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#2229588 - 03/11/12 11:31 AM Re: am i on the right track??? part 2 [Re: labug]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
yes it was labug - thank you - i am going to read it several times

how are you doing? - i suddenly - with my new schedule - don't have much time to sit and read - which is good in one way, but i could sure use more info about how people handle different situations
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2229592 - 03/11/12 12:20 PM Re: am i on the right track??? part 2 [Re: zig]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8542
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Just to add to your thoughts. And please know I don't believe myself to be an expert, I post here to help work through my own stuff and boundaries is a big one for me. I've read a lot about the subject, even took a class on it last summer but applying it in everyday situations is difficult.

Is the topic up for discussion with H? Do you want to discuss or do you want to set a boundary. When women communicate we tend to want to build consensus, woo people to our side and not upset anyone. That makes us feel better and in some situations that is helpful.

With boundaries, you are setting a limit and are not asking the other person to be OK with it. Most often they aren't. That's where I get tripped up, I don't want anyone mad at me.

I guess what that means is boundaries should only be set in those instances where I can't allow someone to cross a line because in doing so they would hurt me or someone I have a duty to protect.

H, when you skype with (other kid) in the room with you it hurts S.

You could see what he says to that. If he's not agreeable then where do you go?
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2229685 - 03/11/12 08:56 PM Re: am i on the right track??? part 2 [Re: labug]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
i'm not sure where to go - i expect some or a lot or no protesting - i simply don't know where his mind is at, with him being so far away and practically no contact .

i think i'll just have to feel it out, and stay really calm and firm

he hasn't replied to either of my emails which is not a good sign - i know he checks his emails all the time, and he's emailed his mom and one of our friends back right away - so it is making me a bit nervous.

all i wrote was could we talk one on one before the next time you skype S, and his message on the phone tonight said calling to skype.

i just sent him another email saying i really needed to talk with him before the skype session.

this is creating a lot of stress for me . S doesn't ask after him at all, it's as if he doesn't exist right now and i hate that for him.

i know he's wondering non-stop when he's going to hear from his dad.

part of me feels so angry towards H for putting our son through this - that right now i just can't even begin to forgive him for it.

thanks for your advice labug - it helped me a lot and maybe i'll google more about setting boundaries later. actually i think my mind is just overwhelmed right now and i don't even feel like reading anything- i'm exhausted right now - spent the whole day on edge and trying not to get too emotional and forcing myself to keep going and be cheerful and get all the things we had planned to do done.

luckily just an hour before S goes to bed, and then i can go meditate and try to ground myself a bit.
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2229708 - 03/11/12 11:51 PM Re: am i on the right track??? part 2 [Re: zig]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
nhmom posted this on purgatory's thread and i'm copying and pasting it in mine, so that i can find it easily

I feel like we're all in this 'between' stage right now. Our M as it was is 'dead' (a scary concept on its own) and we're heading towards something better, which will also hopefully include a renewed R with our H/W. In the meantime, we're in this between space, reflecting on things that went wrong, trying to make sense of it, working on improving ourselves as human beings, learning about what kind of M we'd really like, and what it takes to have that.



also to add to what's going on - did talk to H and the conversation went completely the opposite of what i was anticipating - he was immediately responsive , completely NOT defensive, and really friendly and wanted me to suggest what was the best thing to do.

in other words, completely co-operative and really open and friendly.

i feel like a deflated balloon after that. i can't figure out if i cooked myself up unnecessarily (i really don't think i did , i know what i saw and heard and i know what my son was feeling), and got myself really upset over this.

the deflated feeling comes from not knowing where he stands on anything - i have no way to tell - and then he pulls a really positive move and i don't know how to read it and just feel confused and slightly suspicious.

i know that he really loves S and wants to do everything right for him.

i didn't get on skype - but watched a bit here and there - and i could see H was really making an effort to connect with S, but S wasn't quite there yet - S actually spent the whole conversation acting extra extra happy and laughing too loudly and in a fake way - and i got the feeling that he was SO relieved to have his dad to himself that he almost couldn't handle the excitement.

he's been a bit on edge and very hyper and i think he finally fell asleep after more than an hour of me laying in the bed with him - too much emotion to deal with? i don't know. i just stayed there for him as long as i could.

the other weird thing that i'm experiencing that i'm finding hard to deal with, is that because the conversation went so well and i felt as if I was really heard by H and acknowledged, it calmed and soothed me alot, and i feel very confused about that.

i don't know if i was soothed by the contact or by the acknowledgement of being heard - that was a huge issue for me all the 10 yrs - whenever i said anything about anything he immediately took the exact opposite position. and now he just didn't and it was such a huge relief
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2229711 - 03/12/12 12:00 AM Re: am i on the right track??? part 2 [Re: zig]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
a bit about my last few days GAL'ing

-have made myself a strict schedule and really stuck to it, since last thursday

-decided to really get my work going and made my first commitment to have an exhibition sale at a store downtown - on april 27th, so i now have a very specific short term goal to work towards

