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As well as reading MWD’s DB and DR,over and over again, I have read/reading other books like:

(*)
Men are from Mars…
I Need your love – Is that True?

But one other book that I keep re-reading is (*)

It overlaps with MWD philosophy but is more of a list of Do’s and Donts …. importantly it is aimed specifically at getting the WAS to work on the marriage first. Nothing else you do really matters until the WAS wants to reengage with you and work on the marriage.

(*) writes that you have to agree to everything the WAS wants to get rid of the negative feelings towards you. Only then will any good feelings return and the WAS work on the marriage. It is totally counter-intuitive and very similar to MWD’s 180’s and LRT methodology.

So in my case my strategy is as follows: Agree to separation, and move out.

Back in November I was asked to move out and given until Jan to find a place. Within days I was DBing and found it bought me time but also the tension and frostiness between us melted away and we had a good Xmas. Of course it didn’t last as W realised I wasn’t going to leave and although she could see I was a changed, better person she still wanted us to separate. Tension, frostiness, returned and although I acted ‘As if’ and outwardly was happy she still wanted to separate. She still did not want to work on our marriage negative feelings had become dominant again.

So after the last big R conversation, I have done a huge 180 and agreed to move out. Within a day her negative feelings towards me vanished and each day has been better than the last. Over the last few days when we have both been on vacation at home, it has been very good, with family outings to the movies, theatre and park….. and W grooming me! One day my nails, the next my eyebrows and hair!! I gave her a foot massage last night, something she really loves. Back in Dec and Jan she wanted/accepted foot massages but refused them in Feb when her negative feelings returned.

In short, we have had fun and laughter in the house.

So next I have to LRT – not go dark just LRT – Dont pursue and do not initiate contact. Will she miss the new me?...we shall see.

Whilst LRTing I will work on me, something both MWD and (*) say is very important. GALing is a bit more difficult as I am away from my hometown midweek and will be having the kids at the weekend but I have a few ideas to try.

Our marriage was very wrong up until November and I gave W no reason to be with me anymore – hopefully the last 5 months have given her a reminder of the person she fell in love with and with the banishment of all negative feelings – a reason to work on our marriage. She knows I care but does SHE care enough.



(*) edited by dbmod to add: these particular references are not recommended nor allowed.

Last edited by dbmod; 04/12/12 12:26 AM.

Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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I think you are going to discover she has a plan (that does not include you or the MR), and it will kick into high gear the minute she has you out of the house. Separation is not the answer to working out the problems. You better brace yourself for the worst, once you leave.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2238050 04/15/12 08:42 PM
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Hi Sandi2
I appreciate your wealth of experience of DBing so didnt want to reply to your 'negative' viewpoint for a few days.i wanted to see what happened first. I know that you dont mean to be negative - just realistic and to get me to have zero expectations....:-)

The last week has been extremely difficult on my emotions (and hers to a certain extent)

Monday (my last day) was an awkward day with me packing more than my usual stuff for a business trip and also packing a bag for me to pick up on my Friday return...to go stay at a 'holiday cottage' for the weekend. One good point was she asked for a shoulder rub last thing on Monday and on Tuesday rang me within a few hours to see 'if I'd arrived safely' in Edinburgh - something she never does.

For the rest of the week, I didnt email or text her and rang once to say goodnight to the kids. We had a small pleasant 5 min conversation - small talk, happy talk.

Friday saw my return. I spent 2 hours at home before driving to my 'holiday cottage'. Again the conversation was not forced but good, pleasant and varied. I surprised her a little by saying I was going on a hike with a walking group on Sunday, so couldnt have the kids and would be in fact be returning them to her at 9am on Sunday morning. She was going out with the 'girls' on Saturday afternoon (theatre) and Saturday evening (drinks and niteclub). Again she seemed a little emotional as I packed my stuff for the weekend. We also had another brief hug as I left.

Saturday - she dropped the kids off and I was a little cold with her (I know I should have acted 'As if' but I hadnt had much sleep)I had a good day with the kids who dont yet understand what is happening just yet - they were having a sleepover at daddy's holiday cottage.

On Sunday - I dropped the kids back with W. The W had a severe hangover and S4 trapped his fingers in a door so things were a little fraught as I left to go on the hike. In fact I felt very upset to leave as S4 was still crying when I left.

I enjoyed my hike and GALing but wanted to return to W's afterwards because of the nature of my leaving earlier in the day. I rang W - she said yes. Again, there was good conversation
and we even talked about arranging a day out to an Amusement Park with the kids (S7 is obsessed with rollercoasters!)...we agreed on 1st June.

I was pleased with myself for not pursuing or seeking reassurance
I wanted to ask if her girlfriends had noticed the absence of wedding ring,had she spoken to her girlfriends re: separation etc etc....BUT I didnt ASK!...it was small talk, happy talk, small talk, happy talk! I also politely refused dinner and didnt linger before leaving.

and lastly I got this text whilst writing this.

