Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
labug #2240193 04/23/12 09:34 PM
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
~
Member
Offline
Member
~
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
bug brought the question here but didn't see that so answered with my version in SIW's thread...

otherwise I felt you had good answers to the questions. Head's on straight and all that...

Like with SIW though and others... your spouse is asking you to move out because she WANTS SPACE...

what that means is... what ever is going on in the home... no matter how much you feel you ARE giving her space... she doesn't feel it...

stay... and she may resent you for it... especially if she continues to feel smothered and not having space...

choice is yours, of course...

You sound well detached... if you feel comfortable and are 100% committed to LISTENING and not reacting in a conversation...

how about asking your W about what she would need from you, in order for her to feel like you are giving her space, while still living under the same roof...

if you are going to stay, regardless... then your really have to figure out how to be her room mate... 'cause I'm guessing that's what it will take...

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
Hi SS

That a no-brainer :...a night out in London, and a free stop-over using my hotel reward points grin


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
Originally Posted By: isittoolate
I decided to list all her complaints about me from down the years...these are the ones i can remember that relate to R:

I made her feel 'so lonely – for so long'

I didn’t tell her I loved her – only after she said it to me

I didn’t make her ‘feel special’ after I had been away (I work away approx 100 nights a year)

I didn’t make a fuss of her especially at the weekends

I was always passive/aggressive after she had complained about something I had done/not done - **FIXED**

I denied things were going wrong – blaming ‘modern life’ ‘having kids’ etc – invalidated her feelings. ** FIXED Now, I accept the blame and try to always validate her feelings**

I didn’t look after myself – putting on 25Ibs in 4 years. **FIXED*I have lost 20Ibs over last 3 years

I stopped caring about the way I looked (clothes etc)** FIXED**

I stopped having a social life with or without W **FIXED except me and W never go out together

I was miserable and not nice to be with. **FIXED**

I didnt do enough with the kids **FIXED but could still do better**


Originally Posted By: isittoolate
I decided to list all her complaints about me from down the years...these are the ones i can remember that relate to R:

I made her feel 'so lonely – for so long'

I didn’t tell her I loved her – only after she said it to me

I didn’t make her ‘feel special’ after I had been away (I work away approx 100 nights a year)

I didn’t make a fuss of her especially at the weekends

I was always passive/aggressive after she had complained about something I had done/not done - **FIXED**

I denied things were going wrong – blaming ‘modern life’ ‘having kids’ etc – invalidated her feelings. ** FIXED Now, I accept the blame and try to always validate her feelings**

I didn’t look after myself – putting on 25Ibs in 4 years. **FIXED*I have lost 20Ibs over last 3 years

I stopped caring about the way I looked (clothes etc)** FIXED**

I stopped having a social life with or without W **FIXED except me and W never go out together

I was miserable and not nice to be with. **FIXED**

I didnt do enough with the kids **FIXED but could still do better**


I remembered 2 more compaints by W.

I would belittle/put down her opinions on politics/world affairs

I am a TV snob

I like to read/watch currant affairs/politics and although I an not politically active I read about it everyday. W's life is 80% about work and the kids and relaxing by watching IMO 'crap' TV and reading crime novels and a lot of chick lit stuff. She also likes to watch a lot of reality TV like X Factor

She is right I am a bit of a snob when it comes to TV, I hate Desparate Housewives, she loves it. Most evening after the kids were in bed we would get a few hours watching TV but it was always what she wanted to watch, and I resented it in a passive/aggressive way.

I am now past the TV snobbery thing, I have willingly dropped to her 'level', but also try to rent a quality movie at the weekends to fulfill my needs.

As regards the politics thing. If she voiced an opinion and I thought it was ill informed (usually I thought she had read enough about the topic) I usually scoffed at her opinion and chimed in with my own. This my her feel small and belittled.

I am trying to change my behaviour and listen more to her opinion


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,219
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,219
hi iitl, i, like you, have been interested in politics. however, i found the it made me more cynical and bitter (and angry), not good for our relationship.

my H would pull away from me when i would start to go on about politics and what i found wrong with the world. he would just see it as another angry part of me.

so, now i stay away from it all. the world will continue on without me watching over it. i'm letting go of it...


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
Hi SS

W and I are on the same side of the political spectrum, so many things we agree on.

Its just that before kids, when she had more time, and when we had more QT together we would talk more about the political/world issues of the time. Maybe she did it as 'lovers' do...entertain and engage the lovers interests...but as the humdrum pace of married life take over...those interests wane.

I also have no outlet at work to discuss politics etc over the 'watercooler'. I work with customers all day, usually without colleagues - not good to discuss politics!

Anyway the upshot was me belittling her ill-informed opinions..but not anymore...


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
We are over halfway through the 3/4 weeks of separation.

It has given me space to read, read, read these threads and books to get my head in order, and to plan a strategy.

I have also tried to look back at the triggers for any negativity she has shown towards at various stages, since the first bomb in November.

NB we rarely argue, rarely talk about the R (only when the Pressure she feels builds to a crescendo) and throughout she has given me no indication that she is willing to work on the marriage.

Prebomb - for approx. 3 months – she became very cold, distant uncommunicative towards me , I couldn’t even hold her hand …PRESSURE was building, TENSION was building, Tick, Tock ,Tick, Tock

She then says ‘ I am making you unhappy aren’t I’ ….I said ‘yes’…. she said ‘I think we should separate (AKA The bomb)…then we had big R talk culminating with me agreeing to move out but she says I can stay until after Christmas until end of Jan ‘to find a place’

Nov 11 – Early Jan – After a few days of panic I start to DB – but the negativity towards me evaporates…the PRESSURE on her to ask/tell me to separate has GONE. She is pleasant towards me again.

