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#2234653 - 04/01/12 02:32 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 880
Loc: West Coast
Hi Golf Mom,
Just wanting to let you know I UNDERSTAND THE RAGE! My experience and advice....Just roll with it. Let it wash over you, feel the rage, and it will subside. The waves tend to get less intense as time goes by. I still go through them.

The rugs have been pulled out from under us and our heads are spinning. WE had no choice in this. They made this choice for us, a choice we didn't want at all! This is a life changing choice. Everything we've known for many years is now completely changed, and did we have a say so in it? No.

Believe me it's worth a pout...or two! LOL.

What's helping me is to really learn about what's going on in these heads of the MLCers or WAS. I suggest getting some of Jed Diamonds books. That article you posted really got me thinking and then I picked up my Irritable Male Syndrome book again, and have read some really good stuff. It's even better the second time around, because the first time I read it I was so panicked not much really stuck. This time Im grasping it alot better and having alot more insight.

Im am so sorry about the rage but it's just part of it all. Don't fight it, just let it come. It sound corny but try and make friends with the bad emotions. Dig deep. Aside from the obvious search for what really is pushing buttons.
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

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#2234667 - 04/01/12 04:08 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: Kimmerz]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
Kimmerz,
Thanks so much for the replies. I'm glad that you found the article helpful. I have read so much over the last four months regarding abandonment, marriage, MLC and it's really helped me get where I am. I've learned a lot about myself and know I could have been happier if I could have asked for what I needed. Although, I really wonder if my H is capable of truly giving to another person. I read an excellent book, Receiving Love, which helped me undertand that when people aren't able to receive they can't give. My H grew up in a state of constant turmoil due to major family dysfunction. His needs weren't met, he was never heard, he was abused, etc. This all led to low self-esteem and low self worth. I also think he is clinically depressed as nothing we ever did, including vacations, ever brought any true excitement or joy in him. I use to just think he just had a very even temperament, but I see it differently now. The article I posted also helped me realize that due to his lack of bonding and mothering he is in desperate need of it now. He has so many deep wounds and a thick protectIve barrier which will keep him from feeling anymore than the initial euphoric high from a new relationship. After that dies down then the problems will start. Even though my H was very kind he wasn't emotionally available. I kept us going all these years. As our kids got older and I started creating more of life for myself he may have starting feeling like less of a priority. This might be why he said "You're a wonderful person to everyone but me." Isn't that typical MLC talk? I know I sound like a want-to-be therapist, but I'm just trying to make sense of this senseless situation.

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#2234676 - 04/01/12 11:52 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 19385
Loc: Maryland
golf mom,
The description of your h's home life is exactly why he's in crisis. He's trying to find himself and understand why he was never validated or treated the way that he should have been as a child. His comment about "you are a wonderful person to everyone but me" speaks of both abandonment and lack of validation...however, I do not think he's aiming the arrow at you, but he is projecting his feelings on to you from his past.

Had your h talked to you over the years about how he felt and what was going on w/him, you might have been better able to understand why he's running. However, you still would not have been able to stop his train from leaving the station because there are a lot of unanswered questions that he needs to seek the answers to and you were not a part of his life at that time.

You have a very good handle on what is going on...just leave him alone, if he should want to talk, listen, do not offer quick fixes and do not tell him he is in crisis. They don't want us to diagnose them or tell them what to do. His projections will sometimes make you think you didn't do something that you should have done...it's just projections. They will bring up things that happened years ago and you have to just listen and then let it go. You have to be the one to determine whether your relationship w/him was live or memorex. I would venture to say it was live...so with that being said, you know what your relatiionship was w/him and I would not doubt myself one minute. You did everything you could to be the best wife, lover, mother, friend and companion to him. This journey is all about him and what needs to be repaired within himself.

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#2234708 - 04/01/12 04:46 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: job]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
I would love feedback on this text that I received. I paraphrased it last week, but thought it would be better to state it exactly. I don't know why it's important to get interpretation. Please bear with me as I work on understanding this.

"I don't want you to be blindsided, but I did start the legal process and you will get papers soon. The process takes several months and nothing would ever be final until then should my feelings change and you were still receptive, but I did not want to just continue to wait to even begin a process that I wanted to pursue at this time and is a lengthy one. I do not expect you to understand, but I just wanted you to know in advance out of respect, as odd as that may sound."

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#2234742 - 04/01/12 10:10 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 19385
Loc: Maryland
golf mom,
Here is my interpretation and I could be off the wall on this.

He wants you to know up front that he's filed and out of courtesy to you, wants you to know that you'll be receiving the papers soon. I also think he knows that he better let you know because he doesn't know how you will react if you were to receive them and not know about them. He doesn't want "mom" to go off the rails and punish him, etc.

As for his feelings changing, I wouldn't bet on it. Sounds to me like he wants to play the Mr. Nice guy role and say to others and also convince himself and others that he's been a great guy by advising you. I also think in another way, he wants to keep his toes in both pools just in case his fantasy life doesn't work out, he can return to you.

Don't put too much faith into this email...it's still all about him and most certainly he's not looking out for you.

