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#2233192 - 03/25/12 03:39 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: gunny]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/12
Posts: 655
I've asked H the same question. For him, it's been over three months and he doesn't feel any different than when he left, except for having less resentment toward me. He has also excepted some responsibility for the demise of our marriage, however, he has not pointed out his contributions or apologized for them. H doesn't seem to get that he needs to take action to fix problems and grow love. He has chosen to avoid me. For me, this all came out of left field. According to H he had been thinking about this and detaching for awhile. H seems to think we'll just move on, including the kids. While he avoids emotional pain at all costs, the rest of us will carry these wounds into the future.

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#2233194 - 03/25/12 03:57 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
gunny Offline
Member

Registered: 08/22/11
Posts: 680
Loc: new jersey
Golf mom,
I am truly baffled, and find it amazing that a man would be ready to discard a long marriage and children on what seems like a whim. I have been on this board for a few months now and find myself continuously shaking my head, as much for others situations as for my own.

Is there any talk of a legal sep to test the waters?
_________________________
m 53
XW 47
m 12
t 14
bomb 6-11
s 10-11
wife moved to other state 10-21-11
d 9-12

O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!

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#2233207 - 03/25/12 05:57 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: gunny]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/12
Posts: 655
It is amazing, isn't it? Once I stopped believing that it was all my fault and regained some perspective is when I realized this is craziness, his not mine. Sure I have things that I need to work on and I'm happy to do just that. But, for the most part I know what I brought to our marriage and family and all of my positive characteristics gave him the freedom to build his career as well as pursue outside interests. We also have two boys that are successful, hardworking, polite, etc. and that didn't happen by accident. I've been holding down the home front for years and have enjoyed every minute of it. I've also taken care of myself and participate in quite a few sports (things my H and I did together as well as with our own leagues) now that the boys are older. That's all in addition to completely loving and adoring my H. I seriously don't know what more I could have done. Maybe it's going to take my H getting into another relationship before he realizes what he walked away from. Maybe my H needs more drama than I could provide. Who knows....

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#2233217 - 03/25/12 07:01 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1594
Golf mom, just caught up on your thread and can offer no magic bullet. I can only tell you I am going through the same thing. I hope you find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone and you are not crazy. This is his breakdown.

Stall for as long as possible. You never know what made him snap into the breakdown and you never know what will lead him to snap back. Check out the Laura Munson book, this isnt the season you think it is
_________________________
----
M 37
H 34
D3,D2
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Served 5/2/12


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#2233342 - 03/26/12 11:04 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: BklynMom]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/12
Posts: 655
What's today going to bring? More madness? More craziness? Does anyone else feel that way? I approach each day with apprehension rather than anticipation. Even though I'm feeling pretty good I fear any contact with my H because it's always about something that he wants. Friday he stated again that he wants a divorce. I said that I would not stand in his way, but that he needed to hire an attorney and file. So is this going to be the week that I'm served? His actions don't hurt me much anymore, but I'm clearly dealing with trauma. I wish he would just go away and let me get my life somewhat settled. He just has no idea how much I'm taking care of logistically. While he sits in his studio apartment and goes to a cushy job that he's had for 15 years I'm raising two kids, maintaining a house, paying bills, working on-call, etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I love my kids and I'm so grateful for all that I have. I would just like some time to adjust to my new life before I have to deal with the finality of my marriage.

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#2233348 - 03/26/12 11:27 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 18306
Loc: Maryland
Some mlcers are in such a hurry to divorce because they think that we and the relationship are the problems that are making them soooo unhappy w/their lives. They are looking for the illusive happiness, but don't want to do the work that goes along w/it. They will talk about divorce quite often until the point that you want to strangle them. Those who are rushing towards divorce will only get so far and then drag their feet and not do the work. When they talk about it all of the time, they are hoping that the lbs will file and do all of the necessary work...just keep in mind, and learn a lesson that I learned, if you stall, it will cost you more $$$ in the long run because your lawyer will be going back and forth w/his over the most trival stuff.

