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#2239894 - 04/22/12 02:21 PM Re: Outside the Scope of This Report 4 [Re: WenikiTiki]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 2980
How much longer before you kick him out of the house Wen?

That OW? Nice. Very classy of her. But I would expect she'll keep that up for a while. She isn't going to be very secure in the relationship while he is on the fence like that. Living in your house but pursuing her...

The question becomes how long you'll put up with it?

Songs can be interesting sometimes. Heard this one? http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/sugarland/stay.html

AJ
_________________________
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

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#2239944 - 04/22/12 09:51 PM Re: Outside the Scope of This Report 4 [Re: AJM]
WenikiTiki Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1073
Loc: Hawaii
Hey AJ!

I am afraid to kick him out. I think he would then start doing nutty things with the money. We have a huge mortgage and currently a bit too much on credit cards.

I pay the bills, and I know where we stand. We let out kids move back in and we went from breaking even to in debt. And just haven't recovered. I should have kept my job and never bought that boat. Hindsight is 20/20!

The way I see it is we will list the house, looks like next week. Sell it in the next couple months, and go on then to live apart. He can have her and all her drama.

He could be living away from me, he could stay on the boat. But he won't. And I really don't want to go down and live in the heart of Waikiki on the boat myself. It isn't like regular docks. There are no security gates and a TON of homeless people live down there. (Homeless tweakers.....)

That is a nice Sugarland song. I won't post it on FB, though.

The drama is getting over-the-top! I just want to make quilts and play with my grandkids!

Aloha,

Wendy
_________________________
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33
D final 9/12
Sold the house, Progress is being made!

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#2239962 - 04/22/12 11:05 PM Re: Outside the Scope of This Report 4 [Re: WenikiTiki]
kml Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 11978
So - once you list the house, should you be filing? I just hate to see the house sell without you having some kind of legal protection in place. And I'd be worried about him spending his half and leaving you holding the bag for the credit card debts or whatever.

OW is a crazy whack job and I agree with everyone else - your sister should block her on FB. No need for ANY contact, it just gets her wired up. And I have no idea how dangerous she might be.

It's interesting that you had that scary intuition about the possibility of her pushing you from a cliff. That IS weird that they invited you on a hike before you knew about their affair. And she sounds just loony enough. Watch your back.

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#2239987 - 04/23/12 04:48 AM Re: Outside the Scope of This Report 4 [Re: kml]
WenikiTiki Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1073
Loc: Hawaii
For some odd reason, today was the day. You know, the day I just had enough. H and I worked on the yard together. We came in and I started dinner. He asked what I wanted to watch on TV. He starts a show on the DVR. Then he gets and takes an hour long call with OW.

I switched the DVR over to watch somthing I like and he doesn't. (Nurse Jackie) He comes back from his bedroom and his call. Dinner came out of the oven about then, chicken enchillatas with green sauce. And I just was done.

I confronted him about him skipping a planned on talk we were supposed to have yesterday. I went over everything I've been wondering, worrying about. I told him how I felt about OW and her games. And he is just steadfast in his desire to end our marriage. He said it isn't about OW, it is about me. And if that is true, then I am not hanging in there anymore, to wait and see.

There is no easy way out. And until he lives with crazy and gets all that will come with that, I'm not changing his mind. And I pressed him hard, because our conversations always end with him just saying we are getting divorced. I asked him to tell me exactly how that works. He says well we get divorced. I aid, no, I wanted details. He didn't have any.

I said how much money was he going to give me for spousal support and for how long? Anyway, we hammered out all the details, I told him what I want, what I think is fair. He actually named a number higher than I was looking for.

Now some of you are going to say to not work it out, to go to court. I am looking at how things go here in Hawaii. And it is a crapshoot. It depends on the judge, your lawyer and maybe which way the wind is blowing. Many people have told me the best way to go in Hawaii is with a mediator.

The uncertainty of it has been killing me. So I need to go in, get this all written up and we will proceed from there. H is evidently being driven more by the fact that he "Isn't getting any younger." To which I say "AMEN".

His main worry is that he won't be able to buy a house. He also really wants to keep the boat. And it pains me terribly that the one thing I worked so hard on will end up being enjoyed by OW. But I need to just let go of that dream. I guess I'll give her my foul weather gear, since she seems to like my stuff.

Actually, I'd better keep it. Who knows, a better boat might be in my future.

Anyway, we covered medical, dental and life insurance, retirement, future retirement, spousal support, and all our assets. I also told him I didn't think his IRA's should have OW's name on them, that he should put our sons names on them. I reminded him how much that hurt his and his brother and sister's feeling to find that their dad had given so much money to his new wife. (My MIL passed away pretty young)

As we finished our discussion I did feel a great sense of relief. I guess I just don't need to worry about all this anymore. Let us see how I sleep tonight.

