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Hi Hrm!!

You did great! I am so proud of you! You are on it girl!

You couldn't have handled that any better. This is no small endeavor, not asking where and why when they've annouced they are leaving for a week. Remember we've been married, and normal married people WOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW OR WANT TO TELL THEIR SPOUSE. Given we're in crazytown, well the rules have changed!

Now, what happened this afternoon in regards to physical intiamacy....dear lord I've been down that road too. No I must commend you for how you handled it because when it happened to me, I didn't handled it like you did. You were right in saying he didn't have anything to be sorry about, I mean you guys are married. I hadn't discovered DB or this site when that happened with H and myself. Had I, I probably would've handled it different. For me, I did get the wrong idea and impression. I thought we were on our way to reconnecting. H told me that it wasn't meaningless but it didn't solve all our problems and that he confused himself as well as me with that behavior and he was sorry. He soon hooked up with OW after that. Guess he figured I was NOT the one to go looking for a good time with.

Im so glad you've made it through one of his cycles and you now know what to look for. No he doesn't have to be real with other family members or co workers. They too condone what they do and let them live in their fantasy world. Yes we do represent reality to them....and this is why we do get the worst spew from them. I always felt that was a double edged sword with me and H. I represent reality to him. At times it's good when he's willing to listen and be clear. Others, well Im just an authority figure that won't let him have his way.

Prayer has been helping me too. I pray for clarity for me to see the things I need to see that will help me through this. Remember the poem Footprints! He's in control and he's carrying us, even though it may feel like we're stumbling all the time.

Good work, and keep me posted!


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
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Quote:
and of course to him I represent responsibility....


Funny how this used to be a GOOD thing...isn't it...? Now it is a liability and makes us evil boring and whatever else they want to project onto us.

*sigh*

T^2


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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TSquared2~ It is very funny how being responsible used to be a good thing, and now it's what makes us the enemy. Oh no look out it is the voice of reason! lol

Kimmerz~ Thank you! I was quite proud of myself! So I had an interesting encounter with H this evening, I thought I would share. I have the worst headache tonight so when I came home I went to "my" room and just laid on "my" bed for awhile hoping that would help the pounding pain. H comes in and asks if I'm ok (I thought, wow you are aware of something outside yourself, nice to get a peak at the old H), and I told him I have a really bad headache, but I'll be alright. He asked if I wanted Tylenol, I didn't know we had any, so he actually went and got it for me. He even offered to turn off the tv in the living room, which I told him wasn't necessary.

When I took the bottle back to him he was sitting at the computer and said, "Where was that picture taken?" I played dumb and asked what picture. He said the one on the computer background. I said, "oh! That was at the abandon turnpike tunnels. They were really cool! There are more pictures if you want to see them." He said, "Yeah maybe I will look at them" (he didn't) then he said he didn't mean to pry he was just curious where the picture had been taken.

I found this soooo funny that he wanted to know where the picture of me, in a goofy pose, in front of a graffiti-ed up tunnel was taken! LOL It's cool my GAL can peak his curiosity. I know my old husband is in there somewhere.... the one who would have loved to go explore those tunnels too! In the meantime I am going to continue to do all the things I have always said I want to do, but never took the time to do them!

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Just caught up with your sitch, HRM. It's a crazy ride for sure.

The intimate thing, when it happened to me, I just told my H that I have "needs" too. My H also felt guilty, but this was before I found out about his EA. Stupid me! I have been driving down the MLC road for 7 years, and I wouldn't be surprised if it were 7 years before that. My H is a liar (he would be insulted if he found out I felt this way, but it's true) and also one who doesn't give out information. He likes to say that I forgot, that I'm the one at fault.

Anyway, just know that you will eventually detach, and get used to the new, and unimproved H. Sad as it is, I have realized that nothing in life stays the same, we can reach the heights of joy one day, and be in the valleys of sadness the next. So, the best thing is to live in the moment. Hard, but doable.

Another thing ... be prepared for the possibility of OW. He said there "may" be one. The rule, "Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do" is applicable here. So there probably is one, and it's been going on for at least 5 months.

Another thing ... never mention his mother again. You can't do anything about her. She is his mother, and that can't be changed, so the best is to refrain from saying anything about her.

As for finances ... surely half of everything is yours too. Half his pension, half his bonus, half the house, the car, etc. as half of your stuff is his too. Make sure you get it if you proceed to D. Don't let him get away with not fulfilling his responsibilities, even though he doesn't want to. Choices have consequences ... he needs to face his.

Take care.


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
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BeingMe- thank you for your reply. When you said, "Don't let him get away with not fulfilling his responsibilities, even though he doesn't want to. Choices have consequences ... he needs to face his." That really spoke to me... since he's so convinced he has no choices, but I had made a point of pointing out all his choices when he had his angry outburst a few weeks ago. I have just been thinking a lot lately when is all of his destruction going to be too much.... I know I know don't take anything personally and blah blah blah, but he is an adult, not an actual teenager.... when does he see he's being a HUGE jackass and screwing up his life. I deserve to be respected and appreciated and am sick of being taken for granted.

I think it just annoys me that he was just away for work (I'm assuming) and I have no idea where, geographically, my husband was, if he got there safely (which clearly he did or he wouldn't be back home now).... it's all so messed up.

I keep telling God I don't know what his plan is but I will continue to trust Him even though a lot of times this emotional pain gets to be just too much for me to bear! I'm tired.... exhausted really of not knowing what personality awaits me when I get home, if he is even home. I'm sick of being treated like the enemy or a bad person. I'm irritated that he seems to have lost the ability to figure out how to put the dishes in the freaking dishwasher! I think he does that and some other things just to try and make me mad, but I don't say a word... I just go on with my life. Also every time he eats something I bought he's like I'll pay you for that... really?!?!? You don't have to pay me for food in our house!

Sometimes I want to take him and shake him and scream wake up! Realize YOU are having a freaking midlife crisis already and get some freaking help!!!!! Stop living in denial, and there is no shame in counseling!!! I would never actually do that.... but come on I know I'm not the only one who has had that picture run through their mind....

I'm just having one of those moments of even if/when he gets through this and realizes he's made the biggest mistake ever is it even going to be repairable? I mean a person can only get treated like crap for so long....

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morning hrm,
I wanted to share with you that during this whole ordeal with MLC, God was the ONLY thing I had 100% trust in. Trusting God, and walking the path without any sort of idea of what's really going to happen has been my frustration. Im very impatient about things like this. But what I've discovered and continue to discover about myself, my marriage, and now my new life along the way is the lesson and plan for starters.

I too have been in the position of saying to myself "would this be repairable if he makes it through and see's the reality of what's happened?". Well for me....it all depends on many things.

I wanted to add my .02 worth about these MLCers. They are in a narcissist mode. Have you gone to the Hero's Spouse website? The info on there is amazing and very, very helpful and insightful. The creator of that site used to post here years ago. I can NOT believe she stood for her marriage, went through what she did, and they actually made it. Quite frankly I wouldn't have stood for it at all.

One thing that helped me to understand these personality changes were to read up on the person they were acting like now. I read up on narcissism, and there's some great stuff on it on the Hero's spouse too.


M=42 XH=44
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Hi hrm

Wanted to let you know I've been following your story. Some elements in it remind me of my situation.

I'm at month seven. H has been gone since a couple of days after BD so it's been easier for me to focus on moving forward.

The mind of the MLCer has been made up. There is no point in trying to convince them to change it. There is no reasoning. That is why everybody says focus on you. If it truly is MLC your husband may or may not come out of the tunnel, and if he does he may or may not come back to you. It's a harsh reality but accepting it as the only reality I have has helped me to do what I need to do to hit the reset button on my life.

My H, like most here, had an OW, and yours probably does too. Most men who leave their marriages, for whatever reason, fall into the lap of someone else. My MIL even had the audacity to say "who knows, maybe it will work out with her." This was after she cut him a cheque for $25000 so he could pay off his SUV and not go bankrupt when he left me. I thought she was awesome but all she did was make it easy for him to leave. This is a woman who officiates marriages for her church. I guess he comes by his BS honestly.

Anyway...not hijacking. You are clearly a strong person. Your pain will come in waves. I am now at the point where I go many days without shedding a tear, but anytime I engage with H it takes me about a week to get over it and the pain hits me like it was yesterday. This will happen with you, but don't let it hinder your resolve. I have found the changes in seasons hardest as they signalled a focus on the things we liked to do together. Right now, for example, we'd be talking about where we plan to go in the boat. Not this year and it breaks my heart because we both loved being on the water. Once a year has passed, though, I'll have new memories and new plans with the change in each season.

Protect yourself and begin building your life as you want it to be. As hard as it sounds, once you're living separately you will probably find things much easier and H will have to realize that in fact there are consequences to his choices. No help in you pointing that out to him. He needs to stumble and skin his knees.

Keep reaching out. There is so much wisdom and support here. I wouldn't have made it this far without it.


me 45
H 46
T 5
M 2.5
BD Sept 6 2011
OW Sept 8 2011
Threw him out Sept 8 2011
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Kimmerz~ It's always good to hear from you! I have been on the Hero's Spouse website, and I agree, I don't know how that woman stood for her marriage, but good for her! Reading stuff like that makes me say to myself, stop complaining you don't have it that bad.

greatwhitenorth~Thank you for taking time to post, I appreciate everything people share with me. I believe I am slowing coming to terms with reality as it is now and letting go of how unfair it all is. My MIL is a negative, judgmental person, and his siblings don't have a clue, his family is all about them and making themselves happy. It saddens me to think this is his only support system (well aside from me, but he's too busy making me the enemy), but there is nothing I can do about that.