Early Jan – I ask her to give me a date to move out (a stupid ultimatum that I shouldn’t have asked for) – she complains that she has ‘to make the decision all over again’ (split up the family) and its harder this time (because of my DBing)

Mid-Jan – LateFeb – I continue to DB and things are quiet but she will not work on marriage.
Then she reads a sample of a book that she thinks is on my Kindle (she actually read a sample from the wrong book). The book does a lot of damage. The section she read was all about how a H should just work towards making his W happy – whatever it takes!! …..not at all what MWD advocates!

LateFeb – Mid March – she starts to go cold, distant uncommunicative again but this time she is having a hard time at work.. PRESSURE is building on several fronts …WORK and HOME….several times she is in tears talking about the problems in work …she says ‘ I cant go on like this’ ‘I’m having a nervous breakdown’ etc. Again she asks ‘if I am happy’…this time I said ‘yes’….it completely throws her…she doesn’t know what to say or do….

Late March – Easter she starts to organise a trip to her ILs and a night out (40th) with mutual friends without me…I get upset and she explains that she doesn’t want ME to be there (interpretation…she wants to relax without PRESSURE, she wants space when she is relaxing)

TENSION continues to build and so the second bomb arrives (I was expecting it) and I say ‘Yes’ …I will move out…..to release the PRESSURE, give her space, get rid of the tension…..and of course the TENSION bubble bursts, she is nice to me, pleasant, fun to be with…. NO MORE PRESSURE, she will be getting space….

But I don’t like the reality of it…..after looking at apartments I see the minimum is a 6 month let and it is impossible to get a short term let where we live so I engineer a 4 week separation, and tell her that I will be working away for 3 weeks and living in a cottage at the weekends.

The Second bomb was on 27th March…..I gave her my date for moving AND details of the accommodation I would be staying in on 1st April……I moved out on 9th April.

Incidentally,at the second bomb talk and when I gave her details of my moving out she was more upset than me…Crying etc …I was calm,collected , she even thanked me for it!... I tried to reason but didn’t beg or plead or cry.

Each Friday I go home to see the kids and wash my clothes and get some more stuff for the next week.

She cooks, we talk, the kids are put to bed and I head off to the holiday cottage. The talks are good with no negativity and no R talk….and she hasn’t asked me what I will be doing on May 4th.

She has the SPACE she craved for…but I move back in on 4th May…she knows it and I know it.

Tension will build, Pressure will build...but i have a strategy, a plan. I now know for the first time that I am in control of my own DESTINY. I am happy, she cant hurt me.


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
My work schedule has changed and it looks like I will be moving back home on 2nd May....so only 7 sleeps to go :-)


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
This is the Plan:

To handle any confrontation Re: me moving back in with dignity and respect.

It is possible she will accuse me of backsliding on a promise to separate…….it is also highly likely she will ask me to sleep in the spare bedroom but I can handle that but:

QUESTION: I would like to share the bed with W….we always have up until 9th April…..How should I approach this if she is dead set against it.

My strategy Re: moving back in is to say that I am doing what is best for me and the boys and it is up to her to work through her issues.

For ME: I will continue my 180s but also add to them: I want to start to do bedtime with the kids every night that I am home. It is difficult when I return home after a week away as W and the kids have a set routine and I feel excluded….I will ask to be included.

I will try to go out (GAL) at least one evening at the weekends (as well as continue to GAL with running club). I am trying to organise nights out with new friends…the next 3 weekends are all planned.

I will make myself busy in the evenings doing DIY jobs; sorting through junk in garage (Ebay); and gardening now that the evenings are lighter; also exercising or stretching – I will try to give her SPACE in the evenings which is the main time we are together without kids.

Rem: I don’t see her in the mornings except weekends…..so the only QT we have together without kids is 8 – 10pm in the evenings (she goes to bed very early as she starts at 6am)…and weekends.

I will continue to detach and work on me:

I will try to be like the man she married:

To be like a man that she would like to date,

To show good humour, be easy going, and even tempered,

Show NO passive/aggressive behaviour, No resentment, NO blaming, NO expectations

If she goes cold I will confront it, I will ask for respect

Note for MYSELF:

I don’t need to act happy anymore…I am happy…

If she goes cold, frosty, distant , uncommunicative ….it will not get to me,

I will not resent it,

I will be happy,

She can stew in her own juice….

If she wants SPACE….NO PRESSURE…then I will ask her how I can give her the space she requires whilst living under one roof…

Tx for that one Kaffe D


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
Feeling a little terrfified.

Today I travel home and see w and kids for the first time since Sunday. Will she bring up next Wednesday (moving back in day)...if she doesn't then i will have to bring it up at least by Sunday.

I will see w and kids for a couple of hours then I will have to leave early because I am going out :-)...she doesn't know yet :-)

Saturday dont know if will see them...but i dont plan to and have things to do.

Sunday i have to pick up a workstation to take to a congress later that afternoon (work stuff). I need to go round to the house at 9am...sort some stuff...then I am going on a long run with the club (half marathon!)...then i will shower and change at house and leave to go to Congress.

Lets see what happens....


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Page 6 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard