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A Message from Michele
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#2239912 - 04/22/12 09:38 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: job]
AJM Offline

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 3622
OMG. Snodderly is so right. Go for the 100% child custody. Don't fight that one. He's lost and if you push the kids too hard to have time with their dad, they may resent you for that. That'll have to be worked out later. They will resent him for it, but that's for a later time.

When they've expressed anger and hurt feelings he goes into his whole speech about how he had to leave, blah, blah, blah and plenty of kids have divorced parents and they're fine. He's truly clueless.

I'm so angry that while he walks around in la la land, I'm picking up the pieces from what he's done.
Be glad you are not as nutty as he is and CAN pick up the pieces. As unfair as it is, it's better by far. Really.

I agree with Snodderly on this one. Get a checking account of your own. As the money comes in transfer it over before if you can.

I'm also sorry for what you're going through. Some tough choices. But time will be and is your friend. Protect the kids and it'll work out better in the end for you and the kids.

Perspective GM. Keep your perspective even as your head spins. There will be time enough later for the WTF moments, but for now you need to take care of those you are entrusted to take care of.

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

#2239916 - 04/22/12 10:15 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: AJM]
Kimmerz Offline

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 889
Loc: West Coast
Oh Wow GM,

Holy Guacamole! But hey I agree that you must take that 100% custody because this will benefit you financially and the children.

Do you think he would agree to close the account with you and then just give you a check or just deposit that money into your new account? You can make deposits in other people's accounts without having to be on the account. That's how I pay my rent every month, I just deposit it into my landlords account.

I don't think it's fair that he puts the bare minimum in there for you and the boys yet turns right around and withdraws it for his utilities and gas. That is not cool. If he can use his bank account for other things then he can use it for gas and utilities.

Did you normally do all the bookwork and bill paying when you were together? That's what I did and I noticed that XH really didn't have a clue as to what a juggling act it was to pay all bills on time and keep food on the table...and stretch things a bit. This very well could be whats going on with your H.

Yes it's beyond comprehension as to why he would give his kids up, but remember he has MLC brain damage right now. This does NOT MAKE IT OK or his ACTIONS justified, but it's just par for the course.

MLCers get real sneaky with their money. They hide it and blow it. It was when we did our income/debt disclosure, I found out EXACTLY what he was up to. He had received over 30,000 from a family lawsuit I knew was in the works but had not been cashed in on. He received these funds directly under my nose the last year he was here. He stashed this money, blew half of it and Im pretty sure cashed out alot and stashed it in his safe. All the while claiming he's so poor and can barely afford food and it was all my fault he had financial trouble.

So be careful!
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

#2239923 - 04/22/12 11:37 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: Kimmerz]
golf mom Offline

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
You're all right. I am better off having 100% custody of the kids. Not only is it better financially, but I will have total control over their lives without having to consult him. Once (IF) he gets his act together I am happy for him to have visitation, but it will be at my discretion and in accordance with what's best for the kids. He's in a poor me mode right now, so I don't think I'll have to deal with that for awhile. Also, kids don't work well with dating, so he's probably happy to not have do any juggling. However, his attorney may light a fire under him, especially when he finds out what this is going to cost him.

I do need to get my own checking account and I will request that automatic deposits be made by his employer so I don't have to deal with him re finances anymore. I know they can do this since I was the one who took care of all of our bills and bookkeeping. The man didn't even know what his annual income was until he stopped the automatic deposits and actually saw a pay stub. Never mind that I had all of the information neatly filed away at home for him to see any time, but it was easier for him to let me handle everything and then blame later.

#2240010 - 04/23/12 01:41 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
golf mom Offline

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
Yesterday was a horrible day emotionally. I live in a small town where gossip thrives. I keep my life pretty private and don't socialize with the cliques, but yesterday word got out. A woman I haven't been friends with for five years spent the better part of her day contacting people that I now wanting to confirm "a shocking rumor." What's wrong with people? My kids and I are dealing with the worst trauma of our lives and others are being entertained by it. I feel weepy this morning not having slept very well and feeling violated. Right now I have total disgust for my H for bringing all of this into our lives. I am having to pray so hard to keep hate from invading my heart.

#2240254 - 04/24/12 12:49 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
Kimmerz Offline

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 889
Loc: West Coast
Golf Mom,

I want to let you know I understand. I live in a small town too and I've spent the last year wanting to hide from everyone because Im just humiliated over what my Xh has done and with who!

But remind yourself of this. This is his choice. He did this. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Hold your head up high.

Small towns gossip, that's just the way they are. You know the truth of what's going on. It's something new to talk about, and then next thing you know everyone will be on to something else in a few weeks. You're real friends will come over and say Hi and give you a hug.

Now all that anger that you feel is turning into hatred... don't push it down and try to put it aside. Let is surface! A good way to let it out is to write an email/letter to H and just keep it. One time I did send one out to XH and it felt so good. All I got in return was more excuses, emotional unavailability, and blame. Think the bad thoughts that you need to, go find a private place and say the things you need to say (driving alone is excellent for this venting session)and of course call a friend or post here and let it out! After you feel better, then pray for help in moving past this anger.

