Please stop listening to what he is saying. He is looking for any excuse/justification for his leaving. Let me just say this, you could have been the goose that laid golden eggs and he still would have found some excuse for what he is doing. You can say the sky is blue w/fluffy white clouds and he would say it's not. Please stop drinking the kool-aid that he is serving up....it is very tainted.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly is absolutely right! My X kept telling the kids that "they just didn't know!" Know what? Evidently, he didn't know either. They will say anything to justify their actions in their own mind. GM, I'm two years post BD; been divorced almost a full year now. While detachment doesn't come easy, it is well worth the battle to obtain. I hurt for you knowing the agony of what you are feeling right now. Just deal one day at a time. And the backslide thing? fagedabotit. It happens. Just let it go, along with anything you might have said and now regret. Like it never happened.
I'm so tired of struggling emotionally and financially. I'm burdened by living with my kids grief. Generally, I'm just tired. This is not the life I wanted or deserve. One person in a family should not have to do it all. How is it that I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and my H seemingly lives a carefree life? When does he get to feel the pain, stress and burden of the situation that he created? I can see why there are so few reconciliations. How many LBS's can really stand for their marriage and not become angry, bitter and resentful. Today is one of those days when I feel all of that. My H is not worthy of me. What he did was cruel. I badly want to get rid of any feelings and emotions that keep me connected to him in any way. I understand the temptation of finding a new relationship (although I have zero interest) to help deaden all of the pain. I look forward to the day when I'm not one of the walking wounded. Thank you all for going on this journey with me.
golf mom, I understand completely how you feel. It's not fair to any of us, but we must deal w/the hand that we have been given. To answer one of your questions...your h does feel some pain, but it's not evident to you or anyone else just yet. The pain is hidden under all of the irrational things that he's doing and that's why he's running away from you, the family and the relationship. He's trying to find a way to make himself happy and the only thing he knows right now is that he needs to make a new life, i.e., he thinks it will make him happy. Unfortunately, his baggage of childhood issues followed him. He is not living as care free life as you think...don't be fooled by his actions...you surely do not want to be in his head while he's traveling the universe.
Yes, right now you are suffering and having the endure everything, i.e., the weight of life. However, as you begin to find your balance once again, you will then select those tasks that must be done one at a time. You are most likely looking at the entire picture, but you need to break it down into smaller pieces in order for you not to feel like you are drowning.
To help w/your anger, beat the crap out of a pillow or go weed your flower bed. Do something physical that will help you get this anger out of your system. Give yourself permission to let the anger go. You will feel so much better.
In time, the tables do turn and your spouse will feel the pain, just as you are feeling it now. He may be a life long runner and then again, he may be one of the few lucky ones that the pain hits early on in his crisis and makes him think about what he's done full force, i.e., in time to make amends.
For now, please take care of yourself and do something "fun" today w/your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
GM snodderly is right on the MLCer does look like he gets to "have all the fun" in the beginning and we are the ones taking on all adult responsibilities But after a while you will see his pain you are dealing with your pain now and therefore yours will ease up in time BUT..he is running and will use anything to numb it for quite some time so he is not painfree,, not fun only numb..Anyone could numb but that is probably not your choice nor mine In time, you will understand more, for now just try to take care of yourself- make sure you rest eat sleep and talk to trusted persons..pray if your inclined to peace The time goes very fast Peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I know it might seem like I'm not listening to all of you, but truly I am. I'm just having a hard time with acceptance. I loved the life that I had before and it was taken from me. I don't have control of the outcome and with that comes fear. In addition to that, I keep asking myself why am I grieving for someone that would treat his family this way. The only answer I have is that I find things to love in all people, including those that hurt me. Some might say I have low self-esteem and self-worth. There is some truth to that. But my decision to connect with people and love them is a choice, not a need. When I met my H I had it all together. I had a great job, my own apartment and car, I was going to school in the evening, I had good friends and I was volunteering. My life was full and I was so content that he pursued me for several weeks before I even returned his call. In fact, I was so afraid of disrupting the harmony that I had I almost cancelled our first date. Letting him into my life was a choice, not a need. He had nothing to offer but himself. He had recently divorced (red flag!), was new to the area, had a mediocre job, no car and was subletting a room. Seriously, what was the attraction??? Maybe I was needier than I saw at the time. I don't know. I just want to get back to that place of contentment. I want to feel like I'm letting people in instead of feeling desperate for my H to return. In some ways we're right back to where we started. I have a house, good job, great kids, family and friends, etc. and what does he have? No family, except a few dysfunctional relatives across the country, a deadend job, albeit it pays well, a studio apartment in a poor neighborhood and soon, another X. So what's the attraction? Is it true that we really can't help who we fall in love with or does this indicate a deficit within myself? Healing needs to take place, but what am I healing?
golf mom, You've come a long way in your life, you are a successful woman who is going to survive this situation. Healing will take time because you have put all of you love, trust and faith in a man who had a lot of issues before meeting up and marrying you. I suspect his issues were carried over into your marriage and now, after a long time, have come to the surface again. He didn't make the life transitions correctly in his teens, 20's and 30's.
In your posting, you described what his life was like before he met you....well he and his history have now come full circle and he's going to have to face those issues head on or remain on the run going from one relationship to the next. In many ways, his life sounds like my xh's...
Please do not second guess yourself. You fell in love w/this man and had a good marriage until mid-life hit and another life's transition came upon him. I think you are too hard on yourself at times and you need to remember that this mlc is his journey to take so that he can face his issues and become a mature man.
Please be kind to yourself...you have done absolutely nothing wrong...
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
First, as hard as it is, you have to take one day at a time. With time, with detachement, and with distance, you may be able to identify cracks that you perhaps were not aware of, or wouldn't let yourself see. That is just life. It doesn't justify how your H handled things, the hurt he has put you and his family through.
Secondly, as much as you want this to be all over, in most cases, it is just beginning. You have to batten down the hatches for the long haul, whatever that may bring. Painful, but honest.
Lastly, there is no deficit in your character for having seen something in your H that you now feel is lacking. The person you are dealing with now is NOT that person. Being able to see all the good in a person, their potential, etc., can never be a bad thing. You have probably been the more emotionally strong partner in this relationship all along. You just don't/won't give yourself the credit you deserve.
Excellent replies above by peacetoday, snodderly and punkin...please do not be so hard on yourself...I DO understand, I beat myself up for months (and I did have reason to)...but at the end of the day...it is something that would have come, no matter what we did or did not do...I have struggled with this, fought it, could not accept it as I am rationally based in my life outlook...but, once I did figure it out (that this would have happened no matter where we lived, what job I had, etc, etc)...then a bit of wisdom, then acceptance, then some peace within me.
Once I accepted that this was my reality, and that God was trying to teach me something, and teach W something, and that we are given no more than we can handle, then I knew whatever happened would be right.
YOU will get there, YOU will know what to do, YOU will make the right decisions, YOU will know...it is a quiet voice, or feeling inside, that lets you know...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I am working on patience. Clearly I need a lot of it to get through this. My fearful inner-child wants to be reassured that everything will be all right. I desperately want to use this time to learn and grow and become the whole person that God intended me to be. I hate that I give so much energy to something that is out of my control. I'm definitely someone who likes all my ducks in a row. I don't like to leave anything to chance. It's too scary. This is one of my target areas. It's pretty exhausting being me. So I'm left wondering, in my marriage what came first? Did I pick up where my husband left off or did he feel a lack of control because I took care of everything? I just know that I resented having to taking care of the home front without any help from him. He was too busy building his career. In the meantime my world became pretty small. I'm paying for that big time now.
