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#2203267 - 12/05/11 10:43 AM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: isittoolate]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5177
Originally Posted By: isittoolate

We haven't discussed the R for 8 days now, and I have managed to keep an even mood on the exterior and to move forward on the interior. It all feels slightly surreal, as if everything is hunky-dory in the world,,, except no intimacy between us!
Please keep your EXPECTATIONS LOW or at zero.

She is in CONTROL of your relationship right now.
Remember that DIVORCE is a codeword for SPACE.
Do not pursue her and let her control how much SPACE she needs.
Keep working on YOU!
_________________________
Me-60, D27,S26

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#2219588 - 02/07/12 12:57 PM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: isittoolate]
isittoolate Offline
Member

Registered: 11/17/11
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
I thought I would post an update as it is nearly two months on since my last post and 3 months since the bomb.

I am still in the house sharing a bed with w but progress is very slow.

For the first two weeks my mood and reactions were as posted above and in hindsight I was guilty of a little too much pursuing and wanting to talk about the R and future (though we only had one big debate). She admitted to seeing some change in me and the R but didn’t really cut me any slack in terms of us having a future together. She thought I was only doing it to win her back. I concentrated on my 180s and GALs and read a lot and put together an action plan.

Christmas passed quite well given the circumstances and so we entered the New Year. In early January my anxiety got the better of me and I basically asked her to decide when she wanted me to leave (or not) as I felt like I had an execution hanging over me (Rem: back in Nov she had said I could stay till mid–end Jan). She cried and admitted it was harder ….I was asking her to make the same decision she had made in November all over again except this time it was even harder for her as I had changed (a little? or a lot? she did not say).
So it is now another month on and she still hasn’t asked me to leave and we are still talking and communicating better than we have for years…..but the elephant is still in the room! I am trying to do what works; be happy; implement 180s; no backsliding etc. Nevertheless, the pressure in the R is slowly building towards a decision as she knows this sitch cannot continue indefinitely.

So what about me. I am coping pretty well and have implemented quite a few changes. (180s and GAL) I pursue her less and have joined a running club and have been able to go out a few times socially and I take the boys on days out. BUT I do get the impression that she is happy to do things separately. She takes them out one time then me. We don’t do things as a family. I also get the impression that she is happy for me to GAL as she will be less guilty when she finally asks me to leave.

What is to be worked on? More 180s and GALs? ….yes! Less pursuing?...possibly…this is the hardest thing. I want to show her occasionally that I can be romantic/affectionate/caring in a non-pursuing way. I buy flowers for the house, I bought her a card and small gift when she got an important new job last week. I prepare her lunch for work the next day. I don’t seek acknowledgement and try to do it in a very unassuming way.
Another big thing that has become a feature of our relationship since the bomb is foot massage. Over the years she had asked for a foot massage and not got one. Since the bomb I offered her foot massages and she said yes. It is the only intimate contact between us and partly keeps me sane, BUT I know she really enjoys it and now uses it as a barometer for our R and sitch. If I withdraw the foot massage she knows there is something wrong. I want to continue the foot massage but is it too much pursuing…..or should I take it as doing something that works??

Its also important to remember that my job takes me away from home for anything from 2-4 nights per week, so she is very used to me being away for long periods (and not missing me) and then at the weekends she might got out one evening or I might go outanother.

Any comments would be gratefully received asI have no one else to talk to about this.
_________________________
Me 45 W 42
T 11 M 9
S7 S4
Bomb on 11/15/11
2nd Bomb on 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12
Moved back in 4/23/12
W wants to work on US 5/20/12 - Now Piecing!

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#2235665 - 04/05/12 01:57 PM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: isittoolate]
isittoolate Offline
Member

Registered: 11/17/11
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
Update: Another two months have passed but this time the second bomb has arrived.

She finally told me (again) that she wants me to leave the family home and us to separate. It had been coming for weeks. She had become distant, frosty and uncommunicative. Even getting the words out were traumatic for her, she cried a lot probably through guilt at breaking up the family. After some time reasoning with her that things had been improving etc, I agreed to move out as I thought it best to agree with her feelings rather than negate them.

Its been a long 5 months during which her stance has not really moved (not willing to work on the marriage and wants to separate) but I have worked on myself a lot to good effect and she readily admits that I have improved as a person. Gals, 180’s and acting ‘As If’ and generally being a better father to our two boys.