This has been a rough week for me, a lot of thinking about how I deserve to be treated better and I have and am being taken for granted, and well, have been thinking about H- geez life isn't that bad, there is always someone with it worse so get over your crisis already.

So after church today I took it upon myself to mow the lawn.... 0.50 acre doesn't seem that big until you have to mow a very sloped back yard lol. I was proud of myself I finished the entire yard. H was only God knows where and came home when I was half finished with the back yard and of course didn't say a word or offer me a glass of water or heaven forbid offer to mow the rest... it saddened me and I almost started crying while mowing the yard! Then when I came in I went into the kitchen to get some water, H comes in and instead of saying anything about the yard he says to me, "um, I just wanted to let you know if you are going to open the windows downstairs to turn off the dehumidifier. It's just wasting electricity." I stood there and looked at him a few seconds... then I said, "ok, thank you for letting me know." On the up side I didn't say I'm sorry, I have a bad habit of doing that, my counselor told me I need to work on not apologizing for things I don't need to say I'm sorry for. But anyway, really, that's what he had to say to me....


But then I didn't cry, I thought to myself, no Heather, there is no need for that you are doing the best you can, and you have no control over what he does or doesn't do, you should be proud of yourself for mowing all of this very sloped yard by yourself! Don't waste another minute having a self pity party. God has a plan and it is a perfect plan, even if you don't agree with it right now or like it. You will not think negative things about your H because that is not productive. You will continue to be you, the kind, compassionate, patient person you have always been, and are becoming again (it was interrupted with a bout of depression, which I didn't know I was in due to fertility issues until I sought counseling for this H issue, blessing in disguise maybe? I really wasn't liking the person I had been becoming in depression ). Then I started thinking about all the things that have been making me happy recently. When I was done mowing the yard I wrote my list down and thought I would share it. Who knows, maybe it will help someone see the joys in their life even though they are going through this type of difficult time and pain as well.

What Has Been Making Me Happy Recently
-God: My faith in Him has been strengthened and it's through Him alone I am making it through ths.

-warm days

-a good workout

-positive people in my life

-the hug of a 17 month old at work who recently learned to say my name (which Heather is not the easiest name for a child to conquer)

-cooking out on the grill

-flowers blooming

-music, always a nice escape (might I suggest listening to Fall Apart by Josh Wilson, it's excellent!)

-road trips and adventure days

-attempting to start a garden

-the sounds of the horses hooves from the passing horse and buggies

-church bells

-watching a good movie

-the drive in soon opening!!!

-the satisfaction of a job well done, even if no one else cares or notices

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Great job on the list!

So much of this is about keeping the right perspective. When it comes down to it our spouses are/were but one small part of the whole of this world that makes our lives rewarding. We can choose to either give that one small part all our energy, or we can choose to embrace all those great things.

Your love of the sound of horse hooves resonated with me. I live next to a rescue, and there's nothing I love more than watching the horses play in the field next to my house (especially the shetland pony play fighting the thoroughbred! Little pony, massive confidence...we could learn a thing or two from him!), or hearing and feeling them gallop. Out of this world! Especially on a lazy afternoon from my hammock.

You're doing great...keep it up!


me 45
H 46
T 5
M 2.5
BD Sept 6 2011
OW Sept 8 2011
Threw him out Sept 8 2011
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greatwhitenorth~ I loved your line, "Little pony, massive confidence...we could learn a thing or two from him!" That made me laugh!

So why is it every time I get myself built up to the point I am doing alright body snatcher has to do something to push me down?

This morning while getting ready for work I noticed he took the rest of his clothes out of the closet, expect one shirt, a tie dye one I had made him. Well I went over to his room and knocked on the door. I said I couldn't help but notice the mass exodus of clothes from the closet, but you left one. He said I'm getting rid of stuff I don't wear, taking it to that Salvation Army place. Which shirt did I leave? I said the tie dye one. Oh I didn't even see it (that's a lie, it was the only thing left hanging on his side!) I said well do you want it, he says yeah put it on the floor.... so I guess that will be given away too....

Then he came out here and said speaking of noticing things I noticed you are planting a garden. I said yeah, is that ok? He said something but I didn't hear. So I said what, and as he continued to walk away he said whatever you want to do. He sounded annoyed. Well guess what buddy I am standing by not leaving our home, we worked hard to get here and I am going to work hard to keep it! If he leaves I have no idea how I will pay for the mortgage but where there is a will there is a way!

One day he's ok with me the next he treats me like his arch nemesis. I'm exhausted.

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