- decided that for the first time in my life i will do the taxes - which would be the equivalent of ten 180's i swear - i'm going to surprise H when he gets back from the trip with them done - it won't just be a 180, it will blow his mind, if i actually do it

- getting better at staying still, and really proud of myself at my slow but steady progress

- not interacting with H on the skype on this trip - gone slightly dark - i just need it for myself, the space

-committed to doing my yoga everyday, not just on the days of my classes - i'm still new to it

-getting better at focusing even though i'm feeling terribly emotional - forcing myself through those periods to concentrate and get through them
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
#2230056 - 03/12/12 11:53 PM Re: am i on the right track??? part 2 [Re: zig]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
well a turn around of sorts tonight - H skyped us, and we all three had a wonderful conversation, with alot of laughing and easy times. it was sooo nice for S, and i guess i should say for him and me also.

until now i've been staying away from the computer for the most part - but today it just felt easy to participate - and i wondered if he noticed, that when i am present, the whole thing is much lighter and easier.

in fact i might stay away the next couple of times so that he notices the difference!!

at one point i wondered if i was giving a love tap - if that what it was called - there were a couple of really warm moments.

suffice it to say that i am really pleased that S is more relaxed and the last couple of days he's really felt the connection again with his dad. i have always adored the relationship the two of them had, and it pains me horribly when i am faced during this sitch with anything that mars it in anyway

as for myself - less of a struggle day today - busted my butt to keep up with what i had to do - kept me so busy that it was only when i slowed down to cook dinner that i started to feel emotional

so my most vulnerable time of the day is around 6pm when H used to come home and there'd be dinner - and i still struggle with that -

anyone have good ideas about what i could do to override the sensitivity of that time - what have some of you tried to do differently?

i can't change dinner time for obvious reasons but would like any input or thoughts about it

also, can someone tell me - i did it the first time, but can't figure it out now, how to connect this thread so that when there's a post i get it in my email? sometimes i'm a real computer dodo!

hope everyone is doing well and it's been an easier day


oh by the way - i make knitted shawls and i just had the funniest thought this afternoon, that had me giggling to myself . you know how they say "an apple a day...?"

well here's mine:

A shawl a day keeps the psychiatrist away!!
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
#2230152 - 03/13/12 10:31 AM Re: am i on the right track??? part 2 [Re: zig]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
after reading through some discussions about what OCD is about, i am wondering this morning whether my obsessing about my sitch is about my OCD.

over the last years it did get pretty bad - with everyday things - the way i wanted everything done and how things needed to be for me to have some semblance of feeling in control, because everything felt so out of whack all the time. i started working on it about a year ago, and after my sitch began consciously and determinedly removed those physical habits.( i have been realizing over the last few months how miserable it must have been for H and S to live with that)

but now i am beginning to realize that the mental one of how my mind works, may still be running along those lines - that i cannot get away from the idea and that constant feeding of it that if only H would "wake up" and see the truth of what he was doing.

so that is my next dysfunctional behavior that i really need to work on - it's sort of a relief to keep discovering all these things and peel another layer away. somehow, just in being able to consciously acknowledge and identify the problem makes it one step easier to tackle it.

i also wonder that if i focus so hard on HIS issues, then i don't have to face and work on my own - quite the avoidance tactic on my mind's part
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
#2230359 - 03/13/12 10:31 PM Re: am i on the right track??? part 2 [Re: zig]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
my GAL for today - we went over to friends for a barbecue - i know, march 13 and it was 80 deg here

H skyped just before we had to leave - kind but clear message: S and i have a life and we're not going to sit at home even if it's time to skype - so the call was short - 10 mins, during which he was back to his unnerving odd behavior - it is becoming more and more obvious to me that he is having ALOT of trouble "facing" his son alone - i didn't get on the skype today

i have my apptmt with the therapist tomorrow and will talk to her about this odd behavior - i am very concerned about how S is seeing it and taking it in.

S was not too happy again and was almost rude to H at the end of the call, and i had to tell him not to speak like that to his father. poor little boy - can't imagine what he is thinking - he sure isn't telling me.

i spent alot of time reading old threads from the mid-life crisis forum (6 stages of the mlc) and i have to say, the more i read that stuff the more i see what is going on with H, and the clearer it becomes to me what i have to do - which is move forward and concentrate totally on myself

the obsessive focus towards H that has consumed me is FINALLY beginning to really shift - toward myself, and it is a liberating feeling

i really needed this trip of his - to get the space for myself - so good for me. i am going to use this time wisely:) and not waste a second of it
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
#2230363 - 03/13/12 10:40 PM Re: am i on the right track??? part 2 [Re: zig]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8542
Loc: Sonoran Desert
^^^^Like!
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2230370 - 03/13/12 11:01 PM Re: am i on the right track??? part 2 [Re: labug]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
thanks labug - how was your day?
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
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