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#2238763 - 04/17/12 10:25 PM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: MrBond]
ESN Offline
Member

Registered: 03/18/11
Posts: 1566
Wow, this is my relationship to a T, though ex-BF never would have said anything about my appearance, though I know he thought it - but he wasn't Mr. trim and slim himself.

The vagueness, the not setting boundaries, not being clear about his expectations, and then loading it all up and quietly resenting (but not communicating) then blowing us all away.

Gee, thanks, ex-BF.

Yeah, there were times he threatened to leave. That was his signal to let me know he didn't like my behavior, but I was so darn miserable, it was hard to heed the call. And whenever I brought anything of his to the table - his distance, porn use, lack of sex, communication with ex-gf, sarcasm, subtle put downs, avoidance, it was more threats to leave or dismissiveness.

Bleh. Not what I'd call an adult relationship. It was a traumatized boy in a 34 year old body acting like a 17-year-old and "rebelling" and not grown up enough to behave maturely and process emotions and be intimate.

Sorry, that's not what I know we're supposed to be posting about or talking about here - those not "in the room" - this is about you but, May, dude. I'd be FREAKING PISSED AS HELL!

I am still when I have to deal with him.

So no one's telling you not to be pissed. Sweetie, what the F?

Just that you gotta learn how to manage YOU - and your needs, emotions, anger, boundaries, etc. Whether you're with H or not. Either way.

Treat this, maybe as a lesson then? You get better and it's a win-win, right? Because you either win with H or win with someone else, but the BEST PART? You keep all that new growth and hard work for YOU ... and your daughter.

The place I reached when I was at my very wit's end (daghter was about 18 months old), was to just take the focus off him and focus on me. What did I need to do differently?

I took MY power back. I was sick of his expectations of ME - I wanted to know what I defined as a good person and a beautiful person and a good weight FOR ME - [censored] him. [censored] his porn use, his starting and ogling other women in front of me, telling me what he thought was "hot" - I know some people on this board will disagree b/c it's all about knowing what our partners want and meeting THEIR needs - but what about you?

I mean, in the end, I didn't even want to BE with my ex-BF. He was just a cover, in the end, for my "stuff" that needed work. He was an excuse, somewhere else to throw all the energy, attention, and blame.

(And I believe the same is true for him to me) - we each have some heavy lifting. Who knows what the hell he's doing with his - probably in bed with someone new, thinking "it'll all be different" (after all, he thinks all this was my fault).

I've had a rough road, but I've come SO far and am sooooo amazingly proud of my gorgeous beautiful self and my progress. I love me now. I love who I am and my soul and my spirit and my hair and my weight and my everything - And whoever is attracted to me now will really know me - I have to be accountable to me. Not FOR someone else - I have to check in with my self and say "how far off base am I here?"

I think it's time to do this work, May. In the R or out. The R is a decoy at this point for your own growth.

Live with him or don't. Get answers or don't. LET IT GO - he's going to do WHATEVER. HE. WANTS. and you won't control a single ounce of it.

So put the focus 100% on May - and your baby. You've tried. You've given this your all - you've thrown yourself at him, physically attacked him, tried to be his everything, left, came back.

Sweetie, it's about you now.

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#2238790 - 04/18/12 03:55 AM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: mmayre16]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10552
Loc: west coast

You have a TOUGH situation and it IS confusing.

I didn't know about things like the weight parameters still...does he have a great body or what? Are you way out of shape?
Aren't you one of those women (I hate) who loses ALL the weight she gained, in a month?
Man, that itself is a tough thing to hear, with a baby not even a year old. And are you still nursing too? Criminy!


Originally Posted By: dueinMay
I'm super pissed that I can't be super pissed.

why can't you be pissed? Who said you could not be angry?


We've had two MC sessions since I last posted, and in the first one, he said some line of BS that followed along the same vein as the bomb last year. Which I think is complete and total crap. Even the T said, "I don't understand... I thought this was getting better."

To which I said, "It was getting better. I don't believe anything coming out of his mouth, and I'm not going to listen to it" and I walked out. We drove separate cars (he came directly from work), so I put the baby seat in his car and left.

When he got home, he said, "I'm sorry, I do want things to work out... maybe we can go on a date tomorrow"


so he is SAYING the right things, at times, but not following up with action, correct? He acts very confused.

(one of his complaints is that we don't go on dates, which is untrue seeing as I PLAN and PAY for them. We've had 3 in the past 2 weeks). I said, "ok, yeah, you do that. If all this was true, why the F did you ask me to come home? I was happy. I had a 3 bedroom apt with my sister. I was independent. I had a year lease. Why did you ask me to move home if you were just 'giving it a shot'?" (another BS line he threw out there during the session). Of course, he couldn't come up with an answer, and of course, he did nothing in the way of planning a date.

Has there been date time yet? Don't bring it up b/c maybe he is planning one but wasn't ready b/c you went off with your peeps...do NOT bring it up or you'll negate any good he'd get out of planning b/c you will make him feel forced...

The good news is I think him saying "let's go on dates" sounds as if he wants to connect with you on a non parental level. Man to woman.

Yes, I know you have a child now, and I can see that it would be annoying to pretend otherwise or for him to require your whole attention--but the thing is, a lot of men at their core-

have deeply mixed feelings when their first child is born.

Suddenly they are sharing their wives in a most intimate way, at first the child may in the bed and suckles on the breast (and the h goes to the couch & works the next day b/c he did not get Paternity leave...super fun for him after a few weeks)

and as the child often is IN their bed or bedroom -it interferes with sleep and sex, and that's in addition to time w/o sex after the baby...

and new mothers (understandably) focus A LOT on the baby and

there are men who won't admit it but do resent it...he sounds so conflicted. He wants to be a mature man and a good h and father...but his "genetic code" is so FLAWED...

So if he doesn't plan a date SOON--
just let that go. And IF he does plan a date, THANK GOD & enjoy it...


Then I went on my girls weekend, which was great (and uneventful, which is what I needed).

And then I came back, and we had another MC today, and even the therapist said, "H, I think you're confused.... you need some clarity, and you need to give her specifics as to what you expect if you're unhappy. W, what would you need from him for the ball to get rolling again."

M: I need him to get a full physical and get his testosterone tested and get into individual counseling.
H: What will that prove?
M: If you have low test. then that might explain your lack of sex drive. And it might explain your depression.
H: Who said I have depression?
T: Do you think you have depression?
H: I don't know....
T: Well, we've only done the MMPI with you. Based on your family of origin, I think it would be wise to do some additional personality testing to see if you have a genetic mood disorder.

Wow I cannot believe SHE said that^^^ or that YOU said that...but YAY.

What is HIS explanation for less sex? That you are "wrong" in your perception or what? (IS it less than before, or has he always been this way?)


H: Ok. I have to notify my company for my security clearance.
T: That's fine.
H: How much will it cost?
T: A copay, usually.
M: I'll pay for it if you take it.


um, YIKES!...why would you say that? Is he that cheap or just avoidant? (I'm NOT making a fighting cat noise, just asking...)


T: Ok, so that sounds like some things that he can work on.
LONG PAUSE
M: I need to know what he wants from me.
LONG PAUSE
T: Well, I think the finances are a strong theme I detect. And taking care of your physical appearance.
M: Yes, but how much? For what? How quickly? What do you want the physical appearance to be? What size? What weight? What measurements?
T: Well, usually we don't try to define those things for the appearance. Usually it's a 'work out X times per week...'
M: Ok, so what are they?
H: Well, I don't know just... more....
M: NO! NO, I'm not doing this wishy washy crap! You need to give me parameters. You do this to people all the time. You are pissed with them, they try to make it work, you make some vague suggestions and then when they do what they think is right based on what you've said, you come up with some lame excuse as to how it wasn't what you wanted. You slip right out of it.
H: I do?

I am glad you spoke your mind. And it's interesting that he asked whether he really does...he noted it. You may have planted a seed.


M: Yes (proceeds to tell him multiple occasions). So, no, sorry, you're not doing it to me. You tell me what you want, and I will rise to the occasion. You watch.

Do you WANT to do that??^^^ To prove what? That's it him, not you? Well Maybe it is him -and or, maybe these expectations and their specifics, are a little bit insane???

May, you must know I greatly RESPECT your courage and discipline here.

But is this something YOU WANT to "rise to"?

Do you feel these are reasonable expectations for a h to spell out to his WIFE? How does it make you feel?

Are you worried that for unknown reasons, he simply won't ever find you good enough -and you want to remove any articulable reason from his arsenal?

you think by rising to the task, no matter how unreasonable or unkind or unloving or unaccepting it may be, that it will work?


LONG PAUSE


T: Well, H, I guess that's something for you to think about for next session.

Ugh I'm so f-ing fed up with him. I'm so sick of him lying to himself.

I was so happy with my best friend this weekend. I didn't worry about H and his crap. I didn't worry whether or not I should have been doing something else. I didn't want to leave. Not even to come home to my D.

I honestly don't think H would be saying any of this if I hadn't found those things, if I hadn't attacked him, if I hadn't been giving him the 3rd degree.

So yes, this is my fault.


do you believe this^^^? B/C IF YOU DO ,

then the answer to your next question about "what to do", is

NOT let anger dictate your actions and behavior.

At least then you'll have a lot fewer regrets.


So what do I do? Leave until I'm done being angry? Because I'm still angry. And this BS just makes me more angry. He's rewriting history. He's making excuses. Rather than saying, "I don't like it that you're angry", he's saying that he never had rebuilt our relationship. I think because then he would have to say, "Why is my W angry?"

OMG I so relate. If I expressed that my needs were not being met My h would say "well you always say that" OR (my personal fav), "You shouldn't feel angry/lonely/neglected" ...that drove me crazy.
... honestly about 2 sentences spoken from him at the right time could solve a lot. You'd think they'd get it after several years.


And then he would come to the answer "oh, that's right, because I was a huge f-ing d-bag who tried to ruin our lives".

laugh hilarious ^^^^^ (and gee, it's probably why they DON'T ask us what they did that made us feel badly--b/c THAT ^^ might be our answer!)

It's to the point where I want to abandon my family. Not forever and ever. But I just want to ditch for the time being. I want to go to work, and come home, and not owe anything to anyone.

(SIGH) I get it...


I took H's contact information out of my phone. I took him off my latitude (which he immediately asked back. I guess this makes sense seeing as the baby is with me). I think I'm going to take off my wedding ring and sleep on the couch.

I just don't feel like playing the game right now.


May, How is YOUR IC going? And are you reminding yourself of the basics you already know,

eating and sleeping right, caring for yourself, renting or seeing comedies to LAUGH...keep your sister and friends close...let them envelope you with their support and try not to linger on the anger...breathe it out.

You h may well be suffering in his own way AND for all we know, he's actually sick.

"In sickness and in health"...to a point. He DOES have to get help.

b/c this isn't about staying married - at all costs...

but from where I sit, I see 2 people struggling mightily to be married,

and one of them isn't giving up yet...and that's him.


I applaud your efforts - and only ask that you not give up, today...
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2238880 - 04/18/12 12:47 PM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: 25yearsmlc]
ESN Offline
Member

Registered: 03/18/11
Posts: 1566
May, I think what 25 said above is also key - behavior, not words, remember?

I suspect that you're overcompensating for your H because you're afraid if you pulled back, did nothing, you'd see the real truth about where your marriage is. And that would be hard to face.

But it is The Truth.

That's not to say it's wrong, good, bad, done, etc. It just is what it is. I feel like when we're working with the truth, with reality, we can build so much stronger from that place - not from illusions or decoys.

Is your husband kinda checked out? Seems so. Is he blaming stupid things? Seems so. Are you buying it? Hmm...

