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I need to butt heads w/someone today, anyhow. I'm crabby. LoL


Me-46, D-21, S15, S13

After many years w/my head in the sand...
I FILED
Divorced 6/2011

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
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I understand what you are saying and where you are coming from Kaffe. There are some behaviors that are destructive and unhealthy that he will not give up. It is a boundary issue and I need to hold firm to it for the safety of myself and the boys. Trust me I don't take this lightly as I have been down this road before and know how hard it is. I really do appreciate your feedback, its good to hear.


-Autumn

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smile Wel, I can be your butt head... lol!

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Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem

I truly believe that is where everyone's mind should be when they file.

I am quite certain that is what Autumn is thinking...

I just want to be sure...


Yes, I am quite certain. This M is unhealthy for all involved and quite over. I think he believes that too based on some exchanges via email.


-Autumn

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Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
smile

I figured as much.

I never have read through your sitch, Starsky.

From as I read your description above, you actually did believe that your M was done. No matter how emotional it was... how much you did not want it... how much you may have been emotionally on both sides of the fence...

You actually believed... BELIEVED... that your M was about to end in a D...

I truly believe that is where everyone's mind should be when they file.

I am quite certain that is what Autumn is thinking...

I just want to be sure...

One can't really live... unless they know they are truly... already dead...

cool


[edited by dbmod: outside links are not allowed]



You reminded me of that very powerful scene from that movie. I have seen it said that the "You're Already Dead" -- along with "The Stockdale Paradox" -- is actually the kind of place you have to get to, emotionally, in order to successfully fight for a marriage torn by infidelity and/or other forms of abuse.

I think I'd agree with that.


Starsky[i][/i]

Last edited by dbmod; 04/17/12 02:33 AM.

M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Wow powerful clip, thanks Starsky!


-Autumn

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smile

Yup, and that's exactly where my head is at for my sitch.

Maybe it is just me, this thread looks like D as a threat... or any of this... to an outsider... perhaps a newbie... could be perceived as a tactic...

"oh look, so and so threatened D and that worked. I should threaten D..."

I support you in your path Autumn, because it is the same as mine in that regard.

In my case, my W continues to interfere in my life, telling me what to do and how to do it and when to do it...

I can have no expectations, but there is a pattern... and patterns have a tendency to repeat themselves...

Unfortunately... until the pattern is stopped by the individual who is in control of it... it will continue... even if we D...

D will not stop your H's patterns...

Only YOU can stop being affected by those patterns...

protect yourself... I did...

But I have not filed D, yet...

I will only do that when I am ready... when there is a reason for me to do so...

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Originally Posted By: Autumn Leaves
Wow powerful clip, thanks Starsky!



Thanks.


Here's the Stockdale Paradox, which I like even better for DBing, because it captures my own blend of optimism and no-nonsense approach:


Stockdale then added:

"This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Stockdale


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
smile

Yup, and that's exactly where my head is at for my sitch.

Maybe it is just me, this thread looks like D as a threat... or any of this... to an outsider... perhaps a newbie... could be perceived as a tactic...

"oh look, so and so threatened D and that worked. I should threaten D..."



I do think maybe this is "just you," Kaffe -- maybe your own triggers at work here? You wouldn't be the first. I would never, EVER suggest something as serious as filing for a divorce to be used as a tactic or even a strategy. I happen to take the Biblican view of wedding vows, for one thing, and that would never allow me to suggest such a thing.

I do hope I've cleared up my position on this.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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uggg- - "Biblical." Darned can't-edit feature!!! mad


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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