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#2235205 - 04/03/12 04:57 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: MrBond]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
I should have just walked away. When she starts talking about the changes and that they are temporary I walk away from her.

I guess she got me off guard with the conversation.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2235211 - 04/03/12 05:27 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10349
Again, you don't need to walk away. There comes a time when you need to make a stand or else she's going to know she can walk all over you.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2235713 - 04/05/12 04:31 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: MrBond]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
It has been a couple of days since I have been on the board. W and kids are getting excited about FA.

Kids have had the last two days off for teacher conferences. We tried to find a sitter, but were unable. I then took them to work with me. W e-mailed a few times on Wednesday since she had no patients and suggested that we meet for lunch with the kids. Since boss was gone I picked up lunch and ate with her and a work friend. She then showed us her office and we left. She then sent me an email telling me how nice it was a short time later.

W had to run some errands after work and was running out of time before teacher conferences. I texted her and told her that I could make dinner and that I could handle the conferences (was going to go anyway). Made dinner and we were off to school. The old me would have demanded that W drop what she is doing and go to the conferences on her own.

Went to student conferences and then talked about it with W. This morning before she left for work W told me that she feels like she has abandoned the kids since I am now doing the bulk of the care for them.

Her statement caught me off guard, I told her that she has not abandoned the kids. Told her that since I was home she was able to do errands without them (pick up meds for S10 and Easter stuff). W told me she is not used to this. I listened and stated that the kids are not soley the responsibility of one of us and that when we work together it is much easier for all. Told her that kids don't care whether W or I get them ready for school.

We both had to leave so I left it at that. It is these kind of statements that leave me flat footed. Do I just listen?

When she talks about my 180's (finances, children and home) I can listen and validate.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2235718 - 04/05/12 04:56 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4357
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Sad in WI


Went to student conferences and then talked about it with W. This morning before she left for work W told me that she feels like she has abandoned the kids since I am now doing the bulk of the care for them.

Her statement caught me off guard, I told her that she has not abandoned the kids. Told her that since I was home she was able to do errands without them (pick up meds for S10 and Easter stuff). W told me she is not used to this. I listened and stated that the kids are not soley the responsibility of one of us and that when we work together it is much easier for all "No doubt, this has been very difficult on all of us."



There. Fixed it for you. smirk


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2235804 - 04/05/12 10:27 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Starsky309]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
W and I talked today about R. She stated that the fact that I am helping more with the finances has made her madder than when I did not help her. And that if I did this earlier then we would not be where we are currently are.

She then starts drinking and tells me that she wants to be in love with the person she is with. She then wants to commence with sex, but I tell her what is the point and then finish stuff around the house.

I feel like my W has a three prong approach to our M to ensure that it fails:

1. Finances and the fact that I was selfish with money,
2. Helping with the kids and around the house, and
3. My feelings have not changed and I want to be in love.

I have changed my attitude regarding finances and have been making progress with the kids.

I told her that a month is too short to change her feelings.

On one hand she is telling me she is waiting for the other shoe to drop and then is telling me that after a certain period of time she will believe the changes our for real and will stay.

How can I work on romance when my W has a wall between us?
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2235808 - 04/05/12 10:42 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
SIW, you are getting standard WAS script...

You need to shift your focus to you and your kids, ONLY...

She needs to work through her stuff...

You need to work through yours, take care of yourself, and take care of your kids...

Detach and and give your W at least the physical space she's asking for AND more emotional space than she's asking for...

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#2235810 - 04/05/12 10:43 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: ~ kd ~]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Read the chapter on Cheeseless tunnels in DR... I think you are looking deep into a few...

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#2235821 - 04/05/12 11:22 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: ~ kd ~]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Honestly I am concentrating on me and the kids. The only thing where W and I have to interact has to do with the finances. I leave the R talk to her.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2235836 - 04/05/12 11:49 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Sure... OK, I'll buy that...

But then, you have idle time to think about how your W is trying to make the M fail...

Maybe those thoughts represent only 10% of what goes on in your brain...

But they are pretty negative thoughts...

How is thinking like that working for you?

Is it helping, hurting, or making no difference?

Maybe when you begin to think about how your W is trying to make your M fail...

You can stop thinking or typing that and start thinking and typing about what a great time you had with your kids...

Just a thought...

Of course, you can keep being angry with your W... your choice...

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#2235872 - 04/06/12 02:49 AM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: ~ kd ~]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
I guess on Thursday Night I was not feeling very positive or upbeat. No matter how things are I try to take them one day at a time. I guess when W was talking about where she was I got frustrated with the situation. I felt like saying a month ago you asked for D and gave me a laundry list for your actions. How could everything possibly change in 1 months time?

I can usually stay positive and not show W my true emotions. I agree KD that such thoughts concerning my W will not improve my M. I will be honest, It does bother me that W is waiting for me to fail on my 180's so she can leave.

In addition, I have to not take my W's word as the gospel truth and believe 1/2 of what she says.

In order to survive this with or without my W I must stay positive and continue to make myself the best dad for my kids and a husband only a fool would leave.

On a positive note we re sleeping in the same bed for the first time in awhile.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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