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Kids, you gotta love them. Pretty interesting same horoscopes!

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That is awesome that your son would notice such wonderful changes in you! Enjoy that acknowledgement of your efforts and let it be an encouragement for you on the journey!


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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zig, I've received the same validation from my sons, it feels so good to know I'm not deluding myself.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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it's definitely an encouragement. sometimes this journey gets too lonesome with absolutely no validation. we have to tamp down our own feelings and expressing them so much, that i think if he ever did try to work it out, i don't know if i could handle all that positive emotion!!


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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i'm so glad you have labug - and no - after the waking up, sadly there is no way we can delude ourselves - in fact sometimes i wish i didn't have to see everything so bloody clearly!!!


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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zig Offline OP
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woke up this morning feeling one step closer to letting go and making peace with this situation

labug - your advice of sitting with the picture of h not coming back and envisioning how my life would be - i did that, and you know, it didn't make me freak as it used to - the idea still hurts, but not as desperately as before.

on the other hand, i find that i am having a hard time seeing the life i want to lead. i can picture it in the type of person i want to be - my personality, but not in terms of what i want to do and the life style i'd like to live. that is still in it's infant stages, and i am trying to sit with it and just let it be. "independent" is still something i am working towards - in my mind and heart.


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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journaling

not having posted for so many days there is now so much to write, but i'll be brief ...

the trip to my parents was a great thing and a great disaster.

but i learned so much about myself and the dynamics of my family. but the biggest gift i came away with was the knowledge of the unconditional love i felt from my mother.

for the last few weeks i have been puzzled ,feeling very strongly that even though i had "woken up" and was getting everything i was changing about myself, there was some last thing - big - that i just couldn't put my finger on.

my last barrier, so to speak. and i feel that finally it came to light - the negative huge thing that has been deeply affecting me my whole life. i was finally able to recognize it for what it was this week, and just with that recognition , came huge relief and actually a sense of self-empowerment. that NOW, finally i know what sabotages all my relationships and living, and i can target it and work on it and get RID OF IT!!!!

and that is what i have done - i have always sabotaged the relationships i have with the people i love the most and want to be the closest to, and finally i understand why i do that . as for changing that within myself - i know it is not going to happen overnight, but i am determined that it will

H is right - about a lot of stuff - especially his fear of coming back, because we'll just fall right back into old patterns. all these months while i have been "transformed" i thought he was wrong to think that, until i met with my family - and before i knew it, i was so triggered and it was as if nothing had changed. i was so shocked to see myself become almost a child again, and act out quite horrifically. but this time i could SEE it and work through it.

then my mom and i talked and she told me about some of the things i did as a child, and suddenly it was like boing! i've done this all my life and now i have to stop!

one of H's grievances was that "he lived my sexual abuse". i thought i had understood what he meant, but i only found out this week. that night after i lost it - and i was screaming at my family that they didn't protect me when i was a child - i got online and found this amazing website about sexual abuse and read for hours - and that's when i realized that there were terrific long-term consequences if this was left unresolved and they weren't as "simple" as me not wanting to have sex all the time.

and suddenly it was like, oh my gosh - H was living this - in my behavior - the way i shut down and completely disassociated for hours or days - and on and on

my 180 in this situation - instead of disassociating this time - i apologized to my mom and sister - and talked to my mom a lot, and even though my brother was crazy angry with me for 3 days i was friendly to him.

and i was proud of myself for making a breakthrough - even if it was a small one

later my mom said to me that in spite of it being so utterly distressing (the five of us hadn't been alone together for over 20 yrs!) she was glad it happened and in an odd way felt this enormous sense of relief.

it took me until today to say i was sorry to my brother - no expectations, no conditions - while he growled back at me but i was able to with a clean heart


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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another post this one about S and H:

the "dreaded" day arrived - when H and s came back from their trip. he called from the airport - quite trashed (up till 3 in the morning) to basically ask if they could come here straight from the airport. i said yes and said i'd have dinner ready. i had no idea where s was going to be tonight - at H's house or mine and we decided to let s decide - H was actually not in any shape to keep him - he's been at a conference where it started really early every morning and then they all hit the bars and drank until 3 am - for 4 nights!! yes - i know - i've always joked in the past about how when he comes back from that conference, it takes him a week to recover!!

so they walked in and since i was just starting dinner - he decided to go out and mow the lawn ( i didn't let him do it last fall when all this started, even though he wanted to - today i just shrugged and said great!)

after dinner, he wanted to get on line and couldn't get onto his email account so i went over to help him - told him to put in his password again, and he put his hand on my shoulder and asked in a sort of joking way - don't you know it, haven't you been checking my email lately. i just smiled up and said, "no way, i learned when i snoop that it just comes back to bite me in the a$$!"

that's the first time he touched me in months (there were a lot of hugs etc in the first couple of months before the "withdrawal") and it was strange - i got the feeling that he did it deliberately and was very conscious of doing it.

later i casually invited him to see my new work room - i think he was a little shocked at the huge change. it was all too much for him, i think - i had had to tell him this evening that i had just discovered 2 days ago that we/rather he had over drafted on our bank account - he freaked out - that's a HUGE no-no for him and since he was so sleep deprived and really really trashed, he almost couldn't handle it - i could see him really trying to hold it together.

i took the opportunity of touching him the same way on his shoulder, and calmed him down and told him we could deal with it later. i think he left feeling really overwhelmed - but after some sleep, i'm sure he'll be fine

about s - i think he's really hurt by H right now - H didn't call him even once in the 5 days and s told me that h had told him that the conference went until 7 every evening and then they hit the bars and he probably wouldn't have time to call him.

i talked to s every night and even though he was having a great time with his best friend, if i made any reference to h, he wanted to say bye and get off the phone.

as soon as they got here, s said that he wanted to stay with me

so it's hard to tell what's really going on - mowing the lawn, touching - i want to see them as baby steps - but right now, they feel like the shadow of a baby step. it will be interesting to see how the next few weeks develop - this month has been sort of a landmark month for 4 months now - and finally we are beyond it - what a bloody relief!!


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Posts: 1,855
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oh gosh - those are long posts!!

my 180 for today:

one of our friends, who absolutely loves my mom's cooking and her, and who has never called me once since the separation, which i have felt very hurt about. well i just decided this afternoon - that i am NOT going to let H have so much power over this situation that i lose my friendship with him and his wife and little boy. i have "waited " for them to call - and suddenly today, i was like oh my gosh, if i wait they never will, and it was suddenly so clear to me - i have to make the first move. so i took a plate of indian sweets that my mom had sent me home with, which i know he absolutely loves and just went over and broke the ice.

he was very abashed, but also seemed really relieved, and his wife too and i said i'd call the next time s and i had a potluck and they seemed thrilled. i kept it quite brief

it felt really GOOD to do something that MADE ME FEEL GOOD - even though i cried all the way after that in the car - can't figure that one out!!

i decided today that i'm NOT going to let H run the show anymore, with his tension and bad behavior - i am only going to do what feels good to ME!

YAY!!!! ME, ME, ME!!!!
and s of course
cool


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Posts: 285
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Good for you Zig!

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