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#2232415 - 03/21/12 07:16 PM New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
My husband left me a letter in December which started "I don't want to get into a long emotional discussion with you...." We have been married almost 19 years and together for 23. We have two boys 12 and 15. I never saw this coming. In fact, in November we had spent more time on or own than we had pre-kids. I was feeling really happy that we were moving into this new season of life. I've been a SAHM since the kids were born and there has been financial strain because of it. In the last couple of years we became very serious about improving our financial outlook and we were doing great, at least I thought we both viewed our progress the same way. After he left, he listed lack of money as a stress. Also said he was concerned about retirement (he's 49) and college. Within a week he leased an apartment in another town for 6 months. He said he needed time and distance. I got a text saying I love you, but.... I've learned this is classic. There is no OW, according to him. He tried to have a relationship with the boys, but they're hurt and mad and he wouldn't acknowledge their feelings. He blamed me for them not being able to "move on." That was at the 6 week mark. Last week he told me via phone (after I refused to discuss our relationship via email) that he wants to proceed with divorce. I compassionately told him I thought he was in MLC and encouraged him to talk to someone that he can trust who will help him navigate this difficult time. I also told him that when I looked back I saw times when he was looking for validation and I had missed the cues. Never having gone through this before I just wasn't equipped to help. I was dealing with my own frustration of his distance from me and the boys. I've since read DR and see where I made some mistakes. I want to use some 180 techniques and would really like some advice from others who have tried them. Also, I'm pretty certain that I'm dealing with MLC (turning 50, lost both parents in last two years, aches and pains of aging, money concerns, now dressing differently, trolling dating sites, hanging out with a younger crowd from work), but I would really like feedback. Within the last year, my husband said to me "Our marriage is perfect, except for the finances." What happened and what should I do? He wants to talk on the phone this week (didn't say why), which is a first since he has preferred email and texting.

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#2232429 - 03/21/12 07:58 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
KarenR Offline
Member

Registered: 04/12/06
Posts: 477
Hi, I am sorry you are going thru this. It is especially hard to watch your kids go through it. I hope you are talking to a DB coach, as that is the best way to get very concrete advice immediately as to how to go forward in a way that is most likely to open his heart and have him react differently to you and the kids. There is a $30 discount on coaching today. I would be happy to talk to you further. Take care.
_________________________
Karen, Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
karen@divorcebusting.com

Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.

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#2232431 - 03/21/12 07:59 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
I forgot to mention that he says he just wants happiness. Combined with story above - MLC?

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#2232434 - 03/21/12 08:07 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: KarenR]
angel61 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/29/10
Posts: 1048
Loc: California
Hugs!

It seems like you have already done a lot of reading and thinking. Keep it up. You are working on yourself, and that is good.

Finances are one of the things that trigger an MLC, thats true. In my case, that is what my H said. But in the end, I did find out that there was an OW, and EA, and I still believe, even if he denies it to this day, that although finances and all the problems led to the sitch, it was the OW that triggered the bomb.

There is really nothing much we can do but work on ourselves. Anything you say or do will be seen as pressure, and I think your H is avoiding that by not having conversations about your R. I actually think that is good, because the more you talk about R, the more it gets worse. Give him space.

Read about everyone's sitch here, you will probably find those that you identify with.

More people will come along, and all I could say is that you have come to the right place!
_________________________
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go

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#2232476 - 03/21/12 10:32 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: angel61]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
Angel61,

Thanks for the response and the reminder to give him space. I'm really hoping that by avoiding R talks I can stall divorce proceedings until the MCL journey is complete. There may come a time when I've decided that I'm ready to move on. I guess in some ways I have. I've read a ton regarding marriage, my own issues, etc. I'm also in the process of resurrecting my career and playing the sports that I enjoy. I also spend a lot of time with my kids and supportive friends. I'm definitely missing my partner, but am feeling so much better than I did several months ago. All of this has lead to less hurt, resentment and anger. I've also been able to be loving from a distance without needing or expecting anything in return. We'll see how the next phone call goes. It might send me backwards, especially if he pushes the divorce or decides to tell me about OW, if there is one. Any advice on how to respond if either of those issues come up? I really want to follow the DR advice and stay focused on him, not me and the R.

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#2232484 - 03/21/12 11:19 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
angel61 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/29/10
Posts: 1048
Loc: California
I think no matter how well you prepare for an OW, it will be hard when the time comes. I have been in this sitch for almost 2 years now and OW is receding into the background, we are actually piecing, but anything about OW still sends me into a tailspin.

One thing though: whatever he says, don't make any sudden decision, and being quiet and thinking aboutit, or coming here to ask for advice, is best.

I am curious, what did your H say about it when you said he is undergoing an MLC? Most men would violently deny it.
_________________________
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go

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#2232499 - 03/22/12 01:02 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: angel61]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
He said that he doesn't necessarily believe that he is in MLC, but he didn't deny it. He said that he would think about what I said and give me a response later. He's been saying that all along though, so I don't necessarily believe that he's considering what I said. Whenever we've talked I have voiced my concern, opinion, my commitment to work on me or our relationship, etc. and he always says I need to think about what you've said and I'll get back to you. After reading DR I will totally back off of that approach and just let him talk. I wish I knew why he wants to talk this week. If he wants to check on the boys, our house (it's listed), or whether I've contacted an attorney per our last conversation he could do that via email which has been his practice. I want to hope that the compassion that I showed him last week has made it safer for him to talk to me, but I know that would be foolish. It's too soon for that. Any thoughts or advice on how to proceed?

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#2232522 - 03/22/12 03:02 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
irishblessings Offline
Member

Registered: 06/03/10
Posts: 1319
So very sorry that you find yourself here. Now is the time to stay focused on YOU and your boys - as hard as it is. Many of us heard the finances issue / etc. Bottom line - doesn't matter at this point what it was that "triggered" the actions - it is what it is. The only thing you can control is YOU. Go slow, extreme self-care, prayer, and use this site! It really helps!
_________________________
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years
Ds-24,22/S-18
D - 3/11
A Day at a Time

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#2232547 - 03/22/12 06:14 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: irishblessings]
BeingMe Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/04
Posts: 4053
Loc: Canada
Ditto what everyone is saying. The beginning is really heavy, and difficult, but it does get better when you get detachment perfected (another hard thing to do).

Take care of you, and your boys.
_________________________
Me:55 H:50 M:27 S:2 Been to the lawyer.
D32,S/D twins25,D20
EA4/04 End4/05?
Life is good! Living with gratitude.

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#2232575 - 03/22/12 12:44 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: BeingMe]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5319
Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

The link for the resources:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Doormat tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...6668#Post526668

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively.
It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena).
So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.
(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.

I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power.
_________________________
Me-60, D28,S27

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