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Joined: Oct 2011
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I met some goals in the 3 week mark.

*H closes the door behind him and sometimes parks on the street and not halfway in the driveway (as if he's running out soon).

*More of the same behavior-
-emotional intimacy (we will talk about things unrelated to the kids, work, his family, his recovery!)
-he initiates more family outings (almost every week) and if I initiate them he will sometimes agree to it smile
-he answers all cell phone calls in front of me and will tell me who it is. Before he would text like crazy most of the time if someone called and he wouldn't say who it was or would leave the room to answer
-he lingers more. HE said that he would like to spend time with S3 at home after work instead of at his moms.

>I have continued detaching (Al Anon helps a lot!)
>Continued acting as if
>Continued GAL, although it's not mysterious (he didn't respond well to mysterious)
>He believes my 180s are permanent changes (this worries me because I've read that when they are convinced then they start to consider coming back. n he hasn't. he keeps talking about us being apart in the future)
>I continue tapping into his LLs. Main one, acts of service. I know this sounds very old school, but I make him something when he's here. (breakfast and/or dinner) I can tell he really likes this!! (BTW I tried doing this when we were together but he would politely say no thank you. Now I do it even if he says no-n he'll eat it!)

I have to admit that although this situation can REALLY hurt your self esteem (and believe me it really hurt mine!) It has rebuilt it and it's stronger. I'm not completely myself but I'm getting there.

I have one YAY for me, I have longer periods where I'm not angry! And periods where I accept that this may be a permanent situation for us.

He's moving into his apt this month. This will be another downward spiral for me and I'm trying very hard to detach!

OHHH! BTW!! He gave me a hug for mother's day! Wooo Hoo! (My LL is Physical touch!)


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,167
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In this past week I have made some goals for me.

-S3 no longer needs me to stay with him til he falls asleep! WHOO HOO!! A couple hours for myself!
-I kept up with my self esteem workbook (it really works)
-I journal every night
-I read my al anon literature
-I try to meditate daily or as often as I can.

I learned this week that I can't let go of my self help resources. When I do I crack!

I called a friend and regretted it. She's such a Debbie Downer! I am definitely keeping some distance from her for a bit.
I spent time with my family (siblings, mom, kids) today. I need to keep some distance from them also. Not forever, just until I can enjoy their company without being affected by their dynamics...

H said he didn't want to eat the breakfast I make for him because he doesn't want me to throw it in his face if I get angry. I cried. I said, I do it just because and don't expect anything in return. The tears just came out frown couldn't help myself.

Looking back, I think it's because he knows he's not coming back and doesn't want me to get my hopes up frown

I need to detach...


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
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You are doing amazing. Dont shame yourself for having feelings. He behavior is cruel you are the mother of his two kids of course you will have feelings of sadness. Continue to work your program and dont worry about what he is doing. He is making a huge mistake.


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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thank you brooke!
Today was especially difficult. I felt as if I was going through this process all over again. He moved out the remaining things from the house and garage into his apt.
What hurt more was how happy he was all day. D@mn him!

I had a "aha" moment towards the end of the day.

When my son was constantly sick and in the hospital I was able to manage my emotions because I knew that I wasn't a doctor and my job, what I did have control over was to help my son heal. I never lost it and had so much faith in them.

I see this as the same. I can only handle me! I need to leave it up to my higher power.

He agreed to talk to me about "us" on Tues. I believe I will be going dark after my son's bday. I wouldn't want to anyone to spoil that day.


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,167
2
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We had "the R talk" today.

I asked him what are your plans as far as R. He said he doesn't want me to hold on to hope because it's not fair for me. However he didn't give me a definite answer.

I said I would like to know because I want to know if I should move on from this. For us, the best situation is to have him home but if that's not what he chooses, then I respect it. I said, I also appreciate all your help with the kids yet there does need to be a time for me (no contact) to heal.

He seemed very struck by this. I said it would be temporary. I don't know how long but long enough where I can feel completely detached. It's too difficult for me to respect his choice not to live with us if he comes over 3 times a day.

He called after. worried about how I was doing. I was VERY good. AND I WASN'T "ACTING AS IF". I finally feel really really good. cuz I know that for 10 months I fought for my marriage. For 10 months I put my marriage first for my children and for my marriage and now I get to put myself first.

My plan, to gradually do the no contact. First, no bedtime visits. Then no morning visits. Next, no afternoon visits. Finally biweekly visitation on weekends. I let him know we can go back to more visits once I'm ready.

I feel sooo good! absolutely No regrets!


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,167
2
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I'm feeling really down today. I need some DB advice/encouragement.


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 934
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What are you doing for you today to GAL?

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I took S3 to parent ed n went to an al anon meeting. organizing my house and napping kids. gonna do housework since I can't really go out and it keeps me busy. I've become a neat freak. It's the only thing I can control since my life is unmanageable.


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
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It called Cake Eating. I did not understand really what it was myself until a month or 2 ago. Your H and mine to understand that one day he will not be invited over whenever he feels like it. One day you will have another boyfriend or H helping at bedtime. Getting D means that he will miss out on things. You need a schedule. You need to make someone else the bad guy - like a parent or therapist. Tell H I wish I could keep letting you come over whenever but my C says its not a good idea, its giving the kids mixed messages. Blame it on someone else and stick to a schedule for atleast 6 months.

(Look I really dont know what to do, I'm just thinking out loud)

Also something to consider would be registering for a dating web site and paying for it using a common bank account so he can see you are moving on. (I plan to do this as soon as my new ATM comes in the mail)

Keep up with the Al anon, it has really helped me too. You are a wonderful woman and mom, if your H would take a second and look. keep your head up:)


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,167
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I just vomited all over a conversation I had with H right now. I brought up old stuff (affair stuff) and used it against him. Told him I didn't want him coming over anymore. Told him, he treats everyone better than me, even acquaintances. Told him, I'm tired. Let's just assume he's never coming back and go about our day as if he's never coming back. I said, I'm not telling you I don't want you to come back but I'm tired of ignoring the elephant in the room. Let's just leave it as if you're never coming back.

His response, I appreciate you more now than before. You're the mother of my kids. It's important to me that you are ok. You treat me better than anyone and put everything I've done to you aside.

What sparked my upheaval? I had 1/2 a glass of wine on an empty stomach (I'm a light weight!)
AND...
I'm tired of waiting. My patience is running out. Al Anon teaches me to detach with love, I just pushed him off a cliff!
PLUS! I set out some food for him and S4 and he said, thank I really appreciate it.

I hate that he says that cuz he never used to say that before. Do I sound like a lunatic? I would have rather appreciated, thank you (Veronica). that's it.

he called after. we talked. i backpedaled. it worked.

i don't want to DB anymore. I want to take the train to acceptance.


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
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