They do not care about us or the family and what we are going through. They do not care if you scraping the bottom of the barrel for money to pay bills or digging deep enough for more energy to deal w/the family, etc. This journey is all about them and what they feel that they are entitled to. So, what do you do? You take care of you first, and then your children and the finances. Do not rely on them for anything and above all keep your expectations at zero. You are now going to have to look at your situation as a business arrangement because you are going to have to protect your assets and make sure you are not screwed over along the way.

I'm very sorry you are here, but you are now part of our family and here to listen and offer advice whenever we can.

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#2233395 - 03/26/12 01:28 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: job]
gunny Offline
Member

Registered: 08/22/11
Posts: 680
Loc: new jersey
pretty good assessment of the situation by snodderly. What he has described is pretty much what I am going through now, except that my w has been uniformly pleasant and we are not using lawyers. But the part about it being all about them and what they feel they are entitled to because of the perceived harshness of their life is right on. They may feel bad about what they are doing(at least in some moments of enlightened thinking), but they MUST have the d in order to satisfy their needs.

Our only hope,(assuming we dont want the d) is to take the high road, protect ourselves, and wait for the storm to blow over, if it ever does.
_________________________
m 53
XW 47
m 12
t 14
bomb 6-11
s 10-11
wife moved to other state 10-21-11
d 9-12

O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!

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#2233421 - 03/26/12 03:11 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: job]
PrincessP Offline
Member

Registered: 02/28/12
Posts: 54
Loc: NJ
Snodderly, you couldn’t be more on the mark. My H was all over the D word when he dropped the first bomb two months prior of his walking out. He was in touch with a realtor to help him find an apartment; he sent an email to me just after Valentine’s Day saying we need to sell the house, talk to our D4, blah, blah; and it’s been quiet for several weeks now. H continues to make the astronomical mortgage payments on our house which he doesn’t live in. H walked out almost three months ago, and there is only silence.

I am keeping an eye on the finances to ensure some security is in place. I don’t need my credit to go down the toilet with my M, if that’s where H puts it. Right now, my plan is to keep quiet and see what happens. H is saving money by living with the OW. I am waiting for him to tell me where he lives at some point (I already know but we’ll keep that a “secret” in the DB family.) I will be dammed if H thinks our D4 will visit him where he is “shacking up.” Oh no, that is when I set limits and boundaries for my Child38, aka H. If H wants to be a child then he needs no part in parenting.

Golf Mom, hang in there. I have been at DBing for a very short time compared to our DB family. You really do have to take one day at a time. The fact that you are being responsible, taking care of yourself and the kids everyday is you being stronger. You will see sooner than you realize that you are in control and always have been. Unless you are dealing with a financial mastermind, the WAS is playing out an adventure that usually ends in tragedy, it is a psychological version of Russian Roulette.

There is more for all of us in this world.
_________________________
M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already

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#2233424 - 03/26/12 03:18 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: gunny]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/12
Posts: 655
I was just offered a really good full time job a few hours ago. Considering I have been a SAHM for 15 years this is a big deal. I will easily be able to pay the mortgage. H will give me the house if I can qualify to refinance into my name alone. The money won't be a problem, but lack of work history might be. In any event, I now feel like I'm in control of my life and I can provide for me and my kids should my H quit his job, etc. So far he's given me enough income to pay the bills, but I know the more he detaches the tide will change.

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#2233434 - 03/26/12 04:10 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 18306
Loc: Maryland
gm,
Strike while the iron is hot...if your h is willing to give you the home, get it in writing now. Why? The longer they are in crisis and the further they down the yellow brick road, they will change their minds. Do it while he is in the early stage, while he may still feel a little bit guilty for what he is doing to you and your family.

If you think the job is a good one, accept it. As for work history, you will have your current job to refer to for the history part, especially if it is a full time position.

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