This anger stage I've been going through for a couple of months and I've had to pray ALOT. I think Im finally approaching the shallow end of anger and looking at total acceptance now. But the only way I got here was just to let my anger surface and let it out. At first my anger was so intense and big that it scared me.
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

#2240307 - 04/24/12 04:58 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: Kimmerz]
sunshinelewis Offline

Registered: 12/17/08
Posts: 1165
Kim is right GM, let it out.
Don't be ashamed to hold your head up high, you did nothing wrong. Let them talk, like Kim said, they will move on to someone else soon.
People do get entertained in gossip especially in a small town.
I also live in a small town and my xh was the Fire Chief of our biggest department AND a Police Sgt. for our city.
EVERYWHERE I went people were consoling me, asking me what happened. I repeated myself a million times over. I didn't let it stop me from going out though.
After awhile I just smiled and said Yep he is having a crisis I guess and changed the subject.
He is the one that looks awful for leaving his family and not trying to save your marriage.
After being together for so many years I will never understand why or how someone can walk away so easily without even thinking.

I read something on the alt. Do you have a alt account?
Anyway, it said an elderly couple was asked how they stayed married for 65 years.
They replied...."We come from a time that you fix what is broken iinstead of just throwing it out" SO TRUE and THIS is how it should be always.

Hugs to you!
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10

#2241061 - 04/27/12 12:51 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: sunshinelewis]
golf mom Offline

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
I'm having a really hard day. I called my H this morning to let him know that S15 said he is depressed and is having a hard time focusing in school. I knew it emotionally dangerous for me to call, but I felt it was the right thing to do. I turned the conversation to us (I know, big mistake) and learned that my H is dating (nothing serious, according to him). It hurts knowing that he's spending time and money on someone else and I'm here by myself barely coping. I asked him to work on our relationship and he listed the reasons why he left. He acknowledged that he has faults, but they didn't cause him to leave. I let him know that I've heard what he said and that I will continue to work on things that I feel need changing, but that I won't change things that I like about myself to appease him or anyone else. I also said that I felt that he focuses on my negative qualities, but has chosen not to remember what is good about me and our relationship. He said that he is "terrified" that he'll come home and eventually the same problems will come up. I asked him to start spending time with me, but he said no. He'll contact me if and when he wants to see me. How do I show him that I am working on changing (being less controlling) if we never see each other? I miss him and I'm really hurting. I don't know what to do. What if this isn't a MLC? Right now I'm feeling like it's all my fault again.

#2241064 - 04/27/12 12:57 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
MrBond Offline

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 12602
Sorry to hear that.

Of course you don't need to be told that was a big backslide.

I would delete his phone number from your phone so that it's not a constant reminder. Make yourself happy.
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.


#2241082 - 04/27/12 02:23 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
TSquared2 Offline

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2609
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Hey GM,

We have all backslid...the last time I did was right before Christmas...I learned to never ask about R unless you are ready to hear the worst things you can imagine (and then some you couldn't)...I feel for you.

Did you write down all his "complaints"? I found for me it was useful to objectively go through them one at a time, and written down I could remember exactly what W said...many of my faults were valid without question, others I was clueless about, yet others were behaviors or ways of interacting that served me pretty well in my career/job, but at home and in my R with W and kids? Not so much.

Throw the list, and your thoughts on each bullet point, up here, I am sure we could help sift through things.

As far as his dating...yes, that hurts...the time and money...I have ended up financing her "explorations" and the equipment to do so since she is a SAHM. It s_cks, I know we would rather they spend that time and money on fixing the M...

Hang in there!

In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

#2241087 - 04/27/12 02:37 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: MrBond]
dl443322 Offline

Registered: 10/31/07
Posts: 4042
Sweetie, sorry to hear you had a bad day.

First things first. It doesnt really matter if it's MLC or not right now.

You still need to try to db.

And it is perfectly normal to feel the way you do. You are still so early into this.

I know it is hard to see past the enormous white elephant of your h, but, that it exactly what you need to do.

Here's the thing. You need to make changes for you. And only you. That is the only way he will believe them.

Trust me, he knows right where to find you.

So, you have to decide who you want to be. And then try to be that person everyday. Some days you make it, some you dont,but that should always be the goal.

And you need to let him walk his own journey.

I will tell you that calling him is not a good idea. He feels you are not hearing him and that you havent changed.

You become the best you. A
nd even though you dont see him much, every interaction, is a chance for him to see who you are becoming.

Who do you want him to see? A strong, intelligent, independent GM right?

Calling him wasnt a good idea. Now you know better so you'll do better.

This is hard stuff. You are going to backslide. It happens. But it really is best if you put the focus on you and your children and let him blow in the wind for now.

The only way to do this is through it.

Get to gettin'.

You can do this.

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