Just Keep Swimming

[jbnati]

Hello finding nemo,

I just wanted to drop in and offer a belated welcome to the board.

This jumped out at me from one your posts:

She writes "you have to think of 'fighting for your marriage' in a different way." I agree with that, except that I am not "fighting", I have decided to stand for my marraige. Fighting makes me feel like my H and I are on opposite sides, one of us is right, one of us is wrong. Standing for my marriage makes me feel like I am standing up for what I believe no matter what happens. I know it's just one word, but that word changed my perspective.

I applaud your position in this. I, too, have made that pardigm shift. I've been standing for almost 14 months now. Hang in there. It really does get better. It's still a roller coaster at times but the hills aren't as big anymore.

Hang in there!

[finding nemo]

Thanks so much Adinva & Jbnati.

I had a rough weekend, I guess it had lots to do with first real family holiday since bomb drop, noticing H isn't wearing his wedding ring, the ridiculous Easter baskets that H got the kids, remembering all the wonderful memories that H and I had created over the last 19 Easters and then the venom filled e-mails from H this morning. I feel like I've had a major backslide, not w/ H, but with myself - which feels pretty awful.

So, the Hurt Wife is back in full-force and I guess the Angry Mommy is waiting in the wings to gather her strength again.

Will post more later after I get the kids squared away. As always, thanks so much to all of you for your continued support and words of wisdom, they are so comforting during this awful time.

[NLW]

Hi fn,

Right there with you. Easter is tough.

Our H's seem to find it that way too - otherwise why would they be acting like such d--ks?

Anyway, you seem already to be aware of the problem of taking your anger out on the kids.

This is something that I have to be more proactive about - so big points to you for being so self-aware.

[finding nemo]

I guess I should qualify who Angry Mommy is, she's the only person (in my now dysfunctional self) who can get angry at H for what he's doing. She's angry for her kids that their H is acting like such an arse and not giving them the attention or support they need during this upheaval. Hurt Wife just wallows in self pity and tears.

I am sure I've yelled at and been angry with my kids over these 14 years, but have really tried over these 2 months to keep my anger in check when it comes to the kids. Not saying I haven't messed up, but I actually find my house to be a bit more peaceful tidy now that H doesn't live here.

Gosh, I really sound scizophrenic now!

[finding nemo]

HIW - I'm going to go work out tomorrow morning for the first time in awhile. Come join me!!

[BFloat]

Oh yes. Angry mommy. I don't see her as much these days but she sometimes makes an appearance when I'm driving to work late at night. Haven't seen much of hurt wife either. Lol

today.. I am commander bf.. Woman extrodinaire that only a fool would leave.

[finding nemo]

Hi BF!

I've been trying to be vague and elusive and trying not to care if H notices or not. I guess only time will tell.

The sitch with the kids is really where my anger at H comes out and I am really trying hard to get control over it. I just can't believe how far removed he is from his children that he's not all that worried that our D8 will potentially need one procedure where she's under general anestheia, and then another procedure where she'll be having surgery. Not to mention the well-being of 3 children. Did I mention the 3 children are his? UGH!!

btw- Did your H agree to the 6 follow up meetings after your weekend? Have been keeping you in my prayers for a very successful Retrouvaille.

Hoping a regular exercise regiment will improve my mood!

[finding nemo]

BF - When does Commander come in? Gosh, I could really use her!!

[finding nemo]

Hi Advina!

Thank you so much for your very thoughtful post. I have read it and re-read it many times.

-I know I am struggling with so much right now. And I do believe you are correct, I have been bean counting and getting upset about how unfair this all is. I will try to not be so critical of H when he spends time with the kids. I am sure that was one of my issues in our marriage, I was critical.

-I have to keep in mind that nothing really has changed except for knowing more of the truth than previously. I hate that he continues to lie to me and to everyone (including himself, to some degree). When I really think about it rationally, that speaks more about him than about me.

-I am hoping to get to a point where every detail doesn't bother me, so that is something I plan to work on w/ IC. Glad our first real family holiday without H is behind us now. Yesterday was really hard. Feeling stronger as today has gone on. (Swollen eyes aren't attractive though.)

-I am still trying to rationalize this situation (Hurt Wife). I can't figure out why H doesn't see that we are married and marriage isn't always easy, you have to work at it. Also still trying to understand why I can't fix this. I have a LONG way to go on this. Clearly will be talking to IC about this, too.

-I am still working on my daily mission. I think if I could get these kids healthier, life would be a bit easier. I really hope that D8's health issues are more mild in nature than I am believing them to be. That would certainly help. Also hoping that the warmer weather will help get these kids to a place of good health for a change! But for now, my daily missions have consisted of calling doctors, specialists, running to different pharmacies, etc. I would like to concentrate on something other than H or kids' poor health. (Gosh, that last one made me feel a bit guilty.)

-Still trying to swim and drag the kids along with me (poor kids). I saw that someone on these boards was writing herself little empowering notes and keeping them in her pocket. I think I may have to try that too!

-I also feel like I've been dealt a pile of crap and it makes me angry (as I'm sure it does everyone). I think that anger is probably paralyzing me at this point and I expect my higher power to fix this. And why hasn't my higher power fixed this yet. And how much longer until my higher power fixes this, etc, etc, etc. Perhaps yesterday's tears will help me realize that this has nothing to do with God and that I need to do what I can for me and my kids. I also think I am paralyzed with trying to understand what happened. H's spew and venom still don't make a lot of sense to me as the real reason for leaving our family. Maybe that's why I'm stuck.

WOW, this has really turned into major notes for my next IC visit!

Thanks so much Adinva, your post really has me thinking and focusing on what needs to be done. Clearly I needed this!

Easter was hard, but I had my parents, brothers, & SIL (along with my kids & niece & nephew) to help me get through the day. So hard - yes, support and comfort from my family - yes!

I'm working on getting caught up on your sitch, but what I've read so far sounds so much like what's happening over here. It seems so odd to me that marriage and the promises made become so unimportant to the WAS's. I really wonder how they got that way.

Thanks so much for your very kind words about how I'm parenting, that is the one thing I am trying to concentrate on. I know that you will come up with something brilliant to say to your boys when you need to, I just wish you didn't have to.

PS - Sorry for the very long post!

[finding nemo]

WARNING, VENT to follow

So not doing OK- just received another text from H. Why can he not just leave me alone?!!! He e-mails and texts plenty of times a day. When we were "happily" married he didn't text/e-mail this much! And his venom is just too much, along with claims that I'm keeping his children from him, that I'm spending all his money, that we should get a mediator, etc. - it's all about what he wants and how he wants to control everything. All I ever write back is politeness and ignore his ugliness and lies. I just want him to leave me alone.

His e-mails/texts are never emergencies, just his way of communicating with me now (along with trying to control everything). It feels like he's emassing these to give to his attorney and say, "look, she's not disputing". I am trying so hard to not engage in his crap, it's just so difficult when he just outright lies. Aaaaaah!!