Just Keep Swimming

[labug]

Thanks for your post LAbug. I've been thinking (and reflecting) about what you wrote. (I haven't been able to figure out how to just copy a section of a post, but eventually I know I'll be able to - sorry about that.)

I have a L, but no separation agreement. H is paying everything for the house & the kids, if I provide receipts (which is fair). Up until last night, I thought he was being more strict, but his position seems to have softened a bit, so I feel a little better about my immediate financial position. My L has instructed that if I am still standing for my marriage, as long as the finances are "fair" I shouldn't fight legally yet.

I don't know much about the legalities and what might be "fair" but this seems to take care of necessities but nothing for having a life. Is that how you feel? I don't think he should be paying for exotic vacations but it seems miserly.

H has truly not been a co-parent for a long while. H has distanced himself from the regular goings-on of life here and that is partly my fault.

How is that your fault?

However, that has been the easiest part of this process for me - I am no longer responsible for his relationships with his children, since I was "fired" as his wife and partner.

Good thinking because you aren't now and really never were responsible for those relationships. However we do like to guide and steer and smooth out, don't we?

Today I gave him news about S14 & D8, both of whom have been sick since he chose to leave. S14 has had his 4th sinus infection (only been off antibiotic for 2 weeks) & D8 can't kick a UTI (she's on her 3rd dose of antibiotic). D8 is now scheduled to see a pediatric surgeon since the pediatrician doesn't believe her UTI is viral based, but anatomical. E-mailed H and his response was "Geez sorry to hear bout the health stuff." REALLY?!!!

Nice. I'd keep the emails and a journal of his time with the kids.When he's supposed to have them how many hours he has them, etc. This will allow your attorney to see what's really happening.

Not sure what my course is going to be.

Do you want to be a strong, confident woman and mother? How does that look to you and how would you get there?

I know I want to continue to be a good parent (some days that's easier than others) and I want to do my best to engage each of my kids on their level every day.

Engaging with the kids is important, even if it's just for a few minutes of special time. Be happy to see them, even if you're tired or cranky or pissed. That someone is happy to see them is so important to kids and really, to anyone.

I'm trying hard to do 180's with my H by being less available to him and a bit mysterious along with doing my best to be nice (even when I don't feel like it). I am trying to detach, but it doesn't seem to be going smoothly - I feel a bit obsessed with this situation and how to fix it. As I see it, there are some easy fixes to be made and viola - a new, happy and loving relationship would emerge!

We're all obsessed in the beginning and many of us here are fixers. You can't fix this because you didn't break it. You might have contributed but you didn't do it single-handedly. Remember that! There are many things he could have done but chose not to.

Work on you, stop trying to fix anything, you have enough on your plate as it is. And you can only control you. Do something nice for yourself everyday.

[Soxfan2008]

Welcome to the crazy train!! I've almost been promoted to conductor!

There is no easy fix... except to fix yourself. Take the focus off of H and the negativity and put the focus on the positives of you and the kids.

Easier said than done, I do know that.

Here are some ideas I found useful...

Parks are free. Get on the swings with the kids. Bring a ball and play soccer with them (Plus the exercise and laughter does wonders for your soul)

Do you have concerts in the park in your area? We do and they are free, check out your county or cities website and see. We pack blankets, fruit and drinks and went and danced to the music and had a great time.

Pop popcorn, make a tent and watch movies from RedBox for a dollar!! (we have a projector so we project them onto the side of the house at night)

Go to the mall, and people watch as you window shop. Make up stories about the people you see and what they are buying! It's great fun and it builds your children's creativity in the process (the teacher in me comes out every now and again.)

Have pancakes and bacon for dinner

uh.... have a ton more, but i'm in the midst of a job application for a new position so my brain is a bit fried.

[nhmom]

Nemo,

Sorry you're finding yourself here, but welcome. Come often, write, read other people's threads. There is a lot of good advice.

If you haven't read the 37 rules yet, I hope someone will post them soon.

The most important thing for you to focus on now is yourself and your kids. Be the best mom you can be. Your H's relationship with the kids, as hard as it is to watch, is not yours to fix. He is responsible for that. Talk to your kids. Let them know how much you love them, give them attention, never bad mouth your H in front of your kids, and do remind them that their dad loves them, even if he's not showing it, and that it has nothing to do with them.

I don't know if it is possible at all, but try to find time just for you.

As it's been said already, there is no quick fix for this. Time and patience are key.

[BFloat]

i'm sorry you find yourself here.. but you're in good company.

my kids are quite a bit younger but essentially.. we all struggle w/ similar things. you've been given some really good advice. i can't reiterate enough that you can only control your own choices. if you're a fixer like me.. this can be so very difficult!

as for the finances.. it seems a bit demeaning to you to have to provide receipts. have you thought about a separation agreement and at least ensure your financial security as well as the children's? you are the primary caregiver and are entitled to financial support. unless you have agreed otherwise.

it's true.. you are not responsible for H's relationship with the kids. and i know it is so incredibly heartbreaking to see them in pain. but anything you say to H may be seen as manipulating or guilt tripping. that was the same way w/ my H. S5 would ask these questions and never mention it to H. now.. months later.. he has started asking H "why don't you live here anymore?".. and saying "i want you to stay here!". also getting noticeably upset. i think those words directly from S has been way more powerful than anything i could have said or done.

and GAL!! sometimes hard w/ kids. but.. maybe there's a new hobby you want to take up? youtube has some great tutorials. play around w/ makeup and get a new look? (i tried a smokey eye and ended up looking like a raccoon).

hang in there! sorry.. my post may be all over the place. i type.. tend to the kids.. continue my thought later.. get interrupted again.. sigh. lol!

