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Actually, just went looking for and found it. There's a couple versions of it, I'll post the most recent re-post of it:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2199355&page=1

Understand that it actually is MLC for dummies, but one thing we notice is that MLC and WAS have some similar behaviours and script... and the way to DB both is pretty much the same...

Enjoy the read. smile

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Thanks, I was just looking for it!


M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets
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Thanks for sharing. Not sure weather to laugh or cry but I feel less crazy.........


M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets
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Ok, thanks I will check that out now. In your original post to me you said something about his sense of alienation- can you tell me more about that?
THANK YOU!


M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets
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Not to hijack your thread but my H said those horrible things to me as well and read off a laundry list of everything I have ever said or did wrong in our 14 years together. Some of the facts were wrong and some things were out and out lies but whenever I would correct him he would tell me I was wrong or else he would change the subject. I felt like dog doo for a month until I found this site and realized it was all script and that it truly was his problem, not mine. Of course I did things wrong in the marriage but according to his made up history of us I never did anything right.

Now I know there is OP. He will not admit it but thats okay. I actually feel somewhat sorry for her because she is more than likely an innocent person who he has lied to as well. She probably feels sorry for him for being married to such a horrible person who does not appreciate such a wonderful man. Please. He was a wonderful man before the aliens nabbed him.

And the link to MLC for Dummies is hilarious. When I got to Chapter 11 about the art of clinging to the edge of the bed I spit out my drink!!! It's like H studied this for months before the bomb.


AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
J marries OW 1/24/15
"No matter where you go, there you are"
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Originally Posted By: wishing, hoping
Not to hijack your thread but my H said those horrible things to me as well and read off a laundry list of everything I have ever said or did wrong in our 14 years together. Some of the facts were wrong and some things were out and out lies but whenever I would correct him he would tell me I was wrong or else he would change the subject. I felt like dog doo for a month until I found this site and realized it was all script and that it truly was his problem, not mine.


Absolutely. In the mind of a WAS, the LBS IS wrong... because they need to justify...

Now there is the balance that tells us that IN THEIR MIND, they are feeling the way they are and feel somehow offended and beaten by the LBS. So it is their way of defending themselves.

My W actually frames it in a... what's that called... double bind or something like that... she tells me (and she's told the kids this, as well) that I have to always be right... crazy

So I cannot defend myself, otherwise I'm trying to be right...

Quite a defeating sitch and feeling...

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Thanks for the insight on the crazy things they say! Can anyone help me with understanding detachment? I have been reading it on the boards, but what is the theory? Do you really detach , as in let them go?


M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets
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Hi FFI,

I have just read your thread. I hope everything turns out for the best for you. I am relatively new to this, but what has helped me detach (though I have not detached emotionally yet) is to GAL. I am attending activities that make me happy, such as learning italian, resuming my gym routine, go out with friends. I am in the process of starting wind surfing lessons and I plan on taking photography courses after summer. I also take long walks at the beach. Generally, I do whatever makes me happy. All these activities will help you keep busy. You will soon start feeling stronger. You will re-discover yourself and realise that no matter what, YOU WILL MAKE IT! smile

Also, please please read DB or DR books. I have read them both. They are very encouraging. I prefer DR book, but this is just my opinion. I have them on my bedside table and read them whenever I feel down.

Well, that's it for now, good luck with your sitch. Have a nice weekend!


Me: BW 30
Him: WH 31
T 12 years, M 3.5
No kids
OW 27 single ex co-worker

Bomb: 13/07/2011
S: 13/07/2011 - 16/09/2011
H came Home 16/09/2011
Dday: 01/10/2011
H left again 23/11/2011

Separated since...
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Originally Posted By: fightingforit
Do you really detach , as in let them go?

Yes.

You control only you.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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You did not cause his sense of alienation, although behaviors you may have had/have likely did contribute to it.

We all see the world through our own very set of dirty,tinted and scratched filters.
Your spouse is not you and you don't perceive things in the same way.

When we feel angry or hurt it generally comes from an inner sense of a loss of self worth. Someone took a slap at our self esteem, directly or indirectly.

It's generally triggered by a behavior, a word, a look, a gesture that harkens back to a ideation of ourselves as unworthy, bad, etcetera.

Some people call this "pushing our buttons".

You can do nothing about discovering or deactivating those buttons, unless your spouse tells you or shows you they're there. Then you can only try not to push them. Even then that's hard if there is something inherent about who you are that pushes them.

For instance: Let's say that leaving your underwear skid side up on the floor for you is a matter of forgetfulness, but to him, leaves him feeling disrespected and taken for granted. Would you then not make the effort to see this behavior is changed?

Your goal is to deactivate YOUR OWN buttons. Your goal is to modify and change specific behaviors that your spouse has pointed to as being particularly hurtful.

My spouse gave me a six page letter of all my perceived faults. Some of which WERE true flaws and others which were not flaws but character assets.

i.e. pigheaded to one person is persistence to another.

I am not the same person I was, although my marriage may not survive this break. I have become someone I am proud of, regardless of what my spouse thinks of me.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
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