@KML: H and OW were always acting like I was so weak and couldn't do things. Funny, because I workout more than them combined. I have come to realize it was just part of the highly effective brainwashing OW did on H.

Sad and funny how we let other people get in our heads.

Aloha,

Wendy
_________________________
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33
D final 9/12
Sold the house, Progress is being made!

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#2240005 - 04/23/12 09:29 AM Re: Outside the Scope of This Report 4 [Re: WenikiTiki]
kml Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 11978
Well - IF he's offering you more than the courts would give you, get him to get it in writing ASAP! But honestly - you should NOT be having those financial discussions without legal advice. And anything he says now isn't worth the paper it isn't written on.

I do recommend mediation as a less expensive and combative way of doing things. You should have your own outside lawyer too, though, in addition to the mediator, and you should meet with them first so that you have a really clear notion of what is fair and appropriate. You also need to give yourself some negotiating wiggle room, so it's good to ask for a little more than what you are aiming for.

If he plans to keep the boat, how will he be paying you for your share of that asset? Or is there no equity in it?

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#2240076 - 04/23/12 12:21 PM Re: Outside the Scope of This Report 4 [Re: kml]
WenikiTiki Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1073
Loc: Hawaii
I have talked to 4 different lawyers. One I went in with a list of questions and the answers weren't very helpful.

Right now he says to get it written up the way we discussed and he will sign. As I have said all along I will end up doing the paperwork. I would keep waiting to see if he will come back around, but it seems like if I keep waiting I will end up getting screwed over by the court system. And I need to know what I will have so I can make concrete plans.

The IRA's and boat value work out to about the equity in the house. So this is all contingent on selling the house.

I gave myself wiggle room, in my discussions with him. He is the one who started naming numbers. So let's see how good his memory is when it is all written up.
_________________________
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33
D final 9/12
Sold the house, Progress is being made!

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#2240085 - 04/23/12 12:36 PM Re: Outside the Scope of This Report 4 [Re: WenikiTiki]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 18877
Loc: Maryland
If you opt to just write up the agreement, be sure to get it notarized! It is important to do this as it will become a binding agreement between the two of you.

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#2240092 - 04/23/12 12:59 PM Re: Outside the Scope of This Report 4 [Re: job]
kml Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 11978
Look into the tax consequences of your choices, too.

For instance - have you been in the house over two years? Would the proceeds from the sale exceed the $250,000 tax limit? You don't want to take all your share in house equity then get socked for a big tax bill.

In that case, you would be better off splitting up the house proceeds and taking some of the IRAs.

Also - don't sell yourself short. Remember you have to pay taxes on the alimony you receive, while he gets a tax break. Might you be better off to take a lump sum (like the IRAs) than to receive alimony? These are the kinds of questions you need to ask yourself. And make sure you are receiving alimony for at least 1/2 the number of years you have been married - that is the formula in my state, anyway. Also - in my state, at least, the alimony always remains open to renegotiation (for instance, if my ex became unemployed, he could go back to court and petition to have the alimony reduced or stopped). A lump sum would protect you against this eventuality. (But usually it needs to be a pretty big lump to account for years and years of alimony).

Also make sure any alimony comes directly from his paycheck. It's a pain to have to wait around for your ex to write a check every month, and it kinda pisses them off every month. Better to have direct deposit.

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#2240094 - 04/23/12 01:01 PM Re: Outside the Scope of This Report 4 [Re: kml]
kml Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 11978
P.S. wife.org has a lot of good financial info for divorcing women.

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#2240103 - 04/23/12 01:42 PM Re: Outside the Scope of This Report 4 [Re: kml]
WenikiTiki Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1073
Loc: Hawaii
He only has 11 more years he plans on working. He agreed to pay spousal support until he retires. Then I get 1/6 of that rertirement, too. In theory social security will kick in some time around then. (Not counting on that, tho...)

I get half the military retirement. The money we are calling equity in our house is the down payment, so we don't have to worry about that for capital gains.

I know to never say never, but my H is in a key position where he works. I can't see him changing what he is doing. He has a sweet deal with a boss who really appreciates him, and a bunch of other people who depend on him. When ever the boss goes out of town, my H is in charge, even though technically other people should be.

I was running the tax numbers and trying to figure it all out. I need more time in my day!

But I think it will all work out.
_________________________
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33
D final 9/12
Sold the house, Progress is being made!

Top
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