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ah, where do I begin? My husband and I started marriage counseling in January and about a month ago he told me that he doesn't need to do it anymore, he knows it isn't going to work because he doesn't love me. He says that he married me for all the wrong reasons (my good traits) and he loves me now for those ("being an amazing mother to our children") but there is just no romantic love between us.
In therapy we have learned that he has a very passive aggressive personality and has had problems a long the way that he didn't address with me ( I am messy, I take advantage of his "kindness"). So he has been withdrawing for long time. And she thinks that he has completely checked out at this point.
He complained to our mutual friend that we just don't have an emotional connection, but that is exactly the reason I wanted to start therapy in the first place! I am so blindsided that if it wasn't for our 2 small children I would say I would walk away. His father called me tonight and said that he knows he is making the biggest mistake of his life. People don't "find happiness" by walking away from their family. There is no OW that I know of, and no one else thinks there is either.
Any suggestions or words or wisdom would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks!

Me 36, H 36
M 10, T 13
S 4 1/2, D 2


M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets
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Bumping ^^


BITS
M 38
W 36
D 7
Married 15 yrs
W left for 6 months in 2009
W Filed for D 01/03/11
piecing now...
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Read some current threads. This is common language for WASs. They all say pretty much the same thing and we the LBS, all react and say much the same things.

For passive-aggressives who won't often admit to having a problem, MC could be very scary because they have to face their issues, and then work on their issues. They'd much rather balme you for the issue.

I'm not saying MC was a bad thing but it's sometimes overwhelming.

Keep reading and posting.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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This is going to be tough to read. I too have a P/A spouse.
The lessons I learned in a nutshell...
1) Let him go, but make it clear you don't want a divorce, but if he wants one, he'll have to do the work. You won't help, you won't hinder.

2) Do the counseling for yourself, without expectation he'll go along for the ride. Address those things within you that contributed to he sense of alienation.
If you're like many of us here, you were the relationship fixer and with that go a whole lot of thought patterns and behaviours that are perceived negatively by our spouses and others.

3)Get yourself a life that does not include him, learn that your happiness resides within you, and his resides within him. You can't MAKE anyone happy.

Get and read Divorce Busting and Divorce Recovery. Apply the principles.

In the meantime understand it's NOT about you.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
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fightingforit,

From what I've read this happens pretty frequently in MC. I read that 90% of the time, one person is coming to work on the relationship, and the other person is coming to:

1) "Fix" the other person
2) Help the other person realize that the M is over
3) Get validation that the R problems are all due to the other person

Therefore, one partner is willing, one is unwilling. You can, however, work on your relationship alone. The DB books talk about this, so definitely read them!

I've been on this forum for a while, and in my experience it's pretty rare for one person to just up and walk away without an EA or a PA going on. The pattern is usually that the person here says "my spouse would NEVER do that", and then after some period of time an affair of some kind is revealed. People typically don't jump without somewhere to land.

I'm not saying this to scare you or hurt you -- the point of me telling you that is that the results you will get from "Divorcebusting" vary considerably depending on if there is an affair going on. If there is no "other person", then you truly can make progress in restoring your marriage. As long as "other person" is in the picture, all you can really do is tread water and not make things worse relationship-wise, while using the time to work on yourself.

If you follow the suggestions in DB, do it well, and are seeing no results at all, I would be suspicious that something may be going on that you're not aware of. Don't get frustrated and think the program isn't working, you just need to adjust your timescale for how long it might take.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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fightingforit,

Similar sitch here.

My H left nearly 2 months ago and swears there is no OP. I have heard rumors and have an idea of who it might be. And when I "let myself go there" I actually slept better. All those awful things my H said about why he HAD to leave - I failed as a wife, I'm a terrible mother because I fed my kids chicken nuggets, I never brought him iced tea when he mowed the lawn, etc, etc, etc - they didn't feel like the real reason he left anymore. Because it's not the reason why he left - it's the excuse why he left. He needs an excuse to leave and make me the bad guy otherwise he's the bad guy and that doesn't fit his image. Besides, now that he knows (and I actually told him 2 months before he left that I would never leave him, no matter what) that I am standing for our marriage, he really looks like the bad guy leaving his wife and 3 kids. So keep in mind he's trying to convince himself, along with you but that doesn't make it the truth.

Keep strong!


Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved out: 2/12/12
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Wow, thanks everyone. I am so encouraged to have logged on and find such thoughtful advice. Today is my 37th birthday and I spent it with my kids and brother. I got a text from my husband that said "Happy Birthday." We have been out of town for 3 days, I may be sensitive but that seems like even his text is passive aggressive.

labug- thanks, I will check out the other forums. Wasn't sure if it was WAS or midlife crisis. Makes sense what you said about therapy. She has basically said that I have been the identified "patient" in our relationship. He likes to seem perfect and had me to project things onto. I am doing individual therapy as well, and getting so much stronger. Setting boundaries with the things he is allowed to say to me. I asked him in the beginning if this was going to throw him off, but of course he said no.

Queen- Please tell me any insight you have on passive aggressive people? Can they change? Anything info would be useful at this point.

Accuray- I agree, I have questioned it many times myself. I will keep it on the forefront of my mind, but he denies anything with anyone.

He is currently living in a separate part of the house. I have asked him to move out because it is too emotionally draining for me to have him here and try to act "as if" I am doing ok with everything. I also thought that if he moved out he would miss the kids and I more. Any thoughts or advice?

Thanks so being so welcoming to a newcomer!


M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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About the P/A stuff, we're all P/A at times, some people make a career of it. We sometimes spend a lot of time and energy on trying to figure out just what's wrong with the WAS when that energy would be better spent on working on ourselves.

If he is P/A that's his issue to deal with, there is nothing you can do abut it. But you can change the way you do things, the way you communicate which can make your life and all your relationships better.

You will always have you, you may or may not have H. You can't control anyone but yourself. Set your goals for you and work toward that. Read DB/DR and use the tools it provides. Don't turn it into a chess game, countering moves. Make changes that make you a better person, no matter the outcome.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,307
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There is one thing I really found helpful in understanding how passive aggressiveness works.
I suggest you search for The Three Faces of Victim,
An Overview of the Drama Triangle on the internet.
In that one article is a wealth of information on the dynamic.

labug is correct in that if your spouse is P/A only he can change that about him. He has to choose not to be anyone's victim. That means accountability, and for many being accountable for their choices, behaviour and decisions is scary.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
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Originally Posted By: labug
We sometimes spend a lot of time and energy on trying to figure out just what's wrong with the WAS when that energy would be better spent on working on ourselves.

You will always have you, you may or may not have H. You can't control anyone but yourself. Set your goals for you and work toward that. Read DB/DR and use the tools it provides. Don't turn it into a chess game, countering moves. Make changes that make you a better person, no matter the outcome.


the first sentence - oh i wish i'd realized that months ago, but finally i'm there now - it is the most pivotal change for me in my switch - to turn the focus on myself and much much less on him. wish i'd known this at the beginning - or always for that matter!

love what you wrote labug - thanks

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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