I can't offer much else at the moment, except another suggestion. On You Tube, search for the name Paul Hegstrom. There are a number of videos which may help you or your spouse if he's receptive to suggestion and seeking out help for his own stuff. Beware as many WAS are not receptive to any suggestion you may make, because they either see you as an enemy, or an authority figure that must be rebelled against. You know your own situation best.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Ok, not feeling as strong today. I am trying to work on myself but I don't understand what went wrong, what snapped in him. We renewed our vows 6 months ago and he was so sincere, he had written personal things and said he knew I was the woman he was meant to be with. It is just hard for me to wrap my mind around sometimes. Today I keep thinking there has to be an OW. My mind keeps going there and then I get anxious. He went to go look for a place to live today, maybe that's part of it too. I am angry, and I want to express it. How do you know when there is an OW, and how do you get over it if there is?
M 37, H 37 M 10, T 12 S 4 D 2 3/14/12 ILYBNILWY 4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing 4/26/12 H moves to his new place
Stop thinking about OW, it really doesn't matter. He's left and if you're trying to stand for your marriage, obsessing about OW is not the way to do it.
In my sitch, I have heard rumors (I haven't asked, people just keep bringing me info - very frustrating). And I know how it feels, that tightness in your chest just thinking about it makes me so upset. However, when I heard the rumors, and the more than rumors, I was actually able to sleep better that night. It then became clear to me that the awful things H said to me when he was leaving me (I failed as a W, I'm a terrible mother, etc., etc.) weren't about me and my shortcomings. They were about him justifying to himself why he was leaving. He had to have a scapegoat, and that was me. Because he can't be the bad guy, that doesn't fit his image. So, that helped me. Plus, in all the things he said to me, none of it made sense. However, if I add a 3rd person to our marriage (OW), then it all makes sense.
As far as getting over it, my H won't admit to OW, so not sure how to do that part. I just know for now, I try not to think about it as it really doesn't matter right now.
Me: 42 H: 44 M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2 S: 14 D: 10 D: 8 Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me) 1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12 2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12 Moved out: 2/12/12
Thanks Nemo. How do you find the strength to follow the principles after the things he has said? It sounds like my husband, he always has to be the "good guy". I am just so confused today.
M 37, H 37 M 10, T 12 S 4 D 2 3/14/12 ILYBNILWY 4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing 4/26/12 H moves to his new place
I looked at what he said. Did I mention he gave me a 6 page break up letter detailing all of my faults. Then we spent 10 hours discussing in great depth more of my deficiencies as wife, mother, friend, human being, etc. I heard what he said, and accpeted some of it. The rest is half truths or outright lies. The "real" truth is H wanted to leave and H came up with reasons to do so.
Do I know if he's coming back? Nope. Do I know if I want this rendition of my husband back? Not too sure. Am I going to do everything I can to keep my marriage in tact? Sure am, I don't want to have any regrets later down the road.
None of my questions have anything to do with OW - she does not matter right now. Perhaps later she will. And I'll give you a little secret, I actually pray for her. I pray that if she exists that she will have a change of heart and realize that she is breaking up a family, that she will do the right thing, and then become a better person because of this experience. I don't wish her harm. She is just a result of a bad choice my H has made.
Also, and I hope this gives you comfort, she will do something at some point to screw up her sitch w/ our H's. They don't know our H's like we do. So, make yourself the better choice and then deal with what comes later.
Good luck! Tomorrow will be a better day!!
Me: 42 H: 44 M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2 S: 14 D: 10 D: 8 Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me) 1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12 2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12 Moved out: 2/12/12
Thanks for your post. You are definitely inspiring to me, I have to remember what you said, about not having regrets. I am not sure I want my H back, but I know my kids do.
M 37, H 37 M 10, T 12 S 4 D 2 3/14/12 ILYBNILWY 4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing 4/26/12 H moves to his new place
Not sure if either of you have come across a post here, I think in the MLC forum, about the WAS script... it is written as a WAS "how to" and quite funny...
Hope you get a chance to read it one day...
Anyhow, the point is, as you said fn, often what they say about the LBS is not about the LBS but rather the WAS justifying their desire to leave.
Not to say that there may be some truths... we often find that the stuff that stings, might have more truth than we want to admit... the stuff that we can simply blow off as untrue is quite obviously just their rationalization, in some twisted way...
we call it "re-writing history"...
Learn your WAS script. It can serve you well when you try to decipher their world and their actions...
