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I also have an MLC h and have been following your sitch and noting the close parallels with what I'm experiencing.
I just stumbled across a poster here who has described the most amazing mlc journey that I think you might get some benefit from.
It's in piecing, of all places because, despite the extremity of her partner's mlc, he came back - eventually. BUT, as she documents in painful detail, there often seemed to be absolutely no hope along the way.
Anyway, have a look at AliSuddenly's story - for me it's been a sanity-saver:
golf mom, It's okay to have hope, but please do not put your life on hold. Live your life to the fullest and leave the door ajar. If and when your h wakes up, he may or may not want to reconcile w/you. Your h will have a lot to make up for and he will have to prove to you and your family that he really does want to reconcile. You don't know what the future holds for you, i.e., your h may take forever to wake up and you may have moved on or you may have met someone new who will treat you like a queen. Time will tell as to what your future holds for you. Ultimately, the final decision of whether or not you want to reconcile will be up to you if your h does broach the subject of reconciling w/you.
Thank you, snodderly. It is hard to accept that even if he comes out of his crisis he might not want me. Honestly, once our D is final I can't imagine ever wanting to reconcile. I'm not even sure how I would ever forgive him. There are days that I feel like that now. After all, when I look back at our relationship it's not that we had something extraordinary. We have a long history and children together, but that's it. Life with him, at times, has been very difficult due to his selfish behavior. A friend of mine suggested researching arrested development because of his childhood traumas and behavior. From the little I've read I think it might apply to him. I'm not sure how all of this knowledge plays into any future decisions I will need to make regarding him, but I do know that it feels important to me at this moment to be the one to accept him or turn him away if and when that time comes. After being abandoned, I want to have that choice over my life. I'm not sure why I feel that way and I realize that day may never come. In the meantime, I just need to keep living my life without him. Thankfully, I'm so busy that it's been pretty easy. However, I really want to feel joy again. I'm hoping as I adjust to being a single working parent the joy and purpose for my life will return. I'm not quite there yet. Right now, I feel overwhelmed with the realization that everything rests on me. My H doesn't seem to want to be a parent or help in any way other than financially. It sure makes NC easier, but that's it.
It's likely that my H will contact me wanting a response to the email that he sent from work on Friday. If so, what should I do? I feel so much better having NC with him, but I want the refinancing to go through. I can just see him saying I stopped the process since I didn't hear back from you. My thought is to say "I have asked you not to contact me. We had previously agreed to your requirements so there isn't anything more to discuss. From now on you need to bring your concerns up to your attorney." I feel totally comfortable saying that, but once I do I don't leave the door open for me to contact him (re kids, money) or do I?
You could tell him that the only contact you wish to have with him from now on would be due to kids or financial. Anything else is to be routed through the attorneys because that's what you're paying them for.
Hi Golf Mom, I think your response in regards to the refinancing is perfect and you should say that.
Ok Golf Mom, this is where you have to stand firm, DO NOT WAIVER, and you make the rules on this one. Sorry but when it comes to the kids and money, DO NOT LET THEM RUN THE SHOW. You can be fair, and you can be firm, you can noegotiate, BUT DO NOT BACK DOWN. What you do now can either help you down the road or bite you in the A$$ later. I know it's so hard, but this is where you must put your business hat on and be very realistic of what your future will be down the road.
First of all, have you both come to an agreement on an amount of money (child support, house payment, etc.) he will pay to sustain you until the divorce negotiations are agreed upon? If not, my advice is to get that ironed out NOW.
Second, do you already have a routine or plan you're following in regards to his parenting time with the kids? If you don't, get it ironed out NOW.
If you can get that agreed upon, and he actually sticks to the plans you two agreed upon, then there is no reason for you to contact him ( and him to contact you) unless something out of the ordinary happens...and alot of the time it does. Life just happens and there are times we have to contact them even if we don't want to. Been there done that. But when it comes up, you just deal with it. yes it tears the heart strings, and sets you back sometimes, but that's just the way it is. Yes, it [censored]!Believe me I know and I live it all the time.