What is it about for you to try to please him all the time? What do you make it mean that he says stuff about your appearance? You might look at that, or your own relationship to your own father. Was there a "not good enough" theme? This is your stuff. Your husband is triggering it.

GET THAT HELP YOU DESERVE. WORK ON YOU.

For me, my ex-bf triggered a lot - in me - and did it mean he didn't have his own [censored]? Hell no. But what he did with it was up to him (I believe he chose to use it as an excuse to bail - and keep his "stories" about me going so he doesn't have to look at himself.)

But after I decided to "be still" and just leave him be and look at my stuff, we were still living together. I decided to stop caring about his avoidance, porn, emotional issues, etc. Except that they kept triggering me - and it was becoming impossible for me to heal in his presence. It was like an open wound that kept getting jabbed at with his put-downs, sarcasm, and power trips.

So I asked him to leave. He did and came right back. I asked him a second time a week later, and this time he left for good.

It's not been easy. Of course, I wanted an intact family, a sibling for my daughter, a father in the picture, and so on. But the truth is, I have done so much amazing work in these past 8 months that I would not have been able to do in the face of constant negativity from him.

He can tell himself "She made me leave" "She yelled at me" "She's an angry bitch" or whatever he wants. Truth is, he is all the things he thinks I am and he's using me as an excuse to not grow up, be a deadbeat, not commit, not look at his stuff.

Don't do this job FOR your husband. Let him do his own heavy lifting. Once you disengage and work on your stuff, he will be left with his own stuff to face. But not a minute before then - as long as you're in the picture trying to control it all and get him tested for this and that, he doesn't have to look. He freaked out when you left because he ALMOST HAD TO LOOK - and he wanted you back for cover. Soothing. Comfort. But now that you're back, it's a return to the very same issues that were there in the first place -

His very deep ambivalence about intimacy and ownership in real ways.

Hate to say it, May, but you can't make him do this work.

I think I said it a zillion times, hope it's crystal clear now. I hope you get help for you.

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#2238898 - 04/18/12 01:48 PM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: 25yearsmlc]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10552
Loc: west coast
Dear May

I asked you a question awhile back and didn't get an answer. And I kind of need one so I can advise better b/c I'm really not clear on something.

What is different or NEW now, (substantively, not old stuff that you found but recent stuff that is happening)

that was NOT true back in November, when you two were healing?
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2238948 - 04/18/12 05:14 PM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: 25yearsmlc]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Hey DIM...

I'm just catching up on your sitch again and reading through this thread... not 100% done, yet... So if you've mentioned this, please forgive my ignorance on it...

What's the possibility that you can indefinitely remove yourself from the physical proximity of your H, except in regards to visitations between your H and D, at this time?

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#2239034 - 04/18/12 11:47 PM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: 25yearsmlc]
mmayre16 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/17/11
Posts: 295
I'm going to apologize in advance for typos and missing any key info yall want. It's late and I'm exhausted... but here goes...

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

You have a TOUGH situation and it IS confusing.

I didn't know about things like the weight parameters still...does he have a great body or what? Are you way out of shape?
Aren't you one of those women (I hate) who loses ALL the weight she gained, in a month?

Man, that itself is a tough thing to hear, with a baby not even a year old. And are you still nursing too? Criminy!
[/color]Yes, actually, I not only lost all of my baby weight within a month, and now I'm currently 20 lbs UNDER my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm a comfortable size 4. Size 6 pants literally fall off me. And no, he doesn't have a great body. I mean, he's naturally thin. 6 foot tall, never been more than 200 lbs. But he does not take care of himself well, at all. He's just genetically gifted in that department. I think it's a complete rouse because he knows that this was an area of my life in which I was very uncomfortable for a long time. But honestly, since becoming a mother (and losing all that weight doesn't hurt either...), I'm more confident about my body now than I ever was before my baby. So I think he's just trying to hit where he used to know it hurts and the complaint has no real ground to stand on. And yes, still nursing. Plan on continuing until at least June 1st (last day of work for me)
Originally Posted By: dueinMay
I'm super pissed that I can't be super pissed.

why can't you be pissed? Who said you could not be angry?

Sorry, I realized that ESN said something about this too. I realize this might have come across as me saying YOU guys said I couldn't be super pissed. No, no, no. Sorry, I meant I don't think my H is ok with me being super pissed. No, he's not said this outloud, but I think he is unhappy that I'm pissed, and the way he's dealing with my anger is to say "Well, I was just 'giving this a shot'. I haven't REALLY been happy these few months" I believe this new "episode" is due to me being pissed off and depressed. Because he cannot handle it when I'm the weak one. So he's rebelling. I can't even be upset because he just becomes more ridiculous. I'm tired of being the strong one.
We've had two MC sessions since I last posted, and in the first one, he said some line of BS that followed along the same vein as the bomb last year. Which I think is complete and total crap. Even the T said, "I don't understand... I thought this was getting better."

To which I said, "It was getting better. I don't believe anything coming out of his mouth, and I'm not going to listen to it" and I walked out. We drove separate cars (he came directly from work), so I put the baby seat in his car and left.

When he got home, he said, "I'm sorry, I do want things to work out... maybe we can go on a date tomorrow"


so he is SAYING the right things, at times, but not following up with action, correct? He acts very confused.

(one of his complaints is that we don't go on dates, which is untrue seeing as I PLAN and PAY for them. We've had 3 in the past 2 weeks). I said, "ok, yeah, you do that. If all this was true, why the F did you ask me to come home? I was happy. I had a 3 bedroom apt with my sister. I was independent. I had a year lease. Why did you ask me to move home if you were just 'giving it a shot'?" (another BS line he threw out there during the session). Of course, he couldn't come up with an answer, and of course, he did nothing in the way of planning a date.

Has there been date time yet? Don't bring it up b/c maybe he is planning one but wasn't ready b/c you went off with your peeps...do NOT bring it up or you'll negate any good he'd get out of planning b/c you will make him feel forced...

The good news is I think him saying "let's go on dates" sounds as if he wants to connect with you on a non parental level. Man to woman.

Yes, I know you have a child now, and I can see that it would be annoying to pretend otherwise or for him to require your whole attention--but the thing is, a lot of men at their core-

have deeply mixed feelings when their first child is born.

Suddenly they are sharing their wives in a most intimate way, at first the child may in the bed and suckles on the breast (and the h goes to the couch & works the next day b/c he did not get Paternity leave...super fun for him after a few weeks)

and as the child often is IN their bed or bedroom -it interferes with sleep and sex, and that's in addition to time w/o sex after the baby...

and new mothers (understandably) focus A LOT on the baby and

there are men who won't admit it but do resent it...he sounds so conflicted. He wants to be a mature man and a good h and father...but his "genetic code" is so FLAWED...

So if he doesn't plan a date SOON--
just let that go. And IF he does plan a date, THANK GOD & enjoy it...


Then I went on my girls weekend, which was great (and uneventful, which is what I needed).

And then I came back, and we had another MC today, and even the therapist said, "H, I think you're confused.... you need some clarity, and you need to give her specifics as to what you expect if you're unhappy. W, what would you need from him for the ball to get rolling again."

M: I need him to get a full physical and get his testosterone tested and get into individual counseling.
H: What will that prove?
M: If you have low test. then that might explain your lack of sex drive. And it might explain your depression.
H: Who said I have depression?
T: Do you think you have depression?
H: I don't know....
T: Well, we've only done the MMPI with you. Based on your family of origin, I think it would be wise to do some additional personality testing to see if you have a genetic mood disorder.

Wow I cannot believe SHE said that^^^ or that YOU said that...but YAY.

What is HIS explanation for less sex? That you are "wrong" in your perception or what? (IS it less than before, or has he always been this way?)

