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#2233376 - 03/26/12 12:37 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: chatterbug]
jc180 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 41
I have several goals this week. First of all to get back to the gym this monday through friday. I also haven't been cooking at home. So starting today I will make dinner all this week. Last week I went to get some groceries and I had a bad time. I just panicked and didn't know what I was doing. It's like I forgot what to do. I had to adjust my thinking from "family" to "us" meaning my son and I. Also, of course to keep putting in applications for work.

This weekend was its own type of roller coaster. I had my son all weekend. We did some fun stuff but it had a sense of sadness for me. I just keep thinking of what was and what could be. Plus, my son was asking for mommy.

W sent me a text telling me she has separated our phone accounts. She was also upset I didn't send her updates on our son. I told her she was welcome to call anytime, but she sarcastically said it wasn't convenient for me. When she picked him up I asked if she considered returning home and she flatly said no. Then she asked when she was getting served with papers. I said I didn't know. She also said her first lawyer did work out and it would be a while.

I also was stunned at her shorts! They were very short. I asked her about them and she claimed she was in a hurry when she bought them and didn't realize how short they were. My family said it's just part of the "new" her. She told me she wanted her freedom and I guess this is part of it. I keep thinking she is following in the foot steps of her new friend. Which invited her to celebrate her divorce in miami last year. They didn't go but it was an awkward thing for her to ask me considering we were going to marriage counseling at the time. I think this all fits into my idea that she is going through a Mid-life crisis.
_________________________
Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012

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#2233381 - 03/26/12 12:50 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: jc180]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
I do not believe in MLC. Poor behavior is poor behavior. Call it what you will...

Work on your goals this week. And make it your number one priority.

You have to get your mind strong so you can be strong for your boy.

So when you wavier look at a picture of him. And think about how important it is for him to have a loving honest parent in the future.

You need to keep up with not contacting your wife when ever she wants a weather report. State to her that you will only contact if its an emergency.

You need to stop asking her to return home. Just do not talk about it. And do not talk about the legal side with her as well. You just need to stay quiet on these things.

You need to concentrate on your goals and start to rebuild your life.

And round out your knowledge of everything that is going on around you.

Act 'As if' and 'smile and wave'.

These are how you counter venom and arguments. Stay out of them. Do not notice her appearance on the outside. And then push it out of your mind.

Remember. You are the catch here. A father who knows how to raise a son. That is a good quality to have. So be proud of it. Keep working on yourself.

And journal.

Do you know all the aspects of the marriage that you did not like ?
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

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#2233701 - 03/27/12 01:18 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: chatterbug]
jc180 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 41
Yesterday she came over and our son was asleep. She had mentioned that she went to Church on Sunday and that the sermon was all about me. So while she was here she asked about the bills. I told her I wasn't going to make any changes on the advice of my attorney and that I will comply with whatever the judge wants. I sat down at the computer and found the sermon online. She pulls up a chair and we watched it together. It was about Jacob and how he was a cheat and manipulator all his life until he lives up to God's desire for him and he changes his ways. Afterwards she told me that I was a liar and manipulator for our entire marriage. She also said that I was her darkness and she was washing her hands of me. I told her it was ironic that she was using the sermon to justify her breaking her vows. She said she is a good person and I don't respect women. She also said right now she is in hell but she would rather stay in hell than come back to me. Wow! I have never been so hurt. The only positive thing I could say about what happened is that I never told her anything negative or threw accusations at her. I stayed calm and left the house. In hindsight I know she baited me into an argument, but I didn't think it was going to turn out that way since she pulled up a seat and watched the sermon with me.

Our friends are telling me that everything she is saying about me is not true. When I ask them to be objective and truthful they tell me that they just don't see me that way.

So my lawyer wants me to get some character witnesses ready and to take pictures of our home. We should be in court next Monday for temporary orders. She should be getting served today or tomorrow. I'm getting ready for the venom that is going to come my way.

Her father called me Sunday evening. He is a good man and I admire him greatly. He told me that if I want to keep my family together I have to stay firm. To pray and stay faithful and in time I might get what I want. I was worried that my in-laws would see me in a negative light since I have not shared with them my point of view. I don't think it would be appropriate for me to reach out to them. It was a good feeling to know they are thinking about me and my son.
_________________________
Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012

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#2233743 - 03/27/12 04:52 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: jc180]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
Well its a good thing you have worked on your issues. Ignore venom. Next time do not get sucked in. Just get up and walk away. She will figure it out eventually.

Also. If she come at you physically. Grab your son , leave the house and call the police. Do not even attempt to reason with her if she goes down that path. Have her removed for your safety , her safety and your sons.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

Top
#2233859 - 03/28/12 01:46 AM Re: looking for hope [Re: chatterbug]
jc180 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 41
So far I have been keeping up with my goals. I started making dinner again and I have been to the gym twice this week. I also keep applying for jobs.