Hi xxx hope you are ok and not feeling too down. Have a good week and I'll see you Friday. X

This is the first text to include a 'x' since January - which was also the last time she didnt have negative feeling towards me. In fact, I am not feeling down and I think SHE is. Probably she is v tired and feeling 'alcoholic remorse' - remorse after binge drinking the night before - she has shown this behaviour before - anyway , to me it is progress.....small changes etc!!


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
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Negative vp? I am trying to tell you not to separate from your W! I am trying to warn you that that could be the wrong step to make.......before you do it.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2238154 04/16/12 07:11 AM
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Hi Sandi

Negative was the wrong word, warning the right word, apologies to you.

I dont have all the answers, but i know that these 3 weeks are giving W some time and space to think about what she wants, with the reality of sharing children, little to no help around the house, a full time job and two kids and a lot less money.

It could be a bad move on my part but I do have no option at the moment but to move back home on the 2nd May as I have nowhere else to go (except hotel). She knows that and hasn't brought up the subject (yet) of what happens after 2nd May.

The next two weekends I will see her and the kids only on Friday evening, and only for an hour or so. She has her ILs visiting on Saturday/Sunday - I will be out GALing.


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
Its Day 10 of temporary separation and I am feeling very anxious.
Living in Hotels and temporary accommodation is driving me nuts.

My mind is on hyperdrive re: have I done the right thing and what is she thinking. What will happen in 12 days time when i move back in, will she want separate beds? will she go cold, will she demand i move out on a permanent basis? what if I say no!

Last night had first contact with W since she texted me on Sunday. She rang me but put kids on phone to say hello, then we had a brief small talk, happy talk conversation about our respective weeks and then a little about Friday when I am scheduled to return home for a few hours to see kids. She was upbeat, i was upbeat.

I'm glad i held out until she contacted me.....though later I texted her about a funny sitch in the hotel - nothing about us or R - I guess it was just one text and I shouldn't worry about such tiny details

The thoughts that drive me nuts revolve around why she is not willing to work on the marriage. I jump on every small sign that she is missing me /regretting separation to give myself hope...and then my emotions swing the other way (despair/anger/resentment) when she doen't contact me for 3 days.

From my perspective our marriage is not very broken....I know its stupid to say this but I have to get it out on the forum as I have no one else to vent to. I would never say this to W.

We dont argue or fight, we respect each other, have no history of abuse, OM/OW etc and i know she at least cares a little for me (even if its just sympathy/guilt for my situation and her splitting family)

If she was willing to work on marriage, I truly believe that our marriage would be better than it has been ever been.

I know that what i think doesn't count for a lot, its what she thinks that counts

PS missing kids and my home and will only get to see them for a couple of hours this weekend.


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
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Thought I would list my 180s for the last 5 months:

Doing a lot more cooking
Doing more with kids - playing and going places
No Cave, no sulking
Any conflicts (we have very few) I resolve without going into cave - feeling resentful etc
No more passive/aggressive behaviour!! - BIG one for me
Listening a lot more, and empathising
Keeping things tidy around house
I try to shave every day including weekends
Recycle properly - she used to nag me about it
Close doors after me - especially in winter
no more floordrobe - floordrobe = putting clothes in heap by bed

and latterly: I said yes to temporary separation after holding out for 5 months. This is the one 180 she has responded the most to.


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
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now a list of GALs

Joined running club to reignite an old passion of mine - running - I was quite good at it 10 years ago. this is a big one and takes much of my spare time.

Going on nights out with running club and others - 3 times since Christmas. I need to go out more than this if possible

I also go out with work colleagues sometimes (meals) when working away from home.

Went on walk with hiking club.


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
I
Member
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I decided to list all her complaints about me from down the years...these are the ones i can remember that relate to R:

I made her feel 'so lonely – for so long'

I didn’t tell her I loved her – only after she said it to me

I didn’t make her ‘feel special’ after I had been away (I work away approx 100 nights a year)

I didn’t make a fuss of her especially at the weekends

I was always passive/aggressive after she had complained about something I had done/not done - **FIXED**

I denied things were going wrong – blaming ‘modern life’ ‘having kids’ etc – invalidated her feelings. ** FIXED Now, I accept the blame and try to always validate her feelings**

I didn’t look after myself – putting on 25Ibs in 4 years. **FIXED*I have lost 20Ibs over last 3 years

I stopped caring about the way I looked (clothes etc)** FIXED**

I stopped having a social life with or without W **FIXED except me and W never go out together

I was miserable and not nice to be with. **FIXED**

I didnt do enough with the kids **FIXED but could still do better**


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
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Interesting list of "complaints"...

You see a list of items to be fixed...

I see a theme...

Do you?

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