Im sorry, I can't remember, but has he filed the papers yet? I remember you saying your attorney didn't want to do anything until he files the papers?
Keep this in mind...if he drags his feet on filing the papers, you can always turn right around the file them yourself. Now I know that's not very DB of me, but I also know these MLCers will drag their feet, procrastinate, scream and yell they want a divorce because you're personally responsible for their misery in life and then turn right around and not even be proactive in their own divorce!!!!!! Been there, done that.
I tried to negotiate parenting time with the kids and timely payment with my Xh and he didn't take me seriously. He wouldn't let me know when he wanted the kids, I had a hard time making plans of my own. Our lives revolved around HIM, even after he left! He'd show up and take the kids whenever I wasn't home, make plans with them without checking in with me first, pay agreed child support whenever the heck he wanted... I mean the man was all over the place. I let it roll a while because I didn't want to cause ripples and was still wondering/hoping he was going to come home. When it was clear he wasn't going to, I took action, and he was pissed. But I didn't care. When I got my attorney involved, he listened.
Then when they come to you all frustrated because they don't want to pay money,or you're controlling all the parenting time, then the self satisfying part of this is saying " Sorry, but you made the choice to leave. You wanted a divorce. You've got it. This is reality". And let me tell you it's very satisfying to remind them that in all reality this is what they wanted but it comes with consequences that their MLC brain DID NOT think about!
They will be angry with you, go to the OW and cry about what a B**** you are,get family involved, and basically throw a tantrum like a child would when not getting what they want. But like a child, in the end they will respect you for it.
Kimmerz, there's so much that needs to be done. Once my attorney responds to the D papers then we need to do our income/debt disclosures. After that temporary support can be worked out. In the meantime, my H controls the money by only depositing enough to cover bills which he doesn't have a good grasp of. In addition to that I find it really annoying and odd that although he has his own bank account he continues to use our joint account (the one that barely has enough to cover my expenses) to purchase gas and pay his utilities. He pays for everything else out of his own bank account. What's up with that? It's like he's a teenager who wants his own car and apartment, but he doesn't want to pay for necessities like gas and electricity. When I brought this up to him several months ago he turned it into an argument, making me the bad guy again. So, finances is something that my attorney needs to get settled immediately. I don't want to have to contact him for anything, especially money.
I seriously just don't feel emotionally safe having any dealings with him whatsoever. My heart just isn't strong enough yet. There is always something in each conversation, email, etc. that throws me into a tailspin. Going NC protects me to some degree from the reality of the situation. I just need time to accept what has happened. For me this all came out of left field. The day of BD was the day he left and I've been trying to wrap my mind around this ever since.
My H doesn't see the boys at all. In fact, he said since they don't want a relationship with them he's giving me 100% custody. How convenient! What kind of father just walks away from their kids without trying to repair things? The boys don't want to have contact with him because he uses that time to justify his actions. When they've expressed anger and hurt feelings he goes into his whole speech about how he had to leave, blah, blah, blah and plenty of kids have divorced parents and they're fine. He's truly clueless.
I'm so angry that while he walks around in la la land, I'm picking up the pieces from what he's done. I think I'm really starting to hate him! I know this is vindictive, but I want him to hurt and feel scared by the reality of his actions. Sadly these men keep running and self medicating so they don't have to go there. What cowards!
golf mom, Do you have your own checking account? If you don't, set one up as soon as possible.
As for what he's doing with the account about gas, etc., that is very odd. Try to find a bit of time to start jotting down what you spend on everything. This will you when you begin accounting for everything on the disclosure forms. Now, don't be surprised if he doesn't do one...he may drag his feet on it.
As for him wanting you to have 100% custody, go for it and do not dispute it! If I am thinking correctly, that means you will be afforded 100% child support and not half. Don't fight him on this one. I know that it is a bummer that he's turning his back on his children and he will live to regret doing it, but he will have to learn this on his own.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Hopefully your lawyer can get things set up for you soon.