Oh yes, I'm throwing it out there. I'd rather have a rule out diagnosis than potentially miss that. HIS explanation for less sex is that he isn't "attracted" to me. Which again, he did not bring up until I started being pissed. And there was a lapse in our sex life immediately prior to baby, but that was not for his lack of trying, it was my fault (I was in a terrible job and all I wanted to do when I came home was sleep)
H: Ok. I have to notify my company for my security clearance.
T: That's fine.
H: How much will it cost?
T: A copay, usually.
M: I'll pay for it if you take it.


um, YIKES!...why would you say that? Is he that cheap or just avoidant? (I'm NOT making a fighting cat noise, just asking...)

Avoidant. I want to eliminate any excuse he might come up with not to take that.
T: Ok, so that sounds like some things that he can work on.
LONG PAUSE
M: I need to know what he wants from me.
LONG PAUSE
T: Well, I think the finances are a strong theme I detect. And taking care of your physical appearance.
M: Yes, but how much? For what? How quickly? What do you want the physical appearance to be? What size? What weight? What measurements?
T: Well, usually we don't try to define those things for the appearance. Usually it's a 'work out X times per week...'
M: Ok, so what are they?
H: Well, I don't know just... more....
M: NO! NO, I'm not doing this wishy washy crap! You need to give me parameters. You do this to people all the time. You are pissed with them, they try to make it work, you make some vague suggestions and then when they do what they think is right based on what you've said, you come up with some lame excuse as to how it wasn't what you wanted. You slip right out of it.
H: I do?

I am glad you spoke your mind. And it's interesting that he asked whether he really does...he noted it. You may have planted a seed.


M: Yes (proceeds to tell him multiple occasions). So, no, sorry, you're not doing it to me. You tell me what you want, and I will rise to the occasion. You watch.

Do you WANT to do that??^^^ To prove what? That's it him, not you? Well Maybe it is him -and or, maybe these expectations and their specifics, are a little bit insane???

May, you must know I greatly RESPECT your courage and discipline here.

But is this something YOU WANT to "rise to"?

Do you feel these are reasonable expectations for a h to spell out to his WIFE? How does it make you feel?

Are you worried that for unknown reasons, he simply won't ever find you good enough -and you want to remove any articulable reason from his arsenal?

you think by rising to the task, no matter how unreasonable or unkind or unloving or unaccepting it may be, that it will work?

I think his expectations are ridiculous in the long term, however, I have put myself through more hell trying to accomplish goals than saving a few extra dollars and losing a few extra pounds. And yes, I want to remove ANY articulable reason. I will be damned if he continues to blame me for the downfall of our relationship. It will not be because I was not the one who tried. It will be because he is an unreasonable, unhappy, never able to be pleased a-hole. I've seen him do this to his parents. He went to family therapy with them, the therapist laid out "ground rules" that were just the least big vague, and H totally exploited the holes in the agreement and said, "you're not following the rules, so I'm not in this relationship anymore" despite even I could tell they really were trying to play by the agreed upon rules (and I freaking hate those people and I complained that it was wrong). I knew at that moment that it didn't matter if they became the picture perfect family and did everything H ever wanted them to do; he would never believe it or accept it.
LONG PAUSE


T: Well, H, I guess that's something for you to think about for next session.

Ugh I'm so f-ing fed up with him. I'm so sick of him lying to himself.

I was so happy with my best friend this weekend. I didn't worry about H and his crap. I didn't worry whether or not I should have been doing something else. I didn't want to leave. Not even to come home to my D.

I honestly don't think H would be saying any of this if I hadn't found those things, if I hadn't attacked him, if I hadn't been giving him the 3rd degree.

So yes, this is my fault.


do you believe this^^^? B/C IF YOU DO ,

then the answer to your next question about "what to do", is

NOT let anger dictate your actions and behavior.

At least then you'll have a lot fewer regrets.


So what do I do? Leave until I'm done being angry? Because I'm still angry. And this BS just makes me more angry. He's rewriting history. He's making excuses. Rather than saying, "I don't like it that you're angry", he's saying that he never had rebuilt our relationship. I think because then he would have to say, "Why is my W angry?"