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#2234750 - 04/01/12 10:41 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: job]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1868
Like many MLC your H wants to leave his family but doesnt want to be called a jerk. Look at what a good guy he is notifying you that you are going to get served. He is such a good guy to tell you before you get the papers. Have you checked out No More Mr Nice Guy. Similar concepts to the irriatable man syndrome just more specific.

I have been DBing since August and not much has changed in my sitch. It has become very clear that my H is having a MLC and I think their is very little we can do to make it better. But as someone said their is plenty we can do to make it worse.

Hang in there and pray for him.
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2234768 - 04/02/12 12:24 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: BklynMom]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
Thank you. That's kind of what I thought. I didn't even acknowledge his apparent act of kindness or his comment about feelings changing. I just replied that I wish he would have waited since I'm starting a new job and can't take time off for mediation, court dates. He said I wouldn't need to since there are no major issues. I immediately brought up the house and said that I wouldn't back down. That's when he said that he would work with me, etc. I haven't brought up our relationship and his apparent crisis in a few weeks since I've learned that it is pursuing and controlling behavior. When he initiates communication I respond simply and am starting to create boundaries. The next time he contacts me (usually via text) I'm going to ask him to save all of his questions and contact me once a week. Does that sound reasonable? I really need to distance myself from him and I don't like seeing his name pop up on my phone throughout the week. It makes it hard to remain focused on me and the boys. I also feel like he hasn't really experienced life without us since he contacts me whenever he wants and maybe assumes that I'm waiting for any word from him.

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#2234773 - 04/02/12 01:13 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 880
Loc: West Coast
Hi Golf Mom,
I wanted to say that your sitch is seeming more and more similar to mine, in regards to a few details you're experiencing and how he's acting. You have a much better grip on this than I did 4 months after BD. What you've already come to understand and grasp, Im just now getting. I was so confused and in such a fog for so long.

At any rate I wanted to say that setting that boundary of him not contacting you but once a week is EXCELLENT! This is how I've felt with my stbx and should've done from the beginning. It was impossible for me to move on, start detatchment and sort my feelings out with him texting me and trying to be buddies all the time.

Good luck~!
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

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#2234820 - 04/02/12 05:35 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: Kimmerz]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
Thank you, Kimmerz. Thanks to all of the wisdom I've received here and the books that I've read I learn and understand more everyday. I just wish I could mend my broken heart. I can't help but wish my family could be put back together. My kids are hurting. I'm hurting. I miss being truly happy. I feel pretty good some days, but others I'm on the verge of tears and have to sneak off and let them flow. I'm also dealing with the trauma of being abruptly left. I had no idea that anything was wrong and felt so secure in my marriage. I can't believe how well my H hid his unhappiness. I can't imagine a person being in such turmoil that they leave in an instant. I will never forget how it felt to find a letter from by H stating that he wanted an immediate separation and realizing that he was gone. I catch myself hoping for a future reconciliation knowing the odds are so low. Without some hope my life feels empty and scary.

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#2234875 - 04/02/12 04:26 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 3140
Hi Golf Mom. I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but can I offer a few suggestions?
Quote:
I catch myself hoping for a future reconciliation knowing the odds are so low. Without some hope my life feels empty and scary.

What are you scared of exactly?
As for hope, of course you do. We all have those moments. We all want Lassie to come home, right? smile

More specifically, we all want a happy ending. What we think of as a happy ending is for our spouse to have an epiphany and come running back. Reality is that a happy ending might not be that. If you look in the archives at people who's spouses have come home, and look years later, you find that some come back but it's not real nor lasting. It's temporary, which to me would be worse.

For those that have a happy ending, they have made a happy ending. That happiness doesn't always include the current spouse.

For me, if I'm honest, I think I wanted my family back more than my spouse. Did I love my spouse? Yes. Very much so and in some ways still do. I care at least, that she's healthy and ok. Do I want her back? No. Why? Because I don't want to be married to somebody that treats me that way. I don't even want to talk to her. It started that I didn't want to talk to her for my sake. She wanted to talk on her terms and I wasn't willing. I wasn't willing to be part of the facade. Honesty or nothing (within reason of course) was the approach I live my life by. I still do.

Mine is hateful. Degrading and many other characteristics I never want to be part of. If I'm honest about the timelines, that started long before she "surprised" me and left blaming me for everything. That hasn't stopped and I know I cannot be happy around somebody like that. I cannot save her smile

Figure out what you are really scared of, GM. Figure out why the feelings of emptiness. Face them realistically.

Your husband made his choices and still is. That's real. Wanting him back may be more about wanting back what you had or having your family back together. To stop the pain your kids feel. There may be other ways to help them, right?

You cannot control him. You cannot stop him. You cannot change history.

You can make peace with reality and peace with the past. You may be able to much better help your kids with this once you have made your peace.

You can do this without his interaction. He will actually make that harder, but it's not impossible.

I agree with Snodderly above about the text based on my own experience and experiences I've read on this board and others. Encourage him to be respectful at all times. Be respectful but firm. And I agree with Kimmerz about limiting the conversation to 1x week for your own sake.

Be you and let him figure himself out. You cannot help him with this.

AJ
_________________________
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

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