The R had improved through Jan and early Feb but things changed late in February when she saw the title of a book on my Kindle (not DR or DB) and downloaded the sample of another book with the same title and became convinced that all the changes she saw in me were to win her back. In hindsight, she changed overnight and became frosty, distant etc.

So we have agreed to separate and I move out next week.

She is still not willing to work on the marriage and I am convinced that she wants a ‘amicable separation’ with a view to an ‘amicable divorce’ although she has never mentioned divorce! SO I want to try LRT straightaway. I will probably be visiting her and the kids every Friday and she wants me to see them possibly Sunday and midweek if I am not working away.

My job complicates matters as I work away from our hometown most midweeks and return on Friday so she and the kids are used to not seeing me for several days at a time.

I think she will phone me regularly and will ask why I don’t phone her, What do I say? How do I LRT without appearing distant and cold?
_________________________
Me 45 W 42
T 11 M 9
S7 S4
Bomb on 11/15/11
2nd Bomb on 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12
Moved back in 4/23/12
W wants to work on US 5/20/12 - Now Piecing!

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#2235707 - 04/05/12 04:18 PM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: isittoolate]
isittoolate Offline
Member

Registered: 11/17/11
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
I've been reading various threads this afternoon and confess to being a little confused as to what to do.

The W asked me to move out and for us to start a trial separation. It had been coming for weeks. She had become distant, frosty and uncommunicative. Even getting the words out were traumatic for her, she cried a lot probably through guilt at breaking up the family. After some time reasoning with her that things had been improving etc,and trying to ascertain why she was not willing to work on our marriage, I agreed to move out as I thought it best to agree with her feelings rather than negate them.

That was 8 days ago. 4 days ago I said I would move out to temporary accommodation with a view to finding an apartment (probably a 6 month let).

Again I was calm and dignified whilst she cried and was highly emotional.She recognised my dignity and respected it. Since then I have been a little depressed and withdrawn (but have come out of it)and she has become bubbly and talkative (like a weight has been lifted from her shoulders). She confesses that inside she is still in turmoil but is trying to put on a calm exterior.

Other threads say not to leave the martial home at any costs so do I stall and get a few more weeks at home but knowing that eventually she is likely to become frosty, uncommunicative and distant and we end up repeating the same emotional arguments we had last week OR should I leave and start LRT?
_________________________
Me 45 W 42
T 11 M 9
S7 S4
Bomb on 11/15/11
2nd Bomb on 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12
Moved back in 4/23/12
W wants to work on US 5/20/12 - Now Piecing!

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#2235721 - 04/05/12 05:01 PM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: isittoolate]
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 568
Loc: Pennsylvania
Have you talked to a L yet? They will be able to guide you about the house. My L told me that I should not leave the house and she would bet that if my H talked to a L he would be told the same thing.

If you haven't, it may not hurt to talk to one. My initial consult was free
_________________________
-Autumn


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#2235874 - 04/06/12 03:01 AM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: Autumn Leaves]
isittoolate Offline
Member

Registered: 11/17/11
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
Hi Autumn, at the moment, I dont think it necessary to talk to a L. She hasnt mentioned D. i live in the UK and L talk tends to come later.

My question: Is it better to remain in the house and work on me and know that inevitably the tension between us will begin to rise as she becomes frosty, distant etc.OR leave now with dignity and start to LRT whilst remaining happy, confident etc.
_________________________
Me 45 W 42
T 11 M 9
S7 S4
Bomb on 11/15/11
2nd Bomb on 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12
Moved back in 4/23/12
W wants to work on US 5/20/12 - Now Piecing!

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#2235876 - 04/06/12 03:26 AM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: isittoolate]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Hey Isit...

A few things to consider, including the cultural context and the legal context in the UK...

Certainly in North America, it is NOT recommended to move out of the family home. Of course with no fault, that shouldn't really matter... but still, it could possibly sway the courts with a convincing lawyer... that's my opinion and I know lawyers will say that's not true...

Anyhow, I'm not sure that the UK is fully no fault. So on that alone, I'd be very careful about not moving out until you know for sure it won't affect your legal position. Again, this is just my opinion as I am no where near being a lawyer. smile

Understand that you are entitled to change your mind. Just because you mutually agreed, that does not mean that you MUST without appropriate counsel.

What's she going to do? Divorce you if you don't?

If that's the straw that breaks her back, then you M is already dead anyhow.

Now mind you, I'm not one to talk about staying in the home. I left. But it was legally safe for me to do so and it was emotionally imperative (for me) to do so.

