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#2191720 - 10/09/11 09:38 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: beatrice]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Journaling

It's Thanksgiving weekend in Canada. It's grey, windy and wet.

I'm alone today and tomorrow. That's ok, I have stuff to do.
I had TG dinner yesterday evening with a good friend who's been my main support throughout these last couple years.
I miss my sons, (they're with STBX this weekend), my STBX and our loud extended family at the dinner table though.

I'm really trying to see the upside of this, do my own thing and keep myself busy and distracted. Honestly, it just feels like more loss, more change I have to cope with and plaster over with a phony smile, and being with others just makes that feeling more acute.

I have not talked to my kids, I have not phoned my STBX's home to do so. I don't want to. I feel like I'm intruding and given STBX's words, I'm more in doubt than ever that there is anything to salvage. His antipathy to me is more and more evident. My very presence hurts him.

If he had been a spewer, taken up with OW, or done some of the absolutely horrible things to me that have been done to others on this board, it may have been easier for me to abandon hope, and to walk away with my self esteem intact, and my action justified.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

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#2191724 - 10/09/11 10:00 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
beatrice Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/10
Posts: 2149
Originally Posted By: Queen_of_Swords
Journaling

His antipathy to me is more and more evident. My very presence hurts him.

If he had been a spewer, taken up with OW, or done some of the absolutely horrible things to me that have been done to others on this board, it may have been easier for me to abandon hope, and to walk away with my self esteem intact, and my action justified.





I am sorry you are feeling horrible. Two years feels like a long itme, but it isn't in terms of emotional healing after a long relationship, and things get better. As to your quote above: having had a spewer + OW combination I am not sure that this helps us to abandon hope and walk away.

Your h's actions towards you are just as abusive as those of other MLCers. They are cruel selfish and hurtful. And unnecessary. No one 'has' to behave like this.

Hugs

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#2191835 - 10/10/11 06:47 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: beatrice]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
I'm disengaging.
It takes energy from me to extend myself out to STBX.
I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see him. There is absolutely no point.
He texted this morning. I kept my response brief and did not encourage more by asking any questions.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2191934 - 10/11/11 02:19 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
AntoniaB Offline
Member

Registered: 06/11/10
Posts: 1400
Q of S, do you feel more "at peace" with less contact? Just wondering. I know that I do, although our sitches are very different.

I guess my feeling is that if you do, you should be ok with your "disengaging". It's a form of self-protection.

So on this topic:

"I'm really trying to see the upside of this, do my own thing and keep myself busy and distracted. Honestly, it just feels like more loss, more change I have to cope with and plaster over with a phony smile, and being with others just makes that feeling more acute."

I get that, because I think for the first 8 months or so I felt like I had to be an actress around people and plaster on the smile...I don't feel that way anymore...I'm pretty happy in general.

I wanted to know what kind of things you were doing to distract yourself, what are you doing for you and you alone?

The more I started to get out and do new things or find new interests, I felt a lot less lonely.

It's hard to start that sort of thing...but it's funny, once I did one thing "outside my comfort zone", it became easier to do it frequently...and as a result I've met a lot of new people. Not romantic interests, but just people who never knew me as a "wife" and who know me only as an individual and who really like me for who I am. The more that happens, the more I feel ok and not lonely.
_________________________
M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying

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#2191952 - 10/11/11 04:13 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: AntoniaB]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
More at peace, no not really. Resigned is more the word.
I just realize that anything I could say is like shouting in a hurricane and has the same effect. Pointless. So why say anything?

As far as distracting, let's just say, with work, home and kids , I GAL as much as I can.

I plan outings with a g/f, I participate in sports in the evening when extra curricular activities with the kids don't get in the way. I meditate. I still go out for "dates" when I can.

I make appointments for massages for myself, pedicures, good haircut.
I'm into extreme self care that way.

I'm indulging my love for nice lingerie and shoes. I've upgraded and continue to add nice clothes to my wardrobe, which I must say, before STBX left was pretty minimal.
I've made a bucket list with relatively easily achievable goals on it ( need to save the bucks, but they are doable.)

I fill any other empty time with personal study.

Still at the end of the day I feel alone most.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2191958 - 10/11/11 04:27 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
AntoniaB Offline
Member

Registered: 06/11/10
Posts: 1400
Wow, I think your GAL activities are terrific. It sounds like you're doing a lot to take care of yourself (and I know, money is always a factor on some of these things).

I wonder if the loneliness comes from his being still in your life...like for me, XH is gone...so I'm not reminded by seeing him, or speaking to him, of the "loss." So it's easier for me to detach. But in your case, even though he's unresponsive, he's still "around."

This must be terribly hard to navigate. Do you see any counselor/therapist? I feel like I have no advice for you since my XH bailed and we were cut off so fast, that I didn't have this to deal with. I had his total absence to deal with, which was tough. But I almost feel like this must be tougher.
_________________________
M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying

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#2191971 - 10/11/11 05:19 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: AntoniaB]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
I have a DB counselor and one I see for the program I'm doing.
If I'm desperate I call the one that I think will help me sort through things best.

Yes, it is really tough to see someone you love and care about, and know they can't care back and choose not to love you back, yet you have to negotiate with them on behalf of the kids and sort through that.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2191973 - 10/11/11 06:44 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
beatrice Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/10
Posts: 2149
Being on your own is tough - whether you are with an emotionally unavailable person, or on your own with kids - or just on your own.

Eventually it becomes a blessing. I can't say when, and I used to get irritated with people who told me that, and think 'Not for me' but at some point I started to positively enjoy the time alone, last thing at night and first thing in the morning. Now I am not at all sure I would want anyone intruding into this peace. A friend of mine who had been on her own a long time told me about this, and I thought at the time she was crazy!

I no longer have to make the best of it. Hang in there, it will happen because you are doing everything you can to make it happen. The struggling through becomes effortless, llike a fitness training program. Remember when you started running or swimming seriously, how hard it is at first, and how it becomes effortless, and finally enjoyable. Well it is like this for me, except it took a lot longer!

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#2192369 - 10/13/11 03:32 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: beatrice]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Nothing new to report.
STBX picked up the kids. I got home from a very long day at work, after he and the kids had left.
Spent a quiet evening at home.
He unloaded about his troubles at work and certain challenges he was dealing with.
I merely told him I had a long day.
What's there to say? It's not like he gives a damn.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2194004 - 10/21/11 01:14 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Been a week since this last entry.
Nothing much to report.
I feel less and less as time moves along.
I'm happy with that big master bedroom to myself, I thought to myself tonight.
I feel less and less as time moves along. I still love the guy, but it's more in the way you once loved a favorite uncle.
If he decides to finally get the show on the road and D me, I won't be devastated. I'm not even sure I want to be friends with him anymore. I don't know quite how to explain why this is or exactly what I'm feeling toward him besides a "fare thee well" sort of affection.
I don't even understand why I was so torn up when he left anymore. I understand intellectually it was all about old wounds and abandonment issues that arouse in my childhood, but it's not like I was getting what I needed from him. Heck the kids weren't/aren't getting what they needed either.

I think if he tried to hug me now, I'd be a bit uncomfortable.
Is this what detachment looks like?
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
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