After my gym class was over I decided to stay for the next one. I knew there was a chance my W might show up but I thought since she now lives on the other side of town it probably wouldn't happen. Plus, she had our son for the evening. She did show up and with her sister. After the venom she threw at me last time I saw her I was nervous but I tried to act "as if". She tried to be funny and said "we need to stop meeting this way." I said hello to both of them and we made small talk. She tried to tell me about her plans for after the divorce but I didn't engage. So it was a short sentence or two from her about moving into her parents house. Two things I noted were that she noticed I didn't have a mat and a weight for the class. She grabbed me both when she got hers. Also, they both set up right next to me even though there was plenty of space. I'm not putting too much meaning into it. I just found it curious since I supposedly ruined her life. I'm sure things are going to get a lot uglier when she sees the temporary orders my lawyer drew up. He is asking for custody, child support, spousal support, and residency.
_________________________
Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012

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#2233987 - 03/28/12 01:16 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: jc180]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
That's good JC. And I agree with you not reading too much into the gym thing. Its good to see that. I am sure you would have done the same thing. As it is the normal and decent thing to do. Keep up with your goals and remember that being nervous is normal in this crazy moment. Sounds like you were a respectful gentleman during the whole time. smile

And good luck with the legal aspects. Learn that document inside and out. And read up on what is going to happen next. Just remember to never lose your cool. Nor be disrespectful. Walk away from the venom.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

Top
#2234073 - 03/28/12 08:41 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: chatterbug]
jc180 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 41
Today's been a hard day. My W came over to pick up Son. She said her lawyer will be talking to my lawyer tomorrow because she got served today. To quote her "It's on." Then she gathered his things and left.

I was expecting her to be furious. I must admit that I was hurt at her nonchalant attitude. As each milestone passes I keep hoping it will turn her around. First it was being away from home. Then spending a weekend without our son. And now being served. So far she is just as determined now as she was before. I read a story in a book called "I am second." It was about an affair. The part that really stuck with me was the wife's belief that signing the divorce papers would bring her happiness. As it turned out she felt nothing. What she expected to happen didn't.

I think she must have been upset. Maybe this is a new way of her to bait me into a fight. She knows that it upsets me very much and if she acts like it doesn't bother her then I will be hurt. I am proud to say that I only talked about our son as she got him ready. Of course, after she left I had a fit.

Today was also my last day with my personal trainer. She is such a great person. After we were done she told me she would keep scheduling me so long as no one else needed her. I thanked her and agreed to see her Friday. Even though I'm feeling depressed it's good to know that there are people out there who care about others.
_________________________
Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012

Top
#2234135 - 03/29/12 08:44 AM Re: looking for hope [Re: jc180]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
Jc you gotta stop being afraid of Mrs. JC right. The legalities are to protect you and your son.

This is what she wants. So let her have it. You need to start thinking this. You need to start to thinking that her actions are consistent. Her path is consistent.

Then you need to continue to move in your path. Continue to be consistent in it. Continue to grow as a MAN and become the best MAN that you can be. Keep building your self respect. Keep being even headed. Keep being polite. Keep being respectful.

Continue to keep vindictiveness at bay.

If she wants to be a part of that path. She will start to pursue you and do what it takes.

So keep working on your self and build your self respect.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

Top
#2235545 - 04/05/12 12:27 AM Re: looking for hope [Re: chatterbug]
jc180 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 41
It's been almost a week since I've posted.

So far things are still a roller coaster. One minute my W is acting civil and the next she is sending me angry text messages. We had to push our court date back a week since her lawyer was not ready. All attempts by me to negotiate before we go to court have not been well received. She will agree at first but then when she goes back to her lawyer she takes back every compromise we agreed to. I can say that I have been keeping my temper in check. Her negative attitude is getting worse. She now refuses to put any money into our checking account and is buying everything herself. Which means I have to pay for my own gas and such. Someone a few post back said she was trying to starve me of my lawyer funds and I agree.

I wanted to get an opinion on something that happened today. She called me about 20 minutes before she was to pick up our son and told me she was going to be late. I had a gym class that I would have been very late to if I stayed and waited for her. So I told her I would take my son with me and she could pick him up after because she called me too late and did not make other arrangements. She asked where I was going and I said I had "plans." I don't feel I have to report to her when and where I am going since she made this clear to me when it came to her. So she became angry. I told her this is what divorce is like and she had to get used to it. I had a life and I wasn't going to sit around and wait for her. She threw it in my face that I was the one who filed for divorce, even though she was the one who kept asking for one and moved out.

So did I do the right thing? I took my son with me and I came back right after. She showed up a few minutes after we got home. I suppose I could have let her pick him up at the gym, but I would have had to leave the class and sign my son out. I am concerned that I might have acted out of anger. Especially since earlier in the day she told me she refuses to discuss a negotiation on the temporary terms. She wants to only discuss matters through our attorneys.

When I got home tonight I noticed she removed all of the pictures of us from around the house. When I asked her if she did she said yes and that "it is not healthy." Thoughts?

As far as my goals are concerned I have done a good job of following through. I went to the gym every weekday and twice on tuesdays. I also have kept looking for work. I did some yard work and the house is clean. I'm trying a new audiobook called "The unexpected legacy of divorce: the 25 year landmark study." I also went to a new church and enjoyed the sermon. Another positive thing is that I went for a physical and everything came out fantastic. My Doc showed me my blood work from a year ago and it was horrible. My cholesterol was high across the board. Well not this year! Everything was normal and I've lost 34 lbs since my last checkup. I was so happy I showed my wife the results. Of course she said "where's my credit" because she was the one who "forced" me to the gym. I told her I'll give her partial credit only because I did all of the work and she never stopped complaining that she had to force me to go.

Thanks for listening.
_________________________
Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012

Top
#2235550 - 04/05/12 01:02 AM Re: looking for hope [Re: jc180]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
Hi JC. A word of advice. The next time. That plans change due to timing. Just say. What your doing. Then say that you will be home at such and such time and that she can arrive then. Then just end the conversation. Then just mute your phone. Do not say anything more. As Silence is what divorce is like. This is what she needs to experience.

Next. The next time she is not ready with the lawyers. Too bad. Press through the lawyer.

The pictures. Its her attacking you. And only you. Remember you are breaking up. These are things that happen. Part of the spite. Part of the venom. Only you can ignore it. Only you can just let it go.

So keep on with GAL. Keep on with getting your life back in order.

That is what you control.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

Top
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