OMG I so relate. If I expressed that my needs were not being met My h would say "well you always say that" OR (my personal fav), "You shouldn't feel angry/lonely/neglected" ...that drove me crazy.
... honestly about 2 sentences spoken from him at the right time could solve a lot. You'd think they'd get it after several years.


And then he would come to the answer "oh, that's right, because I was a huge f-ing d-bag who tried to ruin our lives".

laugh hilarious ^^^^^ (and gee, it's probably why they DON'T ask us what they did that made us feel badly--b/c THAT ^^ might be our answer!)

It's to the point where I want to abandon my family. Not forever and ever. But I just want to ditch for the time being. I want to go to work, and come home, and not owe anything to anyone.

(SIGH) I get it...


I took H's contact information out of my phone. I took him off my latitude (which he immediately asked back. I guess this makes sense seeing as the baby is with me). I think I'm going to take off my wedding ring and sleep on the couch.

I just don't feel like playing the game right now.


May, How is YOUR IC going? And are you reminding yourself of the basics you already know,

eating and sleeping right, caring for yourself, renting or seeing comedies to LAUGH...keep your sister and friends close...let them envelope you with their support and try not to linger on the anger...breathe it out.

You h may well be suffering in his own way AND for all we know, he's actually sick.

"In sickness and in health"...to a point. He DOES have to get help.

b/c this isn't about staying married - at all costs...

but from where I sit, I see 2 people struggling mightily to be married,

and one of them isn't giving up yet...and that's him.


I applaud your efforts - and only ask that you not give up, today...

My IC is going as well as it can right now I think, but honestly, I'm still in a bad place. Just when I think I've got a handle on one thing (like sleep) I realize I've slipped up somewhere else (like now, anytime I'm completely alone, which is rare, but if I'm say, driving alone, if I see a car come close to me I think "maybe they will accidentally hit me and it will kill me and things will finally be over" I'm not consciencely in pain, but I find myself thinking about dying a LOT)


I think the thing that has changed for me since November is that I asked him over, and over, and over again and again about the truth of the matter. And then I found just a small amount of the truth, which was MUCH worse than what I had been lead to believe.

I think H is full of crap. I don't think he feels any different about me. I think he feels like sh!t about himself and he's projecting it on to me. I think he feels nothing different about me. I think his recent "change of heart" is a complete BS manipulation move to attempt to get me to stop being angry with him.

So I think nothing has changed since November for him. He's just digging himself a bigger hole.

We have 2 weeks to notify our apartment what we're doing. If we're staying or leaving in 60 days.

At this point, I don't even know what I want to do with him.

Leaving is not really feasible. I mean, it is, but I don't want to embarrass myself by shacking up at my parents again, and then potentially reconciling again. Because I've been on the other end of that deal, and I just lose all respect for that person and find myself saying "yeah, ok, whatever" and feeling no empathy for them if they keep putting themselves in the same situation.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice....

I'm really in a different place this year than I was last year. I'm having a really hard time wanting to be with someone who will say these kinds of things:

I promise I will never do this to you again.

You don't need to worry, I will be there for you.

When do you want to have another baby?

Let's pick out our "forever" home.

I'm willing to sign a post-nuptial agreement (this was in the hours following my physical attack).

Let's get that joint checking and credit card accounts that we've never had to show you how much I'm in this.

......someone who will say all those things, and then turn around and say, "well, we were just 'giving it a shot'. I wasn't really happy"......

What kind of person puts their family through all that horsesh!t, finally gets it together, only to say that was all supposedly false?

What kind of message does that send to my D? That no one, not even the people who you are supposed to trust most in the world, is trustworthy?

I'm really struggling with this.
_________________________
Me: 29
H: 31
D: 2
M: 5 years
T: 10 years
ILYBNILWY 2/28/11
I ask for trial separation: 6/3/11
H wants me home: 11/21/11
Found OW emails from 3/11: 3/12
Found pictures from 3/11: 9/12

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#2239046 - 04/19/12 12:38 AM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: mmayre16]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
ok, DIM... that part about you thinking about dying... well, it concerns me.

I would prefer if you do not tell me to not worry about it, and rather talk to someone, I suppose to your IC, as soon as possible, please? thanx.

Further to that, we all want our pain to end when we have it. It's normal...

And so is your anger...

This is a legitimate and honest question: do you want to be angry?

If you do, that's fine. How long would you like to be angry for? I'm not looking for an abstract answer such as, "until I get it all out" but rather an actual amount of time.

A week? A couple weeks? A month?

No kidding, this type of thinking works. If you set an amount of time that you would like to be full on angry, you give yourself permission to be angry, instead of fighting it... and then being angry at yourself for being angry...

By giving yourself permission to be angry, you can let it out, get it out of your system, and within the time you set, it is quite likely the majority of your anger will be gone... at least that "steam from the ears; instant react mode" anger will be...

So... how long would you like to be angry?

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#2239073 - 04/19/12 04:32 AM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: ~ kd ~]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10552
Loc: west coast
KD's post is spot on

you said at one point this is your fault b/c of your anger. Well, is it that OR your h or both or neither?

I bet you'll say both. So you own part of this..Not saying being angry does not make sense. It does. Just asking like KD, how long are we going to stay with the being mad part - b/c being mad doesn't not just sukk for your h, it sukks for YOU...which is what I care about the most.

Are you a woman of faith? If so, have to tried turning this over to Him? It's a lot to carry when you are a new mom.

Last but SO NOT LEAST...how is your beautiful d? She turns one soon!

Is she standing or walking yet? Can you Tell us about her?
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2239120 - 04/19/12 09:17 AM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: 25yearsmlc]
ESN Offline
Member

Registered: 03/18/11
Posts: 1566
May, a few quick things and I'll write more later -

The person who would say those things - and I'm dealing with this in therapy now - is called a person dealing in "verbal reality" - they say things that make them feel good and that is enough - they don't have to follow through and it confuses people around them (I deal with this in my ex-BF - i.e., "Do you want me to get you guys a swing set for the back yard? I'll get one and set it up.") (At this point, I know it'll never happen - he says it b/c it makes him feel like a good guy to say it).

Remember - behavior.

So, for instance, what happened with the joint checking?

He said it and then what? Was there talk about follow-through? Okay, let's open one this weekend after lunch? Does he expect you to go out and do it? (Well, with joint, I think you both have to be there).

What does that look like?

Just for your own sanity - remember VERBAL REALITY and BEHAVIORAL REALITY

So we know what he's SAYING but what's he been DOING? (Answer this if you can -) differently?

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#2239125 - 04/19/12 09:31 AM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: ESN]
ESN Offline
Member

Registered: 03/18/11
Posts: 1566
Also May - a few things about your D -

She is okay. Trust that. You nursed her for almost a year and that is a beautiful gift for your daughter - she is attached/bonded, and I'm sure doing well. She is not picking up on these things the same way adults do - "making it mean" something. Trust that what is good for the goose is good for the gander. She will thrive.

My daughter went through a lot from the time she was in utero til 8 months ago when her daddy picked up and left. She was deeply sad, but she has a close relationship with me now and I'm her "safe person" and her dad, who she is very attached to, she misses and loves being with - I don't know what that will mean for her growing up - but she has parents who love her and she is a happy funny little girl.

FOCUS ON YOU

The more you take the focus off you and put it on H or D, the longer I believe this will drag out. YOU have stuff to resolve.

Also, I would never tell a nursing mom to stop nursing - I nursed for two years and had to quit b/c my body couldn't take it much more.

BUT I will say - it contributed to 95% of my moods and emotions. The hormones are still there for me - and my PMS is god awful. Hormones are powerful chemical substances that can bring out the worst rages in women (estrogen). I know. I have friends like this.

Not saying your anger isn't real. It is, but it might be excerbated right now by nursing hormones -
And not to say you should quit, but know this....

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