If you feel you can emotionally conduct yourself properly and with dignity and respect while in the home with your wife, then by all means, stay there. If your W truly wants a physical separation, then for the time being, let her be the one to move out.

Please understand that I post this without being fully up to speed with your sitch. I see you've been here for a while and posted before with some responses from a vet. But I am not fully aware of your sitch so this is pretty canned support statements.

Each sitch is different and you will have to carve your own path. Just be sure that you are doing so by logic and not by emotion.

LRT could be appropriate and CAN be done even while living under the same roof. LRT does not mean no contact.

But also understand that LRT is TEMPORARY! It is a tool we use to get ourselves off the emotional roller coaster so that we can then engage the sitch and our spouses in a calm, logical, respectful manner. Once we are able to do that, stop LRT and go back to using other tools from DB.

Cheers... and hope you have a decent easter holiday.

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#2235922 - 04/06/12 10:07 AM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: ~ kd ~]
isittoolate Offline
Member

Registered: 11/17/11
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
Kaffe - thanks!

I think the legal sitch is different in the UK and for now she hasn't mentioned D.

My job is a big factor in this as for the next 3 weeks I am working away from Monday to Friday returning to my town on Friday afternoon. I have arranged to stay in a holiday cottage 10 miles from home for the next 3 weekends. SO effectively I am moving out on a temporary basis with a view to getting a 6 month let starting in May.

I have only told her about next weekend and could easily pull out of that arrangement and remain at home. BUT I feel she will go distant, frosty,etc if I renage on my assertion that I will move out.

A point to rememberis that we rarely argue. There is no OM/OW or abusive/addictive nature to the RA. Over the years our relationship degenerated into a cold war with her becoming distant while I became resentful etc. so it would be reverting to type. The main cause of the breakdown in the R was my lack of affection, intamacy and showing love, especially at the weekend when I would return from a business trip. I 'didnt make her feel special'. She feels she doesn't love me anyone and she is an 'all or nothing' person. She likes but doesn't love me.

Since I agreed to move out she has been bubbly and fun and even wanting to do joint things as a family - a trip to the today, for instance.

LRT in its pure form probably wouldn't work. She wouldd wonder why i have become distant etc, BUT I do need to stop all pursuing and let her come to me. So my goal for the next 3 weeks is to work on me and have small amount of contact with the W and kids - initiated by her.

I'll finish this post later as we are off to the movies!
_________________________
Me 45 W 42
T 11 M 9
S7 S4
Bomb on 11/15/11
2nd Bomb on 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12
Moved back in 4/23/12
W wants to work on US 5/20/12 - Now Piecing!

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#2235953 - 04/06/12 12:30 PM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: isittoolate]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Hope you enjoy the movies.

We will support you in what ever you choose. We are here to help guide you and interpret the DB tools in ways that hopefully suit your needs.

My only concern is that once you "move out", you may not have an opportunity to move back in. I really recommend that you consider this moving out as permanent... ie. for life...

Hope for the best, plan for the worst, no expectations and keep moving forward...

Hope that moving out gives her the space she needs and the opportunity for you to grow so that you become a fool that noone would leave... oh no, wait... that's so that you become a MAN that no fool would leave... wink

Plan that moving out is permanent. That your M is broken beyond repair and you need to start living your life as a single man... but again, still growing and becoming better... fixing things that are broken and upgrading things that could be better...

Expect NOTHING! The only thing we should ever expect is that we are alive... until we are dead... everything else, including one foot in front of the other... well, it's all a crap shoot...

Again, I apologize because I do not know your sitch enough, so I do not know that LRT is right for you, based on your last post.

We would need more details, and current details, because what you wrote three months ago, may not be relevant to the sitch now...

What has she complained about?

Has she complimented or been positive about any aspects of you?

What do you want IRT the M?

What do you want, FOR YOU?

What do you think you could fix, in you?

What do you think is GOOD about you, even if it could be better?

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#2235993 - 04/06/12 04:06 PM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: isittoolate]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 10949
Speaking as a woman, I think one of the biggest challenges would be to get the LBH to leave the home. Once she has him out of the house, then she will start the ball rolling a lot faster. Many a woman has told her H that she needed some space and the H would agree to leave (thinking he would be back home in a few days), and then he would be shocked at how fast the M ended.

If the atmosphere is not unbearable, please consider staying very carefully.

BTW, please post more often. smile
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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