either.

I don't see Autumn giving up on her marriage. I see Autumn saying that she's no longer willing to subject herself and her sons to her CURRENT marriage, in its current form.

And I think that's HEALTHY.


Starsky


I agree with this.

The only thing her husband seems to learn is that its no biggie if he is caught.

If a person does not want to be there for his children and wife. Why should everyone else be held hostage.

That is not healthy.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

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#2236314 - 04/08/12 12:27 PM Re: Moving Right along Part 2 [Re: ncl]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4823
Loc: Florida
Happy Easter to you, too, ncl. As we remind ourselves that He is, indeed, RISEN, we begin to realize that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. In that, we can agree. smile


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2236642 - 04/10/12 12:37 AM Re: Moving Right along Part 2 [Re: ncl]
dbmod Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/08
Posts: 2155
Originally Posted By: ncl
Autumn,

I've followed your threads from when you first started posting. I don't know that I've ever commented, but I have admired your strength and grace in difficult circumstances. As a former WAW and LBS with a 4-year history of some terrible and seemingly hopeless marital problems, I will say that I'm so very glad I gave my marriage every shot possible, even when I no longer wanted to. Six months into reconciliation done the right way (the DB day), life at home is better than I ever expected possible.
If you haven't taken the opportunity to consult with a DB coach, I strongly suggest it, considering the circumstances. There are many people here and in your personal life who care for you deeply, but the DB coaches and the moderators here are the professionals.
I wish you happiness and peace and the very best for you and your family. Take care, ncl



ncl- You've got it right, and I'm so happy that YOU are happy...and it appears your family is happy.



We're here to help...but it's not a fulltime job, and like Starsky mentioned, it's not a fulltime job for a moderator, and the coaches are phone coaches, not 'online coaches', although we see them once in awhile online here.


If you need help, click your 'notify' button.

Your longtime DBer's here, are very helpful. They are not professional. They are not always your BEST advice, a DB Coach IS always your BEST advice....I promise. Because they are SOLUTION ORIENTED, AND working with YOU PERSONALLY.
_________________________
dbmod

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#2236773 - 04/10/12 01:16 PM Re: Moving Right along Part 2 [Re: dbmod]
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 568
Loc: Pennsylvania
Good morning!! Sorry for the delay, I was visiting family for the holiday and for some reason I can't post from my phone. I can read the first page but can't move to other pages or login.

Kaffe I understand what you are saying and how it may appear but after years of this, and no hope for change in some areas I am done with this unhealthy marriage. Actually after some discussion last night, so is H. He actually sounds as if he read DB at times, it is amazing. He mentions a brand new healthy marriage, this old one will never work. Who knows, maybe he did read it. I can't seem to find my copy smile

There are some things that are still happening that are deal breakers for me, some things that MC can't fix if H is not willing to give them up. As of last night he mentioned he is not willing to give them up. I choose not to live with these behaviors or have my children live with them (they are very destructive).

We talked last night and he will be moving in with a friend at the end of the week. He agreed that he needs to give me space and realized that he needs it as well. His main concern was the kids and having access to them, and I agreed that it was very important so we are setting up a schedule in the next few days and sitting down with the boys together to discuss.

It was a very calm and respectful discussion. He admitted to not giving me space when I requested it, and asked if he can still have access to the house with my permission. He will never come over unannounced but would like to have access, maintain the yard, etc.

He asked if we can call this a trial separation, and keep MC on the table.

Thankfully for the boys, the friend he will be living with is only 5 miles away. I'm going to do some research to find some free tools to help with visitation, etc.

Thank you to everyone who responded the past few days, I have been reading and frustrated when I couldn't respond smile
_________________________
-Autumn


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#2236775 - 04/10/12 01:34 PM Re: Moving Right along Part 2 [Re: Autumn Leaves]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4823
Loc: Florida
Autumn, this sounds like a great plan, and a great start! Having some formal agreements in place, and him being able to spend time with the boys (and helping out with the yard), with your permission, is good.

This gives you each your own space, and allows him time to decide if a new marriage with you is more important to him than his other desires. If he decides to do something about those, perhaps you guys can start dating each other, exclusively, for a period of 3-6 months and see where things go.

I think this is healthy . . . for all concerned.


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2236781 - 04/10/12 02:03 PM Re: Moving Right along Part 2 [Re: Starsky309]
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 568
Loc: Pennsylvania
I completely agree that this is a good start and healthier for all involved. It feels less like limbo and more like moving towards something.

He asked me last night why I felt the need to go full speed ahead to D, and I said that I didn't but he wasn't giving me space and I felt it may be my only option. By him moving out we can both work on ourselves and I am really looking forward to that. I do pray that he stops some of the unhealthy behaviors but that is out of my control.

In addition to setting the visitation with him, I think we will begin separating the finances as well. He mentioned concerns that I would "run up the credit card" and other financial worries (odd because he always said that I never spent money, so this is out of character).

If we separate them fairly without involving the attorneys yet, we will not have that hanging over our heads. I'm not sure how that will work yet, but we will at least start the discussion.
_________________________
-Autumn


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