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Maggie3 Offline OP
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Hi, this is my first time posting. My husband and I are both in our early 30's. We have been together 6 years, married only 1.5 years. I thought we were happy, but we did have the typical relationship fights, mostly me nagging about him not cleaning, or finances. When we did have issues we would never really talk about them after. We'd just kind of be sick of fighting and make up. In September we found out his estranged father had passed away. He didn't want to talk about it, showed no emotions about it, etc. Then his company moved and this was a stressful time for him. They moved from the city to the suburbs (we also live in the suburbs, which has also come up as a point of unhappiness for him). Around January he started being cold to me. There was a palpable tension but I didn't know why. Finally I confronted him about it and he told me he was done with our relationship. He didn't love me anymore, he hated our house, he didn't want to be married, etc. I immediately scheduled us an appointment for a consultation with my company's mental health department so we could get a referral to a counselor. We went to the visit and I thought it was very eye opening. He talked about how he didn't like our house in the suburbs, how he didn't like that I didn't go out with my girlfriends as much anymore and I talked about how stressed I felt financially after buying a new car (he had said he was going to help me pay for it and then wasn't). We were referred to a marriage counselor and he was also referred to his own counseling. He never made an appointment. We went to one session with our new marriage counselor and she thought that we weren't ready for marriage counseling but instead he should go to a counselor and I would continue going to her for support. He started with his counselor and I continued to go to mine but things just kept going worse. At his counseling they talked about our marriage and I get the impression his counselor said if you aren't happy you should end it. I had gotten the impression he was referred to his own counselor to talk about his other issues: emotionally detaching from me, perhaps depression, the issues with his parent's marriage and his estranged father's death. Well, things continued to get worse throughout February. Every interaction we had was uncomfortable and I was so confused, we had been so happy before- best friends, a lot in common, our friends had merged, our families were supportive of our relationship, so I had no idea why the sudden change. Less than a year earlier I had run a marathon and he surprised me at the finish line with a trip we were leaving for the next day. How could all of that love just go away one day? How could he now claim he never loved me, we never had a good relationship,etc. Eventually things got so strained at home that I asked him to leave. He had told me things weren't changing and he wanted a divorce. A few days after he left we spoke again and decided he would stay at our house a few nights a week (he is staying with his mom). So we had been doing that but again with no positive changes. He would basically come home from work and avoid being around me. I felt like I was on a yo-yo. I was trying so hard and every time we discussed the issues something new he was unhappy would come up (for example, one day it would be we had nothing in common, then it would be he never loved me, then it would be we never had sex). I was reading all of these books, articles, websites, trying the things I would learn in counseling, trying to plan activities for us to do that we didn't have to have much conversation but could be together, wearing lingerie to spice up our sex life and nothing was working and he just seemed to be drifting further away. My counselor suggested asking him to leave completely so I could start to heal. I asked him to leave permanently and said we could meet back up in a month or so and see where we were at and see if marriage counseling might work. He seemed so relieved to be able to get away from me frown During this conversation he really opened up. He said maybe his father's death had triggered something in him and that he felt like a changed person. Some of the changes were positive, more energy at work, but others were negative, like feeling very selfish. I felt positive that some time away would help him figure some things out. Then, this weekend I looked at our phone bill and found some text messages to a number I didn't recognize. It wasn't a local area code so it stood out. I obviously got suspicious (I had asked him before if he was having an affair, as this came so out of the blue and he said he wasn't). I called the number he had been texting with and it was a woman. She is a member of the consulting team that was hired when his company moved back in November. He had also been on the move team so that is obviously how they met. I confronted him about the texts (there were about 20 texts, the last one coming at 11:30pm on Saturday night) and he said they were just friends. When I said I was going to call her he freaked out. I called her anyways and left a heated message about how you don't text with a married man. She called me back and again said they are just friends. I looked her up online and it turns out she is 25 years old, I am 32, my husband 31. I am also much more attractive than her, which made me even angrier. He said that nothing has happened other than a few text messages, emails and occasionally lunch at work with other people. I know my husband is probably seeking out female attention as a distraction/some fun. I believe him that he didn't physically cheat on me but I think this might have been heading that way. Anyways, he turned the tables on me Sunday night and started sending me horrible text messages calling me a stalker for looking up his phone bill. We have a joint plan and I am his WIFE so I don't think this is stalking. I am confused as to what happened to my loving, supportive, fun husband and am seeking answers, not stalking him. He also is accusing me of emailing my college ex boyfriend, which is totally untrue. I know he is just trying to redirect the blame. His mother, who has been completely supportive of me and loves me like a daughter, called me and basically said that he had it out with her too and that she needs to support him right now, which I get. She is probably nervous he will cut her out of his life like he is doing to me (and did to his father, who at least deserved it). Now he says he is totally done. He told me he wants to get the ball rolling and get this over with as soon as possible. I told him again I think we need to go a month without seeing each other/and having little communication (other than stuff about our house) before we rush into anything. We need to do some home improvements before we can put our house up for sale, etc. and I am hoping in the meantime he will have a change of heart or after a month when things have cooled down he will be willing to go to marriage counseling (he said he was willing before but only wanted to go so I could find closure with our failed marriage). I'm just so lost and feel like my life is spinning out of control. It was so out of the blue. I can't concentrate at work, have been taking anxiety meds to get by. I'm a teacher so it's important I am always "on". My friends and family have been great but they are all struggling with this too, as I said it was so out of the blue. My father and my husband were buddies, they'd golf together, and loved to talk sports. My dad is so angry he hasn't even spoken to me about it because I think he is nervous he will say something he will regret if we end up back together. I want him to call my husband and tell him to act like a man and honor his vows but I think my dad is nervous he would flip out on my husband and make things worse. My husband reached out to my sister through text two weeks ago. They've always had a good relationship. I'm wondering if she should reach out to him or if I should just leave it be for now. I started reading "The Divorce Remedy" on Monday and it is helping but....I'm the willing participant. Some of the things sounded like my husband though- things being so bad he doesn't remember that they were ever good (they were!). Today we emailed about him coming to do yard work at our house this weekend and get some of his things. I will be leaving for the day so we don't have to see each other. I have tried to make my response as positive as possible and said I appreciate him coming to do work. Has something like this ever happened to someone else? I can't help but think his father's death triggered something in him. Thanks for any advice and support frown


