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#2233685 - 03/27/12 11:34 AM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: workinghardguy]
figgeroni Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 936
Just a thought but why let her continue to share the time you have the kids...how is she going to miss family time if she gets it whenever she wants it

instead of offering that she comes with how about simply stating you are out to eat with the kids and will bring them home as scheduled. If she asks if she can come with, say you have already begun but will drop the kids off when you are done or you are enjoying the special daddy kid time and maybe some other time.

stop offering to be her family game night

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#2233824 - 03/27/12 09:46 PM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: figgeroni]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
I didn't go that route Figg because it was her night with the kids. I had them because she was working. Frankly I was surprised that she even offered to come get them when she got off early. She certainly didn't have to (I wouldn't have had a clue) and back when we were together she wouldn't have. In fact she would've gone to her friend's place and hung out there rather than come home and let me go do something. I actually felt it was respectful of her to let me know I could drop them off early if I wanted to. Now perhaps she was banking on me saying I'd keep them since she knows how much I miss SD and SS. And if that's the case then she played it well. But I really don't know that nor can I read her mind so I have to take it face value.

I guess I didn't really have an issue with her stopping for the ice cream. I believe she was surprised when I didn't change restaurants. That's a big 180 for me... in the past I would've caved to her pickyness in restaurants. Her getting the kids was actually more convenient for me as it saved me a trip back and forth across town. All totaled it was maybe 15 minutes of "family time". There's also a side of me that sees how happy all the kids are when we're together, particularly my S. We get along good and it's not really stressful. I used to breakdown and lose it whenever we had those "family moments" and I honestly didn't know if I could keep handling them. But lately it's been fine. It's the new reality. A different one for sure, not one I like that much but it is the reality. So deal with it or be run over by it.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

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#2235022 - 04/03/12 12:04 AM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: workinghardguy]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
Haven't talked to my W in about a week I think. I don't exactly remember to be quite honest. Saw her tonight though. Had all the kids tonight, first time in quite a while since she was on vacation last week. Man I missed them, especially my SD.

XH bought SS a cell phone so now SD has my W's "house phone". I'm glad... it means I can communicate with both SS and SD as I want to without having to go through XH or W. We all had a good night. S had a pizza party for his wrestling group and everyone had a good time.

Had my S all weekend and we had fun. S hit me up on Wednesday telling me I need to give mom money so she's not poor. I explored that a little trying to figure out if my W set him up or if he was just parroting what he hears. I'm pretty sure he was just parroting. I told him I do give mom money and that seemed to satisfy him.

Nothing really remarkable to report I'm afraid. I've been really busy though lately. So much that I never seem to have time to even clean the house or keep up with stuff. It's crazy. But I'm having fun. Still miss my W though... or at least miss "us". It comes in waves... my C says that's normal and to expect it. I just let it roll over me and don't fight it when it comes. It seems to pass pretty quickly when it does come.

W is struggling I can see that, but not doing anything about it. Tonight we were comparing schedule notes on the kids. She mentioned that she is getting tested for ADHD. She's worried about starting school and failing. Yep, I'd worry about that too. She admitted to me tonight how much I helped keep her on task and helped her get through nursing school. Then at one point she says "I'm so sick of being alone" and then quickly amended it to "I'm still getting used to being alone."

One amusing piece I find is her filing for the D, or lack thereof. I told her I wouldn't pay for it. It's $180... she told me again tonight that she hasn't filed yet because she lacks the money. Mind you she's gotten a new tattoo, spent the weekend out in a town 100 miles away, and replaced her phone that was on the fritz ($150). How we spend our money is a reflection of our priorities... so apparently our D doesn't rise about the above list of things.

Tomorrow night my S has his Kindergarten concert complete with a speaking role. He's very proud of himself. This weekend I get all three kids for two straight days and an overnight which makes me pretty happy. We're going to do Easter a day early so I can do it with them. SD's been asking for a sleepover and she finally gets one.

I'm getting used to being on my own... though I do have to get better at going to bed earlier! Hence I better logoff... this is an example of how I keep not meeting that goal!
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

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#2235029 - 04/03/12 12:21 AM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: workinghardguy]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
I know! I stay up way too late and spend too much time here, but it helps so much.

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#2235032 - 04/03/12 12:32 AM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: hopeless in wa]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8406
Loc: Sonoran Desert
WHG, you sound like you're in a much better place.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2235071 - 04/03/12 08:23 AM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: labug]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
Thanks LA, I think I am. The thing I'm probably struggling with the most right now is still the impact on the kids. I don't see SS and SD enough to know the impact. My S is doing good but I can still see it. On Saturday he told me he doesn't like the divorce because it means he can't see mommy when he wants to and can't see daddy when he wants to.

Probably the other struggle is resolving the fact that my W benefits from me advocating for myself and I just have to accept that or stop doing certain things. It's usually in respect to the kids. My C and I have gone round and round with it and I can't seem to find a solution. Here's an example:

Last week I asked my W if I could have all the kids for a sleepover one night and then have them all day on Friday, sleepover again, and then all day Saturday. It's her weekend with the kids but she's working on Saturday and spring break starts Thursday. So it's a perfect chance for me to spend some real time with SS and SD. SD's been asking to sleepover and this seemed like a good time to make that happen.

When I asked my W about it she looked at me like I had grown a second head. I asked her what the problem was... she replied that the kids have school. Ummm... no, the kids are on spring break (as if I'd pull the kids out of school... hello?).

