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#2233674 03/27/12 03:01 PM
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 81
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Posts: 81
Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, lives w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need some space to think): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved Out: 2/12/12

OK, so this is my first post but I've been lurking for several weeks. I have really found lots of comfort from so many of your stories, thank you.

I guess I should start with my title - it's what I've told the kids we're doing. I asked them if you saw a tidal wave coming what are your choices - they said to run or drown. I said you could do that, but you could also swim through the wave. So, the wave is just like our problems, either let them push you down and drown you, run away from them, or work through them. We're going to work through them.

My story appears to be typical with just a few twists, like everyone. I believe my H started going through a MLC at some point 5 (ish) years ago, a few months before he turned 40. He probably would have been done with his MLC if it had not been for his mother's death about 6 months later (after having suffered with Parkinson's for 15-20 years). He had just started to come out of his mourning about 2 years later, we both had mentioned it. Within 2 months of that, his father had been admitted to the hospital and we were receiving multiple phone calls per night about how they revived him several times. We live 3-4 hours away, so I booked a flight the first morning for him to go up and be by his dad's side. He spent the next 6 months taking care of his parents' house (including paying bills and general upkeep). He stayed at my parents' house, at my insistance so that I knew my mom would make sure he was eating and he wouldn't be all alone. The kids and I travelled up there as many weekends and school vacations that we could. And he would come home as often as he could. Unfortunately, his dad died about 5 months later (this July will be the 2 year anniversary). His parents' house has been on the market for over 18 months, so we've been paying the bills on it for almost the last year. (Close to 20K at this point.)

I mention these events because I don't think he's had time to process all that he's gone through. H has 2 older brothers who both live fairly close to where my in-laws lived. Neither brother has significantly helped out with the estate, they leave all the responsibilities to my H. In fact, the middle brother (who'll be 49 this summer) can barely take care of himself, so my H has stepped in to help him as well. H has said that he is an orphan and all alone, I have reassured him that he is not alone, that he has me and his children. However, those discussions are long gone, now replaced with the new theme of I am the worst wife & mother and have cause him misery over the entire time we've been together. I also don't support him, he's never loved me, I tricked him into marrying me, and I pressured him to get engaged, plus a whole bunch of other things that I find to be either minor issues or complete craziness. (One example is I don't bring him iced tea when he's mowing the lawn. I have when he's asked, but I'm supposed to be a mind reader, too.)

Anyhow, he has his own apartment and I've heard many rumors about OW - eventhough he completely denies it and says that this is all my fault, H has done nothing to get us where we are. I feel like I'm in this awful nightmare and just keep waiting to wake up. I am on AD, see an IC, am taking sleeping pills (I was getting less than 3 hours sleep a night), and have an attorney. Did I mention, I don't want this?? I think our problems are a matter of perspective and after 17 years of marriage, 3 kids, dog, parents dying, work issues, me being a SAHM, etc., etc., etc. - I think it just would be a matter of tweaking to correct what's wrong and then be happy again.

Now I'm being accused of stealing money from our joint account and spending like crazy. He's NUTS!! I know that I didn't leave the house for the month of February (except trying to get the kids to their activities). So I know that my expenses have been quite small. March is a different story, but I know I haven't been going hog-wild either. I've been buying groceries, taking my kids to their activities, and buying things that he's taken for his apartment without telling me they're gone (for instance, I have no iron, ironing board or tools). But you should see his beautiful apartment with new couch, huge TV, Blueray, etc., etc., etc.

OK, I guess I should stop typing now or no one will ever read this. I just would like to add that I have been reading DB & DR and have been trying to remember that time is on my side, but things seem to be progressing very quickly. We haven't even been separated for 2 months yet and he is pushing to be divorced. Any words of wisdom?


Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved out: 2/12/12
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Welcome to the board.

DIVORCE = SPACE

He is asking for SPACE, give it to him.
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he say and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.


Me-70, D37,S36
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I hear you. My h. of 17 years is gone too. He's been friendly about it. But we are getting into the final stages of property settlement. So we will see how that goes. Come here often, and you will find alot of help and comfort. These people will become your friends, believe me!

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Thanks so much Cadet & Hopeless for the posts.

We haven't even been separated for 2 months and he is pushing for legal mediation (he's trying to save money). I am feeling like time is not on my side, but keep trying to stay positive.

I have accomplished some mini-goals when we interact:
1) Always look good
2) Stop crying in front of him (3 times so far)
3) Stop arguing with him (2 times so far)
4) Disappear when he visits the kids (once)
5) Act as if we're having a pleasant conversation (once)

Would love to be able to GAL, but H isn't seeing our kids regularly (only about 6 hours a week and not regular days). I feel funny about leaving my kids right now, they seem more fragile as time goes on and I become more aware of their pain instead of my own. Also, I'm a SAHM and have 3 very active kids - we are usually running every night of the week with different afterschool activities. However, I am trying to plan fun things to do with the kids that are low cost or no cost since I've been essentially cut off financially.

I'm just not sure what path I am to take at this point. I'm reading DR but I think my situation is dire since I really do believe H is in a full-blown MLC and seems to be on the divorce express train. I just don't know if he'll ever come out of this fog and I do not know if I want to be married to this "new" person.

Does anyone have any ideas how to speed along their spouse's MLC and bring them back to reality - ie that they are almost 45, married and a parent?


Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved out: 2/12/12
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 81
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Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 81
I would like to add that being on moderation is stinky!! It's taking FOREVER to get any of my posts to show up!


Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved out: 2/12/12
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 81
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Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 81
WHOA - my posts are finally showing up!! HOORAY!! smile


Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved out: 2/12/12
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 285
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Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 285
Thanks for your post on my thread. So tired tonite, in the middle of intense financial crap, seeing a new lawyer tommorrow.I really want to read your thread and see where you are. Looks like you are new to this too, Will look for you. Take care, I feel this place is saving my sanity. You get to feel the love.

Joined: Nov 2011
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Originally Posted By: finding nemo

Would love to be able to GAL, but H isn't seeing our kids regularly (only about 6 hours a week and not regular days). I feel funny about leaving my kids right now, they seem more fragile as time goes on and I become more aware of their pain instead of my own. Also, I'm a SAHM and have 3 very active kids - we are usually running every night of the week with different afterschool activities. However, I am trying to plan fun things to do with the kids that are low cost or no cost since I've been essentially cut off financially.
Why is this?

Do you have a L? A separation agreement? He may leave you but the children are still a shared responsibility. Don't think that by shortchanging your children he will come back. It is a good thing to protect yourself and your children. There are consequences to his choices and while it's not up to you to mete those out, it's also not your place to protect him from them.

Quote:
I'm just not sure what path I am to take at this point. I'm reading DR but I think my situation is dire since I really do believe H is in a full-blown MLC and seems to be on the divorce express train. I just don't know if he'll ever come out of this fog and I do not know if I want to be married to this "new" person.

Does anyone have any ideas how to speed along their spouse's MLC and bring them back to reality - ie that they are almost 45, married and a parent?

There is no way to speed up anyone making changes, except for yourself. He will do what he will do.

What is your course going to be?

Who do you want to be?

How can you protect yourself and the children?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Thanks for your post, Hopeless.

I think I'm trying to avoid the financial crap, which isn't helping my psyche right now.

H came over last night (for less than 2 hours) to see the kids. However, he spent less than 10 minutes with 2 of them and the rest of the time w/ 1 of them.

He seemed in a fairly good mood and was willing to give me more money than I asked him for (groceries, tutor, karate, etc.). It really throws me when he's nice to me. I had to leave and run over to my friend's house so I could get away from this insanity that he's bringing to my life.

I am hoping that if I continue to DB and read the boards that I will gain more sanity and strength.

Thanks so much!


Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved out: 2/12/12
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 81
F
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OP Offline
Member
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Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 81
Thanks for your post LAbug. I've been thinking (and reflecting) about what you wrote. (I haven't been able to figure out how to just copy a section of a post, but eventually I know I'll be able to - sorry about that.)

I have a L, but no separation agreement. H is paying everything for the house & the kids, if I provide receipts (which is fair). Up until last night, I thought he was being more strict, but his position seems to have softened a bit, so I feel a little better about my immediate financial position. My L has instructed that if I am still standing for my marriage, as long as the finances are "fair" I shouldn't fight legally yet.

H has truly not been a co-parent for a long while. H has distanced himself from the regular goings-on of life here and that is partly my fault. However, that has been the easiest part of this process for me - I am no longer responsible for his relationships with his children, since I was "fired" as his wife and partner. Today I gave him news about S14 & D8, both of whom have been sick since he chose to leave. S14 has had his 4th sinus infection (only been off antibiotic for 2 weeks) & D8 can't kick a UTI (she's on her 3rd dose of antibiotic). D8 is now scheduled to see a pediatric surgeon since the pediatrician doesn't believe her UTI is viral based, but anatomical. E-mailed H and his response was "Geez sorry to hear bout the health stuff." REALLY?!!!

H is just too busy (so he says) for visiting the kids. H has taken the kids 1 night and has called them 1 time (I timed it, 5 minutes total to speak with all 3 kids and then quizzed them about what Mommy was doing). There has only been one weekend where I said the kids had plans and the one time he took them overnight, I asked him to show up a little later because my dad had come over for dinner. It makes it hard on my kids because they know he's not doing what he's promised to them. How do I get H to understand that he's hurting my kids when I've already told him in many different ways? H just doesn't seem to care about any of his repercussions.

The worst part about the kids, and I'm sure all LBS's have to deal with this in some way with their kids, the kids don't want to show my H their true feelings. The first lesson they learned from this experience is that if things are difficult or not perfect, daddy leaves. So, they act absolutely perfect and try to be as happy as they can so he'll stick around. My D8 can't take the pressure, she's been having awful nightmares and extremem temper tantrums (totally unlike her). D10 cries all the time. S14's grades are dropping drastically. (Not to mention their failing health.)

Not sure what my course is going to be.

I know I want to continue to be a good parent (some days that's easier than others) and I want to do my best to engage each of my kids on their level every day.

I'm trying hard to do 180's with my H by being less available to him and a bit mysterious along with doing my best to be nice (even when I don't feel like it). I am trying to detach, but it doesn't seem to be going smoothly - I feel a bit obsessed with this situation and how to fix it. As I see it, there are some easy fixes to be made and viola - a new, happy and loving relationship would emerge!

Legally, I'm trying not to make any more sudden moves. (After a fight 2 weeks ago I charged $10K to our credit cards for my attorney's retainer. Which was the straw that broke the camel's back about the finances.) My L knows I do NOT want a divorce and has been guiding me well so far. I like my L, and do really trust him with my best interests (along with my kids).

OMG - this is super long! I hope I was able to address your questions. I think as time goes on, I will definitely learn more about myself and what I want. For now, I just want the man I married to return to me. This new rendition of H is just waaaaaaay too self-absorbed.

Thanks for your post and your insights!


Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved out: 2/12/12
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