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Welcome to the board.

It sounds like he is depressed.

He is asking for SPACE, give it to him.
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he say and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.


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Hi Maggie,

Welcome to our community. Holiday weekends are slow, so don't give up if responses to your post don't come as quickly as you'd like.

I'm going to cut to the chase here. You must let go of him. The more you try to keep him, the harder he pull away. He wants freedom. Until he feels that you have totally set him free, your M won't stand a chance.

That's probably not what you expected to hear, right? But you will hear this advice from those of us who have been around here for a few years.

He did love you! He still does! But, he's going through something that you can't fix. B/c his emotional pain is so big, he is desperately trying to find an escape. Unfortunately, he thinks leaving his M will help him to breathe. He doesn't know what he wants. But the more you fight him, the more he will want out.

Am I saying you should go file for a D? No, but I'm saying to leave him alone. You don't realize it, but even if he's not in an A with this OW, your clingy ways will cause him to justify having one. Right now, you are the blame for all his unhappiness. Now, we know that's not the case, but that's what he thinks.

You have to think of "fighting for your marriage" in a different way. The way you have been doing has resulted in choking him out of the MR. When women do that, they don't appear very attractive to the man, no matter how beautiful she may be.

You have a lot ahead of you, but know this.....we are here to support you, if you'll stick with us. I encourage you to post every day b/c that will help build a support group and keep us updated.

Do have children? Do you work outside the home?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hi Maggie!

I haven't been here long, but I agree with what Sandi says, with one exception. She writes "you have to think of 'fighting for your marriage' in a different way." I agree with that, except that I am not "fighting", I have decided to stand for my marraige. Fighting makes me feel like my H and I are on opposite sides, one of us is right, one of us is wrong. Standing for my marriage makes me feel like I am standing up for what I believe no matter what happens. I know it's just one word, but that word changed my perspective. Hope that helps!


Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved out: 2/12/12
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 127
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Hi Maggie--
I am new as well, and I totally get what you are saying. I will chime in with the others and say to just give him space. My H has been needing it for years and I always did the opposite. I wish I had found this site earlier. I am standing for my M as well, but have no expectations as to what will happen. My H moved to another state....and so we will see. But as my mother keeps telling me, it ain't over till the fat lady sings! Take it an hour at a time, that's what I do, as if I feel tempted to write, text or just reach out--I write in my journal. And no...I have not been doing this for very long...I am only on day 2 of the detach--so it is VERY HARD!!!!