So long story short... she didn't realize this coming Sunday was Easter nor that spring break was starting this Thursday (I asked her this last Sunday by the way). Since she didn't realize it she had no plans for child care or anything.

And so here I ride in again to save the day. It wasn't my intent... my intent was to spend some time with the kids, heck I was fearful she'd say no as Friday is her day off of work too.

So that frustrates me. I could have said nothing and not gotten the kids. Vacation would've blown up on her. I'm not trying to be vindictive, just letting her live her life. I would've really liked her to feel and experience that.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

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#2235073 - 04/03/12 08:52 AM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: workinghardguy]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8406
Loc: Sonoran Desert
You've had that White Knight-Damsel in Distress dynamic going for so long, it will be hard to break.

My thinking on life has changed so much in the last year. I no longer believe it's my job to make sure other's get the consequences I think they deserve. If I live my life honestly, intentionally and according to my values (which includes allowing others to live their lives, travel their path and not rescue) life will provide all the lessons needed.

I am by no means an expert at this, I'm breaking a lifetime of patterns and it's a challenge but it sure feels better. Knowing my boundaries and being able to maintain them is difficult for me but it does help keep the bad stuff out. And I've heard that a person with really good boundaries needs very few.

Yes, it's tough when the kids are hurt by adult decisions. My kids have been affected and they are young adults. I'm going through difficult times with S19 right now. It hurts but I can't fix it, I can support him but I can't fix it. I spent an hour with my IC yesterday and can't count the number of times I said: "But I can't fix it for him." All I can do is love him and give him the support he needs to move through this. I have to see him as a capable human being who can handle life's difficulties, not handicap him by seeing him as a person who can't.

It is good to know that you are moving through this and that things are perhaps better than you thought they might be at this stage.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2235077 - 04/03/12 09:11 AM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: labug]
gabbysmom23 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/31/08
Posts: 5505
Loc: NJ
Glad to hear you are doing well.

When it come to the situation you described as above, you offered to do something for you and your kids sake and not your STXW. It just so happened she can't seem to keep track of anything these days and didn't know when her kids spring break was. It wouldn't have been fair to the kids to back out to make her feel her consequences and not help her. You wanted the kids, you wanted to see them, that shouldn't change.

Now, it would be a different story if you had plans already that week and couldn't take them and she ran to you all of a sudden realizing she made a mistake. She would have had to figure that on out and remedy it herself.

Like Labug said, live your life honestly. You can't make others feel the consequences of their actions, nor can you save them all the time.

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#2236388 - 04/08/12 07:37 PM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: gabbysmom23]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
Wow... it's almost been a week since I posted an update. I guess I don't feel the pain quite as much now... that's what usually drove my postings. And today's been a little tough so I guess it makes sense that I find myself posting smile

It's been a pretty good week. Saw the kids a lot this week as W went back to work after her week of vacation. S had his concert this past week and had a speaking role, he was so proud of himself. He's definitely not shy of public speaking or microphones.

Had SS, SD, and S from Friday morning through this morning. It felt sooo good having a full house again. I guess that's why I'm a little down now... went from a full house to just me and that's quite a downshift. Taking some time to adjust to again I guess.

SS and SD were really at each other much of the weekend which made it a challenge at times but we still had fun. Took them out to dinner, to the pottery shop (SD had to finish her piece from S's birthday party), walked along the river, had an Easter dinner on Saturday since it was the last night they were here, my mom came. Ended the night with a bonfire, s'mores, and glow in the dark bubbles that the Easter bunny brought smile SS and SD know there's no bunny but S still believes.

This morning I made them a big breakfast, we played some XBox and then took them back to W's house.

Haven't communicated with W much lately. Maybe once every few days about kid stuff. We talked a little this morning, again about kid stuff. She took the convo off into "her land" so she could vent about her life but I steered it back to the kids and then said I had to get going. She mentioned that she had woke up so hungry this morning and had thought about calling and asking if she could come over and have breakfast with us but she didn't because she didn't want to intrude. She's never been a huge fan of most of my cooking, but breakfast is the exception. She hates making breakfast and I love it and do a pretty good job smile

Then she asked me what I had going on today and invited me over for Easter dinner. It's her mom, sisters, and all their connections coming over... I told her I had plans but if I was in the area or felt like it I might drop by to say hi. I wasn't sure how I felt so I tried to buy some time. Plus I actually had a plan for today... after having three kids for three days my house needs some love, I wanted to get my garden tilled, the beds prepped, and outside work done. None of which would happen if I spend the afternoon at a place I don't feel all that welcome in with people whom aren't the folks I would volunteer to spend an afternoon with if I had the choice (except for my kids of course).

When I got home and thought about it I still couldn't figure out the invite. It felt to me like she was guilty about me being alone on the holiday. But it also felt like she was dreading dealing with her family all by herself (she's never had to do that btw... any time she's ever hosted a holiday thing with her family she's always been attached to someone). I don't know... I can't read her mind but as I thought about it I realized I didn't want to go. If either of those reasons were it then neither is good. If it's that she really just wanted me there... well... great, she can miss me then. I don't particularly want to spend time with her sisters, their husbands, and their kids... not if I don't have to. And I don't have to, so I didn't.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

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#2236389 - 04/08/12 07:55 PM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: workinghardguy]
Gnosis Offline
Member

Registered: 08/01/09
Posts: 1779

It's good to start putting yourself first for a change, isn't it?

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