I would bring up the issues when she starts playing the blame game again. One little nugget that you can use is that people who are untruthful or cheat often believe their spouse of being the same way they are. You can use that to your advantage.
If you go dark and really start having a life, she will suspect another person on your end. This might just pry her away from someone else.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Starksy-I know questioning cheaters is pointless now. I learned my lesson on that during my learning phase. Its time to just straight up tell her I know about the cheating and that I can't live like this as you said.
Mr. Bond-What do you mean about bringing up issues when she plays the blame game? I don't think she thinks I'm cheating which is why she is trying so hard to hide her cheating or numerous communication with other men. She had the audacity to confront me one time about me looking at the cell phone bill months back and say that I was calling people on the list. I said do you have something to hide and she try to brush it off as someone's mom had been sick and they happened to have late conversations about it. Well I knew that guys name too.
I have tested going dark for a while and I don't think it really does anything to my W.
Mindfull-I had posted a while back about writing a letter when my D was near the end of the road and I was going to write one last letter. I have not sent it and not sure that I really need to since most of the content was shared with her in my last conversation anyway and she would probably just brush it off.
I think my W is very lonely as she just goes crazy with texting and calling people all day long. I really think she can't handle being on her own and has to be with someone or talking to someone every second of the day.
Should I just setup another time to talk to say these things or what? Should I talk about how I'm a work in progress and working on not repeating the past as 25yearsmlc mentioned? Should I have the OM talk with her now or later?
Me:29 W:28 S:2 M: 5 years Bomb: 7-26-11 Separated: 8-20-11 EA w/ multiple OMs W filed 1/2012
I would focus on you and your son. Any interractions w/her will be an example of the changes you have made (that you considered needed to be made).
I would lead by example.
I would implement some solid guidelines for scheduling of son visitation/flexibility.
I would be pleasant, but only engage in conversations regarding son.
I would cut off her ability to use you as an interim "fix" for conversation/emotional intimacy.
I would absolutely make sure you are protected financially. (debt)
Lastly, I would move on.
She may come back w/real remorse one day... But, Starsky said it best... This isn't a quick fix. You needs to see their changes for more than months... Possibly over a year. Words match actions.
If she doesn't come back w/real remorse, you've already begun a solid foundation for you and son.
Stop feeding her.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I would focus on you and your son. Any interractions w/her will be an example of the changes you have made (that you considered needed to be made).
I would lead by example.
I would implement some solid guidelines for scheduling of son visitation/flexibility.
I would be pleasant, but only engage in conversations regarding son.
I would cut off her ability to use you as an interim "fix" for conversation/emotional intimacy.
I would absolutely make sure you are protected financially. (debt)
Lastly, I would move on.
She may come back w/real remorse one day... But, Starsky said it best... This isn't a quick fix. You needs to see their changes for more than months... Possibly over a year. Words match actions.
If she doesn't come back w/real remorse, you've already begun a solid foundation for you and son.
Stop feeding her.
Worth repeating and emphasising.
SM, the stuff above bolded, I absolutely did. The financial and scheduling I was on top of, right away.
Did it save my M? I don't know. I'm not with my W, but I'm not D. When I finally stopped talking with my W... ESPECIALLY when I stopped focusing on the OM(s)... she stopped focusing on D...
I then took this past year to make changes in myself, which I'm sure she's noticed... I've learned to be more strong in enforcing my boundaries...
And I figured out what I wanted for my future for me... and with my kids...
I don't know if my W is still "with" an OM... and at this point in time... I don't care... I've realized that I need to move on and I've become (more than) OK with that...
I am not in an open M, we are D in spirit, just not on paper...
But the only thing focusing on the OM is doing for you is keeping YOU stuck...
I wasn't referring to the idea that you were cheating. I was talking about the times when she blames you for how "unhappy" she is now. There comes a point where the WAS needs to stop using the LBS as a scapegoat and really start taking responsibility for their role in the breakdown of the M.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Big time vent-My W is now going on a road trip with a friend to the state where there OM lives. She has the audacity to ask me to switch days on watching our S so she can go. I am so d*m ready to call her on this. Should I be putting up with this sh*t or what because I swear I'm ready to just call her on the phone and say I'm done living in an open marriage?
Me:29 W:28 S:2 M: 5 years Bomb: 7-26-11 Separated: 8-20-11 EA w/ multiple OMs W filed 1/2012
Big time vent-My W is now going on a road trip with a friend to the state where there OM lives. She has the audacity to ask me to switch days on watching our S so she can go. I am so d*m ready to call her on this. Should I be putting up with this sh*t or what because I swear I'm ready to just call her on the phone and say I'm done living in an open marriage?
Big time vent-My W is now going on a road trip with a friend to the state where there OM lives. She has the audacity to ask me to switch days on watching our S so she can go. I am so d*m ready to call her on this. Should I be putting up with this sh*t or what because I swear I'm ready to just call her on the phone and say I'm done living in an open marriage?
Well I switch the day or two with my W so she can go because that means I get my S for a week straight over Easter which I'm excited about.
As for my W I plan on just letting her go to the other state and if she does I will let her know that I know about the other men and I'm not ok with living in an open marriage.
I know focusing on what other men there are is bad for me and I don't plan on doing that but I also will not just turn a blind eye either.
My changes I'm making are for me. I'm not doing it to manipulate my W or anything else. I know it takes time to see changes and trust them but I have been working on these changes for months since I worked with my IC when this all started. I know that is not a year but man how long do I have to go especially when the changes are for me not her.
One thing I do remember discussing with my IC about my control problem is that my W would always be yelling which would cause me to want to control things to minimize her anger and yelling at me or what ever problem she was dealing with.
Anyway sorry for the rambling but this what was on my mind.
Me:29 W:28 S:2 M: 5 years Bomb: 7-26-11 Separated: 8-20-11 EA w/ multiple OMs W filed 1/2012
Perfect.