Be patient and be kind to yourself. We will suceed in the end.

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Hi Maggie,

I don't feel like I can give you too much advice since I have only been here for a couple of months myself. I can offer you support and my own experiences so far (I have some ways to go). Your sitch is similar to mine in that my H just was 'done!', possible EA as well, suddenly can't remember any good times, everything is my fault etc. I went into a tailspin too, did all the begging and pleading - and it DID NOT HELP one bit. It also made me personally feel worse.

So, I totally agree with sandi2, step away. Give them what they THINK AND SAY they want = freedom and space. At first it will feel totally unnatural to you. And, it is. But hold on to your hat as best you can, and the feelings will begin to soften. The S eventually does realise it's not really what they want, but they need to see it for themselves. Nothing you can say to them will get through to them as they have this ongoing argument going on in their own heads.

Giving space is probably the hardest thing because you worry if it will make him even more distanced and less feeling. It doesn't - trust me. It is just a fear you have.

After giving him space, I managed to focus on some of my 180's - which is actually VERY hard work, and sometimes leaves me confused. I am grateful to all the people here who post and share their experiences as there is a lot of hard-won wisdom (backed up by experience). So read here and it will calm you down, and give you pointers.

Just to clarify - 180's are things you wouldn't normally do. So, if you are a yeller (like I am), instead keep quiet. Find alternative modes of communication - and see it as you expanding your way of being. It has not been easy for me as I am like a volcano, so I've learned to use distraction, and this forum instead and other methods to express myself (like through my art). I have no idea if it is working on my H, but it certainly has worked in other departments of my life, hence my other relationships are improving and I feel more empowered.

So, good luck and keep posting smile I appreciate that I can be supportive to someone else.

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Are you still out there Maggie?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Maggie3 Offline OP
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Thank you all so much for your support. I didn't know how to re-find my post so I didn't realize people had responded. We have no children, just pets. I had hoped we would be starting our family this coming fall after we had some work done to our house. I do work outside the home. I've been keeping myself very busy and have not communicated with his since last Wednesday. He texted me on Friday but it didn't require a response so I didn't respond. I didn't hear from him on Easter which made me feel sad. His mother and him usually do all holidays with my larger family. Easter is always especially fun so I was hoping he would be thinking about that while he spent the day alone with his mother.

Today I had a counseling appointment and caught her up on all that had happened with the texts to this OW. She seems to believe, as do I, that this has a lot to do with his estranged father's death. She mentioned something that it seems to her he tried to make good decisions his whole life and be nothing like his father (bipolar and turned to alcohol abuse- his parents divorced when he was 7 I think but he did not become estranged until he was 19 or so). She said now he seems to be making poor, impulsive decisions and not wanting to be responsible anymore (doesn't want to be married, own a home, etc). She thought I should write him a letter kind of summarizing our relationship history and how I thought this had to do with his father but that I wasn't going anywhere and if he wanted to work on things I'd be ready. I told her about the last resort technique I was trying from the DR and that l didn't want to contact him at this time and she supported that. I felt hopeful because he came to our house this weekend to get some stuff and do yard work while I wasn't here and he didn't take any of his stuff as far as I can tell.

I'm very fortunate to have an amazing support system of family and friends, even my coworkers who know what is going on have been great.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 157
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Maggie3 Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 157
My husband emailed me today about when I wouldn't be home this coming weekend so he could do yard work. He also wished me luck in the marathon I'm running Monday. It's so crazy. Last year at this time he was telling me to pack my suitcase because he was taking me to an island after the marathon, this year he is emailing to "wish me luck, regardless of our situation". He is going to come do yard work Monday- dashing my hopes that he'd show up to cheer me on. I responded pleasantly though, thanking him. We also have a wedding next weekend, a female friend of his who I became close with. We decided I would go, as I'm doing a reading and her and I are closer than they are. The Bride knows everything going on and asked me to bring my best friend instead. I'm nervous for my first big event without him and the questions I'm sure to get. Plus, it being a wedding is bittersweet. I know I will have fun with my friends though.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 157
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Maggie3 Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 157
I'm driving myself crazy wondering what my husband does on weekends. I've convinced myself he is out at bars (still has many single friends) or with the woman he was texting. What strategies do other people use to not think these thoughts? I know I should keep busy but I've developed a cold and need to try and get better plus rest my body for my race on Monday. I am on vacation this week too which means lots of down time for thoughts to creep in.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
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