[finding nemo]

Labug,

Agreed, the financial situation is a bit miserly. He likes to be in control, and as he is so angry, I'm willing to give in to him about this for now. I do think he's loosening up on his stance on the finances. We'll see...

H's parenting skills started to fall by the way-side awhile ago. He was dealing with so much, for so long, I thought the least I could do is take my responsibilities as the SAHM very seriously and give my kids one really attentive parent while H dealt with the loss of both his parents(and other responsibilities). I feel like I could have and should have included him back and made more of an effort to do more family activities together.

Agreed about their relationships. I have been known to inform all parties different information to smooth out the relationships. lol

I've been keeping all texts (which has been a pain to print them, can only do a few a day), e-mails and a log of his visits and phone call to the kids. I actually hide these when he comes to visit, just in case! I had hopes that he would be visiting and talking to his kids more once he saw his attorney. That lasted all of 2 days.

You're right, I do want to be a strong and confident woman. I hope I am working towards that, but I do need to really visualize what that means. Back to the drawing board on that one!

I've been having a much easier time with the kids. A friend of mine actually commented this week about how peaceful my house was. And you know what, it is peaceful here! And cleaner, too! I'm guessing my H was really loud and piggy and I didn't really notice it til now!! lol The 4 of us have tried to get a good schedule down, and we're really getting the hang of it, I think. I think I've been able to create a sense of consistency (or getting there), which is what we all need at this time of upheaval. And it helps that their mother isn't crying all the time and moping around!

I've really got to work trying not to fix him and remember what you wrote "You can't fix this because you didn't break it. You might have contributed but you didn't do it single-handedly." I think I'm going to put that on my bathroom mirror!!

Today was a good day, I don't feel as obsessive. I still worry about H (as he is really blowing up his life), but I know that I'll be ok. And, if I'm ok, my kids will be too.

Thanks so much, I really appreciate your post - it really has made me think as well as given me some much needed support and words of wisdom!!

[finding nemo]

Sox,

Thanks so much for your post - I love your ideas!!

Breakfast for dinner is definitely one of our favorites!

I will be definitely using some of your ideas over the next few days and looking into more of them. So glad the weather is warming up and can get these kids out and about!

Thanks again!!

[finding nemo]

Thanks NH, I really appreciate your post!

At the 4 week mark, something happened to me. It was really quite astonishing. I started to feel the Hurt Wife disappear, and the Angry (and more in control) Mommy take over. The Hurt Wife comes out every once in awhile, but Mommy is mostly in control now. And the kids know it. We're all doing much better now. I'm trying to set a schedule for everything so that the children all know what's going on. I'm trying to be very consistent. And I have to admit, the house seems a lot more at peace since H isn't living here. (It was a gradual transition.)

Looking forward to spending a fun day coloring eggs tomorrow and trying something new for me! Thanks!!

[hopeless in wa]

Nemo, you are doing really good at the 4 week mark. Wow, I was still a mess. Keeping the focus on you and your kids, smart. I feel like I've gone thru the stages of grief. Denial, bargaining, anger, even some acceptance, but I seem to flow back and forth. Peaceful house, sounds nice. Mine is way to peaceful, home alone. Your lucky you have kids at home. They are fun!

[finding nemo]

BF your post about the raccoon had me spit my water out! lol

Yup, I'm a fixer. After reading so many posts, is there a woman on these boards who isn't a fixer? I wonder if there is a fix for that? lol

Our finances are a bit murky right now. I'm willing to give a little on them at this point since H is so very controlling, esp about money. I realize that I've probably got to make some legal moves soon, I just worry what that will mean for my DB efforts. Also, my L has a pretty good picture of what's going on financially with us, so I'm trying not to borrow tomorrow's problems today. Also, H seemed to ease up a bit yesterday. Don't know if he's being kinder because he sees what he's missing, or (more likely) he wants something from me. I can wait it out a couple more days to find out. Hoping I'm more patient then H is.

This is still so new for my kids. None of them want to talk to him about anything for real. Plus, he's not really spending a large amount of time with them for the kids to feel like they can open up to H. Really hoping this changes soon, for all their benefits.

Thanks for your post. It helps so much to know that I'm not alone in this awful situation!

[finding nemo]

Awww, thanks Hopeless. It does help to have the kids here and know that I've got to make efforts to make things as normal as possible for their sakes.

As I'm nearing the 8 week mark, I am hoping that I can make some more strides in my GAL, since I severely need a life! lol

btw - still a mess, cried for 40 minutes while listening to the car radio yesterday.