Husband left me...feel hopeless

[hopingandpraying]

I do try to stay busy and have been trying to let my head do the leading but my head also tells me I should give this a little more time but then again he is giving me all the signs that he does not want me in his life and keeps pushing further away.

He is wearing his wedding band again which he out on two weeks ago but I'm trying not to look into this...

[YankeeCandle]

The wedding band on his finger is a good sign!! Do read it that way.

So, what are you doing to make him 'push you away'?

[Accuray]

Hopingandpraying,

Yes, the pain is brutal. Unfortunately there really isn't much I can say to help you with that. There are things I was able to do to help to feel better, but that's a relative term, if I went from a 1 to a 1.5 on a 10 point scale, that's feeling "better", but still feeling really really badly.

Here's my list of what helped me "feel" better FWIW:

1) DB Coach -- talking to the DB coach helped me understand that some aspects of my situation I thought were hopeless were actually anything but. The DB coach also helped me understand that many things I was taking personally really weren't about me at all. It helped immensely. Many people say they can't afford it. I couldn't afford it either. Here's how I looked at it -- if I broke my arm, I would go to the doctor and get it set, even if that meant going into debt -- I can't function with a broken arm. When W asked me for divorce, I was just as broken and couldn't function, so it was like a medical necessity to get help.

2) Reading -- I read a huge library of relationship books. I think what was most important to me is that I didn't want to end up here again, with W or someone new. Either way, I *really* wanted to understand what I had done or didn't do, and how I could change me to prevent the same thing from happening again. This helped me feel more in control and not as hopeless.

3) Friends -- I needed an emotional outlet, and W was telling me to pound sand, so I needed someone else to confide in. I really confided in two friends who became my 24x7 support system -- very helpful. DB coach or IC are fine, but you can't call them when you're feeling your worst unless it happens to coincide with what you have scheduled

4) Journaling / Posting -- It felt great to get it out. It felt great to have others comment on my sitch who could understand and offer guidance or just support. Sometimes I just wanted support instead of advice.

5) Exercise -- I started riding 15 - 20 miles per day on my road bike. The physical activity was great in terms of how my body felt, but the downside was lots of alone time to get triggered by my thoughts. Would have been great to ride with friends or in a group instead. Either way, exercise was great.

6) Time -- Undoubtedly what mattered most. One suggestion from my DB coach which I liked was to start rating yourself and/or your relationship. Whatever it is you are rating, put it on a ten point scale. If you're a "3", ask yourself why you're not a "2", what makes you better than a 2? Then celebrate that, that's what's going well. Don't skip that step. Then, ask what you'd be doing differently if you were a "4"? Don't shoot for 10, just shoot for one step higher. Then set a goal to attain 4, and re-evaluate. This exercise was good because it allows you to see progress in how you're feeling, allows you to celebrate what's going well, and allows you to set realistic goals versus considering it a failure until you're restored to your pre-bomb frame of mind.

That probably doesn't help you that much either. Time really is your best friend, it just seems to pass so slowly when you're in crisis.

Accuray

[hopingandpraying]

I'm not doing anything...I have given him complete space and have not contacted him in a week. We've been to db coaching two times and at the last one which was two wens ago he agreed to go on dates with me but then backed out of one of them so then I pulled back again and have not contacted him and he has not contacted me. Even before this week of no contact I only texted him 5 times in five weeks about our dog.

My db coach says to give him his space for another week to see if he begins to miss me and re evaluate the situation. I don't really forswear this happening because I do think he is so detached from the idea of us.

[YankeeCandle]

I would continue to give him space too. He's 'giving all the signs,' and it is sooooo confusing for us. But like Accuray says - they are a bit crazy at the moment. They think they want this, and that and everything else is sooo much better elsewhere. What they forget is that they take themselves everywhere they go.

It is hard, but it's a good opportunity to get self-focussed on things that you enjoy that will lift you up.

I too decided to give my H his space - from yesterday - will do that for a week and see how that goes. To be honest, I'm doing it more for myself though to give myself a break from thinking about it all the time. I will be seeing my H on Friday though anyway, so it's not exactly entirely dark, but I guess I decided to not initiate anything.

Busy-ness is therapy in these times

[Accuray]

What they forget is that they take themselves everywhere they go.

That's awesome, I'll remember that!

[hopingandpraying]

Good point Yankee.

I found out some more shady info today that my h has stol been sneaking around with this ow and had a different phone to use just for her. I don't think I can get over all the lies and deceit. The thing is that she is also married and supposedly they have been talking about how they need to stay safe from her h because he has threatened to be physical with both of them. I don't know this person that he has become.

[hopeless in wa]

Yankee, I know, I think Accuray could get a job at doing this! His advise is amazing.

[Accuray]

Thanks Hopeless in WA, I appreciate it!

HopingAndPraying,

I guess the good news is all the inexplicable behavior on H's part is suddenly easily explained. All the "I need to find myself" stuff was just script -- he's involved with OW and that's what this all comes down to. I'm so sorry it has come down to this, but often "knowing" makes things easier.

Spend some time thinking about what *you* want, there is no wrong answer. If this doesn't work out you will find love again. Try to step outside of your situation and look at it objectively.

If in the end you decide you truly want to move forward with H regardless of what he has done, then you unfortunately need to let the thing with OW run its course. Give space, spend the time to work on you. The best thing you can do for your sitch is:

1) Don't pursue -- don't call, text, or seek him out. Let him initiate everything.
2) Don't escalate -- if he hugs you, hug him back but don't kiss him, etc.
3) Be mysterious -- change things up! Dress differently, get a different haircut, engage in new activities, meet new people, explain nothing to H, make him wonder.
4) Be happy -- "act as if", "fake it until you make it", "get a life". Find things that bring you joy and focus on them.
5) Work on you -- 180 whatever issues you brought to the table, read, learn, figure out what drives you.

That is really it. In many ways you will need to do the opposite of how you feel. This assumes you want to go forward with H and like I said, that's up to you.

Let me know if I can help.

Accuray

[hopingandpraying]

I think I have decided to move forward without him. I cant deal with all this deceit. We will see how things go when overturn from my trip.