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#2235875 - 04/06/12 03:07 AM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
That's good, SIW...

I am sure you are doing the best you can in the PMA department, but sometimes it's good to have someone remind us if we're heading for the human version of BSOD.

Hope for the best, plan the worst, have no expectations, and keep moving forward...

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#2235877 - 04/06/12 04:12 AM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: ~ kd ~]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 218
Don't want the BSOD smile If I could describe one word for my feelings for my W it would not be anger, but I think maybe frustration.

While I keep moving forward I need to remind myself that the journey with my W will be much different and full of obstacles. I guess that when she starts talking like a WAS the fixer in me goes into overdrive. Rather than taking things day by day I panic and then start thinking and acting negatively. Even W saw that I was acting different on Thursday Night.
_________________________
M:37
W:34
S:10
D:6
2/29/12 - I don't love you but we can be friends
3/27/12 - W has consulation with L

I won't give up on us Even if the skies get rough

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#2235880 - 04/06/12 04:33 AM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 218
Stupid question but one that has come up and left me dumb founded:

1) W doesn't know if her feelings will ever change, what do you do when she brings it up? Listen, ignore what?
_________________________
M:37
W:34
S:10
D:6
2/29/12 - I don't love you but we can be friends
3/27/12 - W has consulation with L

I won't give up on us Even if the skies get rough

Top
#2235881 - 04/06/12 04:51 AM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
mindfull Offline
Member

Registered: 11/27/08
Posts: 3975
Hi Sad... I've been reading along... I'm just south of your border!

What if, the next time she brings it up... You just tell her..

"Listen, W, I get it that you don't trust my changes. And, I am really starting to understand your concerns about your feelings never changing, as mine have changed, too. With these improvements, comes a better me requiring much more out of a marriage than status quo."

And, let it sit.
_________________________
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13

After many years w/my head in the sand...
I FILED
Divorced 6/2011

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

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#2235882 - 04/06/12 04:56 AM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: mindfull]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 218
Mindfull,

Thanks for the suggestion. I have to understand that when it comes to W I need to have patience, something I don't have. I need to stay the course.

SIW
_________________________
M:37
W:34
S:10
D:6
2/29/12 - I don't love you but we can be friends
3/27/12 - W has consulation with L

I won't give up on us Even if the skies get rough

Top
#2235908 - 04/06/12 09:06 AM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 218
I think that when my W decides to drink I will leave the house for the night. This morning she did not recall our conversations, I think that I need to set this boundary rather than having to baby sit her.

She told me this morning that it only took us month to get the finances straight and that she is having a hard time adjusting to me helping with the finances. Kids were waking up so I could not spend much time discussing this with her.

I was looking at our bills and it looks like she is going to have a large junk of money left from the funds that I give her to pay some of the household bills. Is it wrong for me to suggest that I keep the money in savings?
_________________________
M:37
W:34
S:10
D:6
2/29/12 - I don't love you but we can be friends
3/27/12 - W has consulation with L

I won't give up on us Even if the skies get rough

Top
#2235923 - 04/06/12 10:08 AM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: ~ kd ~]
Starsky309 Online   content
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 3750
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
SIW, you are getting standard WAS script...

You need to shift your focus to you and your kids, ONLY...

She needs to work through her stuff...

You need to work through yours, take care of yourself, and take care of your kids...

Detach and and give your W at least the physical space she's asking for AND more emotional space than she's asking for...


This. ^^^^


Quote:
How can I work on romance when my W has a wall between us?



You can't. Not yet.


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2235925 - 04/06/12 10:13 AM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
Starsky309 Online   content
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 3750
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Sad in WI
I guess that when she starts talking like a WAS the fixer in me goes into overdrive. Rather than taking things day by day I panic and then start thinking and acting negatively. Even W saw that I was acting different on Thursday Night.


Sad (GOD, you need to change that username!!),

If you haven't already done so, I'd suggest you do some basic reading on infidelity. There are several good books on it, and also you can read other people's sitches here on this forum. Because "when your wife starts talking like a WAS" is precisely the time you should see it as SCRIPT, just laugh a little inside to yourself, and DON'T ENGAGE.

You've got it backwards. Rather than "panic," you should actually draw COMFORT from just how typical, predictive, and "SCRIPT" everything she's saying is.

And knowing this, you can better plan your responses . . . in advance.


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2235927 - 04/06/12 10:15 AM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
Starsky309 Online   content
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 3750
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Sad in WI
Stupid question but one that has come up and left me dumb founded:

1) W doesn't know if her feelings will ever change, what do you do when she brings it up? Listen, ignore what?



A: "Considering what our marriage was like in the past, I can certainly understand you feeling that way. All I can tell you is that I LIKE the self-improvements that I'm making, and they make ME FEEL GOOD. I fully intend to keep at this, regardless of what happens with our marriage, as I'm going to need a "new Sad" in ANY future relationship, cuz the old Sad wasn't working for me."


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2235928 - 04/06/12 10:16 AM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
Starsky309 Online   content
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 3750
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Sad in WI


She told me this morning that it only took us month to get the finances straight and that she is having a hard time adjusting to me helping with the finances.



A: "I understand. This has been incredibly difficult on all of us."


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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