Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 15 of 19 1 2 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
Yeah its so hard because there are no clear cut rules or decisions made. Its just in limbo...which is not fun. I don't know how long ill be able to go with no contact and still decide to work on our marriage.


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
So h told me he just fooled around with this ow but now his friend told me he said they slept together. I have not said anything to him. I don't know if I can get over this even if my h ever wants to reconcile....


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 285
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 285
Hoping, I feel so bad for you right now. You are in my thoughts.

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
It just baffles my mind that this what you do to a completely faithful wife of two deployments. ...I feel fooled and completely betrayed. Hes nit the man I know or deserve to be with.


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
J
jks Offline
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
I am right there with ya, girl. I DO NOT understand it at all how people do not have the decency to at least say something before everything goes down the drain. I asked my H why he didn't just end it with me when he started sleeping with OW. Why didn't he just tell me he was doing that? It baffles my mind!! All he could say is, I don't know.

I feel bad because in your sitch, you really have no idea what he's doing right now. Continue to DB if in your heart you still want this. But you will have to decide that for yourself. I have a feeling for a while you're going to be back and forth with it. Don't do anything rash until you know for absolute certain. So much easier to just not love at all, isn't it?


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 285
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 285
Here here, jks. I don't have an ow, but I'm sure I can look forward to one in his future. This d. stuff is sooo hard. I'm thinkin my h. is going to ugly about finances and I don't know how p'ed off he is going to get at me. I just know I have to protect myself financially, no matter how mad it makes him. How does db'ing work when it gets adversarial and you have basically no contact, except divorce matters.

Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
Originally Posted By: jks
I DO NOT understand it at all how people do not have the decency to at least say something before everything goes down the drain. I asked my H why he didn't just end it with me when he started sleeping with OW. Why didn't he just tell me he was doing that? It baffles my mind!! All he could say is, I don't know.


It's fear and procrastination. Fear that when they confess you will throw all their clothes out the window like in the movies and lock them out. Fear that they are not really done with their relationship with you, but you will reject them (ironic I know). Fear of losing a "safety net" by being able to return to your relationship if their other one doesn't work out. Procrastination because they know having the conversation is going to be painful, so there's always a reason to put it off until "later". It's a very human thing to do unfortunately.

People are afraid of being alone. They take great comfort in the fact that you are "there for them" even if they are not there for you. Therefore, they will avoid confrontation because there is a risk that you will reject them and they will end up alone.

The other thing that often happens is that they convince themselves that what they are doing is OK. They will construct elaborate justifications, about how you once said X to them, and that meant Y, and so it's ok if they went out and found someone else. It's all B.S.

That's why they tell you not to believe anything they say. The WAS feels very guilty for what they have done, and that's a terrible feeling, so they cope by constructing crazy rationalizations and convince themselves of their truth and that it makes everything OK. Eventually they begin to believe their own story and that lets the guilt diminish or disappear and is replaced by anger -- they are angry at YOU for putting them in this situation. If only you had been better, they wouldn't have had to stray, and now they feel badly about it, so it's your fault! It's crazy talk.

The key thing for you is to own the problems you brought to the marriage and work on them, but do NOT believe what the WAS is telling you and do not accept those guilty feelings for driving them away. They could have refused temptation, they could have worked on the R with you, but they did not. That is not your fault.

The other thing is to respect the power of that "safety net" for the WAS. As long as they believe you will take them back at a moment's notice, there is not much reason for them to face themselves. It is by changing up your act, and making them wonder what you're doing and thinking, that you motivate them to wonder what's going on, and to examine their own role in this.

Detach pays two benefits -- for one, it allows you to rebuild yourself without relying upon your spouse's reaction to determine your worth, and for another, it leads the spouse to begin to *think* which they really try to avoid doing.

If you can visualize it, the more successful you are at detaching and rebuilding independently, the more reason the WAS really *should* wonder and start to reconsider, because your paths are clearly diverging -- you need them less. When you need them less, they will want you more, and that's the cruel irony of it.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
Accurate;

Your post makes sense psychologically and I understand that. As you know it does not take away the pain...I wish it did...haha! I do think he is a complete coward fir doing this. He started the ea affair prior to leaving but started getting physical supposedly only after he left.

Its hard to not even communicate at all about this and I hope he is at our house starting to think about things. I amalso thinking about things because the constant lying and deceit is not attractive!


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 335
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 335
Accuray - WOW!!! This is the best analysis I've ever read of the reasons for doing A B or C. Truly great post. Thanks for shedding light on that.

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 335
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 335
H&P - It certainly doesn't take the pain away, I know. I oscillate between head and heart. Today I was clearing out some things from my house, baby steps towards moving. I felt sad and so forth. Still, I know this is the right thing for me.

Sometimes, gotta let the head lead for a while so you can get some much needed peace in the heart.

Best thing to do is keep yourself busy. For me, doing any kind of paperwork does the trick. It does all get better in time too smile

Page 15 of 19 1 2 13 14 15 16 17 18 19

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard